Good morning SLAYER! Take steps toward your goal, thinking of each step, not the reward you’re expecting as a result, the result is the affect of each step, and that in itself is the reward.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Self Help
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYERS! No one was every honored for what they received. Honor was the reward for what they gave.
SLAY on!
Results vs. Rewards
Before I started this journey, I was very rewards-oriented. If I did something nice for someone, I expected something in return—or at the very least, an acknowledgment of my good deed. And if I didn’t get that, I’d hold onto one heck of a resentment. I wouldn’t say anything about it until I could throw a zinger at them later—a quick-witted one-liner meant to sting.
I was good at those, too. I even prided myself on them.
I thought if I did the right thing, the universe owed me something good in return. But it rarely worked that way. Because when you go into a situation with an expectation, you’re not going in with a pure heart—or the right frame of mind.
Doing It for the Right Reasons
I’ve talked about this before: we should never enter into anything unless we want to do it—and don’t expect anything in return.
Oh, that’s right. That’s the only reason to do anything. Because you want to. Period.
It’s the only way to keep your intentions pure. It’s the only way not to be let down when your expectations aren’t met.
When I’m having a challenging day—or I’m just plain grumpy—it happens. I’ll do something nice for someone without them knowing. It could be paying for someone’s coffee or putting money in a meter that’s about to expire. It might be something bigger. But the point is, I do it without expecting a reward.
But here’s the twist: we do get something in return. A result. And a result is far more important than a reward.
Esteemable Acts Build Self-Esteem
Sure, it’s nice to get a reward. I think we can all agree. But if that’s your sole purpose for doing something, you’re going to be disappointed—often.
It’s the result of doing something that truly matters. When we do esteemable acts, we build self-esteem. We begin to like who we are, respect who we are, and learn to trust who we are.
I had to learn this when I made the choice to get better. I had to make a conscious decision to practice it each day.
It felt strange at first—to do something nice without the other person knowing. I was told that if they found out, it didn’t count and I’d have to find something else. So, I turned it into a little game. Like a positive secret.
I used the same cleverness I once used to manipulate people to figure out how to do something kind without them finding out it was me. It actually became fun. And the more I looked for those moments, the more I found them.
The result? My mind stayed positive because I was looking for positive things to do. And that kept me living in the light. No reward could do that for me. A reward might shine a light on me temporarily, but it wouldn’t keep the light on in my life day after day.
Choosing the Path of Growth
We live in a world that’s very reward-oriented. It’s easy to fall into the expectation of getting something for doing something.
But we SLAYERS are better than that.
We’re about growth, learning, and striving to do better. What we want are results.
Results that help us build a strong foundation. Results that keep us on the right path, doing the right things, and remembering why we’re doing them.
Esteemable acts build self-esteem. They help us shed the feeling of being “less-than” or deficient. They quiet those negative voices because we’re not just doing what’s best for us—we’re also considering those around us.
SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise
Do you do things and expect a reward? What happens if you don’t get one, or aren’t acknowledged for your good deed?
Do you feel negatively toward that person? What if you didn’t expect a reward? What if you just did good things to do them—without expecting anything in return?
I challenge you, SLAYER, to do three good things for three different people this week without them knowing. If they find out, it doesn’t count, and you’ll need to find something else.
Write down how you feel after doing them. Then write down how you feel compared to before you did them.
Keep going, SLAYER. When we look for the good, we find the good.
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one small act of kindness you’re committing to this week—just because?
Share your thoughts and stories in the comments. Let’s inspire each other to keep growing.
And if you know someone who could use this message, share it with them.
Sometimes, the best rewards come from giving freely.
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Good habits are formed the same way as bad habits are, through practice. Choose to practice for your good.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
Create Healthy Habits, Not Restrictions
When I first stepped on this path I had to change most of the ways I did things. I had to face the fact that me doing things my way brought me to my knees. That my best thinking had gotten me to my bottom. And that I couldn’t do it alone, and that trying to do so I caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering. The habits I formed were based on two things, fight, or flight, none of them were healthy, and the unhealthy part of myself loved that, thought I deserved that, and gave me a small twang of pleasure when I would act out on those habits that were harming myself. So, because I practically had to start from scratch I had to look at all of those changes as new healthy habits, not restrictions.
