Self Help

Are You A People-Pleaser?

I never would have said that I was a people-pleaser before stepping on this path, but looking back I was, not in every way, but I definitely identify with some of the behaviors. I think we all can be at times. We all want to be liked. We want to make people happy. We want to look like the good guy. The hero even. But when we use the act of making people happy as our own self-worth, that’s where people-pleasing becomes a problem. Yes, it’s nice to do things for other people, but not if we’re putting other people’s needs before our own, neglecting our own as a result, or we’re doing it in such a way that it becomes self-destructive. Many times people-pleasing comes from our own self-worth issues, I know it did for me, I didn’t think I had any worth, so I equated my worth to the acts I did for other people, and if those people didn’t appreciate those acts as much as I thought they should, I would get angry. Wrong intentions, wrong reaction. We should only do something for someone else if we genuinely want to do it and expect nothing in return from that person other than knowing your act may have made their day better, otherwise you run the danger of people-pleasing with selfish motives. So, how do we know if we’re people-pleasing? Here are some signs.

Pretending You’re Always In Agreement. You pretend you always agree with everyone’s opinions or values just be liked, or to be seen as being on the same page, going against your true beliefs and what you stand for. I am a firm believer in always listening to someone’s opinion, even if it differs from your own, but never fake who you are to make friends, as sooner or later the truth will come out and you will be labeled as just that, a fake.

You Fell Responsible For Other People’s Feelings. Each of us in charge of our own feelings and emotions, you as an individual cannot make someone feel something they do not. Again, it’s nice to do something for someone if you know it will help them or they’ll appreciate the gesture, but it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings, and you can’t, your job is to manage your own.

You’re Always Apologizing. Never be sorry for being you. People-pleasers typically over apologize always fearing that people are blaming them, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. When you’re secure in who you are and know your true intentions, there is no need to apologize for things unnecessarily, there should be no fear that you’re always in the wrong, or it’s your fault for something you didn’t do.

You Feel Obligated. You over-schedule your life with things and activities you’re not really interested in doing but feel you should to keep someone else happy. You are in charge of your life and your time, you don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to, or you feel burdened by. Again, the only reason to do something is because you want to, not to look good to someone else or because you feel you can’t say no, you can. Better to be honest about how you feel than do something and then feel resentful when you’re there.

You Fear Anger. You make decisions based on whether someone might get mad at you and fear their displeasure. We can’t control whether someone gets upset with us, we also are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. Living in fear of upsetting someone is a true sign of a people-pleaser and a sign of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

You Mimic Those Around You. You’re a chameleon and act like the people you are around never showing those you’re with your true self for fear of not being accepted for who you are, or upsetting someone. Different people tend to bring out different sides of us, we do tend to have different facets of our personality, but to pretend to be what you’re not can be self-destructive and can often sabotage your goals if you’re not truly expressing who you are and sharing that with those around you. Be confident in your true you and don’t be afraid to share that with others, people want to meet the real you, not the you you think they want to meet.

You Need To Be Complimented To Feel Good. Everyone likes to hear when they’re going well, but people-pleasers depend on it. They’re constantly seeking validation for what they’re doing, or sacrificing, and when they don’t get it feel a sense of betrayal, but the only person you’re betraying is you, for not being yourself in the first place. The only person you should be making sure is happy is you, that happiness should not come at a cost to make someone else happy.

You’ll Do Anything To Avoid Conflict. No one likes conflict, well, no one who loves themselves and those around them, but to go to great lengths to avoid it is a sign of a people-pleaser. At some point we all find ourselves in conflict, there’s no way to avoid it, and doing everything in your power to try to avoid it might just cause more conflict because you aren’t being true to who you are, eventually someone will see that. Walk in to everything situation with the best of intentions, and know why you’re there, that’s the best any of us can do, conflict will happen regardless at times, but if you’re being honest you have nothing to worry about.

You Won’t Admit Being Hurt. Not wanting to disappoint anyone or hurt them, you keep your feelings inside, not admitting when you’ve been hurt. You deny anything is wrong, which only makes you feel worse, and keeps those relationships superficial and weak, as sooner or later your pain will cause you to disengage with that person, or they’ll sense you’re not being honest about who you are. If you’ve gotten hurt talk to the other person, we unintentionally hurt others at times, and some times it’s done by us. A conversation can clear the air and make a relationship clearer and stronger.

