scared

Does The Quiet Scare You?

When I was living the dark I surrounded myself with a lot of noise. I didn’t realize I was doing it, or that I had stopped doing the things that used to ground me, or allowed me to find peace. My disease didn’t want me to find that peace, it wanted to keep its negative voice running constantly in my head. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better that I realized that the quiet scared me because when things were quiet, my negative voices got louder and it was terrifying.

Thinking back to the way things used to be, I always had music on, and loud, in the car, earbuds in while walking, the TV on at home, or stereo, there was always something on to drown out the silence. The silence held many truths, the truth of my situation wasn’t good, or something I was ready to face, there still was good in the silence, in the distance, but it was still there in between the negative chatter. When I made the decision to face my demons and get better I was faced with finding that peace again in the quiet, but at first, it was far from peaceful. Just thinking about sitting, for even a minute, in the quiet made my anxiety spike. It was like, each time I stopped and found some quiet, I was treated to a slide show of all of the things I was ashamed of and all of the ways was I was not enough, or a horrible person, turning that around took some work.

I had to learn to breathe through the uncomfortableness of the quiet, and I had to learn to distinguish between productive positive feedback and my disease trying to pull me back down, hitting the delete button on those negative thoughts became very liberating, but also accepting that they will come up, and still do, and not giving them any value, or judging myself for them. I remember being told in a meditation workshop to acknowledge those negative thoughts and then watch them pass by like a cloud. That imagery helped me to start to let them go. So much of my progress in learning to enjoy the quiet came from practice and patience, and, not judging myself when I wasn’t able to sit in silence, there were going to be good days and bad days, but really, as long as I was trying, none of them were really bad. Again, stopping the judgment and expectations of what I thought it was supposed to be. That was something that I carried over to all aspects of my life, at least, I work to do so. To observe, and if it doesn’t help me, move me forward or nourish me, to let it go. Now, some things are easier than others to let go, and sometimes the process takes time, or, I just get exhausted hanging on for far too long, but it always feels good to let it go without having to fix it or make sense of it, or make it look perfect. Even if it’s messy or unfinished, if it doesn’t serve you, let it go. Watch it pass by like a cloud.

Now I am able to sit in the quiet, in fact, I enjoy it, because, as I’ve shared before, I find many answers there. It is very rare today that I have music on in the car, or earbuds in as I walk outside, I enjoy the time alone, listening for answers and signs that are meant to guide me to where I am supposed to be, I missed many of those drowning out the quiet. Today the quiet is one of the best tools I have to connect with something greater than myself and to feel connected to what’s out there, it is part what anchors me and is a part of my foundation.

If the quiet scares you ask yourself why. Ask yourself what frightens you there, and also ask yourself what you may find there. I assure you, if you can find a comfortableness in the quiet it may become your biggest ally. Let go of preconceived notions of what you think it should be and just let it be, let it be your own experience and your own sacred space, a space where you can settle in and make it your own. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make time for quiet in your day, or do you constantly bombard yourself with noise to drown it out? Why do you think you do that? Have you ever enjoyed the quiet? If so, what changed? What do you experience in the quiet? What would you like to experience in the quiet? What can you do to change what you experience in the quiet? How can you become more comfortable in the quiet? Our quiet space is our space, we can make it anything we want to, as long as it is contributing to our peace and positive direction in life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! You may be imperfect, but you are worthy of belonging and love.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Worth Loving

Worthy Of Love

I find myself in a place I’ve never been. A place I don’t think I thought I would ever be in. A place that is new, where I am vulnerable, and I’ve been, and am vulnerable, but this is a new kind of vulnerability, a good kind, a sweet kind, a kind I should be, and am blessed to be experiencing, and yet I find that I get scared in this place. That in itself surprises me. I have walked this road for almost 13 years now, and I’ve learned that my vulnerability is one of my strengths, but what I’ve learned, in this place that I am, is that there is still a part of me that doesn’t believe I am worthy of this kind of love. No one is more surprised by this than I am. My whole being is about self-love, receiving love, and sharing love with others, so now, in this place of ultimate love, how I can I be so scared? How can I still have this doubt deep inside that I’m not worthy of someone else’s love?

When I first realized that that is what my fear was based in, it made me sad. It saddened me to think that there was still a part of myself that didn’t believe, and that that part of me that had been laying dormant, silent, while the rest of me celebrated myself and the love I did have in my life, but this love is different. This love is true. Not that the other love in my life isn’t, or wasn’t, but this is a kind of love I’ve never known, one that I had seen, in other people, or in the movies, but never really believed was real or could happen to me. But here it is. And here I stand, scared of what that kind of love means. It seems silly to me when I think about it, that fear, but it’s there, and very real, and then that sadness rolls like low fog telling me I don’t get to have this kind of love. But I do, and I am, but that part of me that is sick, the disease, is trying to make one last stand to get in the way of me and my happiness, and all of the work I’ve done that had led me here.

So what now? Well, I know I have to walk through this fear. I know it’s not real and I know it’s based on the stories I used to tell myself. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to be loved. I do deserve to have this kind of love in my life, and I know I can have it, I do have it. I have to conquer my fears, and tell those voices that they’re wrong, they’re lying to me, they’re not going to win. For some reason it feels like it used to when I had to fight, it’s brought up those feelings of doubt, but I know I have it in me, I know the truth, and I deserve to walk away beating my fears to something really wonderful, and I will. I guess, in my my commitment to always be honest with all of you, I had to say all of that out loud, to share it with you all so that it would lose some power over me, and to know that all of you SLAYERS are standing by my side with your torches ablaze as I walk through my fears.

If you find yourself in fear, or feeling not worthy of love, walk with me, because you do, and are, let us stand together and move forward through our fears to the love that is waiting for us, that is ours. Stop listening to those voices or old stories that tell us we don’t get to have it, we do, and are meant to. Focus on the love in your life and see the love all around you, the love you receive and the love you give, know that you are worthy of all of it, and that there is much more love out there waiting for you. Tear down the darkness of your fears and let the light of love in, even if you’re afraid to let it, it is in the light of love that our true spirit shines, and we fully become who we are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel worthy of love? If not, why not? Why do you think you don’t feel worthy? Is it because of things that have happened in your past, or things you were told? Are these things valid today? Are they true? Or are they just stories or experiences from our past from before you became the person you are today? Let go of the past SLAYER, focus on who you are and what you need. Let love in, and don’t listen to those negative voices that tell you you don’t deserve love, they don’t speak the truth, and only you can silence them by showing them just how much love you are capable of having. Let your light shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you