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It’s OK To Ask For Help

I never used to ask for help. In my mind that was a sign of weakness, that I couldn’t do it alone, that it meant I wasn’t smart enough, strong enough, or just not enough. I would struggle or suffer in silence, slowly slipping away in the darkness of my mind, of feeling alone and disconnected from the world. My stubbornness and determination to not ask anyone for help appeared in every aspect in my life, not just with emotional or mental issues, I remember moving into a new apartment and needing to put together an entertainment center, this thing was heavy, and big, and I strained, sweated, and contorted my way through it’s assembly alone until it was finally done. I remember standing in front of it proud that I didn’t ask for help, but sore and full of bruises and scrapes from lifting and trying to balance the heavy pieces of wood. It was ridiculous, it would have been so much easier, and faster, to have just asked someone to help me, but then a lot of my life would have been a lot easier if I had just asked for help, and it wasn’t until I did that my life got better.

Many of us seem to have this fear of asking someone to help us. We don’t want anyone to know what’s going on, that things aren’t good, or how bad they’ve gotten, we put on this act that we show the world, we smile and put on a show. I know I did, it was that act, the show, that almost cost me my life, because I was so good at it, most of the people in my life never suspected anything was wrong, or that things had gotten as bad as they were. I had so much fear of letting anyone know how lost I was, how low I felt, and how scary my thoughts had become. This goes back to one of my previous blog, You’re Only As Sick As Your Secrets, we hold the power to change our circumstances, to make them better, and there is no shame in asking for help. When I made that phone call to a trusted friend and finally told someone what I was doing and how I was feeling, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me, it was out, and it no longer had the power over me it did, it took some work until it didn’t have any power over me, but that was a huge first step, my admission and willingness to let it go.

There is no shame in asking anyone for help, for anything, in fact, you may also be helping someone else by doing so. By giving someone the opportunity to be of service, to help, the other person also receives something from that, they may learn something, they may get the opportunity to teach you something, or just the chance to get to know you better and feel a deeper connection. Many of us have this idea that we’re constantly bothering someone if we reach out for help, that needs to stop, if we need help reach out and ask, no matter what it is. Sometimes just the act of reaching out helps us to solve the problem, or by talking it out, a solution can sometimes come out of that, but if we sit with it alone, and spin our wheels with it, over and over, we won’t get anywhere, there’s a reason why we’re all different, why we all shine in different areas, so we can bring some knowledge or a different perspective to a situation, use those opportunities, to not only get some assistance, but to learn, to grow, to take control of a situation that is hanging over you, there is a solution out there, reach out for help.

I know the power of asking for help, had I not done that I would not be here. No matter what the issue is, or task, if you can’t do it alone, can’t figure it out, or just don’t want to do it alone, ask for help. Give yourself that gift to not carry the burden alone, and you may also be giving a gift to the person you ask. Nothing happens by accident, the situations we find ourselves are all part of your journey, your broader plan, and if you find yourself in situations that consistently find you in need of help and you’re not asking for it, perhaps that is the universe trying to tell you something, or trying to nudge you to do what you’re supposed to do. If you need help, ask for help.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you reluctant to ask for help? If so, why? Do you think you don’t deserve to have anyone help you? Is it your pride that stops you from reaching out? What stops you from asking for help? Have there been times you’ve asked for help? What were the results of that? Do you see that asking someone for help can also help them? Challenge yourself SLAYER to ask for help this week, not matter how big or small the task or issue, be willing and open to help, and, ask for what you want and need. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Ask For What You Want

I used to be guilty of never asking for what I wanted, either because I didn’t think I really deserved it, or I just thought you should know. Either way, many times I didn’t get what I wanted because I didn’t ask for it, or tell people what what I was hoping to receive in any given situation. As a result I got angry or became resentful sinking into a pity party pit of despair and anguish as I watched, what I thought, was everyone else getting what they wanted while I wasn’t. But, I had no right to be angry if I didn’t ask in the first place. It isn’t anyone else’s job to make sure I get what you want, that job is for only one person, and that person is me, and SLAYER, it’s your job to make sure you get what you want as well, so, what’s holding you back?

