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You Can Forgive Someone Without Giving Them Access to You

Forgiveness is freedom, not a front-row pass

There’s a moment in healing that feels like a crossroads.
You’ve done the work.
You’ve cried the tears.
You’ve processed the pain.
And you finally arrive at forgiveness — not to excuse what was done, but to release what it did to you.

But then comes the question that catches so many of us off guard:

Does forgiving someone mean they get to come back?

For years, I thought the answer was yes.

I believed forgiveness meant reconciliation.
I believed healing meant returning to the way things were.
I believed I had to reopen the door simply because I had released the hurt.

But with time, experience, heartbreak, boundary-setting, and a few painfully earned lessons, I learned the truth:

You can forgive someone and still deny them access to you.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Access is a privilege they have to earn.

Those two things are not the same.

Forgiveness Isn’t a Free Pass

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Many people think it means:

“We’re good now.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Let’s forget it happened.”
“The relationship should go back to normal.”

But forgiveness does not rewrite history. It does not minimize harm. It does not pretend you weren’t hurt.

Forgiveness simply means:
“I’m releasing the emotional hold this has on me.”

It’s internal.
It’s personal.
It’s sacred.

Forgiveness is about you finding peace — not about making someone else comfortable.

You can forgive someone and still say:

“I no longer trust you.”
“Your behavior hasn’t changed.”
“My boundaries matter.”
“This relationship is not safe for me.”
“I choose to love myself enough to step away.”

And every one of those statements can exist perfectly alongside forgiveness.

Access Requires Accountability

Here’s the part most people don’t understand:

Forgiveness is unconditional.
Access is not.

Access requires:

Changed behavior
Accountability
Consistency
Respect
Emotional safety
Mutual effort

If someone wants a place in your life, their actions should reflect it.
Their words should align with their behavior.
Their presence should feel safe, not draining.
Their energy should add, not take.

You don’t deny access out of spite.
You deny access because your peace is non-negotiable.

It is not punishment.
It is protection.

People who truly care about you will understand that.
People who don’t will call it “overreacting” or “holding a grudge,” simply because they no longer benefit from your openness.

Forgiveness Without Reconciliation Is Still Forgiveness

A lot of people grew up being taught that forgiveness meant you had to:

rebuild relationships
pretend nothing happened
stay connected
be endlessly available

But that version of forgiveness keeps you trapped.
It keeps you small.
It keeps you in cycles of harm.

Forgiveness without reconciliation is still forgiveness.
You can release resentment without reopening the door.
You can wish someone well from a distance.
You can send them love and keep them out of your life.

There is power in that duality:

“I forgive you.
And you still don’t get access to me.”

Both can be true.
Both can be healthy.
Both can be healing.

Protecting Your Peace Is an Act of Self-Respect

There comes a point where you stop asking:

“Do they deserve another chance?”

And start asking:

“Does this support my peace, my growth, and my well-being?”

Sometimes the answer is yes.
Sometimes it’s no.
Sometimes it’s “not right now.”

And sometimes it’s “never again.”

Choosing distance is not bitterness.
It’s clarity.
It’s self-respect.
It’s honoring the version of you who finally learned what they deserve.

There is nothing unkind about protecting your emotional, mental, or physical safety.
There is nothing cruel about refusing to reenter the same cycle.
There is nothing wrong with outgrowing people who continue to harm you — even if you love them.

Protecting your peace is not a betrayal of love —
it’s a commitment to yourself.

Rebuilding Is a Choice, Not an Obligation

Some people will change.
Some people will grow.
Some people will show up differently.

And if that happens — and if you want to rebuild — that choice is yours.

But rebuilding should never come from guilt.
Or pressure.
Or obligation.
Or fear of what other people will think.

A relationship can only be rebuilt on:

truth
accountability
honesty
change
mutual respect
time
consistency

Not empty promises or short-term effort.

