OK

It’s OK To Say No

I’ve written before that is it’s OK to be sad, it’s OK to not be OK, it’s OK to ask for help, it’s OK to say you don’t know, but it’s also OK to say no.

Before stepping on this path I never wanted to say no, even if saying yes made me angry or uncomfortable, I wanted you to like me because then you wouldn’t ask so many questions, so I figured if I wouldn’t say no, I would stay in all of your good graces. Consequently I made a lot of plans I didn’t like, I agreed to help even when I didn’t have time, or really didn’t want to, but I never wanted to be seen as ‘the bad guy,’ because in my own mind, I was the worst of the worst of all bad guys, and agreeing and saying yes, I thought, hid that from all of you. I carried around a lot of resentment towards all those people that I was not saying no to, but the resentment I should have looked at was the one towards myself, the one that had me saying yes over and over to things I shouldn’t have.

I’m a firm believer that you should never say yes to something unless you want to. Sure, there are things you have to do, like taxes, but in life, unless you want to, and are not expecting anything in return, you should say no. Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do only breeds resentments. When we say yes to things we don’t want to we’re going against who we are and we’re not being our true selves. We may say yes to look good to others, to get something in return, or even to get the credit for our good deed, but none of these reasons are reasons to say yes. And, all of these reasons will produce a resentment if the desired result isn’t received.

So, make it easy on yourself. Say yes if you want to say yes, and say no if you want to say no. It’s OK to say no. Typically I like to give an explanation if I say no, my reasoning for it, because people aren’t usually used to saying no and no can be quite jarring to some people, especially to those people who you’ve constantly been saying yes to. Be true to who you are, and honest, and only say yes when you truly want to say yes, and, don’t be afraid to say no. This also goes back to my blog Are You A People Pleaser? People-pleasers do not follow their heart, or what they want to do, they do what everyone else wants them to do, or, what they think they do. We, as SLAYERS, follow our heart, we help out where and when we can, but not at our own detriment, we are open, honest, and we look for ways to be of service, because we want to, period. No other other reason, no other motive. And, if you don’t want to do it, or can’t, it is OK to say no.

What’s your motivation for saying yes? And, should a lot of those yes’s really be no’s?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble saying no? Why? What are you afraid of? Where you told that you shouldn’t or can’t say no? To whom? Is this someone from your childhood? How did it make you feel when you were told you couldn’t say no? How do you feel about it now? What if you did say no, what do you think will happen? What’s the worst that could happen? Is that possible result worse than you not being true to yourself? When was the last time you said no? How did it feel? When was the last time you said yes when you would have rather had said no? How did that feel? SLAYER the only person you need to be true to is you, when you take action and it is of pure intentions, then you will never be disappointed, because no matter what the result, you did what you wanted to without expecting anything in return. So, no matter what happens, your actions were true to who you are, and what you intended to do. Be true to yourself, always, SLAYER, do what you want to do, say yes to new things, but it’s also OK to say no, when it’s not right, or you feel that saying yes will compromise your true you. Be honest SLAYER, and never be afraid to speak your truth, even if it is a no. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! It’s healthy to admit you’re not OK. It’s brave. But don’t let it win. Be sad. Have your moment, your day or week. Then do something about it, do something for you, and find your happy again.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Broken

It’s OK Not To Be OK

I’ve talked about this in previous blogs, and on numerous occasions on SLAY TALK LIVE, but wanted to give this some attention of its own, for those of you out there struggling, hiding how you feel, putting on a smile when your heart is broken, pretending that everything is OK, here’s what I want to say, it’s OK not to be OK. I almost didn’t get the opportunity to learn this. I spent my whole life pretending everything was OK, and I got so good at it, at stuffing down my true feelings, that pretty much everyone bought it, and no one caught on to the collision course with death I was really on.

I thought, that if I pretended everything was OK all the time that no one would ask any questions, and you know what, for the most part I was right, but in many cases the people I was choosing to have in my life were emotionally unavailable so I knew they wouldn’t ask me any questions, and if they started to, I would phase them out. I thought, that if I told you something was wrong or that I had a problem you wouldn’t want to talk to me, that you had your own problems and didn’t want to hear about mine. I was wrong. But it took a long slide into the darkness to finally see how I wrong I was.

It wasn’t until I finally reached out for help, when I finally, in a place of desperation, said I wasn’t OK and I didn’t know what to do about it, that I realized, slowly I might add, that it was OK not to be OK. That if being not OK was my truth I needed to share it. I needed to talk about it. I needed to let people know. I had thought people would distance themselves from me when I finally pulled the curtain back to reveal the sad and damaged woman I truly was, the complete opposite of what I had been portraying for my entire life up until then. I thought people would retreat. But I knew my life depended on my honesty in that moment, I knew, regardless of the outcome, I had to speak my truth. What happened wasn’t a retreat, but the outpouring of a lot of support, a lot of love, and a lot of friendships that were strengthened because of my honesty, and, a lot of new friendships with others who were also struggling like I was, or, had been and were doing better. There was strength in saying I wasn’t OK, in declaring it, being honest about it, voicing it. The shame of it lost its power over me. It was out, and nothing bad happened, in fact, a lot of good happened. I started to get better. I started to have more self-confidence. More self-love. Self-respect. I started being honest, with myself, and those around me, and that felt good. It wasn’t fun holding everything in, not sharing, lying to people about how I was, it was a lot of work, exhausting, and deceitful. It was actually a relief to let it all out and not hide in the shadows anymore. Now as great as it felt, it was also scary at first, it wasn’t what I used to, and it wasn’t always as easy as it is now, but the more I did it, the more comfortable I got, and the more I realized that my truth was connecting me to others in my life, so even when I wasn’t OK, I had the love and support of other people to help me get to the other side.

No one is OK all the time. No one. So why do you expect yourself to be? We all have good days and bad days, or weeks, months, years even, but when you keep it all in, hiding the truth, those bad times get magnified, they grow, manifest worse, and even darker darkness. Speak your truth, share what is going on, and when you do, you will find a SLAYER army around you to support you as you walk through that time. We are all alike, we’ve all been there, and, will be again, so we understand, and we stand by you on those days when you are not OK. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you are not OK, do you share that with others? What is the result? If you don’t, why don’t you? What are you afraid of? Is this fear-based on facts, or an imagined outcome in your mind? Do you have people in your life who you trust? Who you admire? Who you can talk to? If not, why not? Write down an instance when you shared your truth with someone and something good came out of that. If you never have, I challenge you SLAYER to do it, to share your truth with someone you trust, or connect with. It’s OK to not be OK, and just saying we’re not, gets us on the road to recovery. Take that step SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you