Encourage

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Talk to yourself like you’re talking to someone you love.

SLAY on!
State Of Slay Reality

How You Talk To Yourself Matters

Would you allow anyone else to talk to you the way you talk to yourself? If the answer is no, your self-talk needs to change. The way we talk to ourselves directly affects every aspect of our lives. Our relationships, our success in business, our own personal development. As a reformed negative self-talker I can tell you, tearing yourself down, or apart, will only keep you down, or help you to slide further down into the darkness.

From as far back as I can remember I always talked down to myself. I always felt different, less than, awkward in social situations, I hated school and always felt uncomfortable, so when I didn’t reach my own expectations, which I often set at a level that was unattainable, I would tear myself apart for not being good enough. That behavior didn’t change as I got older, and the more time I put into speaking to myself in a negative way the more I believed it as truth. I also, sometimes unconsciously, would set myself up to fail to continue that narrative. I would viciously attack myself in away that no one else could, because, I wouldn’t let them. So, why did I allow myself?

It all goes back to self-love. Oh yeah SLAYERS, we’ve doubled-back to that again, that’s not going away, but, that really is the negative self-talk antidote. My negative self-talk nearly cost me my life, so it was imperative for me to learn how to talk to myself in a more loving way. They’ve done studies, with plants, where they’ve put a label that says love on one plant and hate on the other.  Loving words are said to the plant with the love label on it and say negative things to the other. They are watered just the same, but the plant with the hate label eventually dies while the love plant flourishes. It’s not any different with people. The more we tear ourselves down the more we die inside, and the more we speak to ourselves in a loving way, the more we flourish. No one is perfect, no one gets it right all the time, so why do you expect yourself to? We learn when we fail, we learn the most when we fail, that’s all part of the journey, so why not love yourself through that journey? If someone you cared about failed, would you berate them or cheer them on? You’d cheer them on, so why not do the same for yourself? In fact, we should cheer even louder when we fail, we should cheer that we tried, we should cheer that we keep trying, we should cheer because we should always cheer for ourselves. When I fail, or don’t meet an expectation I had, now, I counter that with saying something loving to myself, something I do like about myself, something I am grateful for. I practice some contrary action, which I’ve talked about before, so, even if some negative thoughts creep into my head, I change my thinking to something positive. It works. I also practice that when someone else upsets me, to move past it and not dwell in the act, I try to find something I like about that person and from that place, can usually find some compassion for them so I don’t sit in a resentment, something I can’t afford to do.

No one should be a bigger cheerleader for ourselves than ourselves. And we can be by practicing self-love. Life is hard enough without us being hard on ourselves, so give yourself a break and break out some encouragement and care when it comes to the words you choose to use on yourself. Next time you find yourself saying negative things, stop, and say something positive, something you would want someone to say to you, or, you would say to a someone you care about deeply, those are the words you should be saying and you can, it just takes the effort to stop the negative and turn it around into something positive. I know you can do it SLAYER, in fact, I’m positive you can.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you talk negatively to yourself? What do you say? Why do you say it? How do you think it helps you? How do you think it hurts you? Looking at your last answer, why do you make the choice to hurt yourself? Would you let anyone else speak to yourself this way? So why do you allow yourself? We believe what we say, so why not say positive things and lift yourself up rather than tear yourself down. Say those things to yourself that you would want to hear, and if you need a cheat sheet, write down 5 things you like about yourself on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in your wallet, and the next time you start to say negative things to yourself, take out that list, and read it out loud to yourself, until you start to believe them. It’s time to stop the negative self-talk and start some positive self-love. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Talk Live Video

Hello SLAYER! Weren’t able to join us tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE?

No problem, here’s what you missed!

SLAY on!

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be gentle with yourself, and others, a kind word or gesture can be difference between the bloom of a beautiful flower, or a wilted bud scorched by the sun.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Kindly

Outside Fixes For An Inside Job

Oh I tried a lot of things to make myself “feel better,” or worse, if I was in the mindset to torture myself, which would come around often, but I had always felt like there was something missing, a void, or black hole somewhere deep inside that made me different than everyone else, I always felt like something was missing. That, coupled with my need to control all things lead me down some dark roads. I just wanted to feel better, whole, perfect. I tried doing that with food, drink, sugar, shopping, moves to new cities, relationships, work, but nothing I did seemed to fill that hole, I was trying to solve an inside problem with outside things.

