progress

Willing To Be Willing

When I stepped on this path there were a lot of changes I wanted to make, and, a lot of things I wished to be removed that I knew were standing in my way of becoming the person I wanted to be, but, some of those things, even though I knew they were standing in my way, I was still holding onto, stubbornly clinging to them for dear life. It seemed like a lot to shed everything at once, even though those things I was needing to let go of hadn’t worked for me, in fact, had brought me to my knees in pain, agony and desperation, some things were still difficult to part with at the beginning of my journey.

I started with the things I knew I could let go first, changes I knew I could take, there were obvious ones that had to go immediately if I was going to make any progress, it felt good to let those go, still a bit scary because they were what I knew, but they had brought me to a place that was even scarier, so those were easier to drop. In their place I had to replace new habits, new thinking and a new way of life that was going to get me on a better path, but there were still those habits or character traits I would cling onto like a lifeboat out in this new ocean of uncharted waters, things I knew I had to let go, or change, but had, I thought, served me well, up until that point. The truth was, I had to do a major overhaul, and pretty much scrap everything if I was to to get better, but some of those things were easier to scrap than others. When we experience trauma, we typically get into “survival mode” or a fight or flight mentality, and that becomes our new normal, we live in that place because no one has told us we can turn it off, we think we have to stay there to protect ourselves when in fact it starts to get in the way of us growing, learning, forging new relationships, or even nurturing the ones we have, it actually fences us off from the world around us and our world becomes very small. It takes time to tear down those walls and fences and start to come out from, what we think, is the safety of them, and sometimes that starts with just the being willing to be willing, we may not be ready to do it, but if we are willing to be willing to do it, that will get us moving in the right direction. Willingness was the key to my freedom, I’ve written about that before, willingness was like a flashlight in the darkness, if I followed it’s beam it was going to bring me into the light. And it did.

Sometimes we may feel we are ready to change, to do the work to get us from where we are to where you want to be, or know we can be, but there may be obstacles we put in our own way. We don’t have to clean house all in one day, but at least be willing to be willing to get rid of those obstacles when we feel we can, that already loosens them from around us so that one day we may become willing to let them go, or cut the chains that tie us to them. We do what we can each day, not judging ourselves or comparing ourselves to others, we may be on the same path as others, but we all walk at our own pace. Find it in your heart today for the willingness to be willing to let go what no longer serves you so that you can focus on becoming and being who you truly are and are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang onto things that you know get in your way of what you want and who you want to be? Why do you do this? Do you think it helps you to hang on? Do you realize it harms you? How does it harm you? What can you do to let go of something that is standing in your way of your own happiness? If it was removed from your path, what would it help you to do for yourself? Imagine it already has SLAYER, find some time to sit quietly and envision letting go of what stands in your way and you already being free of it, see how that will improve your life, feel it, and remember what that looks and feels like as you find the willingness to let go of what’s blocking you from being your best you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Even Though You Might Not See It, Things Are Changing

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who has been going through a difficult time as she recovers from a trauma. She felt discouraged at her progress, and didn’t feel like she was moving forward fast enough. She had been feeling disconnected from her friends and family and had been afraid to leave her house. I was grateful that we had made a plan to meet up and she was able to join in on a group discussion with friends.

I related a lot to how she is feeling. When I started my journey in recovery I started out feeling great, like a weight had been lifted off of me, just admitting I had a problem and making a commitment to seek treatment for that problem set me off on a high I hadn’t ever felt. I rode that high for a while until one day I fell flat. I was told it was common for this to happen, and then there it was, happening to me. I felt let down, scared and confused. I was working so hard to better myself and get well, so why did I feel this way?

For me, one reason why is that I had taken away all of the crutches I had used in the past to get through the day. I couldn’t rely on any of things that I had and felt like I was standing out, exposed and alone with an empty tool box, not sure how to navigate through these new waters, but I knew I had to hang in there and learn new ways, healthier ways, to deal with this new life, and my fears and insecurities. And as time went on I did learn new ways, and I started to fill up my tool box with better tools. I started to live this new way of life and feeling good about it, and then, that’s when the anger set in. At first it confused me. Why was I feeling angry when I was doing so many things that were good for me, and was making progress in leaving my old destructive habits behind? Well, the truth was, and it took me a while back then to realize it, is that now that I had taken all the distractions away I was now left with the actual problems, not just the ways I used to hide or cope with them, those issues were much bigger than what I thought the problem was. It was during this time I had to dig deep into what I had already learned and lean into the support around me, things had gotten really real.