What are we so afraid of? The worst thing that can happen is someone can say no. That’s it. We’ve all heard no before, and will many more times in our lifetime, so why do we get so afraid to ask for what we want? Well, as I’ve already mentioned, we may not feel like we deserve it, we do, we deserve to get the things we want, we work hard, we’re good people, why can’t we ask for what we want? We can. That doesn’t mean we’re always going to get it, and, that’s OK, but it we don’t let our intentions be known people aren’t going to know that it’s something we want unless they just guess or somehow or are on the same page as we are, but why leave your wants up to chance? You shouldn’t, you should be clear about what you want so there aren’t any misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations. This was something I had to learn, to speak up for myself, and to clearly ask, and know that I do deserve good things, I do deserve to ask for what I want, and once I got over the fear of asking and started doing it, things became more clear, my communication with other people was better, I did get what I wanted, not all of the time, but more than I was, and at the very least it started a conversation with someone who I wouldn’t have had before, and sometimes, out of that, came a compromise, or something else that I hadn’t even thought of, but was also good.

It’s the fear, I think, more than anything, of getting turned down, or being laughed at, or someone thinking we’re arrogant for even asking. The exercise here is just to ask, to stay out of the results of it, or how it’ll be received, those are beyond our control, but what we are in control of is letting our needs and wants be known, and then standing back to see what comes back, and learning to be OK with whatever that is, but knowing that you did ask, you stood tall and asked for what you wanted.

It’s easy to sit back with envy over what other people are getting, and letting yourself sink down in resentment, but you have the power to get yourself out of that hole of despair, you have the power to say, “hey, I want this,” and working to make that happen. I have so much respect for people who come out and ask for what they want, some new friendships have started because of it, because someone found the courage to just reach out, and generally people tend to respect and listen to people who are strong enough to stand up and ask for what they want, they start to listen to those people and ask their opinions and want to collaborate with them. It’s the start of a shift of how people view us and communicate with us.

There are certainly guidelines for your asking that typically are good to follow; make your requests reasonable, keep it simple, believe you are worth it, take into consideration the other person’s needs, find a nice way to deliver your request, be honest about it, and, don’t huff and puff and stomp away if you don’t get what you want, see if you can find a compromise, or if there isn’t, say thank you, or OK, and walk away. There’s a right way to ask and a wrong way, but when we are concise and clear many times it can be a simple conversation, and one the other person will appreciate for your honesty and courage to come out and ask for what you want.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask for what you want? Why not? Do you think you deserve to have what you want? What was a time you asked for what you wanted and got it? What stops you from doing that each time? What has been the result of you asking for what you wanted in the past? Do you think you may have approached it in the wrong way? What did you learn from that? I challenge you SLAYER, to ask for what you want, when something comes up, and it’s a reasonable request, ask, see what happens, and, if you don’t get what you want, know that just the act of asking is a win, keep doing it and see how things will change for you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Leave Before The Miracle Happens

I almost did, well, I didn’t think I was worthy of any miracles, in fact it took a miracle, many in of them, to get me to this place I am right now. But, when I was in my darkness, I couldn’t see the light of anything that looked like a miracle, my thoughts told me there was nothing that  could save me from the hell I was in. I look back now and see how many miracles I’ve had, and I’m not any different from any of you, we’re all having them. The fact that we are here right now, that we’ve survived traumas in our past, that we’re still putting one foot in front of the other, and that we have all found each other is a miracle in itself. WE are miracles. We are! I’m talking to you SLAYER, you are a miracle.

No matter what we have set out to do, there will always be obstacles, life doesn’t get out of the way for us just because we’ve decided to live in the light, life goes on, on it’s own terms, doing what life does, and sometimes life gets dark, difficult, and seemingly out of control, and we may tell ourselves that that’s it, we can’t take it anymore, can’t do it, we’re out, but don’t, don’t leave, don’t get out, muster all of your strength to keep going, even if it’s just one inch, one second, one tiny bit forward at a time. You know why? The miracle is coming. I know because it’s happened to me and many people in my life. And, when it does come, still continue walking in the light, still keep working because sometimes the miracle isn’t even the big miracle that may be coming after! Stay on your path.