We all have our crutches, something we use to make ourselves feel better, or to forget, and sometimes it’s just nice to “get away” from the rumblings in our heads or that feeling of doom, but for me, as those rumblings got louder and the doom seemed overwhelming so did the crutches I was using to “get by,” I had stopped using them as a “crutch” and I was really using them as a way to live, and not actually fixing the problem.

The problem for me was not having an inner peace, not having self-love and acceptance, acceptance of myself and everything around me. It was hard for me to be quiet and just sit with my thoughts. In the past I had found that yoga had helped me and then I had stopped going for many years, never asking myself why. I would go to new studios, pick up the schedule, and never go to a class. It wasn’t until I made a conscious decision to work on myself that I realized why, I was afraid to sit quietly and listen to what my head was telling me. It was like all of my self-hatred, fears, and resentments had a microphone and a venue to scream at me. I had to learn, as I was healing, to sit in the uncomfortableness, to tell those thoughts and voices to shut up because they were lying to me, I had to replace them with positive affirmations, and at the very least, focus on my breath, I often would breath in and out saying to myself, “breath in the good shit, breath out the bad shit” and visual that, visually seeing white light coming in and the black coming out. It took time, and some days were better than others, and those voices can still pop up from time to time, usually if I am in H.A.L.T., Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, more on that later, but I know now to focus on the good and let the lies my head tells me pass, they always do.

For me, also, it was finding a way to ground myself spiritually, which is different for everyone. I found it’s a belief in something greater than myself looking out for me, I’ve had far too many examples in my life of something or someone stepping in when I could not or would not help myself, to not believe in something, even if it’s the universe around us, or a group of people in your life, you alone are not “God” or in control. When I was able to find something that worked for me, and connect with it, I was able to fill that void, and I no longer felt the need to try to fill it with the vices or crutches from my past because I was feeling fulfilled. I also found that giving back filled, and does fill, that void, which was my motivation for starting this blog, you have to give it back to keep it.

Today I make sure I do the things I need to do connect to my spirituality, whether sitting in silence, walking in nature, taking a yoga class, yes I’m back, or reading from books that help me to see things in the right perspective. It’s something that felt strange with at first, but the more I did it, the connected I felt, and do feel. Nothing we grab for on the outside will fix our inside, trust me, I tried. Today I want to be present and aware of my feelings, not hide from them, hiding from them nearly cost me my life, I won’t ever give them that much power over me again.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What does spirituality mean to you? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable? If so, why? If you could create someone or something that is looking over you, what attributes would they have? Why can’t you believe that is or what is looking over you today?

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Are Not Alone

There was a time in my life when I felt deeply alone. Not occasionally lonely. Not just on a quiet evening. I mean profoundly alone. I could be surrounded by people, even in a crowded room or a packed stadium, and still feel like I was standing on an island no one else could reach.

At the time, I did not realize I was playing a major role in creating that feeling. I had family who loved me, friends I enjoyed spending time with, and colleagues I looked forward to seeing. On paper, I was anything but alone. But emotionally, I had built walls so thick that connection could not get through.

And those walls were built from fear.

Fear that if people saw the whole me, the imperfect parts, the struggling parts, the uncertain parts, they might not like what they saw. Fear that if I admitted I was not always OK, people might judge me, reject me, or quietly drift away. So I kept smiling. I kept performing. I kept everything that mattered most locked inside.

From the outside, everything looked fine. From the inside, it felt like isolation.

The Illusion of Being Alone

Here is something I learned that changed everything. Feeling alone is not always about who is around you. Often, it is about how much of yourself you allow to be seen.

I could sit with friends, laugh, share stories, and still feel disconnected because I was protecting myself rather than connecting. I was editing my truth in real time. I was maintaining an image rather than building a relationship.

That kind of distance adds up. Over time, it starts to feel like an ocean between you and everyone else. You watch others seem connected and supported while you stand on your own emotional shoreline, wondering why you cannot feel the same.

