Inspiration

People Picker

Yup we all have ’em, but a lot of ours are broken. I used to complain about the “awful people” in my life and the horrible things they did to me, but, it was me who let them into my life, and, participated in those relationships. When we’re not living in our truth, as our authentic selves, and we’re not loving and nurturing ourselves, we’re not making the best choices as to who we let into our lives. It’s not those people’s fault they are wreaking havoc in our lives, or disrespecting us, we’re the ones who invited them in, and, have let them stay!

There are certainly times when we don’t have a choice, but today we’re talking about most of the time, when we do, and honing your people picker starts with you, I think you may have started to see a trend here, everything starts with us, we have to manage who and what we let in, and for me I run that through some tests. What is this person’s intentions? Do they respect me? Do they listen? Do I like them? What do I like about them? Can I trust them? (oooh, that’s a big one, if they fail that one they have to go, no matter what else they may bring to the table). Trust, yeah. Before I started on this journey I did have people in my life I didn’t trust, because my people picker was based on wants and needs. What did I want or need from this person, there were a few people who I just wanted friendship, but there were many that had a purpose, and when they didn’t behave and do what I wanted them to do, or they didn’t fulfill that purpose, well, I got mad, and resentful. But, let’s go back to trust for a moment.

How can we trust someone else when we don’t trust ourselves? That’s the ticket really. We have to learn to trust ourselves, to honor ourselves, and know that we deserve to be surrounded by good people who love and respect us, but we have to honor and respect ourselves first. We have to get quiet sometimes and really ask ourselves for the truth, we know what it is, we just don’t always want to believe it or hear ourselves say it, but that “gut” instinct we all have, if we listen, it tells us, and sometimes it’s quite obvious we just choose to look the other way, or hope it will change. It won’t, until we change. It’s our job to trust we know what’s right, and, who should be in our lives. People tell us who they are, they show us, and it’s now SLAYER that we have believe them. We can’t make excuses for them anymore and let them in, or stay in, when who they are and what they are doesn’t fall in line with our authentic selves, we are living in our truth, and if someone else isn’t, or doesn’t respect yours, they have to go. And listen, I have a lot of compassion for someone who is trying, if I can see they’re doing the work, I can give someone a lot of leeway, but if they’re just spinning the same story over and over and it’s tampering with my peace of mind or my way of life, then they have to go. No, they have to go, there was no ‘but’ after that sentence SLAYER. Now, that doesn’t always mean forever, sometimes your path might meet up with that person again, if you both are on the same path, never say never, but for the time being, it’s the end of that story.

People, relationships, have chapters and stories in our lives, and sometimes they have to end, or are supposed to end, you know when that is, when it becomes the same struggle time after time, or they let us down over and over, or betray us, that story is meant to end, we are the authors, write THE END, and close that chapter.

As we learn to do this, and as we become clearer in our thinking, we become more and more protective of our hearts, are people picker gets better, more exact, but always looks for the facts, what are the people in our lives showing and telling us, believe them, you may need to move on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you choose the people in your life? Are there people in our life you think shouldn’t be there? Why? Why do you think you’ve let them stay? Are you afraid to let them go? Why? Make a list of all of the people in your life, make pros/cons after each name, it should be obvious after you complete your list who should stay and who should go. If who should go scares you, know SLAYER, you are now honing your people picker, and even though it’s hard to say goodbye to who and what you know, you are starting a new chapter, a chapter filled with good people who love you for who you are. SLAY ON.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! Start off the week expecting the good, when we look for and expect the good, the good appears. The good may start just with you expecting it, or looking for it. Life still rolls along, challenging us, but when we honor ourselves, choosing carefully the people, places and things we get involved with, surrounding ourselves with things that honor us, we start to see life with a new belief and worth.

SLAY on!

New blog goes up Tuesday morning.

State Of Slay Worth Living

Stinking Thinking

I used to have some stinking thinking, and on a bad day, I still can. My default mode, when I’m not on top of my self care, is negative, reactionary, manipulative, and downright awful, I know now that those are all defenses I used to use to “protect” myself, and they were my go-to tools before I found better tools for my tool box, but, now I know better, so I don’t let myself get away with using those old ones, I also know that when I do fall into stinking thinking that something is off and I need to take a moment to look at the source of that. As an actor I always liken my job to that of a detective. I get a script and then I try to gather as many facts as I can and research to paint a picture of who that person is and why they’re doing what they’re doing. I talked about being the detective of your own life in Powerful Powerlessness, so taking what I do for work I also apply that with my thoughts in my personal life. My thoughts lie to me, a lot, and I know now how to listen but with a different perspective, I know my perspective can be skewed to the negative so I have to be careful not to let myself fall down that rabbit hole, I’ve worked too hard over the years to let myself live in that negative place, and it’s not the woman I aim to be, so that stinking thinking tells me I need to pause for a moment and get out my detective hat.

