personal responsibility

What You Do When No One Is Watching

We all have moments where we wear different masks. There’s the version of us the world sees—and then there’s the version that shows up when no one else is around. Ideally, these two should be one and the same. We should move through life with consistency, acting with honor and integrity whether eyes are on us or not. But let’s be honest: that’s not always what happens.

For many years, I was someone who acted differently when I thought I could get away with it. I wore my victimhood like armor, and when life didn’t go my way, I convinced myself it owed me something in return.

I remember being at the grocery store once when the cashier forgot to ring up an item in my cart. I noticed—but I said nothing. Instead, I walked out with it and told myself it was a win. A moment of justice. But deep down, I knew better. I was raised to know right from wrong. And I knew I’d crossed a line.

That item may have been free, but the guilt wasn’t. I carried it around, letting it reinforce the story that I was a bad person. And the more I let myself slide in little ways when no one was watching, the harder it became to hold onto any sense of self-worth.

We think we’re slick. We think we’re getting away with something. But we’re not. Because even if no one else sees it, we do.

A Shift in Integrity

When I committed to recovery and started learning to love myself, I had to reckon with the person I was when no one was watching. I had to confront the choices I’d made in secret and the ways I’d let myself down. And I had to stop.

I made a promise to myself: I would always act as if someone was watching.

Because someone was. Me.

And that meant doing the right thing—even when it was hard, even when it was inconvenient, and even when no one would ever know. Especially then.

Today, doing the right thing fills me with peace. It lifts me up. It affirms the person I’m becoming. I no longer carry the weight of guilt for the sake of a cheap win. Instead, I carry the quiet confidence that comes from living in alignment with my values.

I was once told: if you do something kind and the person finds out, it doesn’t count. Because the good deed isn’t about credit. It’s about character.

The Power of Quiet Character

In a world that rewards appearances, doing the right thing quietly, consistently, and without applause is an act of rebellion. It’s also an act of self-love.

Every time you choose honesty over deception, compassion over ego, and integrity over the easy way out—you build a life rooted in trust.

The next time you find yourself in a moment of choice, ask: What would I do if someone I deeply respect were watching me right now?

Then act from that place.

Because the truth is, the person who matters most is watching. And they live inside of you.

SLAY on.

SLAY Reflection: Who Are You When It’s Just You?

  • Do you behave the same way when no one is watching? If not, why?
  • What’s the cost of getting away with something? How does it sit with you later?
  • What values matter most to you? Are you living in alignment with them?
  • What’s one recent moment where you could’ve acted differently—and chose integrity instead?
  • How do you feel when you do the right thing, even if no one notices? What does that say about the person you’re becoming?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What does integrity look like in your everyday life—especially when no one else is watching?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s trying to realign with their values, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a quiet reminder of who we really are.

No One Can Drive You Crazy Unless You Give Them The Keys

We’ve all had those moments—when someone gets under our skin, disrupts our peace, and throws our entire day off course. Sometimes, it’s a conversation. Other times, it’s a repeated behavior. And before we know it, we’re consumed—playing it over and over in our minds, stewing in frustration, resentment, or defeat.

But here’s the truth:
They only have that power if we hand them the keys.

For a long time, I didn’t see that.
I thought I was just a victim of circumstance, or worse—other people.
But what I was really doing was giving away control.
Letting someone else take the wheel.
And then wondering why I kept crashing.

The Cost of Handing Over the Wheel

In my past, I gave away the keys to my peace all the time.

Sometimes it was people-pleasing—I didn’t want anyone to be upset with me, so I’d go along with something even when it didn’t feel right.
Other times, I hoped that if I just tolerated enough, something good would eventually come of it.
And then there were times I gave away control so I could keep telling the same story: that I was the victim.
That life happened to me.
That I had no power.

It kept me sick.
It kept me stuck.
And it kept me in relationships, situations, and patterns that were not good for me.

Recovery Handed Me Back the Keys

When I began my recovery journey, one of the first things I had to do was take radical responsibility for my own life.

That meant owning my choices.
Being honest with myself about my part.
And realizing that I could no longer blame other people for how I felt, what I did, or what direction my life was going in.

It was sobering at first.
But also liberating.
Because if I had the power to give the keys away…
I also had the power to take them back.

Who’s Driving?

Here’s what I’ve learned:
You can’t complain about where your life is going if you’ve let someone else steer.