Having faith plays a big part in not giving up. For me, I connect with a power greater than myself, my HP, that helps, and when I do that I am reminded of all of the miracles that have come before, the good, the times I thought I might give up and then something happened, out of the blue to change my mind, or make things better, or just give me perspective, maybe even hope. When we hook into our spirituality, whatever that is for you, whatever grounds you, makes you feel safe, we are constantly shown the way, we are guided, we get signs, and it can be hard when we’re our darkness to reach out, to try to connect, but that’s when we have to dig in and do it! Find a way. For me, a lot of times, it happens when I’m in nature, walking or hiking alone, I find clarity there, even just sitting by the ocean and listening to the waves and birds, my mind opens up, but it’s different for us all, it can come through us in writing, music, books, friends, animals, anything, find your way and the way that speaks to you.

It’s also making an effort to keep our thoughts in the light, in the good, even when we feel like our light has dimmed, keep your mind on that light inside, remember when things have turned around, gotten better, gotten brighter, and fight for the light. Fight for the light.

When I started on this path, and had very little light in me, I made the decision to do what was suggested, to do the work, no matter how crappy it sounded, or stupid, to just do it, I gave myself three months and told myself that if I didn’t feel any better I’m going to stick with my original plan and take my own life, and after working on myself every day for three months, doing everything that was suggested and celebrating that milestone, I remember looking out to the world that used to look so dark, awful, and disappointing and I thought, I don’t want to die anymore, that was my first miracle on this journey, and there have been many more since. Don’t leave before yours happens.

All of this takes work on our part, and I know you might be thinking, I’m exhausted I can’t do anything more, you can, focus your energy on staying on your path and knowing it will get better, we’re all on there with you. Trust me, if you stay, and you do the work you need to do to move forward in a positive and healthy way, the miracle will happen, I can’t tell you when, but it will happen, and when it does, that’s not the time to slack off because it might not even be the big miracle that’s waiting for you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Can you list any miracles that have happened in your life? Do you believe that if you continue to live our life in the light, doing the work to better yourself and your life that miracles are waiting for you? If not, why? Write down something you would like to see happen for you as a result of your work, fold it up, put it in your pocket, purse, wallet, take it with you on your journey, keep doing the work, and see if it comes true. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

This Too Shall Pass

Nothing lasts forever, but when I’m sitting in the muck of my mind it seems I’m doomed for all eternity, my mind likes to tell me that anyway, and I used to believe it. When we seem to be living under a dark cloud it’s like time slows down, and the crap just keeps piling on, our legs get heavy, and so does our head and our heart, and it’s hard to move. But let me tell you a secret, you can move, you can move from all of that, you just have to…well move! We have the power to make a dark day turn bright and to walk away from the crap that’s holding us down, keeping us back, telling us that we’re meant to drown in the muck we find ourselves in. We fight, we scream, we stand up and know this place, this darkness, will not last forever, it never does, unless we let it, but like a thunderstorm it rolls through, reeking havoc, and then passes on it’s way, our personal storms are no different.

The trick is to remember that when you’re in it. Sometimes that can be hard, because the darkness is so deceptive, so relentless we see no end in sight, but it’s there, it’s always there, and just knowing it’s there can help us navigate through the dark until we find our way out. Our thoughts can lie to us, they can lead us to dark places and keep us there. Mine did for much of my life, and I believed the lies it told me, the lies that said that I wasn’t good enough, that people wouldn’t like me, that it was better, and safer, to isolate and stay alone, and the longer I listened, the louder the thoughts got. It took a lot of fight to quiet them down, but I did, and so can you.

