Good morning SLAYER! We alone build the walls and fences shutting us off from the world around us, and we alone can take those down. Let go of the fear of letting the outside world in, be true to yourself, stand tall, and set yourself free.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
There was a time in my life when I was unraveling quietly.
On the outside, I was functioning. On the inside, I was doing everything I could to hide how lost I felt. During that season, a dear friend came to stay with me for a few days. We never talked about what I was going through. He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t call me out. He simply saw me.
Before he left, he handed me a movie and said he thought I should watch it.
The movie was Instinct. I had never seen it. I set it on my coffee table, where it sat for months — untouched. When I finally watched it, I remember thinking it was well done, thoughtfully acted… but I didn’t understand why he’d given it to me.
It wasn’t until years later, after I had begun my healing journey, that I understood exactly what he was trying to tell me.
In the film, a character struggling to find his place in the world writes a farewell letter that includes this line:
“Freedom is not just a dream. It’s there, on the other side of those fences we build all by ourselves.”
When that line finally landed, it hit me like a wave.
My friend wasn’t offering advice.
He was offering truth.
Every one of us builds fences.
We build them to protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection, and loss. We tell ourselves they’re necessary — that they keep us safe.
But often, those fences don’t just keep people out.
They keep us in.
The longer we stay behind them, the louder the negative chatter in our minds becomes. Fear grows comfortable. Doubt feels familiar. And the idea of stepping beyond what we know — even if what we know is painful — starts to feel terrifying.
What we call a “safety zone” slowly becomes a cage.
And from inside it, we watch others live. Love. Risk. Grow.
While we tell ourselves stories about why we can’t.
Here’s the hard truth:
You are not actually safe behind emotional fences.
You’re not safe from your own thoughts.
You’re not safe from resentment.
You’re not safe from the slow erosion of joy.
Survival may feel like safety — but it isn’t freedom.
When we hide, we don’t stop pain from existing. We just stop ourselves from experiencing the fullness of life that exists alongside it.
And eventually, hiding costs more than risking ever could.
The good news is this: you don’t have to demolish everything overnight.
If the idea of tearing down your fences sends anxiety through your body, start smaller. Tear a hole. Open a gate. Peek through the slats.
You don’t need a wrecking ball — you need willingness.
For me, though, I tore everything down at once.
It was terrifying.
I felt exposed. Raw. Vulnerable. Like I was standing naked in front of the world, waiting to be judged.
But something unexpected happened when the fences came down.
The world came in — because I invited it to.
And I learned something powerful: the world wasn’t nearly as dangerous as I believed. There were others like me. Others who were afraid. Others who were healing.
And when we stood together, we became stronger.
Braver.
More alive.
We often tell ourselves that walls keep us safe, but real safety comes from discernment.
From choosing the right people.
The right environments.
The right truths.
Freedom doesn’t mean recklessness. It means living authentically while making informed, conscious choices.
Yes, we’ve all been hurt before.
But that was the old us.
The SLAYER standing here today has learned.
Has grown.
Has wisdom.
We don’t move forward by closing our hearts — we move forward by opening them to what aligns with who we are now.
This is where boundaries come in.
Boundaries are not walls meant to isolate you.
They are guidelines that protect your freedom.
They communicate what is and isn’t acceptable access to you.
For me, boundaries often sound like:
Honesty is required
My time is respected
I’m spoken to with kindness
Distance is allowed when something isn’t healthy
Boundaries shift depending on the relationship and the season — and that’s okay. We are constantly evolving, and clarity requires checking in with ourselves often.
When something doesn’t feel right, that’s information.
Ask yourself:
What do I need right now to feel safe and free?
One of the most liberating things you can do is ask for what you want and need.
Not everyone will be able to give it to you — and that’s okay.
But as SLAYERS, we don’t hide our needs behind fences anymore. We speak them clearly. We honor ourselves openly.
And when we do that, walls become unnecessary.
Because freedom isn’t found in hiding.
It’s found in truth.
Freedom lives outside the structures we built from fear.
It lives in courage.
In connection.
In choosing alignment over avoidance.
You are not your past.
You are not the fear that once protected you.
You are not meant to stay confined.
You are meant to run free.
Let’s reflect, SLAYER:
S: Where in your life have you built fences instead of boundaries?
L: What fears are keeping you behind those walls?