Yes—people may have opinions.
Yes—they might try to sway you.
But at the end of the day, you are the one in the driver’s seat.

You decide what’s best for you.
You set the course.
And if someone keeps reaching for the wheel?
It might be time to rethink whether they belong in your vehicle at all.

Emotional Hijacking

Letting someone else “drive” doesn’t always look like direct control.
Sometimes, it’s letting a comment ruin your whole day.
Or replaying an argument in your mind on loop.
Or getting pulled into drama that has nothing to do with you.

These are all ways we give our power away.
All ways we hand over the keys—without even realizing it.

Today, I choose to drive.
Even when the road gets bumpy.
Even when I make a wrong turn.
Because it’s my journey, and I’d rather learn from my own mistakes than crash because someone else took the wheel.

SLAY Reflection: Who’s Driving Your Life?

  1. Do you let others emotionally hijack your peace?
    What triggers this—and how often does it happen?

  2. Have you given someone the power to influence your thoughts, decisions, or direction?
    How does that make you feel?

  3. Are you holding onto resentment or trying to control situations that no longer involve you?
    What would happen if you let that go?

  4. Is there someone in your life who repeatedly tries to take the wheel?
    Is that a healthy relationship—or something that needs to shift?

  5. What can you do today to take your power back and stay in the driver’s seat?
    What boundary needs to be drawn—or reinforced?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever handed someone else the keys to your peace—and what did it take to take them back?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s giving away their power, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Find Your OK Without Giving Away Your Power

We all want people, places, and things to go our way.
We imagine how life should look, how others should act—and when things don’t line up with that vision, we get unsettled.
Sometimes we unravel.

But here’s the truth:
If you need someone else to act a certain way so you can be OK… you’ve given away your power.

We cannot control the world around us.
We can only control how we show up in it.

Control, Acceptance, and That False Sense of Safety

Back when I was living in the dark—emotionally, mentally, spiritually—my life felt completely unmanageable. I was spiraling, yet I still expected everything around me to bend in my favor. If things didn’t go how I wanted, I panicked. If people didn’t say or do what I thought they should, I spun out.

So I tried to control what I couldn’t:
People.
Places.
Situations.
Emotions.
Outcomes.

Spoiler: It never worked.
And it only made me feel worse.

When we tether our mental wellness to the actions of others, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment, resentment, and chaos. True stability doesn’t come from control—it comes from acceptance.

Pause. Then Take Right Action.

Today, when I feel disturbed, I pause.

I ask myself:

  • What’s actually going on?

  • What do I need to do for me?

  • Is there any action to take?

  • Or is this something I need to let go?

That pause is everything.

Because if I haven’t checked in with myself—if I haven’t done the inner work first—any action I take outwardly might come from fear, ego, or unmet expectations.

Feelings aren’t facts.
And reactions aren’t always truth.

I’ve learned that when I find my center—when I root myself in clarity and self-love—I no longer need everyone else to behave a certain way for me to be OK.
I become OK because I’ve chosen to be.

You Are Not the Center of the Universe (And That’s a Good Thing)

Sometimes we resist change because it feels personal.
Unfair.
Uncomfortable.

But growth rarely happens in comfort.
And what doesn’t feel good in the moment might be the very shift that leads to a better outcome—not just for us, but for the collective.

That’s humbling.

We’re not the center of the universe—but we are a part of something bigger. And when we stop trying to bend life to our will, we open ourselves up to learning, connection, and peace.

Your Peace Is Your Responsibility

Here’s what I know:
No one else is responsible for your OK.

Not your partner.
Not your friends.
Not your boss.
Not your timeline.
Not your past.

You are.

When we find peace within ourselves, the chaos around us loses its power. We stop being reactive. We become responsive. We make room for grace. For learning. For love.

So don’t hand over your peace to anyone else.
Take it back.
Hold it close.
Let that be your anchor.

SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise

Do you need others to act a certain way for you to feel OK?

  • How does that show up in your life?

  • Where do you think that need comes from?

  • How has that pursuit held you back or caused pain?

  • What could shift if you found your OK within yourself?

  • What practices help you find peace regardless of what’s happening around you?

Let go of the grip. Let in the grace. Find your center—then carry it with you, wherever you go.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
How have you learned to find peace within yourself—especially when life around you is messy?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to feel OK in a world they can’t control, send this their way.
Sometimes, we all need the reminder that we already have what we need inside us.