Our negative thoughts and actions can quite often have nothing to do with the truth of what’s really going on, but a reaction to something that’s been triggered in you. We walk around with a lot of damage from past experiences, especially if we haven’t been living as our authentic selves, we’ve probably not spoken our truths and have chosen less than ideal people and situations to get involved in, all leaving these really touchy triggers of times we may have felt abandoned, wronged, or not listened to, so in life, we can be minding our own business and then come across something, or someone, and BAM, it triggers something in us from our past, and the stinking thinking comes out in full force. This seems especially true with family and romantic relationships, they seem to have a special atomic reaction with our stinking thinking. Now identifying the source of these takes time, and for me, was aided a lot by counselling to put all the puzzle pieces together, but since these reactions are usually triggered by our past experiences this takes us back to forgiving ourselves, we haven’t gotten to forgiving those other people yet, but if we’re able to forgive ourselves it makes getting through stinking thinking easier. Again, the people we were when we were hurt, or maybe thought we deserved it, is not who we are anymore, we are SLAYERS, and as slayers we are moving forward, but we’re also learning from our past, so when the negative thoughts come up, instead of reacting to them immediately, pause….pause and ask yourself why they’re coming up, what about the situation or person is causing these feelings? As I said, it may take time to come to the truth, or you may need to seek some outside help like I did, but it’s important that you find the root to all of the evils that plague you, once you do, you are actually safer, and, it feels good to have a better understanding of what makes you tick, or ticked off, and why. As a SLAYER we want to have as much of the information as we can so we can make better choices for ourselves moving forward.

For me, I’ve found the answers to most of my triggers, which doesn’t mean I don’t get surprised from time to time, but armed with the information I do have I can typically get to the root of the matter and figure out why I’m being triggered, and if I need to do some more work in that area to clear away the negativity. We are always works in progress, but as much as that can seem overwhelming at times, it also means it’s OK to be fallible, to be human, to make mistakes, we are all here to learn, and sometimes it takes a while to get it, but you will, as long as you don’t give up. The fact that you are even trying is a huge victory SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What areas in our life trigger stinking thinking? Why do you think that is? Do you know where it stems from? Looking back at those things, can you find forgiveness and start to love and nurture yourself in those areas? Write down 5 positive things about yourself. Smile SLAYER, smile, you are awesome.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYERS! When we have the facts, we are safe. Only you can choose who or what you give your power to, choose wisely.

New blog goes up Sunday morning, until then…

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Power

 

Powerful Powerlessness

Sounds crazy right? The last thing I would ever admit to being was powerless over anything. I was strong, resilient, a warrior, I wasn’t powerless, I was….well, I was a mess. Don’t get me wrong, I had overcome a lot just on sheer willpower alone, but that only got me so far because it was only powered by stubbornness, the underlying truth was I felt like a piece of crap, and I was afraid you were going to find out that’s exactly what I was. When I was asked what I was powerless against the first time I thought, nothing, I am in control, well, clearly I was not or I wouldn’t have been on my knees asking for help years ago because my way had stopped working. So, it got me thinking. We are powerless over people, places, and things, we can not control them, we can try, heck knows I did, to the point of exhaustion, but at the end of the day people are going to do what they’re going to do, and life is going to, well roll on, in whichever direction it goes. This falls into acceptance again, but it’s also admitting that we have no power over those things, and once we do, we start to get our power back. See here’s how it works?

If we admit we don’t run the show what we are left with is the facts, and once we have the facts, we have power! We have the power to decide if this is the right situation, person, place for us to be, for us to thrive, for us to grow, be nurtured, challenged, and loved, and if it’s not, well, we probably shouldn’t be there. The more we ask ourselves these questions, and get the facts, then the more powerful we are.