This goes back to a lot of what I’ve talked about already, it goes back to self love, self forgiveness, and self care, that’s a lot of self, but, we need to take care of our own needs to make sure we’re in tip top SLAYER condition when things come our way, if we are it’s much easier to navigate through those murky waters, and to not believe those negative thoughts when they come up. When we think back to the dark times in our lives, they always passed, or at the very least, got brighter, life ebbs and flows, and there are always going be times when we’re riding high or clawing our way back, the trick is to remember, and believe, that you will be back on top, and that you deserve it! Don’t believe the negative hype! It won’t always be like this, it won’t, the sun will come back out and shine bright, as will we. It’s easier to weather the storm when you can stand up against it with a brightness from within, light your own way on your own path and find your way out. Sometimes it can be just as simple as laughing it all off, not taking it seriously and walking away, waiting out the storm, but some in cases it’s more serious than that, so, we trudge our way forward, doing the necessary footwork that may be needed to resolve what we can resolve, and then smile, oh yes smile, and let it pass, it will pass, the sun is just on the horizon.

Even though you may feel beaten down, in the darkness, alone, and tired, you have the strength SLAYER to get up and fight, you have it within you to walk through the darkness and find the light by using your own unique beautiful light to light your way, and use all of ours if it’s still too dark, we’re all with you on the same path shining bright. Don’t be afraid, don’t despair, don’t let it tell you it’s won, it hasn’t, unless you let it, and you’re a SLAYER, so look it right in the eye, pick up your mighty sword, smile, and say to yourself, this too shall pass and I will win, and so it will, and you will win.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When in your life have you gone through dark times only to see them pass over time? When have you managed to work your way out of a dark time? How did you do it? When you are in a dark place, is it hard for you to see or find the light? Does it seem like it’ll last forever? Does it? If you are in a dark place now SLAYER sit quietly and envision yourself surrounded by white light, a light so bright it lights up the room and all around you, take that light with you to shine in the dark areas of your life, let the light in and the darkness will fade away.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Celebrate Your Wins

I never used to allow myself to celebrate my wins, either I felt I didn’t deserve them, or worried that others would feel I was bragging, or I thought if I talked about being excited or proud about something that it would be taken away. It took a lot of work to even accept a compliment and not try to make up a reason to explain it away, which I have since learned on this path that it’s actually an insult to the person paying you the compliment to not to accept it, you’re basically telling them they’re wrong. They weren’t wrong, and aren’t wrong, I was wrong to not allow myself to celebrate the good, the wins and victories in my life.

So many times we worry about what others might think that we gloss over the things we’ve worked so hard for, or the changes we’re making, but here’s the deal, if anyone in your life doesn’t celebrate along with you, they probably shouldn’t be in your life…or at the very least, if you don’t have a choice, kept at a distance and not be privy to the ups and downs of your daily life. Anyone who truly loves and accepts you is right there celebrating with you, even for the smallest thing, and, you are also there for theirs, see, that’s how it works. I love it when people around me are succeeding now, I used to sit in jealousy and harbor a resentment, that their life was going better than mine, but when I took my power back and learned to love myself, I started to realize that other people’s victories in my life we also my victories, when one of us rises, we all rise.

Like attracts like, so when the positive energy is flowing, it surrounds all of us in that circle, just so when someone in your circle is struggling, we all surround them to lift them up and support them through their dark days, and it’s important to celebrate the good days, even if you’re celebrating it wasn’t as dark as yesterday. Victory! Time for a celebration! Just having that attitude and the practice of allowing yourself to celebrate you is a victory, celebrate that! Allowing ourselves to be proud and sharing it with others also shows others, who may be struggling, that it can be done, that the dark days do pass, so, when you keep those things to yourself, just like how not accepting a compliment is doing the other person a disservice, so is not celebrating your wins, the others around aren’t seeing your progress, you’re hard work paying off, you making the decision to look for the good, to be positive and to move forward in the light. Keeping the good to yourself, well, it’s really kind of selfish.