Self-Honesty

If we want to grow—really grow—there’s one non-negotiable step we can’t skip: self-honesty.
Not filtered. Not justified. Not softened for comfort. Just the raw, unfiltered truth.

For a long time, I didn’t even realize I wasn’t being honest with myself. I had an explanation for everything—why I did what I did, why it wasn’t my fault, and why I was still the one who got hurt. I wasn’t lying, I told myself—I was surviving. I genuinely believed that. I wasn’t aware of how deep my self-deception ran.

But here’s the thing about dishonesty: even when we fool others, we can never fully fool ourselves. Deep down, we know. And that knowing creates pain—a pain that grows louder the longer we run from it.

When the Lies Catch Up

Looking back, I realize how much effort it took to keep up the act. I was always spinning, justifying, defending, and denying. I wasn’t just lying to others—I was lying to myself. And even though I appeared to have control, my life was unraveling beneath the surface.

I had a story for everything, and in most versions, I was the victim. It worked—until it didn’t. Eventually, the weight of my own dishonesty caught up with me. I felt like I was being swallowed by guilt and shame, and I had to numb myself just to function.

But that small, persistent voice—the one that wouldn’t stay quiet—kept whispering the truth: You know better. You were meant for more than this.
And as much as I tried to silence that voice, it was the only part of me still fighting for the life I deserved.

The Moment That Changed Everything

The turning point came when I couldn’t run anymore. I hit a wall—a moment where the lies I’d told myself stopped working.

I was tired. I was broken. And for the first time, I was honest.

Not just with others, but with myself.

I admitted everything. The damage I’d caused. The pain I’d tried to outrun. The truth I’d buried under ego and fear. I reached out to the people I’d hurt. I owned my choices. And I made a plan to get help.

It wasn’t easy. But it was freeing.

Because the moment I took responsibility was the moment I took my power back.

The Truth Will Set You Free (But First, It’ll Break You Open)

Self-honesty is messy. It means looking at the parts of yourself you’ve tried to ignore. It means taking off the mask and seeing who’s really underneath.

And for many of us, it means accepting that we were the ones standing in our own way. That we made choices that hurt not just others, but ourselves.

But that’s also where freedom begins.

Once I saw how much of my pain was self-inflicted, I realized something powerful: If I created this mess, I can also create something better.

That truth was hard to swallow, but it was also hopeful. Because it meant I didn’t have to wait for anyone else to change. It was up to me. I had the power to break the cycle—and build something real in its place.

Self-Honesty is Self-Love in Action

We talk a lot about self-love. But the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is tell the truth—even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

Self-honesty isn’t about beating ourselves up. It’s about calling ourselves in, not calling ourselves out. It’s saying, “I know you made choices you’re not proud of. But you don’t have to keep living that story. You can change.”

And that’s what I did. I took ownership. I made amends. I learned from my mistakes. And I committed to a new way of living—one built on truth, not performance.

Was it easy? No.
Was it worth it? Absolutely.

You Can’t Heal What You Won’t Face

If something in your life isn’t working, ask yourself this:
Am I being honest about what’s really going on?

Not just honest with others. Honest with yourself.

Because if we want to live a life that feels good, not just good enough, we have to face the hard truths. We have to stop spinning stories and start taking responsibility.

It’s uncomfortable. It’s humbling. But it’s also the beginning of real change.

The life you want? It starts with telling the truth. To yourself. For yourself.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

  • S: Where in your life have you been avoiding the truth?

  • L: What patterns or habits have you justified, even when you knew they were harmful?

  • A: What’s one honest conversation you need to have—with yourself or someone else?

  • Y: What would living in full self-honesty look like for you, and what would it free you to become?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Where has self-honesty transformed your life—or where do you feel called to be more honest today?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to face the truth, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Your Problem Isn’t The Problem, It’s Your Reaction To The Problem

There are so many things in life we have no control over.
But one thing we always have control over is how we react.

Before I started this journey, I didn’t believe that. I saw life as something that was constantly happening to me. I felt like I was always on the wrong side of good—piled under problems that felt too big, too unfair, and way too overwhelming to change.

What I couldn’t see at the time was that many of those problems were the result of my own choices.
And even when I wasn’t in control of what happened, I had still made a choice somewhere along the line—choosing the person, the situation, or the behavior that led me there.

It was easier to blame someone else.
But the truth? The finger I was pointing should’ve been aimed right back at me.