A: What is one belief, habit, or relationship you could loosen your grip on to create more freedom?
Y: What would it look like to step outside the fence — even just a little?
I’d love to hear from you.
Where do you notice yourself hiding instead of living — and what would freedom look like for you right now?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s ready to step beyond their fences, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
Good morning SLAYER! We all make mistakes, and sometimes we hurt someone as a result of our actions, but it is how we take action after the fact that defines who we are. If and when it’s possible a simple ‘sorry’ isn’t always enough, it’s taking responsibility for the damage caused, and making amends to correct the behavior in the future or fixing the damage. We may think that we’ve done permanent damage, but miracles happen when we are open and honest about what we’ve done, the relationship may even strengthen where it had been weak.
New blog goes up Friday until then…SLAY on!
For you SLAYERS who weren’t able to join us for SLAY TALK LIVE tonight, here’s what you missed!
SLAY on!
OK, we’ve all said it when we didn’t really mean it, when it would make us look good, we wanted something, or just wanted someone to go away, but, sorry isn’t good enough, even if we do mean it, what we need to do is amend the behavior that caused the incident in the first place. All too often we throw out ‘I’m sorry” without giving it much thought, like putting a band-aid on something without treating the wound. What we really should be doing is striving to do better, and to amend what got us there in the first place.
This falls under a lot of the things I’ve already talked about, was it acceptance, did we not accept a person or situation, did we manipulate, lie, or steal, or is it our people picker, is our “people picker” still off and we chose to get involved with someone who is not honoring our authentic selves or the way we’re living our lives, did our expectations get us in trouble, did we have expectations around something or someone and felt let down, what were our intentions, were our intentions true, and did we get the facts to find out what the other person’s intentions where? All of these things, and more, can get us in sticky situations that may need to be corrected, but sorry isn’t enough.
Sorry to me is something you say when you bump into someone, or speak over them by mistake, not in situations that involve decisions we’ve made or situations we’ve chosen to participate in. If we’ve made a conscious decision to engage and we’ve messed up we need to make an amends, not just say sorry.
So, what is the difference? Making an amends to someone, or yourself, is making a commitment to do better in the future, to work on not getting yourself in that situation as you move forward, and to repair any damage you may have caused. Sounds heavy right? Well, here’s the deal, it may sound like heavy lifting but what it truly does is lighten the load. Making an amends to someone is really the gold medal of apologies because it not only says “I’m sorry” but it takes it one step further by saying, “and here’s what I plan to do about it.” An amend takes action! And, that’s what we’re all about SLAYERS, taking positive action in our lives. I have seen firsthand in my own life how, seemingly irreparable relationships, or situations become not only fixed, but stronger after an amends. It can be scary to stand in front of someone and say, “I messed up, I’m sorry my actions caused, x, y, or z, but, here’s what I’m going to do about it.” But, I’ve seen miracles happen. Now, in making this declaration at no point do we make excuses for our behavior, we, using the “just the facts Ma’am” approach, declare what our part was, and then what we feel we can do to make it better. We also don’t point fingers at anyone else, remember, we are in charge of our own lives, who we are, what we feel, and what we do, so it’s not anyone else’s fault but our own if we messed up, and we all mess up, it’s how we deal with it after that makes us SLAYERS, or slackers. It’s about keeping our side of the street clean. We’ve worked hard on our streets, we don’t want to run around throwing garbage all over it.
Now, there might be times that we cannot, or should not, make an amends, oh, now I got your attention now, those of you looking for a way out, but we should not make an amends if it will hurt or do damage to the other person or persons involved, there’s a special amends for those things, a living amends. In those cases you can make an amends to yourself and make the commitment to yourself to change that behavior, continue to do better while moving forward. We may also find ourselves where we are not able to make an amends to someone because they are unreachable or have passed on, again a living amends works in those circumstances too, and, what I’ve done in the past is written a letter to that person then burned it to let it go.
No one is perfect, but a SLAYER doesn’t back away when ownership of a mistake needs to be taken, we stand up, explain what was done, and we take responsibility to do it right the next time. SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Write down the names and situations where you think you owe an amends. Is there a person or institution you own an amends to? Are you hesitant to do it? Why? Next the names you’ve written down, what can you do, moving forward, to better the situation that has you owing an amends? Make a commitment to watch out for those as you move forward and instead of repeating it, do the next right thing.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Good morning SLAYER! Learning to celebrate our flaws, loving them, and turning them into strengths makes us flawsome! We have the power to do that. Loving ourselves and embracing our uniqueness gets us on the road to flawsomeness, as we continue to accept and love ourselves we work towards finding a place where we stop judging ourselves and start to shine, and that, is true perfection!