I remember feeling like my friend yesterday, feeling like the pain was insurmountable, that it was never going to go away and that it was taking too long to work through. There were many days I felt defeated, or that there may be no hope, but I was encouraged to keep going, that the change was happening, I just wasn’t seeing it yet.

You can’t put at timeline on change. Especially when it comes to those deep rooted traumas we may have suffered. It will take the time it does to get through it, and, it may be a lifelong journey to walk through it with grace. For me, the toughest parts have past, but there are days when it flairs back up again and slaps me in the face. Old wounds are like onions, they have many layers, and I now know to expect that there will be times, and typically unexpected ones, where another layer will peel away to reveal another piece of the trauma that I will need to deal with. But having the ability to look back at where I started, much has changed, and most of that anger and resentment has been long gone because of the work I did early in my recovery. We tend to see the change in ourselves last, everyone else has a clearer sense of where we are because we are living it, and are hoping and expecting it to dissipate at a speed of our choosing, but it will when we are ready and when the work has been done.

As I said to my friend yesterday, find some comfortableness in your uncomfortablenss, an impossible sounding task I know, but when I was able to find some comfort in that place my journey to the other side it became easier, less tortured, it was still difficult, but I found some acceptance there until I was able to reach the other side.

When you’re doing the work to better yourself and to get well, there are changes every day, some may be smaller than others, but they’re there, and even if they’re all small, when they’re added up, they make some pretty big changes. Trust the path you are on, and keep moving forward, even if it’s only an inch at a time, one day you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you going through a difficult time? How so? What are you working on or through? What have you been doing to work through it? Looking back at where you started, what has changed? What would you like to see change? How can you go about achieving that change? If you don’t know, who can you go to to assist you in this change? You are capable of anything, as long as you continue to move forward, to work as hard as you can and as honestly as you can each day, knowing that the days will ebb and flow, some days will be easier than others, but if you keep going, and trusting you are where you are for a reason, you will find some peace on the other side. I speak from experience, and I am here in that place waiting for you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Respond; don’t react. Listen; don’t talk. Think; don’t assume.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Response

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you speak your truth with compassion, your words have more power.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Gently

Telling The Truth In A Way It Can Be Heard

I have never been accused of being subtle. My mind works at a fast pace and my mouth is just as fast, and at times, even faster, and can belt out quick comments or opinions as I move about my day. As I’ve walked along this path I have made a conscious effort to use a filter of compassion and understanding on my mouth, but sometimes the unfiltered truth comes out as I’m running out the door, or late because of someone else’s actions or out of my own frustration, and someone gets hurt. What I say typically is the truth, or the truth as I see it, but can probably be said in a softer and gentler way. It seems that the unfiltered truth often gets used on those I love the most, perhaps my immediate response to something I have already had a discussion about or think they should know. But what I should always know is that my words can hurt, and when I feel that rush of hitting my limit of the softer and gentler way, that’s likely when I should double-down on finding that filter instead of just letting the words fly out of my mouth.

Most people are open to hearing the truth, if it’s said in a way that they can receive it. People don’t hear us when we make them wrong. People don’t hear us when when we attack their weakness. People don’t hear us if we’re if we’re telling the truth by making ourselves sound better, or when we assume they don’t understand what we mean. They will typically always hear us when we speak from the heart. That in itself can be the challenge.

Patience is something I work on every day. I have gotten a lot better with it, but when my brain gets it’s gallop going and it’s heading toward the finish line, patience can fly right out the window, and anyone that slows me down or gets in my way sometimes gets trampled on. It’s in those times I need to speak the way I would want to be spoken to. Even if I may be in the right with the truth I am saying, I need to make sure I am carefully choosing my words and the delivery of how I’m saying it or I can be just as wrong. In fact, many times, the moment someone feels spoken down to, criticized or judged they will likely shut you out, and no amount of truth will be getting in once that happens.