The Power of Radical Responsibility

When I finally got honest with myself—rigorously honest—I had to take a hard look at my role in the chaos.
And it was tough.
It’s not easy to admit that you’ve been the architect of your own pain.

But with that realization came something surprising: freedom.
Because if I was the one who got myself into it…
I could be the one to get myself out.

Owning my choices gave me power.
And from there, I could start making better ones.

Every Situation Is a Choice Point

We don’t get to control what life throws at us.
But we do get to choose how we respond.

Sometimes the best reaction is not reacting at all.
Sometimes it’s walking away.
Sometimes it’s taking a breath and choosing to show up in a way that honors your values—not your emotions in the moment.

That’s how we reclaim our power.
Even in the hardest moments, we are not powerless when we’re clear on what’s best for us—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

We always have a choice.
And that choice becomes the difference between staying in the problem and moving toward the solution.

The Problem vs. The Solution

When I started to shift my mindset this way, life got easier.
That’s not to say I never get frustrated or upset—of course I do. But now I ask myself:

  • Did I invite this in?
  • Can I disinvite it now?
  • What choice will move me forward instead of keeping me stuck?

That’s what it means to get into the solution.

Because staying in the problem only creates more problems.
But the solution?
That’s where problems go to die.

Clearing the Path Forward

I’ve learned that when I make decisions from a place that aligns with who I am—and who I’m becoming—I stop visiting the places that pull me back into chaos.

I stop letting problems define me.
I stop reacting from fear or ego.
And I start creating space for new energy, new opportunities, and new peace to enter my life.

So when the next problem pops up—and it will—ask yourself:

What’s the right reaction… for me?

That answer will always lead you toward your highest good.

SLAY Reflection: What’s Your Reaction Telling You?

  1. Do you let problems define your mood or your day?
    How often are you reacting instead of responding?
  2. How many of your current problems are tied to past choices?
    What patterns can you begin to shift?
  3. What small choices can you make today to create fewer problems tomorrow?
    Where can you be more intentional?
  4. How can you take your power back in difficult situations?
    What boundaries or truths are you avoiding?
  5. What does the “right reaction” look like for you?
    Is it silence, compassion, honesty, or stepping away?

    Call to Action: Join the Conversation

    I’d love to hear from you.
    What’s one situation or relationship where choosing not to engage helped you protect your energy?
    Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

    And if you know someone who’s caught in a cycle of reacting or proving their point, send this to them.
    Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Results vs. Rewards

Before I started this journey, I was very rewards-oriented. If I did something nice for someone, I expected something in return—or at the very least, an acknowledgment of my good deed. And if I didn’t get that, I’d hold onto one heck of a resentment. I wouldn’t say anything about it until I could throw a zinger at them later—a quick-witted one-liner meant to sting.

I was good at those, too. I even prided myself on them.

I thought if I did the right thing, the universe owed me something good in return. But it rarely worked that way. Because when you go into a situation with an expectation, you’re not going in with a pure heart—or the right frame of mind.

Doing It for the Right Reasons

I’ve talked about this before: we should never enter into anything unless we want to do it—and don’t expect anything in return.

Oh, that’s right. That’s the only reason to do anything. Because you want to. Period.

It’s the only way to keep your intentions pure. It’s the only way not to be let down when your expectations aren’t met.

When I’m having a challenging day—or I’m just plain grumpy—it happens. I’ll do something nice for someone without them knowing. It could be paying for someone’s coffee or putting money in a meter that’s about to expire. It might be something bigger. But the point is, I do it without expecting a reward.

But here’s the twist: we do get something in return. A result. And a result is far more important than a reward.

Esteemable Acts Build Self-Esteem

Sure, it’s nice to get a reward. I think we can all agree. But if that’s your sole purpose for doing something, you’re going to be disappointed—often.

It’s the result of doing something that truly matters. When we do esteemable acts, we build self-esteem. We begin to like who we are, respect who we are, and learn to trust who we are.

I had to learn this when I made the choice to get better. I had to make a conscious decision to practice it each day.

It felt strange at first—to do something nice without the other person knowing. I was told that if they found out, it didn’t count and I’d have to find something else. So, I turned it into a little game. Like a positive secret.

I used the same cleverness I once used to manipulate people to figure out how to do something kind without them finding out it was me. It actually became fun. And the more I looked for those moments, the more I found them.

