compliment

Bringing Love To Your Wounds

Often times we are the ones who hurt ourselves the most. And even in times when someone else may be hurting us, we allow them to do it, whether directly or indirectly, by engaging with that person or putting ourselves in the situation to begin with. But, most times we are the ones who do the most damage to ourselves, we suffer the most by our own hand. Sometimes we do it by not giving ourselves credit for something we’ve achieved, by punishing ourselves for doing something wrong or not knowing better, for missing an opportunity, missing a deadline, or not speaking up for ourselves. We continue to bully ourselves for these things and keep picking away at a wound that is already there. We get ourselves into a viscous cycle of self-attack, self-defense, self-imposed guilt, and self-imposed blame. But it’s important to seek out the right within the wrong, or even question whether the act was “wrong” in the first place and not merely just a chance to learn or do it better next time. This journey, this path, we are on is about learning and growing, if we all knew everything and did everything perfectly every time, none of us would know how great it feels to find success after a previous failure. It’s those “failures” that build our strength and show us who we are, if we’re able to use them as tools to build a better us.

Before setting out on a path of recovery, I only focused on what I thought was bad about myself, or inadequate. I had a constant loop in my head telling myself what and who I was not. When someone would compliment me I would quickly point out why I didn’t deserve the compliment and shoot it down. I would beat myself up for having a lack of clarity and or for indecisiveness, which many times came from fear of doing what I really wanted, that I labeled it as a sign of weakness. I could tell you all the things I was not, but I couldn’t tell you why, and the reason I couldn’t was because in reality it wasn’t true, it was a narrative I would tell myself to keep myself sick, to keep myself isolated from those around me and to prevent myself from achieving what I was too afraid to believe I deserved.

It wasn’t until I found the courage to see the right beneath the wrong that things started to change. I had to change my thinking and I had to learn to trust myself. That shift happened by learning to take a compliment, and if I truly didn’t believe I deserved it, to just say thank you, not talk back and try to take it away. I was taught that when I argued and said I didn’t deserve it, that I was actually telling that person they were wrong, or a liar, and that wasn’t something I wanted to do, so a simple thank you helped me through that to start. I learned to trust myself by doing trustworthy things, to be accountable for my actions and words, and be open to the belief that I deserved good things, so when they came my way I could humbly smile and say OK. All of these baby steps took time, along with others, that slowly helped me let go of my self-imprisonment and learn to let myself live, mistakes and all. I had to learn to bring love to my wounds, and it was that love that would eventually let them heal.

We often focus on all the things we think are wrong with us, what we lack, but what if, just for today, you offered yourself some love and acceptance so you can move beyond what you may not have been to what you can do. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you focus on what you think your shortcomings are? Is that all you see? Why? When was the last time you let yourself take credit for something? Do you take compliments from others easily? If not, why not? Do you give compliments to others? How does that make you feel? How do you feel if someone doesn’t accept your compliment? Do you see how when you don’t accept a compliment yourself that the other person may feel that same way? What if today you focused on all the things you are instead of what you’re not, and see how that focus may change your day, you never know SLAYER, you may just try it again the next day just to make sure you were right.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

I Am…

We believe what we tell ourselves, we believe ourselves more than we believe anyone else, so what we tell ourselves matters, it makes a difference, and it can be the difference of us succeeding or failing.

I used to have a yoga instructor who was a beautiful vocalist, and at the end of each class she would sing “I Am…” and then follow it with different things, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am courageous, an on she went until the end of class, it was beautiful, and it always brought a tear to my eye…well, usually both eyes, because for most of my life what came after “I Am” for me were always negative things, I am not good enough, I am a freak, I am a loser, I am weird, I am different, I am a failure, you get the point, it sure wasn’t anything inspiring, and when I started on this path my self-esteem was so low and I hated myself so much I physically couldn’t look myself in the eye and say anything positive.

What we say to ourselves we believe, and when we continue to say negative things we reaffirm to ourselves that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, that we don’t deserve the good, and not worthy of anything better. We say things to ourselves we would never let anyone else say to us. Why do we allow ourselves to do this?

There are many reasons why we say these negative things to ourselves, they could be things that were said to us as children, at home or at school, they could be the result of our own unrealistic expectations, or they could be a source of self-sabotage to keep us from moving forward or achieving the goals we want to achieve because deep down we don’t believe we deserve them. Figuring out why we say them is the key to turning that negative self-talk into positive. It takes work. All the most rewarding stuff does. But it’s always worth it. Asking yourself where the negative self-talk comes from is the beginning, working on what comes up from that, for me it took working with a counselor to make sense of it all and to start changing that negative self-talk into positive self-talk. It wasn’t easy at the beginning, it took a lot of contrary action, doing the opposite of what I had been doing, or wanted to do, to make better healthier choices for myself. It took me focusing on the things I was grateful for. Again, at the beginning, it wasn’t easy, some days the only thing I could think of was, it’s sunny outside, but, that was a start. It’s about changing your personal narrative, changing your story, you have the power to do that on any given day at any time. You can take steps to stop the negative chatter, or at least keep it to a whisper. I’ve been on this path for over 12 years and some days it still can get loud, so it’s not setting out with the expectation that it will go away completely, but about building up the tools in your toolbox for combating it, learning how to throw positive things at the negative chatter and turning your thinking around. I know that can be done because I’ve done it. Work to focus on the good each day, challenge yourself to compliment yourself on at least one thing when the negative comes up, and seek outside help if you feel you can use some extra guidance.