Here’s another one, feelings aren’t facts. Now this can get tricky sometimes, because we “feel” like we should be with someone or somewhere, but, we now have to ask ourselves why, and what are the facts to back that up. It’s like we’re all detectives of our own lives, “just the facts Ma’am,” or Mister if the case may be, but we need to look at the facts, even if we don’t want to, and if we don’t, that’s usually an indication we are somewhere we shouldn’t be, our gut may be giving us a nudge. So, now that we are living in, or aiming to, our authentic selves we have to be careful where we go and what we do, we are precious cargo, we can’t just be throwing ourselves into situations like we used too! No, we deserve to be places and with people who appreciate who we are. Now that might mean that some people will fall away in your life, I’ve had to say goodbye to a few over the years, and it’s not easy, but, if those so-called friends or relationships aren’t supporting the authentic you, they need to go, and who knows, making the changes you are might inspire them to do the same. You’ll be amazed that when you start loving and respecting yourself how other people start to do the same, and if they don’t, well that’s a sign, and, a fact, they need to go. If those people are family, well, it’s not always easy to just say goodbye, but setting boundaries and limiting the types of interactions you’re having with them is step in the self love/authentic you direction. More on boundaries later, but, it’s about knowing the facts and making the best decisions for ourselves.

Someone who has been very instrumental in my road to recovery used to say to me, “when we know the facts we are safe because then you know what you are dealing with and can make the best decision for yourself,” but, at the beginning sometimes it was really scary to ask, it seemed easier to go back to my old ways and just assume or “hope” that things were the way I wanted them to be, or even worse, try to force it into being so, asking will probably not make you feel safe, but trust me, once you start doing it you will see that it is the only way we are safe.

It’s time to take our powerlessness over people, places, and things, and turn it into our power, our power to live authentically and live in the light.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What are you powerless over in your life? Who are the people, places, or things you don’t have all the facts on? What do you think will happen if you do? Is there something stopping you from find out the facts? Get the facts SLAYER, case closed.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

(Photo Credits: Photographer: Jay Bartlett Make-Up: Samantha Dellinger Jewelry: Hilliard Design)

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYERS! Let your freak flags fly today, be your authentic self, share your unique talents, it is when we are able to see through someone else’s eyes that our own world gets bigger.

SLAY on!

New blog goes up Friday morning!

State Of Slay Weird People

Slay Talk Live Video

Hello SLAYERS! The first SLAY TALK LIVE just finished, it was a great hour of conversation and sharing. You can watch the broadcast below if you missed it, and hope you join us next month for the next one.

SLAY on!

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

For most of my life, I placed a lot of importance on what others thought of me. I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, but I did. I navigated through life hiding who I really was. I may have felt like a freak, but I thought that was a bad thing, and I wasn’t going to let you see it.

Many of us present different versions of ourselves to the world. Sometimes, we need to wear different hats, especially in professional settings. For me, there’s a professional hat—the one I wear at work functions, on set, or in meetings. But there’s also the Let Your Freak Flag Fly gal—the woman I now allow myself to be, the true me.

Don’t get me wrong. My “freak flag” self is still there at work, but she’s a little more subdued until I know my audience. In my personal life, though, I am living as my authentic self. I’ve touched on this in earlier blogs, but today I want to dive deeper into what that really means.

Who Am I, Really?

When I started my journey over 11 years ago, I had no idea who my “authentic self” was. Truthfully, she kind of scared me. I had spent years crafting a persona, and I was afraid of what I might discover underneath. I had never asked myself, Who am I? What do I like? What do I want?

I was too afraid to ask. I didn’t think I deserved the answers. I was too busy pretending or numbing myself to even consider them. The more I hid behind a façade, the more lost I became. It felt like I was trapped in a black hole, and I had to fight my way out.

Say YES to New Experiences

I encourage you to ask yourself those same questions:
Who am I? What do I like? What do I want?

Don’t second-guess the answers. There’s an authentic you dying to get out, and it may take time to find that version of you. That’s OK. Life isn’t a game show—there’s no buzzer to tell you time’s up. You’re on your own timeline.

For me, the answers didn’t come right away. I was encouraged to say yes to new things, to explore and discover myself through experience. So I did. If someone invited me to do something I’d never done, I said yes—no matter how scary it seemed. What I discovered was that saying yes, even when it terrified me, became exciting. Each new experience helped me learn more about myself and gave me the courage to keep exploring.

If I hadn’t said yes for all those years, I wouldn’t have started this blog. The thought of opening up my innermost thoughts to all of you was terrifying 12 years ago, but here I am—and I’m better for it.

Celebrate Your Uniqueness

When I teach (another thing I just said yes to!), I always tell my students to “let their freak flags fly.” That’s what makes each of us unique. It’s what sets you apart. And more importantly, it’s what makes you authentically you.

Discovering and celebrating your authentic self is the foundation for honoring, respecting, and loving yourself. It’s worth celebrating. We’re all different—a big YAY to that. How boring would the world be if we were all the same? Celebrate the things that set you apart. Celebrate you.

Trust me—whatever “freaky” thing you think you have or are, there are a whole bunch of people who will love you for it. I already do, you freak! Now, go out there and discover what makes your freak flag fly.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Does the thought of trying new things scare you? Why?

