I’ve written about feeling empty before, that at my bottom it felt like there was just an empty hole inside of me, I was just the vessel, I was dead inside. I tried to fill that hole with many things, relationships, control, alcohol, shopping, sugar, work, anything I could grab that I thought would fill me up inside. The trouble was, nothing could. None of that worked, maybe some of it did temporarily, but as my mental health got worse, I wasn’t even getting a brief hit of satisfaction anymore, it all just felt empty, but, not having a solution outside of those things, I just kept trying them in bigger quantities. When I finally surrendered and asked for help, I had to stop all of those things I used to use, and even though they had long stopped working, I was terrified to feel the emptiness I did inside without any way to dull the pain. I learned that only I could fill that void, nothing outside of myself would have ever have filled it. The question was, how the heck was I going to do that? I had always felt that way, from as far back as I could remember, I always felt empty, like something was missing, the question was, what was missing?
Well, for one, self-love was missing. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t even like myself, so that added to that feeling of emptiness, and as the pain of self-hatred increased, so did the blackness inside of me. With no vices to hide my pain, I set out to find what would fill me up. That seemed like a tall task, but I knew my life depended on it, and the promise to finally stop the pain was enough to get me motivated enough to try. I was told there was a solution, and that how I felt was within my control, I just had to learn how to fill myself up with meaningful things that would set my soul of fire. So, aside from learning to love myself, I set out to find myself, to find out who I really was. There was a lot of self-discovery, a lot of saying yes to new things, with new people, and there was lot of me discovering what my spirituality was. And I gave myself the gift of time to figure it out, by not setting parameters, just walking through my days with the intention to learn and grow. Over time I started to feel fuller, that blackness and emptiness started to fill up and I did start to love myself. That love came from forgiveness, it came from acceptance, and it came from a newfound appreciation of who I was, yeah, that started to happen. It happened when I made an effort to let go of the way I had been living and learn a new way, a better way, a way in the light, a way I could be proud of, a way that let me be my best me, and let me love me. This journey took time, but once I started to fill myself up I realized that nothing on the outside every would have done that job for me, it only made me feel more empty.
It’s easy to look around and think that a new car, a new friend, a different city, another event will fill you up, and it might, for a while, but outside things will never fill an inside job. Find out what fills you up, take the time to get know you, to love yourself, and go on quest to find all the ways you can fill yourself up with your own fullness, until you do, you will always be chasing the next thing to give you that little bit of full that will keep you going, but, over time, you may just be running on empty because those solutions are not the solution of finding your full. If you couldn’t use any outside things to fill yourself up, how would you fill that void SLAYER, that, is the question only you can answer. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: What do you use to fill yourself up? Are these things that can be bought? Are these people? Places? Things? What if you couldn’t use those to fill yourself up and only had to use yourself, how would you do it? What makes you feel full? What of those things can you not buy? Do you still have some things on your list SLAYER? Find more of those things, discover those things in your life that fill you up inside that you cannot buy, learn what they are, find a connection to those things that give back to you, that is the only way to truly feel full, and the only way to learn who you truly are.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
“I didn’t love myself, I didn’t even like myself, so that added to that feeling of emptiness, and as the pain of self-hatred increased, so did the blackness inside of me.”
That strikes a cord in me. I know the other day I was sitting in a car and throwing a mini-pity-party of why I wasn’t where i wanted to be or why I wasn’t where I should be. I remember thinking how I made all these decisions and choices on behalf of others when it was really about me making decisions to be liked by others. Then Jimmy Eat World’s In The Middle startled playing. The chorus struck with “It just takes some time, little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine…” and I remember sitting there going: I am still in the middle of learning this life thing. I do feel empty right now, every day. Figuring out who I am is this tiring journey. I feel exhausted all the time. Yet I still keep going because of the hope that one day; I won`t be as tired…
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Nadine, the journey is part of the process. I know it’s easy to compare ourselves to others, or where we think we should be, but we all work under our own timeline.
Some of us getting a later start than others, mine didn’t really start until I was 35, and it only started then because my life depended on me letting go of the way I had been living. I have to remind myself when I make a mistake that I have lived more live the wrong way than the right, and I have to give myself some slack if I foul up. The point is that I know when I make a mistake today, that is growth, and, I typically know what the right choice is, also growth, so I need to focus on that, and, working to make that better choice moving forward.
We learn things when we are ready to, sometimes we feel stuck because we haven’t learned what we need to yet for the next thing, trust you are where you’re supposed to be, continue to move forward, and do the best you can each day. That’s all you can do SLAYER.
Also, we tend not to see the growth we’ve had in ourselves as others can. I’ve seen you open up a lot since we met, it’s happening, you have to trust the timeline.
SLAY on!
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