Recognize yourself in any of these behaviors? I think we all can to a degree, whether in our current life or in the past. People-pleasing really has the opposite result, because as we focus on pleasing others we are not pleasing the one true person who matters, us, and while we’re running around doing things for everyone else, there’s a part of us that is dying as we stuff down our goals, desires, and interests to keep up a facade we think we should present to the world. Be you. That’s all you need to be. That’s enough. Stand tall in who you are and what you believe in and share that with those around you, if that’s not appreciated in your current social circle, then perhaps it’s time to find a new circle of people just like yourself, or, a circle who wants you to be nothing more than who you are. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you identify yourself as people-pleaser? If yes why? If not why? Did you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios in the blog? Which ones? How has acting out this way harmed you? How can you change this behavior? What do you think will change when you do? How is your journey of self-love coming along? Where do you think you can improve? Where have you improved? SLAYER, write down 5 things, you cannot buy, that you are proud of. Keep that list with you and when you feel the urge to people-please, look at it, and know you are the person you need to please because you are an incredible person all on your own and your needs also deserve to be met. Go after what you want, and know, you are enough!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Keeping Your Side Of The Street Clean

It’s easy to look at someone else’s mess and call it out. But here’s the truth: we all have our own mess to manage. And if we’re being honest? It’s usually easier to spot someone else’s than to deal with our own.

Lately, I’ve been navigating a major life transition—a season full of change, compromise, and triggers. Most days, I can catch myself before reacting in old ways. But sometimes? I slip. I say or do something that’s not aligned with who I’m becoming. It doesn’t feel great. But I’ve learned something powerful: mistakes don’t define me—how I clean them up does.

Look Inward First

When you’ve made a mess, the first step is owning it. That means pausing long enough to acknowledge where you went wrong—not where someone else did.

Open, honest communication is essential. Admit your part without excuses. I’ve carried the weight of unacknowledged mistakes before, and it’s heavy. You end up walking through life with a dark cloud following you—not because of what someone else did, but because you haven’t owned your part.

Here’s what I’ve learned: most problems can be worked through with a sincere conversation. People are far more forgiving when they sense you’re being real with them.

Apologize. Make It Right.

Humility is not weakness—it’s wisdom.

If you’ve wronged someone, apologize clearly and directly. Skip the over-explaining or blame-shifting. They don’t need to hear all your reasons. They need to feel your sincerity.

Sometimes a heartfelt “I’m sorry” is enough. Other times, you may need to ask how to make it right. Be open to what they say. And remember, making things right isn’t about winning—it’s about restoring trust.

And if your instinct is to defend, justify, or co-blame? Pause. That’s not the work. Your side of the street is yours to clean. Period.

Make the Mess a Message

Mistakes are not dead ends—they’re spotlights on where we need to grow.

Rather than beating yourself up, get curious. What triggered that reaction? What could you do differently next time? Every misstep is a chance to shift your path.

I now try to see these moments not as failures but as feedback. They shine a light on areas I still need to work on, and that’s a gift. It helps me become more self-aware, more emotionally grounded, and more intentional in my relationships.

The goal isn’t to be perfect. It’s to be accountable. Honest. Clean.

Being a SLAYER Means Owning Your Part

At the end of the day, keeping your side of the street clean means taking responsibility for your actions, no matter what someone else does. It means not letting your ego steer the ship. It means choosing peace over pride.

We can’t control others. But we can control how we show up. And when we lead with integrity? That ripple changes everything.

Let your integrity speak louder than your mistakes. That’s how we Slay.

SLAY Reflection

  1. When was the last time you had to own a mistake?
  2. Did you take action to make it right—or avoid it?
  3. How do you typically react when you’ve messed up?
  4. Is there something on your side of the street that needs cleaning?
  5. What could change in your life if you started showing up with more ownership?

S-L-A-Y:

  • See your part clearly
  • Let go of blame and excuses
  • Act with humility and integrity
  • You’re responsible for your energy and actions

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What does keeping your side of the street clean look like for you?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone working on showing up better, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Let Go Of Labels

 I used to let labels get in my way of thinking outside the box, I thought they kept me safe, so I would neatly label others to keep them all in order, but I certainly did not want others to label me and put me in a box. As I’ve mentioned before, I was a walking contradiction of ego run wild and me thinking I always knew better, and thinking of myself as garbage the same time. It was a really fun mix to juggle. Putting labels on others was a way for me to keep things organized, a way to quickly identify who everyone was and what they could do for me. As for me, I would vehemently deny I could be labeled, but behind closed doors would label myself as useless, less than and a horrible person. Labels. Who wants to be labeled? Who wants to be told they are one thing and only that one thing? I think what makes us all so incredible as that we are all multiple things, multiple ideas, energies, we have multiple layers, all of us. There is so much more to all of us than that one thing, or label someone can put on us. So, not wanting others to label us, why do we label others? And, what if we stopped doing that and just excepted people for who they were on any given day? What if we did the same for ourselves? What if we let go of who and what we thought we were supposed to be, and just allowed ourselves to be our best selves each day? Sounds kind of freeing right? So, how do we do this?