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
The picture accompanying this blog is from a time when I was definitely not flawsome, flawed yes, but not flawsome. I’ve had this picture since 2003 and, outside of the person who took it, I’ve ever only shown it one other person. This is a picture I would have never let anyone see before stepping onto this journey, and, in reality, it’s taken over 11 years of this journey for me to finally show it you today. This was not the picture of someone who had it all together, nor is it a picture of the person I had so painstakingly crafted for you all to see for most of my life. This is a person in pain, in fear, and slowly loosing her grip on all of the outside things she used to “keep it together,” I look at this person and recognize her, but I now feel compassion for her, knowing she’s still inside of me, but has learned to stand up and be proud of who she is, flaws and all, I appreciate all them because they have made me stronger, and they’ve made me flawsome!
What exactly is flawsome? Well, flawsome is learning and living to celebrate our flaws, to celebrate not being “perfect,” well there’s no such thing, so stop holding yourself up to unrealistic standards, so instead turn those things that we think make us flawed into strengths, to love ourselves, all of ourselves, for living authentically. We have the power to turn what we think are flaws into being flawsome! Now, this, not perfection, is actually something we can achieve and make happen. Are you game?
How do we do this? How do we achieve flawsomeness? Well, it’s about loving and knowing who we are. Who the heck are we? Loving ourselves unconditionally. Like I’ve said before, let your freak flag fly and be proud. It’s about forgiving yourself. Oh yeah, that again. How are you doing with that? It’s time to forgive yourself for all the things that you think make you unlovable, and well, flawed. Let that stuff go, it’s only holding you back from SLAYDOM, and for showing the world how truly flawsome you are. Look at yourself and your flaws with love, love everything about yourself, show yourself the love that you would want from others, the love starts with you, love all of you, and when we love ourselves it shows others how to love us, it shows them how we want to be loved. Stop living in the past and the future, live in the now! We can learn from the past to do things better in the future, but to sit in resentment from our past doesn’t serve us, it’s already happened and there isn’t anything we can do to change it, what can you do better next time, make a commitment to do that and move on! Focus on the positive, the things you know you are good at, celebrate those things, focus on the good and you will find more good. And, focus on the strengths and talents you know you already have, build on those, and share those with others. One of the fiercest qualities of being flawsome is sharing your flawsomeness with others, sharing the love you have for yourself and perhaps making it OK for someone to share their flawsomeness with you.
Listen, there’s nothing really flawsome about that gal in the picture above, except that she didn’t stay in that place, she, with every last bit of strength she had, got up and fought for herself and started a journey of healing and self love, unfortunately she put herself through hell for many years after this picture was taken, but she eventually got there, and now that gal up there, is this gal right here, writing these words, now that’s flawsome.
If you are feeling lost, beat down, empty, and hopeless, make today the first day of the rest of your life, you have the power to do that, the journey won’t be easy, but trust me, it’s worth every step, and, you have all of us SLAYERS by your side walking the same path.
Get out there today and be flawsome!
SLAY OF THE DAY: What makes you flawsome? Write it down. Smile SLAYER. Make a commitment today to not judge yourself, when something comes up that you feel is a flaw and needs to change, acknowledge it, smile. Write down the list of flaws that no longer serve you. How can you make those flaws flawsome? When those things come up, stop, and think before reacting, how can you make a better choice for yourself in that moment? Look at yourself with love each day. You are learning SLAYER, be kind to yourself on your way to SLAYDOM, and remember, you are flawsome!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Good Morning SLAYER! When our intentions are in the right place, and we know what other people’s intentions are, we are less likely to cause or run into problems because of miscommunication or lack thereof. Make sure you let your intentions be known and don’t be afraid to ask what someone else’s are. Everyone has their own reasons for getting involved and when you know the facts, you are safe.
New blog goes up Sunday…until then, SLAY on!