We may be right, but it’s not just about being right, it’s about telling the truth in the right way, in a way that can be heard, and a way that you would want to hear it. It’s then, that a conversation can take place, and progress is able to happen in that area. Also, making sure that we’re not holding back our truth until we just can’t anymore and it just come blurting out. Saying it in the moment, or when it’s appropriate, and not just appropriate for us. When we hold back the truth that frustration, resentment or anger can grow and when it finally lands on our lips it can come across much harsher than it was every meant to be, so making sure we are speaking up when we should, so that fire doesn’t burn both of you later on. Work on speaking from your heart, and thinking of the other person as a part of yourself, from that place the truth is often a lot easier to digest. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to be quite direct when speaking our truth? Do you speak your truth in the moment or wait until you can’t hold it in anymore? What is the result of that? How can you improve or shorten the time it takes for you to express your truth? Are people generally open to hearing your truth? If yes, why do you think that is? If no, why do you think that is? What can you do to change your delivery so people may be more receptive to the truth? How do you like to hear the truth? Do you like to hear the truth? Take into consideration how you best receive the truth and work on sending out the truth that way, there may always be someone who isn’t receptive to hearing it, but when we are able to to say it in a way that they don’t feel attacked, they may be better able to recieve what you say.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

All The Bad Is Good

I was speaking other night at a facility that houses people who are working to get their lives back on track, or maybe on track for the first time, these were people who were at their bottom, and if they weren’t they should have been, but some of us have many bottoms before we begin our journey out, and then there are some who never make it out and continue to bottom out until they run out of chances. I spoke honestly to them, and I looked at each of their faces as I told them my journey, ending with telling them that all the bad that’s happened to them is really good. I meant that, the bad is good, if we use those experiences to teach us and motivate us to learn and make better choices from there. When I said that they looked skeptical at first, but I could see, as it began to settle in, that look on some of their faces that if they look at those times as good, they then got to take their power back to change, and grow, and, find some good.

When I started my own journey from the darkness, I couldn’t see how everything I had been through, everything that had gotten me to where I was, was anything good. I still was in victim mode, thinking that all of those things were done to me and that I had no control over them, but in reality I played a part in most of them, and the ones I didn’t play a part in, I was still responsible for how I reacted to them, but I couldn’t see that at the beginning. It was a hard pill swallow when I had to take responsibility for my part in all of those things, especially the things I instigated that harmed me more than anyone else, those things were the hardest to come to terms with. I also let people harm me, thinking that I deserved it, or to continue to tell the story I wanted to tell, which was that I was a piece of crap who didn’t deserve anything good. Once I was able to forgive myself for all of those things, I was able to see the good that could come out it.

In reality, I had a blueprint of what not to do, of what didn’t work, and when you think about that, that’s a pretty good blueprint to have, that is some useful information, because, when we’re searching for new ways to do things, for better ways, for ways that honor us, we can always look back at what not to do, and, maybe try doing the opposite of that as an alternative. See, no matter what we’ve done in the past, it’s all good, it’s good because we are making a commitment to not take part in those activities and actions anymore, and we now have a wealth of information of what not to do, and in turn, a way for us to keep ourselves in check, when we are in doubt, we can look back and make sure we haven’t fallen back into old habits, or, we can see the progress we’ve made.

When I looked out to the room, to those faces that night, to those people who were looking for some hope, I smiled and told them I was once just like them, that we are all the same, we may look different, we may come from different backgrounds, have held different jobs, but at the end of the day, we, those of us who have gotten ourselves to our own personal bottoms, who have felt lost and alone, we all have the power to change to our stories, we have the power to step into the light and be our best selves, we can turn the bad into the good, and how do I know, because I’ve done it, and so can you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Looking back, can you see how the things you used to label as bad can be looked at as good today? List 5 “bad” things that you can now see the good in. How, out of those things, can you take what happened, or your actions, and use them in a positive way today? How can you use that information to make better choices in the future? Good vs. bad is all a matter of perspective, we can extract some good out of almost any situation, and when we start looking for the good, and looking for the lessons, we start to change our outlook on our past and we see how it can be useful to our growth, it can also be empowering to look back and know, we’ve changed our patterns, we’ve broken the cycle, to become our best selves.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Don’t Have To Repeat The Past

Looking back before I stepped on to this path my life was a series of repetitious bad decisions. I kept doing the same things and expecting different results, the true definition of insanity. How were things going to change if I wasn’t? Well, they weren’t. I was proud of my stubbornness, and my ego was holding me back by telling me I knew better, it was all of you that were wrong. But in truth, I was stuck in a cycle that was never going to get me to where I wanted to go, I was so stuck I couldn’t even see where I could go, my blindfold of bad decisions kept me from seeing that I had other options, it was my choice to continue to make the same bad decisions over and over, even though I had the power to change that.