1) Don’t Compare. No two people are alike. We are all different. We may share some character traits, or ideas, but we are all multi-faceted people with a lot to offer in a lot of different areas. This goes back for us to self-love and self-worth, we have to find that in ourselves, and when we do, we don’t compare ourselves with people as much because we are happy in our own skin, happy with who we are, or the progress we’re making on the way to becoming who we would like to be. Also, when we have a strong sense of self, we tend not to judge others as much, we are more excepting of them and their journey, as well as our own. There is no comparison between two people, because no two people have the exact same journey, we all are exactly where we are supposed to be and learning things as we are meant to learn them, we can’t compare our journey with another, we’re not playing on the same playing field. Accept where you are, and who are, and, if there are changes you’d like to make, make them. Everyone else’s journey, is their business.

2) Focus On Relationships. When we tend to label we tend to focus on individuals rather than the relationships we have with them. When we shift our focus to our relationships it stops being about you vs. them and becomes about the two of you, and who the people are in our lives, who they are to us. When we’re focusing on our relationships we tend not to label the people in them, we look at them as people we are connected to, partnered with, or share common interests or a part of our lives with. So when thinking about the people in your life, and yourself, start thinking about the relationship you have with them, who they are to you, who you are to them, and what that relationship means to you. When we focus our thinking this way, we tend not to think of labeling that person, or ourselves because we’re thinking of what’s most important, our relationship with them. That also rings true for ourselves, when we focus on the relationship with ourselves, the one we have or working on having, a healthy loving relationship with ourselves, we tend to judge ourselves less.

3) Be Curious. I’ve talked quite a bit about wearing your detective hat, and this is a great time to take it out and be curious about things you don’t know about, or things that make you, or the people in your life, different. Go explore. Ask questions. Maybe even try some new things. The more knowledge we have and the more experiences, the less likely we are to label others and ourselves and start seeing how we are all well-rounded individuals who have many different interests and layers that make up who we are.

4) Try Different Labels. If you’re stuck, feeling like you need to label someone, or yourself, try on different labels, like putting on a different coat, try something new on and see if it fits. As much as we can limit those around us by putting a label on them, we can also do it to ourselves, so why not try something new and see what it feels like . Maybe try some things that are the complete opposite of what you might label yourself and see how it feels. Practice a little contrary action. You may be surprised at what you discover about yourself. Give yourself permission to try different roles, different ideas, different perspectives and see how much you grow.

When we label ourselves, or those around us, we stay stuck. We don’t challenge ourselves to try new things, to meet new people. Try losing the labels we’ve allowed to hold us back. Break free of old ideas and get rid of all the labels that keep you in a place of stagnancy, let go of labels and set yourself free to be who you are, and let others do the same.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you label yourself? What label or labels do you use? Why do you use them? Do you think those labels let you be your true authentic self? What do you think will happen of you let go of those labels? Do you label others? Why? What if you didn’t label others and just let them be themselves? What if you didn’t label anyone or anything? What if you just lived in the moment, and accepted who you are, what you’re interested in, and what the other people in your life where doing? I challenge you this week SLAYER to do it. Let go of labels and just be, and let those in your life be as well. Focus on the relationships you have formed, and know that is what’s important above what label you would put on it, them, or yourself. Get out there and explore, tearing up your labels, and letting yourself free of the boundaries and fences you have placed in your own way. Let go and be free SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Don’t Have To Ride The Truck All The Way To The Dump

The first time I heard someone say this I was in a pretty bad place, the lowest of lows, I felt like I not only was already at the dump, but rolling around in the garbage, I was ready to get out, but I compared myself to others who were also on a downward spiral and made sure I always had someone to compare myself with who had sunk lower than I was to justify me staying on that truck, at least I wasn’t as bad as they were I would think, and I continue doing what I was doing. The saying is true, we have a choice, in any given situation, to get out of that situation at any time if it’s not serving us, just because we’ve always done it that way, we had agreed to do it, or couldn’t figure out another option doesn’t mean we have to stick it out to the bitter end as it destroys us in the process. If it doesn’t feel right, if it is harming you, if it just isn’t the right place for you to be, right now, get off the truck, that’s the only obligation you have, to see things through for yourself, not that that truck gets to it’s final destination with us on board.

We can make a lot of excuses for not getting the help we need, or not reaching out, or, just doing the right thing for ourselves, we may even start to hang out with people who are far worse than we are just so we don’t look so bad, not noticing that we’re slowly slipping down, lower and lower, but have cleverly used the smokescreen of lower companions to shield us from the truth that we’re in trouble. Why is it so hard for us to ask for help? Or to get ourselves to take it? Or, to just make better choices for ourselves? A lot of times it boils down to pride, ego, and perspective, we sometimes choose to see what we want to see instead of what’s really going on. We also sometimes are so good at pulling the wool over our own eyes that we haven’t even noticed the slow dissension into the garbage we currently find ourselves. We get to stop the way we’ve been living at any time. We have that power. It’s our choice. So why continue to suffer if you don’t have to?