For me, the turning point came when the effort of hiding became more exhausting than the fear of being seen.

The Moment Everything Shifted

I remember the first time I truly opened up. I was terrified. My hands were shaking. I had never shared what I considered the messy or imperfect parts of my life. I honestly did not know how it would land.

But I also knew something important. Continuing to carry everything alone was not sustainable. Emotionally, mentally, and physically, it was taking a toll.

So I reached out to someone I trusted. I spoke honestly. Not polished. Not perfect. Just real.

And what came back was not judgment. It was understanding. It was compassion. It was love.

That moment cracked something open inside me. It showed me that vulnerability does not push the right people away. It often pulls them closer.

Connection Requires Courage

When I started sharing more openly with others in my life, something remarkable happened. People showed up. They listened. They supported me. They shared their own stories. And suddenly I saw something clearly.

Everyone is carrying something.

Some people hide it better than others. Some people have not yet found safe spaces to share. But the idea that you are the only one struggling is almost always an illusion created by silence.

Connection happens when honesty enters the room.

That does not mean oversharing with everyone. It means choosing safe people and allowing yourself to be known by them.

And yes, sometimes people will step back. That happened to me too. A few relationships changed. But I learned an important lesson. The people who stay when you are real are the people meant to walk alongside you.

Building Your Circle

We are living in a time when connection can happen in more ways than ever before. Geography is less of a barrier. Shared interests bring people together. Communities form around healing, growth, creativity, spirituality, mental health, and personal development.

Your people might already be in your life. Or they might be waiting for you to find them.

The key is willingness.

Willingness to open up. Willingness to risk being seen. Willingness to believe you deserve connection and support.

And if you are part of this State Of Slay community, know this. We are building that circle together. A space where growth, honesty, and support are not just encouraged but celebrated.

There is real strength in community. Individually, we can accomplish incredible things. Together, we become resilient in ways we never imagined.

You Get To Choose Connection

Today, I do not feel alone the way I once did. Not because life is perfect. Not because challenges disappeared. But because I no longer isolate myself emotionally.

I choose connection.

I choose honesty.

I choose to let people in.

And when you do that, you realize something powerful. You were never truly alone. You were just carrying more by yourself than you needed to.

You do not have to do that anymore.

You are not alone.

SLAY Reflection

S — See the Truth
When do you feel most alone? Is it actually about who is around you or what you are holding back?

L — Let Yourself Be Seen
Is there someone safe you could open up to this week? What stops you?

A — Allow Support
How does it feel when someone truly listens to you? Can you let yourself receive that?

Y — Your Next Step
What is one small action you can take today to build connection instead of isolation?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I would love to hear from you.
When have you felt alone, and what helped you reconnect with others?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who might need this reminder, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Forgiveness: First Steps To Freedom

I know what you’re thinking, screw ’em, all those jerks who hurt me, burned me, betrayed me, I know, I have a long list as well, and we’ll get those people, but what I want to talk about today, and what is most important on your journey to SLAYDOM, is finding forgiveness in yourself. Yeah, you! When I finally had the courage to sit down and talk to someone about the circumstances that finally brought me to my knees, I was asked to write down a list of people who had harmed me, finally I thought, let me show you why I’m here, let me know show you all the horrible people and the horrible things that were done to me to get me to this place, and I feverishly wrote that list. What was asked of me when I was done was, did you write your own name on your list?

My own name?! What? Yes my own name, because I had harmed myself the most, and I believed I deserved it, that I didn’t deserve to have good things and good people in my life because I was a bad person, I was weird, I was different, awkward. I was told in order to heal I needed to first forgive myself. That was a blow. How the hell would I do that?

This was a place in my life, my journey, when I romanticized taking my own life, when my self worth was less than zero, and all of the lies and manipulations and shitty things I had done to move through life without you asking me too many questions or letting you get too close, had caught up to me. I thought I was lower than low, the scum of the earth. I physically could not look at myself in the mirror and say “I love you,” it’s not that I wouldn’t, I could not, trust me, I tried, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I brushed my teeth looking down into the sink. So, to now be asked to find it in myself to forgive myself, I thought it was impossible. Thankfully it was not.