So, get out there, tell the world and celebrate your wins, share, connect, and spread that positivity with those around you, that excitement and love for yourself is contagious and will spill out to those around you, and, perhaps even inspire others to get to work for their own wins, or, maybe see that they have a few of their own they should be celebrating. Don’t be afraid to shine bright, your light has the power to heal, not only yourself, but others, and the more you celebrate and work to live in the light, the brighter it gets, and the more powerful the light is all around us. You deserve to celebrate you, life has it’s challenges and each victory, no matter how small, is a huge victory for you, and a huge victory for us all.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How does the idea of celebrating your wins make you feel? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Why? How are you doing on forgiving yourself SLAYER? Have you been feeling love for yourself? If not, why? What’s holding you back? We here all love you and want to celebrate with you, what’s one thing that you can celebrate today? Write it down, put it in your pocket and carry it with you throughout your day. Tell someone about it, and ask them to tell you one of theirs. Stay bright, and pass it on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  Learning to celebrate our flaws, loving them, and turning them into strengths makes us flawsome! We have the power to do that. Loving ourselves and embracing our uniqueness gets us on the road to flawsomeness, as we continue to accept and love ourselves we work towards finding a place where we stop judging ourselves and start to shine, and that, is true perfection!

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Flawsome

Expectations: The Evolution Of Evil

You know, if everyone would just do what we expect them to do, the way we expect them to do it, everything would be fine. Am I right here? Unfortunately that’s not how it works, and then, we find ourselves in resentment. Managing our expectations can be tricky, but for me it goes back to what I’ve talked about in previous posts about finding out the facts. As I’ve said before, when we find out the facts, we are safe.

I used to be guilty of wishful thinking, of assuming that everyone knew what I was thinking or expecting, and were just going to do it the way I would want it done. I was afraid to speak up and ask others what their expectations were and, what they were willing to give or contribute. I had too much fear that you might not be on the same page so I just wouldn’t ask the questions, and then be hurt, disappointed, or angry when you didn’t follow through. But, I didn’t follow through for myself, I didn’t get all the information, and if someone called me out on that, I would get defensive and angry. Really, I was embarrassed that I hadn’t spoken up and done the work for myself.

This ties into a few different things. First, believing that your voice matters and asking for what you want. Now, just because you’re asking doesn’t mean you’re always going to get it, but if you are clear about your expectations then the other person or people can then let you know if they are on the same page or not, or what they are willing to do. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. If someone says no, it’s not the end of the world, what it is, is the end of you expecting them to participate and you can now move on to find someone else who may want to help you out or come on board. When we know the facts we are safe. This also goes for other people’s expectations of us. I used to be a people pleaser, never wanting to disappoint anyone or upset them because I didn’t want them to think I was a bad person, so I would agree to things, or kind of say yes without really committing, so that I looked good in the moment, but then wouldn’t follow through or make an excuse when the time came resulting in hurt feelings and frayed friendships, I would always be the martyr and claim that I never really committed, justifying my flakiness in every situation. It’s funny how I always thought I was right in those situations, but when someone did it to me, I was angry. Well here’s the thing, when we’re living as our authentic selves, loving ourselves, choosing the right people to have in our lives, people we love and respect, then it becomes easier to speak our truth, and to ask for it.

Today, for me, it’s about keeping my side of the street clean. If I’m not able to help someone out, I tell them, I will explain why, and if I can and it’s asked for, maybe offer another solution or option, that way the people in my life know where I stand, and what they can expect from me. I’m not going to lie, sometimes people are disappointed, but I’d rather have them not count on me for something I know I can’t or don’t want to do then have them think I’m on board, and that goes for myself as well, I need to ask if someone is willing or wanting to help me with things, and ask, that way if they say no I know to move on, ask someone else. No, isn’t the worst thing someone can say to you, sometimes it can be the best, because it may force you to think outside the box, or go to someone you might not have thought to go to before. I try to look at a no as an opportunity.

When we ask for what we want, and are honest with others about what we are able to give or contribute, our expectations stay in check, as do others’ with us, most of the time, but it’s a good base to operate from to maintain and build healthy relationships. And, an incredible way to honor living as our authentic selves.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask for what you want? If not, why? Do you think you deserve to have what you want? If not, why? Do you ask people what their expectations are before getting started on a project or activity? Are you afraid to ask? Why? The challenge SLAYER is ask the questions you need to feel safe, and to be honest with others about what you are willing to give, you, like everyone else, deserves to be heard, and deserves to know the facts. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  You are special, so the people you pick to be in your life should also be special in their own ways. Choose people who honor you and love you for all the things that make you authentically you. If they don’t, their story in your life should come to an end, to make room for some new ones with happier endings.