Restrictions were something I always pushed back at, I still do, but try to soften and look at the reasoning behind them, but when I was starting to get better, even though I had positive intentions, I still had a negative mind, the word restriction was still, very much, a four letter word to me. The last thing I wanted was something that was labeled as limiting or controlling. I had already cut out all of the things that I had been using to numb myself and to get by, so to think of replacing all of those things, which I thought freed me from my thoughts and feelings, I certainly wasn’t going to be on board with anything that was a restriction. And, because this new path was one that was one of better mental health, replacing those vices with healthy habits seemed like a better fit, and one I wasn’t going to rebel against as much, because when I did come up against that resistance I would remind myself it was for better health. Going back to the word health, I also had to remember that old habits can be difficult to break, especially when you’ve used them most of your life, so you’re going to slip back into old behaviors, so when I did, I had to learn to be kind to myself and recognize that even if I slipped, even the recognition that I had slipped was a win, and to love myself for that and try the better choice the next time. Those negative voices in my head would pop up and tell me that I was a failure and that I couldn’t change, but I had to try to ignore that as best as I could, and, counter those thoughts with something positive to show myself that I could change, and that doing something good for myself, and loving, through the learning process was change and proof that I could make that positive change if I just kept trying to do it.
It’s just like going on a diet. When we restrict the foods we eat we tend to just want them more, or we feel deprived, but if we just strive to eat healthy and make better choices in our diet, even if we slip it’s not the end of the world, we just make a healthier choice next time. The idea of a restriction just makes most of us want to rebel and plow through that restriction with a vengeance, or at least I do. Looking at something as a healthier choice is a positive way to look at the changes you want in your life. It’s about making a choice to put a positive spin on the work you are doing to be your best you, even that itself is a healthy habit.
I continued to add more and more healthy habits in my life which eventually replaced most of the unhealthy ones, some of those old ones just don’t want to go away and pop up from time to time, but the good far outweighs the bad, and when the old ones do pop up, I can recognize them and use them to identify what’s going on for me that my old, negative, ways have jumped in thinking they were right for the job. They now help me pinpoint what may be wrong and what I need to address or work on, so, even those negative habits can be turned into something positive.
SLAYER, if you’re working on making changes in your life and the thought of restrictions, control, or limitations make your skin crawl, flip the script, and think of them as healthy habits, ways for you to walk in the light, to be someone you can be proud of, and someone who may just inspire others to do so as well. Make healthier choices for the life you want to live, and the person you are meant to be, it’s all in your hands to make it happen.
SLAY OF THE DAY: When you hear the word restrictions what do you think of? How does that make you feel? How have you reacted to restrictions in the past? If you hear the words healthy habits, how does that make you feel? What healthy habits have you implemented in your life? How has that changed or life or made it better? Which negative habits do you struggle with? When you notice yourself fall back into old behaviors, what is your reaction? Do you beat yourself up? Or, do you acknowledge them and strive to do better next time? Habits take time to form, good or bad, so set your intention to make better choices, with that intention you are always looking to do what’s right and best for you, but no one gets it right every single time so include, with your intention to make better choices, the choice to let yourself make mistakes and learn from them, it’s within that place that we learn the most. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Fill yourself up with love until you become like a magnet and that love becomes attracted to you.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Find Your Own Fullness
I’ve written about feeling empty before, that at my bottom it felt like there was just an empty hole inside of me, I was just the vessel, I was dead inside. I tried to fill that hole with many things, relationships, control, alcohol, shopping, sugar, work, anything I could grab that I thought would fill me up inside. The trouble was, nothing could. None of that worked, maybe some of it did temporarily, but as my mental health got worse, I wasn’t even getting a brief hit of satisfaction anymore, it all just felt empty, but, not having a solution outside of those things, I just kept trying them in bigger quantities. When I finally surrendered and asked for help, I had to stop all of those things I used to use, and even though they had long stopped working, I was terrified to feel the emptiness I did inside without any way to dull the pain. I learned that only I could fill that void, nothing outside of myself would have ever have filled it. The question was, how the heck was I going to do that? I had always felt that way, from as far back as I could remember, I always felt empty, like something was missing, the question was, what was missing?
Well, for one, self-love was missing. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t even like myself, so that added to that feeling of emptiness, and as the pain of self-hatred increased, so did the blackness inside of me. With no vices to hide my pain, I set out to find what would fill me up. That seemed like a tall task, but I knew my life depended on it, and the promise to finally stop the pain was enough to get me motivated enough to try. I was told there was a solution, and that how I felt was within my control, I just had to learn how to fill myself up with meaningful things that would set my soul of fire. So, aside from learning to love myself, I set out to find myself, to find out who I really was. There was a lot of self-discovery, a lot of saying yes to new things, with new people, and there was lot of me discovering what my spirituality was. And I gave myself the gift of time to figure it out, by not setting parameters, just walking through my days with the intention to learn and grow. Over time I started to feel fuller, that blackness and emptiness started to fill up and I did start to love myself. That love came from forgiveness, it came from acceptance, and it came from a newfound appreciation of who I was, yeah, that started to happen. It happened when I made an effort to let go of the way I had been living and learn a new way, a better way, a way in the light, a way I could be proud of, a way that let me be my best me, and let me love me. This journey took time, but once I started to fill myself up I realized that nothing on the outside every would have done that job for me, it only made me feel more empty.