  • What was the last new thing you tried? What did you take away from it?

  • What makes you unique? Do you celebrate those things?

  • Challenge yourself to say yes to new experiences. Discover the magic of your authenticity.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one thing you’re going to say yes to this week to honor your authentic self?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to embrace their authentic self, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  What weakness can you turn into a strength? SLAY on.

New blog goes up Tuesday morning!

State Of Slay Strenth

Weaknesses Become Strengths

Yeah you read that right SLAYERS, those things we consider our weaknesses will become our strengths! Crazy right? Hear me out. All of the things in our lives that challenge us, when we learn to and choose to take the right action, make us stronger and better people. I know, you’re still skeptical, I used to be as well. But let’s first start with this…have you forgiven yourself yet? If you haven’t that’s still on your list of things you need to SLAY, if you have, this concept may not seem so far fetched. I know for myself all of the things I used to hate about myself are the things that made me stronger because I was able to overcome them, or realized they weren’t weaknesses at all, they just made me feel vulnerable, and one way to weed through these things was acceptance, listening non-forgivers?

Acceptance is really the answer to all our frustrations, and that doesn’t mean being a door mat and letting people walk all over us, it means, looking at things for what they are, truly are, with the facts, not our feelings, and then deciding what the next right thing to do is. There are always going to be things that we don’t want to accept, for instance I don’t really want to accept that someone I trusted betrayed me, fraudulently used my name and personal information for his own gain and now I’m paying the consequences of that, but I have to, and I have. Once we know the facts we are safe. We’ve already established that we are not in control of all things, we’re not, or we would have everything we want, and everything would look exactly how we think it should look, and well, we’d probably be on a really awesome vacation right now, but alas, we don’t control all things, but we wouldn’t be SLAYERS if we did, we wouldn’t get stronger, we wouldn’t learn how to accept when things don’t go our way, or when people don’t behave the way or how we expect them too. There are many things we just have to accept.

For me acceptance goes along with my spirituality, if I believe in something greater than myself, something that is looking out for me, it’s easier for me to accept things for what they are, because really, I only have my one perspective, I only know how my actions affect those immediately around me or myself, I have no idea what the bigger picture is or how what I do may affect others out of my immediate circle who are supposed to be affected by something I’m doing. I trust that, if I am connected and paying attention, that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, it’s a leap of faith I know, but you have to agree that when we are on the right path and doing things for the right reasons, ie: not for just ourselves, that things seem to go smoother, that people seem to come into our lives who can help and support us, or who are just of like mind, it’s those times, the times our “gut instinct” tells us to do something, that we are one with our purpose, so for me, when things don’t go my way, I try remember that it wasn’t meant for me, or I’m supposed to go through something for myself and quite possibly the other people in involved.

Great example of acceptance. I was stuck on the 405 in Los Angeles, late for a meeting, my frustration and anger were at a boiling point, I was 25 minutes late, I hate being late, when I finally get to my destination I see a fire truck and ambulance parked out front. I found out that a woman had lost control of her SUV and rammed right into a car parked behind the spot where I would have parked, about 25 minutes before I got there, meaning if I had been on time she would have slammed into my car, and quite possibly me getting out of it. I try to remember that story when I get stuck in traffic and say to myself, “you are exactly where you are supposed to be.”

We don’t always know or understand why things happen to us, but finding a way to acceptance saves us a lot of heartaches and is one of the ways that I have found peace, and a way I turned a weakness of trying to control or manipulate situations into a strength. I can now find patience when things are out of my control and trust the process. This can be done for any of those attributes we think are our weaknesses, even just the awareness of them make us stronger, but asking yourself if that attribute really does make you weak, or if it just gives you the illusion of weakness because it makes you human, vulnerable, or soft, if that’s the case, it’s not a weakness at all, but what makes you a loving caring individual, something to be proud of, and the more tools you get in your SLAYER chest, the more you’ll have the courage to wear them like a badge of honor. If they are truly something that is hindering you from living as your authentic self, then the work begins to throw them away, or at least keep them in check, these are old ideas that no longer serve you, and even though they may pop up, even in SLAYDOM, they can be told to take a hike because their services are no longer needed. It’s all part of the process SLAYER, be patient, loving and kind to yourself during your journey, but in the end, if it doesn’t serve you, you don’t need it, throw it away and own your power and strength. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Make a list of the things you have a hard time finding acceptance about. Ask yourself why? Are the reasons selfish or because of fear? What attributes or habits stand in your way of you living as your authentic self? Make a list, ask that those attributes or habits be taken away, light the list on fire and watch the burn away.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you