Oh yeah, there’s no hiding from this one. Intentions. Just as important as it is to know someone else’s intentions it is also important to know our own, and to own it! Before stepping foot on this journey my intentions were always self seeking, they were, looking back it was always all about me because I was the victim, I was the one wronged who was owed something from life, and even though I would twist my intentions in my mind and always have a favorable answer to make myself look better, the truth of the matter was, my intentions were always self motivated, whether to try to manipulate the outcome or to tear someone else down to make myself look and feel better. Yup. Pretty huh? But, that’s the honest truth. The good news is I’m not that person anymore, and neither or you. When we decided to walk on a path of self love and living as our authentic selves we left our old selves behind, and even though they may run up behind us sometimes wanting in on the action, and sometimes might even get in on the action, we now have the power to tell them to take off, we don’t need them anymore, and quite frankly, they’re dimming our light!
Intentions can be tricky, especially when the heart or ego get involved, we may tell ourselves we have the best of intentions but we have to look at the cold hard facts. I’ve mentioned before that feelings aren’t facts, feelings like to come in and muddy up our thinking, and they’re really convincing at times and talk a good game, but what we need to do is ask them to step aside, they’ll probably get their feelings hurt, they’re feelings, that’s what they do, but what we need to to do is look at the facts of the situation. Whenever we are in doubt, we need to ask ourselves, what are my intentions in wanting to do this, or for doing it? If they are self-seeking, manipulative, or damaging to us or anyone else, stop, do not proceed, step back and take a breath. You should not be doing what you are doing. If you are doing something only to get a response, stop. Do not proceed. Step back and take a breath. You should not be doing what you are doing. For example, if you are telling someone you love them just because you want or expect them to say it back, your intentions are off, you should only be telling someone you love them because, well you love them, and you want them to know it, regardless of how it’s received or if it’s returned or not. Those are the right intentions. On this path we should only be doing things we want to do, because we want to do them, OK, there are some things we don’t want to do, taxes being one of them, but that’s something we are required to do by law, so do that, but I’m talking about the choices we make every day to engage with other people, who we engage with, what we decide to get involved with, those acts, acts of “charity,” friendship, love, encouragement, etc, all of those things that can be disguised as good things, but can have ulterior motives. Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to do those things? Why do you want to get involved with that person or group? Why are you volunteering? If your intent is because you want to do it and not because of the result or how you could benefit, then you have the right intention. Anything else, abandon ship. Living as our authentic selves we want to keep “our side of the street clean,” to be honest and transparent with those people in our lives, it’s how we cultivate trust, and if we can trust ourselves with our intentions, we can start to trust others, and trust that we are also picking the right people and situations in our lives. A part of that, and the second part to intentions, is knowing, or asking what the other persons intentions are. I know, scary right? But, here’s what we’ve already talked about, when we know the facts, we are safe.
If we are clear on someone else’s intentions then we know why the other person is involved with us or the situation, and what they are willing to contribute, and if that isn’t in line with what our intentions are, then a conversation needs to happen, and perhaps, things shouldn’t move forward from there. I, myself, used to get into many awkward, or angry, situations because I would “assume” that everybody had the same intentions that I did, or knew mine, without ever asking or expressing them. As much as we are not mind readers, neither is anyone else. Speak your truth! You may not always hear what you want to hear, but at least you know the truth, then you can make the best decision for yourself. You are safe.
Intentions can be difficult, cunning at times, but if we are honest about why we’re doing something, and have the courage and self respect to ask others what their intentions are, we don’t run the risk of problems or disappointments down the road. We also don’t carry around guilt or are deceiving others about why we are really there. What are your intentions?
SLAY OF THE DAY: Before you agree to do something or take on a new project, do you ask yourself what your intentions are? Are they self-seeking or manipulative? Are you hoping to get something out of it? Are you afraid to ask others what their intentions are? Why? Do you do things to look good to others? Why do you do that? My challenge to you SLAYER, is to do something nice for someone today without them knowing about it, or telling anyone else what you’ve done, if they find out, or you tell it doesn’t count and you have to try again. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Good Morning SLAYER! Learning to take care of your own needs is the ultimate expression of self love, when you show yourself respect and honor yourself you are better able to share that love, honor, and respect with others, and it gives you a strong foundation to handle what life throws at you. Self love is like a spell of protection from the outside world, it cushions us from life and all it’s bumps and scrapes, it gives us strength, and it teaches us a gentleness, bringing us a new-found compassion for who we are and honoring were we’ve been.
New blog goes up Friday, until then….SLAY on.