You decide what access looks like.
You decide what level of connection you’re open to.
You decide whether the door is closed, cracked, or locked.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Your healing is not a group decision.

Forgiveness Sets You Free — Not Them

One of the most liberating things you’ll ever learn is this:

Forgiveness is not for them.
It’s for you.

It frees your mind.
It clears your heart.
It releases the emotional weight tethering you to the past.

But it does not require:

returning
reconciling
reconnecting
reopening
reengaging

Your healing does not depend on the relationship surviving.
Some chapters end so you can reclaim your peace.
Some endings are the closure you’ve been searching for.
Some boundaries are the doorway to your freedom.

Allowing someone access again is an entirely separate choice — one they must earn, not one automatically granted because you chose your own healing.

SLAY Reflection

S — Sit With Your Truth

What relationship in your life have you maintained out of obligation rather than genuine safety or connection?

L — Look at the Pattern

Have you confused forgiveness with permission in the past? What did that lead to?

A — Align With Your Values

What boundaries need to be honored for you to feel emotionally safe again?

Y — Yield to Growth

How can you release the hurt while still protecting your peace moving forward?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
When have you forgiven someone but still chosen distance — and how did that decision support your healing?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s working on releasing hurt without reopening old wounds, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Just Because Someone Gave Up on You, Don’t Give Up on Yourself

There’s a particular kind of pain that comes when someone you believed in—someone you trusted—decides you’re no longer worth the effort. It might be a partner, a friend, a family member, or even an employer.

Sometimes they drift away quietly. Sometimes they slam the door. And sometimes, they make sure you hear exactly why you didn’t make the cut.

It’s human to internalize those moments. To question what’s wrong with you. To wonder if they saw something you didn’t. But here’s the truth—their decision to give up on you is about them, not you.

Their Choice Is Not Your Worth

When someone gives up on you, it’s easy to translate that into, “I’m not enough.” But what they’re really saying is, “I’m not willing, able, or ready to invest in this anymore.”

That’s not the same thing as saying you have no value.

We often assume that other people’s actions are direct reflections of who we are. But in reality, they’re reflections of their capacity, their priorities, their fears, and their choices. Someone’s inability or unwillingness to see your worth does not erase your worth.

When we take someone else’s abandonment as proof that we should abandon ourselves, we hand over our power. And once that happens, their absence gets to dictate the rest of our story.

You don’t owe them that power.

Self-Trust Is Your Lifeline

When the dust settles, what you’re left with is you. And that’s where the real work begins.

Self-trust isn’t built in grand declarations—it’s built in small, consistent acts of showing up for yourself. It’s saying, “I still choose me, even when they didn’t.”

Here’s the thing: if you keep believing in yourself, you always have another chapter to write.

Yes, it hurts when someone walks away. But you’re still standing. You still have dreams, talents, and the ability to create a life you love. You still have the capacity to love yourself fiercely, even if others failed to.

The most powerful way to respond when someone gives up on you is to prove—to yourself—that you never will.

Let Their Exit Teach You, Not Break You

People leaving can be clarifying. Painful? Absolutely. But clarifying.

When someone exits your life, you get the chance to ask:

Was I shrinking myself to keep them close?
Did I rely on their validation more than my own?
Was I ignoring red flags because I didn’t want to lose them?

The end of a relationship, friendship, or opportunity can feel like a collapse—but it can also be a clearing. A chance to rebuild in a way that’s more aligned with who you are now.

Sometimes someone’s departure forces you to look at your own patterns, boundaries, and needs in a way you never would have otherwise.

If you use the pain as data, it can actually serve you.

Your Story Isn’t Over Because They Left

It’s tempting to see someone’s departure as the end of something essential—as if the part of you that existed with them can’t survive without them. But your life is bigger than their role in it.

Think of the people you haven’t even met yet. The experiences you haven’t had. The opportunities that wouldn’t have been possible if you stayed where you were.

The world is full of people who will believe in you. People who will stand beside you, support you, and challenge you to grow—not shrink.