If you think it’s what you deserve than it goes back to finding self-love, learning to honor and appreciate who you are and finding better choices that bring you out of the darkness and at one with your purpose and your spirit. If it’s about not knowing what the better choices are, it’s about finding some outside help, maybe a friend or mentor, or perhaps a counselor of some kind to help and guide you onto a better path of empowerment. For me it took both, it took a good group of people who had been where I was and who were also on the same path I was on, and counselling, I needed all the help I could get, I had to start from scratch and re-examine all the decisions and choices that I was making because the ones I was making nearly brought me to a place of extinction. I had to get humble and I had to be willing to try new things, to bring me out of the shadows and into the light. I had to trust. And, I had to take action. The first action I had to take was to get off the truck, that was my first action in living a positive life.

You have the power to change the direction your life is going, if it no longer serves you, or never did, get off the truck. Find the resources available to you to help you make a change for the better, an investment in yourself, and a life you deserve. Only you can do this for yourself, no one else can do it for you. It may take every bit of fight you have left to make that initial change, but it’s worth it, because that one decision can set the course of a chain of events that might just save your life, or, set you off on a journey beyond your wildest dreams to a life you may have thought was out of reach. You can have it SLAYER, but how much longer are you going to ride that truck until you get off and go get it?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you still living a life that no longer serves you? Have you always done what’s expected of you no matter how you feel about it? How has this damaged you? Have you always done the opposite of what’s expected of you just to defy the expectations? What has this take from you? What if you made decisions purely on what was right and healthy for you? How do you think that would feel? What’s stopping you from doing that? SLAYER, you, you are the only one who is stopping you. Step out of your own way and start working with yourself to be your better self, to get a better life, to be the person you’ve always wanted to be. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You Addicted To Excitement?

Does the thought of your life being calm, quiet, and drama-free make your skin crawl? Does it send a chill down your spine? Does a stress-free existence sound like a four-letter word?
You may be addicted to excitement.

For many people, the idea of living a peaceful life is so repelling or frightening they create problems and chaos to feel alive—but at what cost?

It’s common for those who have lived in an unpredictable environment to continue creating unpredictability after they’ve left it. They mimic the feelings of their past and link them to the feeling of being alive because that’s what they’ve known. It can also stem from low self-esteem and ego running wild—that nasty combo I know all too well from my own past.

That feeling of not deserving the good, of the good never being enough. A vicious cycle of damage, adding unnecessary wreckage, and a constant desire to find the next big thing worthy of unrealistic expectations. But here’s the truth: it’s doing ourselves harm, or putting a band-aid over a wound that can’t be healed by outside things. That wound will never heal because we never allow it to—it’s what we’ve chosen to give us purpose. And without it, what would our purpose be?

Redefining Purpose

What if we made our purpose living a life full of love and beautiful, healthy things? And by beautiful, healthy things, I mean those that are right for us—not what our family, friends, or colleagues think they should be. We get to decide.

It took work for me to find a way to be comfortable without drama or a “big” adrenaline rush. I thought I needed it to feel alive—an event, shopping spree, a night out, or just being part of something. But what I didn’t realize was I needed to feel a part of my own life, and I didn’t.

I felt like life was a runaway train, and I didn’t even have a ticket. Even when it slowed enough for me to catch up, I was left standing on the platform, suitcase in hand, watching it leave again. I didn’t know where the train was going—I just wanted to escape myself and the messes I’d created trying to feel purpose or that rush of excitement.

Linking Fear to Excitement

Many of us link fear to excitement. Creating circumstances that trigger fear gives us that same rush, that jolt we associate with being alive.
We procrastinate to feel stress, pick unhealthy relationships, lie, cheat, or steal—not because of poor decisions but because we’re looking for that “hit” of excitement. Some even put themselves in dangerous situations to feed this addiction.

But it doesn’t serve us. It doesn’t help us. Ultimately, it damages our lives.

The first step to finding a healthier way to live is to identify what we’re doing—and why. Often it’s rooted in abandonment issues, growing up in chaotic homes, or our own past struggles. Whatever the source, once you’ve named it, you can start making healthier choices.

Practicing Contrary Action

For me, it took a lot of contrary action. Doing the opposite of what I wanted—or had been doing. Learning to be comfortable in the discomfort of not feeding off drama. Breathing through the moments when I wanted to stir things up, create trouble, or plan an escape. Learning just to be.

And to trust and love myself, accepting that I was enough.

Yes, it’s wonderful to have things to look forward to. But not when they replace living your life or fill a void that’s really an inside job. Only you can fill that void—and it won’t come from outside things.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Do you feel like your life has no meaning without drama or excitement?