I no longer wake up with the negative thoughts racing through my head, today I work to come up with positive words to describe my “I Am.” I am strong, I am a warrior, I am a survivor, I am good, I am fallible, I am trustworthy, I am love, I am confident, I am happy, I am generous, I am…I am me, there is only one, and that is my superpower! And that is also yours.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you say negative things to yourself? Why do you think you do that? How does that hurt you? How does that help you? What do you think would happen if you started replacing the negative self-talk with positive self-talk? What can you do to start doing that each day? I challenge you, SLAYER, to write down 5 things you love about yourself, when you notice the negative self-talk pop up, look at that list, say it out loud, start making a habit of saying positive things to replace the negative, and know SLAYER that it is a process, if you slip back into the negative that is part of the journey, no one gets it right all the time, but you do get the chance to do it right right now. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Can’t Compare

Even though I am writing each day.  talking about loving your authentic self, owning who you are and celebrating that, and I do that, I found myself recently, while I was working out, admiring someone else’s figure and wondering why I don’t look like that. I stopped myself and had to give myself a pep talk. Why do we as human beings compare ourselves with those around us, or those we see in the media, or on social media? Each of us is unique, and in terms of our bodies, we are all built differently, our skeletal systems, muscle mass, metabolisms, it makes no sense to compare ourselves with anyone, we’re not all playing with the same equipment. After my little pep talk mid-workout I had to laugh at myself, thinking, you know better, but we all do it at some point, and the trick is to change our thinking and appreciate who are we, what we’ve been through, how hard we work, and for the many ways we are all blessed. So, how do we do that if we’re stuck in comparison mode? Here are a few ways to get you back on the road of self-appreciation and self-love.

1) Focus on your victories. As much as we live in a culture of always wanting more, and wanting it bigger and faster, we need to focus on our own successes, what we’ve accomplished and overcome to get to where we are today. When we focus on our own personal wins we don’t tend to compare ourselves to the other people around us, we may have people in our lives who inspire us, or push us to the next level of being our best selves, that’s healthy, but you can’t compare apples and oranges, none of us are exactly the same, so focus on you and what others are doing becomes less significant in our lives.

2) Focus on the bigger things in life. It can be easy to caught up in wanting material things, but those things don’t give back to us. When we focus on giving back, on love, on empathy towards others, on humility, and being part of a community we tend to compare ourselves less to those around us. Make sure your time is spent on things that matter most, not just things to puff up your ego or to collect as trophies.

3) Appreciate others instead of competing against them. We live in a competitive world, and a little healthy competition can be good, but not when it becomes the sole purpose for you doing anything, and winning becomes your most important goal. Learn to work with others, compliment them when they do well, and work together as a team, when we build relationships and a community around us we don’t find the need to compete for the spotlight and to always be the best.

4) No one is perfect. I’ve talked about this before. We’re all here to learn. We all make mistakes…that’s how we learn. If we’re not making mistakes we’re not learning, we’re not growing, we’re not pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone to move on to where we’re supposed to be, we’re staying stuck. Every triumph comes with obstacles, so no one is getting a free ride over you. When we look at others through this perspective it helps us find compassion for them, and us, and it helps us connect with them instead of looking at them like they’re our competition.

5) You’re only competing against yourself. Really, at the end of the day, you are your only competition. You are the only one if playing with the exact same circumstances, tools, and parameters as you. Only you can compete against you. Let that be your motivation, your guide, your push, to be a better you than you were yesterday.

When we focus on ourselves, what we can be doing to broaden our world, to challenge ourselves and to give back we lose the need to compare ourselves to others and to put ourselves down for not being something we can never be, someone else. Celebrate who you are and were you’ve come from, and, set some attainable goals to challenge yourself and be your best you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you constantly compare yourself to others? What about those people do you admire, or envy? Why do you think you can’t have a version of those things for yourself? We can never be someone else or have their exact life, and even if we could we’d probably find it wasn’t as rosy as we made it out to be in our minds, so of those things you admire, what can you do to find those or work on those in your life? How’s that self-love coming along SLAYER? Making progress? Or still struggling? Write down 5 things you admire about yourself, that you cannot buy. Write down 5 things you overcame last year that you are proud of. Now make a list of 5 things you would like to overcome this year. Get to work SLAYER, it’s all within your reach.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You A People-Pleaser?