But the most important believer you’ll ever have is the one staring back at you in the mirror.

Refuse to Abandon Yourself

Here’s the bottom line:

Someone else’s choice to walk away does not define you.
You are allowed to grieve, but you are not required to quit on yourself.
You can acknowledge the hurt without adopting it as your identity.

The real loss would be if you decided their decision was the final say in your worth.

Keep showing up. Keep writing your story. Keep choosing you—over and over again.

Because the day you give up on yourself is the day you stop being open to the possibilities that are still ahead.

And trust me… there are so many.

SLAY Reflection

Who in your life has walked away, and how did it impact your self-belief?
In what ways have you relied on others for validation?
How can you build more self-trust right now?
What lesson did you learn from someone leaving your life?
What’s one action you can take this week to invest in yourself?

S – Stand in your worth, even when others don’t
L – Let go of those who cannot meet you where you are
A – Affirm your value daily, without waiting for outside approval
Y – Yield to growth, even when it comes through loss

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
When someone gave up on you, what did you do to keep believing in yourself?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s questioning their worth because someone walked away, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay With Me In Person At The Screening Of My New Film

As I mentioned on SLAY TALK LIVE today, you can join me and rest of the amazing cast and crew for a screening of my new Christmas film July 27th in Long Island, NY. You can buy tickets to just the screening or tickets for the screening and the after party to celebrate with all of us!

Here’s a sneak peek!

To buy tickets go to: IVY & MISTLETOE Tickets

(Photos courtesy of Candice T. Cain of Gemelli Films)

AIR™ Share With Daphne

It was great to join Tricia Baker of Attitudes In Reverse® at Red Bank Regional High School to speak to the freshman on a recent break from filming in the New York area. I always look for opportunities to share my experience, strength and hope with those who may be struggling with mental health and suicide, and it was great to join Tricia and share my story.

Daphne made her first official AIR™ appearance and enjoyed meeting all the students and sharing therapy dog duties with Henry.

For more information on Attitudes In Reverse® and how you can help click this link: Attitudes In Reverse

Carrie Genzel with Daphne and Tricia Baker with Henry at Red Bank Regional High School

Actor/AIR Advisory Board Member Carrie Genzel Joins Tricia Baker at Red Bank Regional High School

When AIR Co-founder Tricia Baker recently presented Coming Up for AIR at Red Bank Regional High School, she brought a couple surprise treats for the students: actor/writer/ producer Carrie Genzel, who recently joined AIR’s Advisory Board, and her dog Daphne.

“I am grateful to Carrie for sharing her personal story of recovery. Young people need to understand that there is always hope for healing,” Tricia said.

“I had a great time joining in on Tricia’s programming at Red Bank Regional High School. It was great to share my story and message with the freshman class and bring Daphne in to meet and connect with the students afterwards. We both had a great afternoon,” Carrie said.

Carrie is most recognized for her work as “Skye Chandler” on All My Children, as well as two memorable Supernatural episodes, “Bugs” and “Just My Imagination.” Some of her credits also include Wizards of Waverly Place, Smallville, Watchmen and

Jennifer’s Body.

SLAY With Me In Person Next Weekend

Hello SLAYER! I will be making my first Official SUPERNATURAL Convention Appearance next weekend, September 21-23 in Indianapolis Indiana! Come out and SLAY along with me.

Photo Op and Autograph tickets are online, I will also be in the Vendor’s Room during scheduled times as well throughout the weekend.

For ticket and show information go to: SUPERNATURAL Indy

Slay With Me In Person

Hey SLAYER! You can SLAY with me in person this month at Modesto’s Classic Comic Con in Modesto, California October 27-29th.

Get your tickets here: Comic Con Tickets

Photographer: Bianca Dorso

Slay With Me In Person

I’ll be appearing at Modesto’s Classic Comic Con October 27-29th in sunny Modesto California.

Come out and SLAY with me in person!