  • If you removed those things, what would you be left with?

  • How could you fill your life up without using those distractions?

  • What are more loving ways you could nourish yourself?

  • What can you work on within yourself to feel less alone, abandoned, or left out?

  • Really look at your life—what do you have, and who are you?

  • What do you know to be true?

Start building from there. If there are things you don’t like, change them—but change them for you. Make changes that honor and show yourself that you love yourself. That you will never abandon you.

SLAY on.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever caught yourself creating drama or chasing excitement just to feel alive?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s ready to embrace calm and break free from chaos, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Celebrate Your True Spirit

For most of my life I lived behind a mask, a cardboard cutout of who I thought you wanted me to be, and I say cardboard because it always felt flimsy, like if it got wet it would buckle, and as time when on it seemed to get ragged from overuse, it seemed to give way to the broken woman who held it up with white knuckles because she was clinging to it with all her might. My spirit was broken, was pushed so far down under the muck and sludge I had thrown on top of it that I wasn’t sure it was even there, never-mind celebrate it. It took a lot of work to finally let it back out and to shine. I realized as I was working my way back from a pit of darkness that I needed to celebrate my spirit along the way, celebrate that I was a survivor, celebrate that drive in me to get better, to do better, and really appreciate the spirit in me that makes me who I am, at the core. Now, on a bad day I can beat up that spirit, I’m grateful that I don’t have as many of those today, because today I protect that spirit, I honor it, and do what I can to nourish it, to let it shine for all to see, because my journey has taught me, when I do, great things happen, and when I do I can encourage others to do the same. But, if you’re not quite there yet, or maybe never where, how to do we learn to celebrate our spirit and who we are as individuals?

1) As Shakespeare said…”This above all: to thine own self be true.” Never dull your shine for anyone. Be your true self, all we have to offer to set us apart from each other is our own uniqueness, and we are all unique. We may have similar interests or ideas but we all have our own twist of seeing the world and executing those ideas, so share your perspective, share your unique voice, as I always say, let your freak flag fly! No one wants a carbon copy of someone else, or someone pretending to be someone else, know who you are and be proud of that. And if you don’t know who you are and what you stand for ask yourself, invest in yourself, and head down the road of self-discovery, it’s the richest road you can travel on. Always be your true self.

2) Be Good To Yourself. Give back to yourself, nourish yourself, mind, body and spirit. Make sure you’re getting what you need to be your best self, invest in yourself. It’s easy to put ourselves last when life gets busy, but you can’t pour anything from an empty cup, fill yours up first before you start giving to others. Whatever makes your heart shine, make sure you’re giving yourself some of that every day, even if it’s just rocking out to your favorite song in the shower, whatever makes you smile from the inside out, do that, and do that often.

3) Have Fun. Don’t forget to have fun. There are many things in life that aren’t that much fun, but I am of the firm belief that we can really make most things fun, some are more fun than others, but again, it’s a matter of perspective, and, if there is something that is most definitely not fun, make sure you’ve got a plan in place for some fun after, I use that one a lot. Life should be fun, so schedule some in between those things that you have to do, and even better, see if you can’t make those more fun too.

4) Embrace Your Flaws. First off, we all have them, second, are they really flaws, or you just placing an unkind label on something you’re just not fond of, or perhaps think should be or look a certain way. I’ve talked about turning our flaws into flawsome in the past, and it’s something that really let’s our spirit shine. There’s so much pressure and negativity in the world, why not stop adding to what’s already there by thinking and speaking negatively to ourselves? Embrace who you are, flaws and all, and see if you can’t change some, if not all of them, into flawsomeness.

5) Go After What You Want. Know what you want and go for it. You are the only one stopping you. You’re not always going to get what you want, but you tried, and the act of trying may take you to where you’re supposed to be. But, you won’t get there if you don’t know, or don’t even get started. Trust that you are drawn to where you’re path is supposed to lead you and then take action. And don’t be afraid to tell people what you want. When you speak up and share your ideas and goals others may join you, or may have a suggestion of how you can achieve that goal. Speak up, be confident, and be proud of who you are and where you want to go.

We all get knocked down in life, some harder than others, but no one gets a free ride. It’s about getting back up and celebrating who you are, who you truly are, at the very center of your being, of letting that light in you shine bright sharing it with those around you, but also with yourself. Be good to you, celebrate you, love you, when you do you start to receive that love back in all that you do.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you celebrate your spirit? If not why? If you do, how do you celebrate your spirit? Are you struggling to celebrate your spirit today? What do you think is stopping you? If someone where to describe your true you, how would you want them to describe you? What words would you like them to use? What’s stopping you from describing yourself with these same words. Start SLAYER. Write down 5 things you love about who you are. Write down 5 words each day this week, never repeating the same words twice. At the end of the week, celebrate you and all of the ways that make you, and your spirit, uniquely and beautifully you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Pain Can Be A Good Thing

Crazy concept right? How can pain be good? In my case it turned out to be. It took being in the excruciating pain I was in for me finally to surrender and ask for help. Now, I wish I had surrendered long before I did, I realize now how much self-inflicted pain I caused myself, but, it took that amount of pain, for that amount of time, for me to finally say enough. And for that, I am grateful. Pain is a big indicator that something is wrong, either with us, or the circumstances we are in. It’s a red flag that something is wrong. I do not believe we are meant to live in pain, but many times it’s what finally gets us to a place where we’re open to change, and in those cases, pain is good.

