Good morning SLAYER! Give yourself permission to say no without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Self Help
It’s OK To Say No
I’ve written before that is it’s OK to be sad, it’s OK to not be OK, it’s OK to ask for help, it’s OK to say you don’t know, but it’s also OK to say no.
Before stepping on this path I never wanted to say no, even if saying yes made me angry or uncomfortable, I wanted you to like me because then you wouldn’t ask so many questions, so I figured if I wouldn’t say no, I would stay in all of your good graces. Consequently I made a lot of plans I didn’t like, I agreed to help even when I didn’t have time, or really didn’t want to, but I never wanted to be seen as ‘the bad guy,’ because in my own mind, I was the worst of the worst of all bad guys, and agreeing and saying yes, I thought, hid that from all of you. I carried around a lot of resentment towards all those people that I was not saying no to, but the resentment I should have looked at was the one towards myself, the one that had me saying yes over and over to things I shouldn’t have.
I’m a firm believer that you should never say yes to something unless you want to. Sure, there are things you have to do, like taxes, but in life, unless you want to, and are not expecting anything in return, you should say no. Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do only breeds resentments. When we say yes to things we don’t want to we’re going against who we are and we’re not being our true selves. We may say yes to look good to others, to get something in return, or even to get the credit for our good deed, but none of these reasons are reasons to say yes. And, all of these reasons will produce a resentment if the desired result isn’t received.
So, make it easy on yourself. Say yes if you want to say yes, and say no if you want to say no. It’s OK to say no. Typically I like to give an explanation if I say no, my reasoning for it, because people aren’t usually used to saying no and no can be quite jarring to some people, especially to those people who you’ve constantly been saying yes to. Be true to who you are, and honest, and only say yes when you truly want to say yes, and, don’t be afraid to say no. This also goes back to my blog Are You A People Pleaser? People-pleasers do not follow their heart, or what they want to do, they do what everyone else wants them to do, or, what they think they do. We, as SLAYERS, follow our heart, we help out where and when we can, but not at our own detriment, we are open, honest, and we look for ways to be of service, because we want to, period. No other other reason, no other motive. And, if you don’t want to do it, or can’t, it is OK to say no.
What’s your motivation for saying yes? And, should a lot of those yes’s really be no’s?
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble saying no? Why? What are you afraid of? Where you told that you shouldn’t or can’t say no? To whom? Is this someone from your childhood? How did it make you feel when you were told you couldn’t say no? How do you feel about it now? What if you did say no, what do you think will happen? What’s the worst that could happen? Is that possible result worse than you not being true to yourself? When was the last time you said no? How did it feel? When was the last time you said yes when you would have rather had said no? How did that feel? SLAYER the only person you need to be true to is you, when you take action and it is of pure intentions, then you will never be disappointed, because no matter what the result, you did what you wanted to without expecting anything in return. So, no matter what happens, your actions were true to who you are, and what you intended to do. Be true to yourself, always, SLAYER, do what you want to do, say yes to new things, but it’s also OK to say no, when it’s not right, or you feel that saying yes will compromise your true you. Be honest SLAYER, and never be afraid to speak your truth, even if it is a no. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Every life has purpose, and every story may help someone change theirs.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes the only way to protect your heart is to share it with others.
SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Use your strength of good.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
If You’re Strong Enough To Destroy Something, You’re Strong Enough To Repair It
There was a time when I believed strength meant walking away.
Ending things.
Burning it all down before anyone could get too close.
And I had a lot of strength.
But I didn’t always use it for good.
Especially toward the end of certain chapters in my life, I used my strength to destroy:
Relationships. Opportunities. Myself.
Sometimes intentionally.
Other times, impulsively.
But almost always out of fear.
Fear of being exposed.
Fear of being seen as damaged.
Fear of being me.
So I built walls. I pushed people out. I burned bridges and convinced myself I didn’t have the strength to fix any of it.
But that wasn’t true.
What I didn’t have was the humility to try.
I had the strength all along. I just didn’t yet understand what real strength looked like.
Because real strength doesn’t lie in the destruction.
It lives in the repair.
It’s easy to tear something down.
It’s much harder to own your part and build something better in its place.
But that’s where we grow.
That’s where healing happens.
When I began to get better, I slowly learned how to channel that strength in a new direction.
One that looked more like forgiveness.
Like compassion.
Like showing up for myself and the people I loved.
I stopped using my strength to protect the wound and started using it to heal.
Here’s what else I learned:
That voice in your head—the one that says you’re “stronger alone” or that you’re “cutting off what doesn’t serve you”—sometimes it’s not wisdom.
Sometimes it’s fear talking.
Sometimes it’s pain pretending to be power.
There’s a difference between walking away to honor yourself and walking away to avoid yourself.
I’ve done both.
I’ve ended relationships and convinced myself I was doing the strong thing… when really, I was just afraid to look at the part I played in their breakdown.
It’s easier to point the finger.
It’s harder to say, “I chose this dynamic.”
“I allowed this behavior.”
“I contributed to the pain.”
But that’s the work.
That’s the kind of strength that transforms everything.
And here’s the beautiful part:
The more we practice using our strength to build, the more of it we gain.
Just like self-esteem comes from estimable acts, our inner strength multiplies when we use it for repair, growth, and truth.