I never would have said that I was a people-pleaser before stepping on this path, but looking back I was, not in every way, but I definitely identify with some of the behaviors. I think we all can be at times. We all want to be liked. We want to make people happy. We want to look like the good guy. The hero even. But when we use the act of making people happy as our own self-worth, that’s where people-pleasing becomes a problem. Yes, it’s nice to do things for other people, but not if we’re putting other people’s needs before our own, neglecting our own as a result, or we’re doing it in such a way that it becomes self-destructive. Many times people-pleasing comes from our own self-worth issues, I know it did for me, I didn’t think I had any worth, so I equated my worth to the acts I did for other people, and if those people didn’t appreciate those acts as much as I thought they should, I would get angry. Wrong intentions, wrong reaction. We should only do something for someone else if we genuinely want to do it and expect nothing in return from that person other than knowing your act may have made their day better, otherwise you run the danger of people-pleasing with selfish motives. So, how do we know if we’re people-pleasing? Here are some signs.

Pretending You’re Always In Agreement. You pretend you always agree with everyone’s opinions or values just be liked, or to be seen as being on the same page, going against your true beliefs and what you stand for. I am a firm believer in always listening to someone’s opinion, even if it differs from your own, but never fake who you are to make friends, as sooner or later the truth will come out and you will be labeled as just that, a fake.

You Fell Responsible For Other People’s Feelings. Each of us in charge of our own feelings and emotions, you as an individual cannot make someone feel something they do not. Again, it’s nice to do something for someone if you know it will help them or they’ll appreciate the gesture, but it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings, and you can’t, your job is to manage your own.

You’re Always Apologizing. Never be sorry for being you. People-pleasers typically over apologize always fearing that people are blaming them, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. When you’re secure in who you are and know your true intentions, there is no need to apologize for things unnecessarily, there should be no fear that you’re always in the wrong, or it’s your fault for something you didn’t do.

You Feel Obligated. You over-schedule your life with things and activities you’re not really interested in doing but feel you should to keep someone else happy. You are in charge of your life and your time, you don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to, or you feel burdened by. Again, the only reason to do something is because you want to, not to look good to someone else or because you feel you can’t say no, you can. Better to be honest about how you feel than do something and then feel resentful when you’re there.

You Fear Anger. You make decisions based on whether someone might get mad at you and fear their displeasure. We can’t control whether someone gets upset with us, we also are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. Living in fear of upsetting someone is a true sign of a people-pleaser and a sign of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

You Mimic Those Around You. You’re a chameleon and act like the people you are around never showing those you’re with your true self for fear of not being accepted for who you are, or upsetting someone. Different people tend to bring out different sides of us, we do tend to have different facets of our personality, but to pretend to be what you’re not can be self-destructive and can often sabotage your goals if you’re not truly expressing who you are and sharing that with those around you. Be confident in your true you and don’t be afraid to share that with others, people want to meet the real you, not the you you think they want to meet.

You Need To Be Complimented To Feel Good. Everyone likes to hear when they’re going well, but people-pleasers depend on it. They’re constantly seeking validation for what they’re doing, or sacrificing, and when they don’t get it feel a sense of betrayal, but the only person you’re betraying is you, for not being yourself in the first place. The only person you should be making sure is happy is you, that happiness should not come at a cost to make someone else happy.

You’ll Do Anything To Avoid Conflict. No one likes conflict, well, no one who loves themselves and those around them, but to go to great lengths to avoid it is a sign of a people-pleaser. At some point we all find ourselves in conflict, there’s no way to avoid it, and doing everything in your power to try to avoid it might just cause more conflict because you aren’t being true to who you are, eventually someone will see that. Walk in to everything situation with the best of intentions, and know why you’re there, that’s the best any of us can do, conflict will happen regardless at times, but if you’re being honest you have nothing to worry about.

You Won’t Admit Being Hurt. Not wanting to disappoint anyone or hurt them, you keep your feelings inside, not admitting when you’ve been hurt. You deny anything is wrong, which only makes you feel worse, and keeps those relationships superficial and weak, as sooner or later your pain will cause you to disengage with that person, or they’ll sense you’re not being honest about who you are. If you’ve gotten hurt talk to the other person, we unintentionally hurt others at times, and some times it’s done by us. A conversation can clear the air and make a relationship clearer and stronger.

Recognize yourself in any of these behaviors? I think we all can to a degree, whether in our current life or in the past. People-pleasing really has the opposite result, because as we focus on pleasing others we are not pleasing the one true person who matters, us, and while we’re running around doing things for everyone else, there’s a part of us that is dying as we stuff down our goals, desires, and interests to keep up a facade we think we should present to the world. Be you. That’s all you need to be. That’s enough. Stand tall in who you are and what you believe in and share that with those around you, if that’s not appreciated in your current social circle, then perhaps it’s time to find a new circle of people just like yourself, or, a circle who wants you to be nothing more than who you are. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you identify yourself as people-pleaser? If yes why? If not why? Did you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios in the blog? Which ones? How has acting out this way harmed you? How can you change this behavior? What do you think will change when you do? How is your journey of self-love coming along? Where do you think you can improve? Where have you improved? SLAYER, write down 5 things, you cannot buy, that you are proud of. Keep that list with you and when you feel the urge to people-please, look at it, and know you are the person you need to please because you are an incredible person all on your own and your needs also deserve to be met. Go after what you want, and know, you are enough!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you