It seems like we go through much of our lives trying to avoid pain, so much so that some of us disengage from life to avoid it, and there are others out there who seem to run to it head on, leaving a path of destruction behind them, including, sometimes, themselves. The trick is to use pain to our advantage, as an indicator that something is wrong, and to allow it encourage us to make changes, or to reflect on our own decisions and actions that have gotten us to a place of pain. When we are in pain it’s time to put on that detective hat again and find out the facts. What is really going on? What is causing our pain? Why are we feeling pain? What can we do to stop the pain? Remember, we are in control of how we feel, and if something is wrong, it’s time to investigate why and then take action to make it better. Finding yourself in pain can also help you recognize what you want in life, and what your needs are. Pain can shine a light on needs that might not be met, so, there is another area to look at, what are your needs and are they being met? If they’re not, how do you change that? It’s also time to look at whether the pain you’re feeling is real or if it’s fear-based. We can suffer so much pain at our own hands and it can be all just worrying and fear we’ve created in our heads. Again, what are the facts? Have you created unnecessary pain in your life because of worrying about things you have no control over? And finally pain can bring us closer to others, or help us build a community around us. I know it did for me. Because I reached out and connected with others who were also in pain, or had been where I was, I started to build a new circle of friends who not only understood my pain, but had some suggestions of how to stop it, from that I learned how to be a better friend and how to get out of the painful cycle I was in.

Like most things, it’s all a matter of perspective, and pain is no different. Use the pain you may be feeling to your advantage, use it to get yourself to a better place, one in which you can thrive and continue to expand your world. When we are open to change, and open to looking, truthfully, at our own actions, we are in a position to stop the cycle that may have led us down a painful road. Take charge of your pain and take the time to learn about yourself so that you can make better choices down the road, and maybe, stop being so fearful of the pain that pops up in your life in the future, looking at it as an opportunity to examine the pain in your life and to take action to leave it behind.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hide or run away from pain or painful situations in your life? Do you see by looking at the pain and dealing with hit head on it can be used to make positive changes in your life? How can you change your attitude toward pain to look at it as more of a tool rather than something to hide from? Or, do you invite pain into your life willingly? Do you purposely cause yourself pain? Why? Does this seem like healthy behavior? What can you do to change that behavior? SLAYER, challenge yourself to think of pain differently, use it to your advantage and see how much of a happier and healthier life you have. We all will experience pain, it’s how we react to it that makes us SLAYERS. Pick up your sword be brave and face it, be strong to change it, and be humble enough to ask for help when you need it. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Find Your Purpose

It took a major event in my life to find my purpose, and even after that it took some time, and a lot of reflection, to finally land on why I was here, and why I had I survived insurmountable odds to still be here. Before that my purpose had always been self-serving, it was always all about me, what I wanted, what I wanted to achieve, and looking back, with that being my main purpose it doesn’t surprise me that I felt lost, empty, and well, purposeless with that purpose. I realized, after nearly loosing my life on a Malibu beach, that my purpose was to be of service, to give back, and once I figured that out and accepted it, my life became much fuller and richer. That purpose eventually manifested into this blog, and into some incredible new friendships. Everyone has a purpose, sometimes it takes us some time to figure out what it is, but we all have one. We all have something different to offer, we all excel at different things, we all are drawn to specific areas, or perhaps a calling, we are all meant to be shining in our own way. So, if you’re feeling like you haven’t found yours, how do you find it? There is a much easier way than the way I did.

1) Take Action – I know, that again, you know I’m all about taking action, but hear me out, when we take action we get a clearer sense of things, we get first hand knowledge of what we like, who we like, and how to get what we want. We learn from that. I’m also all about trying new things, so when we put ourselves out there and try new things, again, we are learning about ourselves, what we like, what we’re great at, what interests us. The experience of doing is the reward, but we also gain knowledge and through that comes clarity, and with clarity a sense of purpose.

2) Act From You Heart – our head likes to get in the way, it likes to over think and make things difficult, act from your heart, let your heart guide you and show you the way. Don’t question it, just do it. There’s a reason you’re drawn to certain things or people, you are where you are supposed to be, and uncensored by your head telling you differently. When you lead with your heart you are leading with passion, you are leading with love, and through that you will explore and find things that you enjoy and that inspire you. Your heart is your best tool to access your passion and true purpose.