We become stronger when we’re brave enough to face ourselves.
To say the hard thing.
To make the amends.
To walk toward the mess instead of away from it.
Because if you’re strong enough to destroy something…
You’re strong enough to repair it.
SLAY Reflection
S – SHOW UP: Are you using your strength to avoid, escape, or destroy? Or to face, heal, and rebuild?
L – LEARN: What’s one moment where your strength showed up in a way that surprised you?
A – ACCEPT: Can you accept that real strength might look like softness, honesty, or vulnerability?
Y – YOU MATTER: What’s something broken that you still have the power to repair?
BONUS: What could change if you used your strength for good—starting today?
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever used your strength to heal something you once damaged?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s struggling with what it means to be strong, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Not every battle can be won. Not every battle is your battle to fight. The only battle that is worth fighting is the battle in your mind that tells you it’s your right to be right, even when the battle has nothing to do with you.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Talk Live Video
Hey SLAYER! We had an amazing SLAY TALK LIVE today, if you missed us, here’s all the SLAYtastic action.
SLAY on!
Just Part Of The Passing Parade
I used to engage with everything that I came my way. I would get into pointless arguments, make sure my opinion was known, explain to someone the ‘right’ way to do something, basically insert myself into each situation that crossed my path. I felt I had to. It was what was right. What I didn’t realize until I got healthier was that the reasons I was doing it was to feed my sickness, whether to make myself superior, to feel anger, to prove that all people were ‘idiots’ so I didn’t feel so bad when I lied to them, manipulated them, or even stole from them. I was never engaging with anyone to be helpful, or to be of service, well, if I was it was to get something in return. But most of the time it was to feed my ego because I felt less-than. Those little altercations where like a hit of a drug, for a moment, right after, I would get a high…and then it would wear off and I’d go looking for the next hit. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to let go of those old behaviors that I realized what those behaviors where doing to me.
Everyday we cross paths with a lot of people. And we cross paths with them for many different reasons. Nothing happens by chance. And there are those out there that seek out trouble, they were like me, and they’re looking for a fight, or a moment to feel better than whomever they encounter. I know now that they are just part of the passing parade. I don’t have to engage with each float, clown, and marching band that comes my way. I can stay on the sidewalk and just watch them go by. Because today I have nothing to prove. Today my mental health is what is my priority, and engaging with the passing parade is not good for my mind. Sure, if someone needs help I will jump in to be of service, and I will initiate a conversation with someone to hopefully brighten their day, but the rest of those hooligans, they can keep marching on by. Don’t get my wrong, sometimes it is tempting, they always make it look so enticing, and, on a bad day, I may even start to dip my toe in those murky waters, but it never feels good, I don’t get that hit or high anymore like I did, if I do, it’s very fast, and the awful feelings are quick to rush in and wash that high away. And, I’m glad they do, I’ve worked very hard to find my serenity, or peace of mind, because where I came from was so far off from that place, so far, I didn’t even know it was possible to find it. But trust me, it is. Just stay off that parade route.
I also use the parade analogy for the thoughts in my head. That negative self-talk, or bullshit committee as I like to call them, love to chime in, especially when I’m in H.A.L.T., hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, boy their voices get loud, but instead of engaging with them, I let them pass, sometimes I’ll even catch myself saying, “thank you for sharing, but you can take that someplace else.” Because the truth is, they are like a passing parade, they will just pass by if you let them, they might try to come back, but as long as you don’t acknowledge them, they keep walking.
As we navigate through each day, we have a choice, we can do what’s best for our own peace of mind, or we can try to win every battle that comes our way that we actually can’t win. Because we lose each time we engage in something we are not meant to be engaging with. Each of those battles chips away at our self-love, and it keeps us in a cycle of being sick. When we are well, loving and honoring ourselves, we don’t feel the need to engage with the passing parade, we notice it, and then let it pass on by, so if that parade passing in front of you is too hard to let go, that’s a sign of some work to be done SLAYER, and time to put on that investigative hat and find out why you feel so compelled to fight a battle you cannot win, a battle that is really with yourself, and not the people in that parade, because the only battle you can win, is the battle that goes on within yourself, and once you know the facts of why you feel you need to go to battle, you’ve found your armor, and that armor will protect you from anything that crosses your path. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel compelled to interact with anyone and everyone that crosses your path? Why? What if you didn’t? What do you think will happen? Do you get caught up in other people’s drama, and fights, at the detriment of your own mental health? Why do you think you do this? When you feel compelled to do this, are these times when you may be in H.A.L.T.? Are you looking to make yourself feel better? Are you looking to make yourself feel bad? What are you looking for? Why do you think you’re looking for it? What if you stopped? What if you didn’t engage with these people? What if you took a deep breath and walked away. Took your power back and did what was right for you. Noticed when these fights were fights that cannot be won, or, the expense was too great to your own person. What if you chose to not get involved unless it directly affected you? What if you chose to look for ways to give back and be of service instead of engaging with those who only want to inflict pain, or put you down? Why don’t you do that SLAYER. Let the passing parade go by and focus on those people who may need your help, need a hand, or just might need a smile. You’ll see how that affects those distractions that pass you by, they become much less distracting, and much more of just some noise in the distance.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! You become what you hide.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