New blog goes up Friday…until then, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Who

People Picker

Yup we all have ’em, but a lot of ours are broken. I used to complain about the “awful people” in my life and the horrible things they did to me, but, it was me who let them into my life, and, participated in those relationships. When we’re not living in our truth, as our authentic selves, and we’re not loving and nurturing ourselves, we’re not making the best choices as to who we let into our lives. It’s not those people’s fault they are wreaking havoc in our lives, or disrespecting us, we’re the ones who invited them in, and, have let them stay!

There are certainly times when we don’t have a choice, but today we’re talking about most of the time, when we do, and honing your people picker starts with you, I think you may have started to see a trend here, everything starts with us, we have to manage who and what we let in, and for me I run that through some tests. What is this person’s intentions? Do they respect me? Do they listen? Do I like them? What do I like about them? Can I trust them? (oooh, that’s a big one, if they fail that one they have to go, no matter what else they may bring to the table). Trust, yeah. Before I started on this journey I did have people in my life I didn’t trust, because my people picker was based on wants and needs. What did I want or need from this person, there were a few people who I just wanted friendship, but there were many that had a purpose, and when they didn’t behave and do what I wanted them to do, or they didn’t fulfill that purpose, well, I got mad, and resentful. But, let’s go back to trust for a moment.

How can we trust someone else when we don’t trust ourselves? That’s the ticket really. We have to learn to trust ourselves, to honor ourselves, and know that we deserve to be surrounded by good people who love and respect us, but we have to honor and respect ourselves first. We have to get quiet sometimes and really ask ourselves for the truth, we know what it is, we just don’t always want to believe it or hear ourselves say it, but that “gut” instinct we all have, if we listen, it tells us, and sometimes it’s quite obvious we just choose to look the other way, or hope it will change. It won’t, until we change. It’s our job to trust we know what’s right, and, who should be in our lives. People tell us who they are, they show us, and it’s now SLAYER that we have believe them. We can’t make excuses for them anymore and let them in, or stay in, when who they are and what they are doesn’t fall in line with our authentic selves, we are living in our truth, and if someone else isn’t, or doesn’t respect yours, they have to go. And listen, I have a lot of compassion for someone who is trying, if I can see they’re doing the work, I can give someone a lot of leeway, but if they’re just spinning the same story over and over and it’s tampering with my peace of mind or my way of life, then they have to go. No, they have to go, there was no ‘but’ after that sentence SLAYER. Now, that doesn’t always mean forever, sometimes your path might meet up with that person again, if you both are on the same path, never say never, but for the time being, it’s the end of that story.

People, relationships, have chapters and stories in our lives, and sometimes they have to end, or are supposed to end, you know when that is, when it becomes the same struggle time after time, or they let us down over and over, or betray us, that story is meant to end, we are the authors, write THE END, and close that chapter.

As we learn to do this, and as we become clearer in our thinking, we become more and more protective of our hearts, are people picker gets better, more exact, but always looks for the facts, what are the people in our lives showing and telling us, believe them, you may need to move on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you choose the people in your life? Are there people in our life you think shouldn’t be there? Why? Why do you think you’ve let them stay? Are you afraid to let them go? Why? Make a list of all of the people in your life, make pros/cons after each name, it should be obvious after you complete your list who should stay and who should go. If who should go scares you, know SLAYER, you are now honing your people picker, and even though it’s hard to say goodbye to who and what you know, you are starting a new chapter, a chapter filled with good people who love you for who you are. SLAY ON.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! Start off the week expecting the good, when we look for and expect the good, the good appears. The good may start just with you expecting it, or looking for it. Life still rolls along, challenging us, but when we honor ourselves, choosing carefully the people, places and things we get involved with, surrounding ourselves with things that honor us, we start to see life with a new belief and worth.

SLAY on!

New blog goes up Tuesday morning.

State Of Slay Worth Living