3) Keep An Open Mind – you may have more than one purpose, your life doesn’t have to only have one, there may be a few, don’t let the idea of finding the one big purpose stop you from finding your passions. Maybe your passions and pursuing them are your purpose, maybe you are meant to reach people in a few different ways or areas. Go after your passions, and when you do you’ll be living a full passionate life full of purpose. Many times the feeling of lacking purpose comes from not living a life full of passion, when you add more passion, or things you are passionate about, you are living a purposeful life.

The purpose of all of our lives is to live life to it’s fullest, to embrace it, to experience it, explore it, we are all here to learn and to love, that is the greatest purpose of all, but within that, and while we’re doing that, another purpose may present itself, and if and when it goes, jump in with passion, there is no better life than one you feel connected with and one you feel you have something to offer. Ask yourself deep down what fires you up, what excites you, what motivates you, now get in there and find your purpose.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel a sense of purpose? Do you struggle to find your purpose? What do you think is stopping you? What excites you? What motivates you? What challenges you? What gives you the most back? When you think of a place where you feel whole, where you feel excited and energized, where is that place? Where, in your area or community, can you get involved with something like that? How can you participate and engage? Challenge yourself this week SLAYER to take action, to follow your heart, and find your passion, or, at least try, you never know where an open mind and passion might lead you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Just Try

Anyone who follows STATE OF SLAY knows I’m big on taking action, without it, we stay stuck, and nothing changes. It can be daunting to start something new, to start a new project or task, or maybe try something we’ve never tried, perhaps by taking contrary action. But I encourage you to just try. There’s no harm in trying, and really, life is a series of us trying new or different things with varying success. It’s just about the act of trying. If we don’t try we don’t win. We don’t know. We never change, or grow. I used to be afraid to try new things, thinking it was safer to just stay where I was, even though I wasn’t happy there, and wasn’t fulfilled there, it felt safe, because I knew it. It took a lot for me to try something new, it almost took my life, and it was scary to start, scary to step out of the routine I had been living in, scary to not know what the results would be, but, I did it, and the more I did it, the less scary it became, and even though things didn’t always work out the way I would want them to, many worked out in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and in ways that helped me grow. At the end of the day it’s just about jumping off that cliff and trying, but unlike cliff jumping, if things don’t work out the way you had hoped, you can always try something different, and chalk that up to a learning experience.

Life is all about taking chances, taking risks, and adjusting to things as they change, those changes are a good thing, it means we are pushing ourselves, we are flexible in our thoughts and actions, we are riding the waves of life as they come in to our lives. Living our lives to be safe typically doesn’t bring us happy results, it tends to leave us feeling like we’re living life on the sidelines watching everyone else win around us. But we can win to, we just have to jump in and play the game. And so what if we lose. Everyone, no matter how successful, no matter how great of a person, no matter how smart, talented, or prepared, will lose at some point, everyone, so what you are you afraid of? We’ve all been losers and we’re still here to talk about it, and we’re still trying, and still jumping in the game. The circumstances will never be perfect, so stop waiting for something that isn’t going to happen, just start, jump in. Jump in with wild abandon, jump in with passion, with excitement, with everything you’ve got, maybe even jump in with others and do it together. No matter what the outcome you’ve already won, you’ve tried, you’ve tested the waters and took a leap, that in itself is a win. And speaking of winners, stick with the winners, stick with those people are taking chances, who are going after their dreams, who are inspiring others, those are the people you want to surround yourself with, let them inspire you, encourage you, set your soul of fire to get moving and take action. Those are the people you want around you, stay in the middle of those people as you take a leap of your own.

There are always reasons not to do something, but most of the time they are just bullshit, they are just that voice in our heads that tells us we don’t deserve it, we won’t get it, or we don’t know what we’re doing, tell those voices to quiet down and watch, watch you try. Besides, those voices are lying to you, those voices are scared, those voices have no place in our life today, they’re just telling us an old story that no longer applies to us, we’re changing our story, we’re telling the narrative we want to tell, one of success, of excitement, of an ever expanding world around us. Let people know what you want, what you’re doing and see if you can build up a strong army around you of like-minded people who are all willing to raise each other up to bigger and better things. As SLAYERS we pick up our swords and soar, we stand tall and go after our dreams and we make it happen. Don’t let old ideas get in your way or negative self-talk, show those voices what you’ve got and why you’re strong. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Does your negative self-talk get in the way of you trying new things or going after what you want? What do they tell you? Why are those voices wrong? Write down all the ways that they’re wrong. How can you overcome them? What gets in your way of starting something new? How can you work around it? How can you take action today to work towards a goal you have? Take action on that SLAYER, on step at a time, and before you know it, you will leap farther than you ever could have imagined.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Trust: It Starts With You