No matter what we’ve done, or think we’ve done, it can be forgiven. What I learned is, I had to allow room for myself to be human, to be flawed, to learn, I couldn’t expect myself to know things I was never taught, and that I could now make a commitment to learn, to be the person I wanted to be, to hit the reset button and start again. But hitting reset didn’t mean forgetting the past, it meant taking full responsibility for it and learning to do it better. When I was able to look at myself from that perspective I was able to start forgiving myself. It goes back to those tools in our toolbox, if we don’t have the tools we need, we use the ones we have, so we can’t fault ourselves for not using tools that aren’t there. Our job now is to find and use those new tools so we can do it better, and that takes time, and patience, a blog for another day. But if we’re able to acknowledge the places where we’re lacking the tools to do it right, we can start forgiving ourselves for doing it wrong, and forgiveness is the first step to freedom. It may seem really scary, and it is, but that’s exactly where we want to be, because where it feels safe got us here, it’s time to do things differently.

We are always hardest on ourselves, but what if we stopped that, and started to love and nurture ourselves? Acknowledge our flaws and work to fix them, or find a better way, to maybe do the opposite of what our nature tells us to do because it’s what we’ve always done, or what those around us have done. Who do we want to be in the world, our communities, our families and relationships? We can be those people, we just have to work on it, and, start by forgiving ourselves for those things we think are unforgivable.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What’s stopping you for forgiving yourself? What do you think makes you unforgivable? What do you think you can do to start to forgive yourself so you can move forward from here? Building on the blog before, write a fresh gratitude list with five things you LOVE about yourself. Read it out loud before bed and in the morning when you get up. Don’t forget to smile SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Gratitude Is The Best Attitude

Hello SLAYERS, yeah, that’s who we are, we are warriors, we are fighters, we are SLAYERS. I didn’t always believe that, and you may not right now, but I believe you are, so for now, use that, take it and put it in your SLAYER chest until you can add some tools of your own. I believe in you, you are worth fighting for, and, you matter.

I never really heard anyone say that to me until I embarked on a journey to find self love, to find like-minded individuals who, like me, had also been broken, empty, and lost. Sometimes the only strength we have is the strength of others who believe we are worth fighting for, and if that is to you I say this, you are worth fighting for!

This is the beginning of a revolution, and it may just be your own, but I’m hoping we can all do this together, and bring along many more with us. There is strength in numbers, there is strength in sharing what we think makes us weak and there is strength in lending a hand to someone who needs it. Together we can do anything, but what my hope is for us, and all of the SLAYERS out there, is that we lift each other up, to reach our full potential and live each day as our authentic selves.

Authentic self, I went through most of my life not knowing who or what that was. I don’t think I wanted to know, because I thought that girl, that woman, wasn’t good enough. I didn’t think you’d like her. I thought she didn’t matter. I was wrong. If you are thinking those things, you are also wrong, you may just have to trust me on this for now, but you are.

Sometimes on your SLAYER path we’re going to be challenged or may be encouraged to do something you don’t want to do, that’s exactly the stuff you should do! If I hadn’t done a whole bunch of stuff that I didn’t want to do I wouldn’t be where I am today, and where I am is a place of self-love, of inner-peace (most days) and of gratitude. It is hard to sit down with ourselves and be honest about who we are or what we’ve done, but, here’s the good news, that’s who we were yesterday, not today. Today we are making a commitment to leave that person behind, to learn from the past, and to move forward shedding the things that no longer serve us, so, there is nothing to be ashamed about, to regret, or to hold us back, we didn’t know better, or maybe we did but we didn’t have the self-love and strength to take the right action, we will learn how, together.

I am really excited to share my journey with all of you in the hopes that it might help yours, and that you might share yours with us to help all of us, see how that works?

Every day we have the choice to make it a good day or bad day, to focus on the positive or the negative, to give back or to take, let’s walk in the light together, be grateful, and share all that is within us to those who are out there.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Write down five non-material things about yourself you are grateful for. Put that paper in your pocket, purse, wallet, when you are feeling anxious, down, or unsure, look at it, and smile.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

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