It’s easy to look around and think that a new car, a new friend, a different city, another event will fill you up, and it might, for a while, but outside things will never fill an inside job. Find out what fills you up, take the time to get know you, to love yourself, and go on quest to find all the ways you can fill yourself up with your own fullness, until you do, you will always be chasing the next thing to give you that little bit of full that will keep you going, but, over time, you may just be running on empty because those solutions are not the solution of finding your full. If you couldn’t use any outside things to fill yourself up, how would you fill that void SLAYER, that, is the question only you can answer. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: What do you use to fill yourself up? Are these things that can be bought? Are these people? Places? Things? What if you couldn’t use those to fill yourself up and only had to use yourself, how would you do it? What makes you feel full? What of those things can you not buy? Do you still have some things on your list SLAYER? Find more of those things, discover those things in your life that fill you up inside that you cannot buy, learn what they are, find a connection to those things that give back to you, that is the only way to truly feel full, and the only way to learn who you truly are.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! We are all connected by our stories, by what we share, what we reveal, and what we take away.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! We are all connected by our truth. The greatest gift can we give, to ourselves, and others, is to share that truth, and listen to someone share theirs. It’s those connections that give us strength, and give us hope.
SLAY on!
You Have A Lot In Common With People You Have Little In Common With
That one makes you think doesn’t it? When we are feeling low, alone, and are sitting in the dark, we feel like no one would understand what we’re going through, we feel lost, like we’re the only ones who are, or have, gone through what we’re going through. But the truth is, many of us have similar or shared experiences, even with those people, from the outside, we have very little in common with.
When I finally made the decision to fight for myself, a big part of that was joining a support group. I went, the first time, because a friend I trusted suggested I go, so I went, trepidatiously, thinking I was going to sit there and listen to people I couldn’t relate to and leave feeling even more alone than I already did. The opposite happened. As I sat there in the back of the room I looked around. None of these people looked like me, they didn’t necessarily come from the background I had, how were they going to help me. Well, the first woman who spoke and shared her truth told my story. Not exactly, but what she shared was so similar to my own experiences I almost thought I had been set up by my friend and the people in that room had been told what to say. In fact, I think I accused him of it once or twice. But what really happened as I continued to listen to various people, who all were sharing their own experiences, which mirrored mine, is that even though I wouldn’t have thought we had anything in common by just looking at their outsides, our insides were the same. We did the same things, thought the same things, and, had said many of the same things, one of which being that we didn’t belong there before we realized the truth.
You see the truth is we have a lot more in common with those around us than we think. And, we only discover that when we share our truth with another person, or, group of people. Those stories saved my life because I realized that I was in a safe place, and within that place there was a solution to a better life. I wasn’t the only one, all of the people in that room were just like me, and they were all committed to getting better, and, supporting each other along the way. I’d never encountered anything like it. I had gone through my whole life thinking I was different, odd, and the only one who thought the way I did, it was baffling, but refreshing to learn that that wasn’t the truth. I felt safe among those people because I knew they wouldn’t judge me, I mean, they were just like me, and I them, so no one was pointing any fingers saying I should have done better, we collectively were there saying we were going to do better today.
It’s easy to look around and think you have nothing in common with those around you, or, that you are the only one who has done the things you’ve done, but I am here to tell you, that that is not the truth. There are many who are just like you, and will understand you. At the beginning of my journey I was asked to look at the similarities and not the differences, because my disease, on a bad day, would try to excuse a way the connections I was making, it would try to nitpick their stories and highlight what didn’t match up with mine, but when I was able to take a step back, and really listen, I realized that there was far more in common than not, and I found strength and hope there.
I challenge you SLAYERS to do the same. Look for what you have in common with the people in your life, share your truth and see how that commonality comes out when two people share their truth. You are not alone, there are many who walk the same path you do, the question is, do you choose to walk the path in the dark, or the path that is lit from all those like you who have walked before you. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you look for the differences in yourself and other people? Why do you think you do this? Do you tend to judge your insides to other people’s outsides? No one really knows someone’s true story unless you take the time to sit and share with them, and them you. It’s in those moments we realize that most of us are all truly connected by shared experiences, even in the most uncommon of circumstances. I once had a tough-looking biker, big guy, lots of tattoos, wearing his leathers, walk up to me and thank me for my honesty because he really related to my story, I smiled and said that only because we were both living in our truth did we get to realize that, and thanked him for his honesty that day. Be honest, be you, share who you are and see how that truth connects you to others who are just like you, maybe not on the outside, but inside, where it counts.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