I have always had an issue with trust. I have never really trusted people. I’ve always wanted to, but have always been wary of their words, motivations and intentions. It wasn’t until stepping on this path that I realized that first and foremost, I didn’t trust myself. Just like with others, I had given myself reason to question my own words, motivations and intentions, because I had done things I had said I would never do, I had done things that harmed myself and I certainly didn’t always have my best intentions in mind before taking action. When I realized that I had broken my own trust I thought, how in the world can I learn to trust myself when I view myself as untrustworthy? The answer was to start being accountable to myself in my thoughts, actions and words, to figure out who I was and what I stood for, and stick with that, to not waver, even if it was the harder route, or the tougher path, to honor myself and my word no matter what. When I starting to do that, I was able to trust, and when I was able to trust myself, I could begin trusting others.

Only we know what are true intentions are, and only we can hold ourselves to stick to those intentions. It’s about being consistent, and yes, it’s OK to realize what we thought we wanted isn’t at all what we wanted, or needed, and head off in a new direction, it’s about being honest with ourselves and learning to listen to our ‘gut’ as it were, the voice that guides us and tells us when we’re headed in the right direction, with the right people. Don’t know what voice I’m talking about it? Then perhaps it’s about getting to know yourself, truly knowing yourself, warts and all. Who are you? What do you want? Who do you want it with? How are you going to get there? Start a relationship with yourself. Learn about yourself. Ask yourself the tough questions. And, don’t be afraid of the answers. The answers are you. As I keep saying over and over, when we know the facts we are safe, so never be afraid of what comes up, it’s you, and if you don’t like it, change it, or trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in that given moment. If something is coming up, it’s coming up for a reason. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have, and learning who you are allows you to figure out how you want to interact with the world, who you want to be, and from there learning to trust yourself. You can’t trust someone you don’t know, there are too many question marks. So, how do we fill in the answers about ourselves where there may be blanks?

1) Slow Down – stop keeping yourself busy, take some time for you, and stop over-scheduling yourself to keep yourself busy, give yourself time to catch up to yourself and check in to see how you’re doing and what’s going on.

2) Get Quiet – once you’ve slowed down, find some quiet time. Does that scare you? It doesn’t have to, and, the more you do it the more you’ll crave it. If you are afraid or reluctant, ask yourself why, that’s a good place to start. Connect with your truth. What’s it telling you?

3) Own Who You Are – no one knows you as well as you do, or at least as much as you’re privy to. So much importance is placed on what other people think of us sometimes, it doesn’t matter, what matters is what you think of you, and if that’s not positive, what can you do to change that? Take back your power, owning who you are gives you power, you may not be perfect, but you are you, and you are the best you you can be. If you’re not, why not? How can you work towards a you you would be proud of? Fight for you, you’re worth it.

4) Question Yourself – continuously check in, ask yourself what you want, how can you get it, who you are, who the people are you’ve chosen to be in your life, keep asking, things may change, and that’s OK, but only you can get the true answers to what’s happening inside, and what makes you tick.

5) Connection To A Higher Power – find a connection to something greater than yourself. Whether you call that God, or The Universe, or nature, or whatever that may be for you, connect with it and listen, because along with your inner voice comes the faith and guidance from something that may help you on your journey, and may give you comfort when that journey becomes difficult.

6) You Are Not Alone – this one goes two-fold, if you’ve found a connection to something bigger than you you’re halfway there, but along this journey of self-trust you’re also becoming a friend to yourself, that ensures you are never alone.

7) Don’t Let Others’ Fears Become Your Own – it’s easy to listen and take on what other people are saying and letting that stop, or paralyze you from doing what you are drawn to do, you are only accountable to yourself, not what other people are saying, again, this is about trusting yourself, so follow your path, and not the one laid out by someone else who may not have your best intentions at heart, or truly know you. Stand tall in who are you and what you want to do.

8) You Can Do It – if you’re practicing the principles above you’re well on your way to finding the trust within yourself and the more you start to realize that everything you’ve been looking for you have inside, you’ve just need to ignite that fire. Believe, and trust.

When we are accountable, to ourselves and to those around us, we not only learn to trust ourselves but we also learn to trust the people in our lives. And if we’ve chosen the right people to surround us, then we have no reason not to trust them, and we continue to build trustworthy relationships. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble trusting people? If so, why? Do you trust yourself? If not, why? How do you think you can find more trust within yourself? Do you consider yourself trustworthy? If not, why? How can you change that? What are 5 acts that you can work on this week to begin to trust yourself? Do them SLAYER, self-trust is the foundation to a stronger healthier life, if you can’t trust yourself, who can you trust? It starts with you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you