For me, it took things getting really bad before I was even open to the idea that it was possible for change. My best decisions brought me to a place where it literally was a matter of life and death that I make positive changes in my life, and, break the cycle. As we grow up we learn certain things, we pick up things we see, hear, and experience and start to build up who are we, what we stand for, and how we’re going to operate, and unless someone, or something, teaches us something different, we tend to stay stuck in those ways, sometimes for a lifetime. I was forced to find different ways to live, healthier, more positive ways, and even though it was tough to undo a lifetime of behaviors that no longer served me, in fact, probably never had, when I finally did, it was like that blindfold got lifted off my eyes and I saw a brand new world. Life is not something that happens to us, we have the choice in how we react to it, and how we choose to engage with it. We can hit the reset button at any time and choose not to repeat the past.

Let’s start here, make a list of the areas in your life that you are not happy with, not happy with any of it, write it all down in a column. Now, write next to each item how you can do things differently, even if it’s something you don’t want to do or it makes you squirm, just write it down. Now think about those things you’re not happy with, and visualize yourself taking the opposite action, visualize the result being different than it has been in the past. How does that make you feel when you think about it? How do you make that feeling a reality?

1) Take Action – it’s always about taking action. Make a conscious effort to make better choices for yourself and stick to it. Make yourself accountable for those actions. Call yourself out. When we are accountable and vocal about what we are working towards you are more likely to follow through.

2) Conquer Fear – let go of the fear of doing something different, or upsetting someone for not doing what’s expected. The only fear you should have is staying in the same place, staying stuck, but walking through fear to get to a better place is worth it, just do it and see what happens.

3) Know You Are Worth It – you are worth fighting for, your wants and needs are valid, so take the action you need to get it. Find your own self value and know that each step you take to make your life better is worth it, because you are. Believe you deserve the things you want.

4) Allow Yourself To Make Mistakes – we all make mistakes, especially when trying something new, so don’t quite or beat yourself when you make a mistake, or if it doesn’t go the way you had wanted it to. Keep going, keep moving forward. Learn from your mistakes, let them make you stronger, smarter, better, just keep going.

5) Recognize Your Victories – allow yourself to celebrate your wins. When we make changes for the better let yourself celebrate that, feel good about that, shine. We’re undoing years, or a lifetime, of old behavior, every victory, no matter how small, is a victory and a step in the right direction.

6) Write Down Your Progress – keep a journal so you can track your progress. Write down your wins and losses and the circumstances around them so you can see your own growth, or the areas where you keep stumbling, recognizing your patterns is going to give you the map that you need to navigate around them and to chart new courses of action.

7) Persistence – keep going, keep doing it, don’t celebrate so much that you fall back into old behaviors or think you can stand down and coast, it takes a lot of work to break a pattern, and a lot of repetitious behavior of doing the opposite of what you had been doing to make it stick, keep practising and keep moving forward. Be patient with yourself.

This is a lifetime practice of making changes for the good, as we grow and learn we will find new things to focus on, patterns to break, we start to fine-tune and hone our behaviors and lives so they work in conjunction with our hopes, dreams, and goals, not against them. I can assure you it is possible, I am proof, it just takes a desire to do so, and some work. Roll up your sleeves SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see negative or unhealthy patterns in our life? What course of action can you take to change them? Why haven’t you in the past? Are these patterns serving you? My guess is not if you are listing them as unhealthy or negative. How can you make the changes you need to make to break your patterns and live a healthier more positive life? Write them down. Start to make a conscious decision SLAYER to take action in these areas, to do the right thing for you, and to make the changes you need to start a new cycle, a cycle that allows you live a life you want, and one your are proud of. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you