The result? My mind stayed positive because I was looking for positive things to do. And that kept me living in the light. No reward could do that for me. A reward might shine a light on me temporarily, but it wouldn’t keep the light on in my life day after day.

Choosing the Path of Growth

We live in a world that’s very reward-oriented. It’s easy to fall into the expectation of getting something for doing something.

But we SLAYERS are better than that.

We’re about growth, learning, and striving to do better. What we want are results.

Results that help us build a strong foundation. Results that keep us on the right path, doing the right things, and remembering why we’re doing them.

Esteemable acts build self-esteem. They help us shed the feeling of being “less-than” or deficient. They quiet those negative voices because we’re not just doing what’s best for us—we’re also considering those around us.

SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise

Do you do things and expect a reward? What happens if you don’t get one, or aren’t acknowledged for your good deed?

Do you feel negatively toward that person? What if you didn’t expect a reward? What if you just did good things to do them—without expecting anything in return?

I challenge you, SLAYER, to do three good things for three different people this week without them knowing. If they find out, it doesn’t count, and you’ll need to find something else.

Write down how you feel after doing them. Then write down how you feel compared to before you did them.

Keep going, SLAYER. When we look for the good, we find the good.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one small act of kindness you’re committing to this week—just because?
Share your thoughts and stories in the comments. Let’s inspire each other to keep growing.

And if you know someone who could use this message, share it with them.
Sometimes, the best rewards come from giving freely.

Self-Righteous Anger

We’ve all been there.

That moment when you feel completely justified.
You warned them. You told them what would happen. And now—here you are, furious, ready to let loose with every ounce of frustration you’ve stored up.

You’re 100% right…
And still, something feels 100% wrong.

That’s the tricky thing about anger.
It might feel powerful in the moment—but often, it leaves you feeling more hollow than healed.

Our Reactions Are Our Responsibility

If you have a problem with someone, the truth is: that problem is yours to manage.

You decide:

  • Who you engage with

  • How far you let them in

  • What boundaries you set

There will always be people we have to interact with—coworkers, family members, even acquaintances we didn’t choose. But even in those cases, we are still the ones who determine how much access they have to our energy.

This blog connects back to so many past entries:

  • People Picker – choosing aligned connections

  • Ask For What You Want – clearly stating your needs

  • Intentions: The Truthseeker – staying honest about your “why”

  • Finding Grace in the Gray Areas – learning to live in nuance

It all comes back to this: we are in charge of how we engage.

When We Engage to Feel Superior

Sometimes we step into situations knowing they won’t end well.

Why?
Because deep down, we’re looking for a reason to get angry.
To say “I told you so.”
To feel superior, righteous—even if it’s just for a moment.

Anger, in this form, is seductive.
It gives us a temporary hit of control, of power.
But it fades.
And once it does, we’re left with the truth: we used that anger to fill something inside us.
A need. A hurt. A void.

And it didn’t work.

Lashing Out Isn’t Leadership

When you feel like lashing out, when you feel morally superior, when you want to “teach someone a lesson”—pause.

Ask yourself:

  • Could I have avoided this situation?

  • Did I knowingly enter this dynamic?

  • Am I trying to justify my anger by proving someone wrong?

A lot of self-righteous anger comes from the need to control.
But here’s the hard truth: we can’t control anyone else.
We only control ourselves.

Trying to control others will always lead to the same outcome:

  • Disappointment

  • Resentment

  • Frustration

  • Anger

That’s not power.
That’s a cycle.

Break the Cycle with Compassion

The way out is through awareness, compassion, and boundaries.

We avoid self-righteous anger by:

  • Engaging with people who align with us

  • Setting boundaries with those who don’t

  • Letting go of the illusion that anger makes us strong

  • Staying open, flexible, and willing to grow

  • Being clear with others—and honest with ourselves

And most importantly: not exploding when someone behaves exactly as they always have.

Wishful thinking won’t change a pattern.
Anger won’t either.
But self-awareness will.

Anger Is a Signal, Not a Strategy

Righteous anger might feel satisfying in the moment.
But if the goal is to belittle someone, to control them, or to make yourself feel bigger—it’s not righteous. It’s a reaction.

And reactions are usually about us, not them.

As SLAYERS, we take responsibility for that.
We engage with kindness.
We communicate with clarity.
We protect our energy by refusing to get pulled into battles we don’t need to fight.

So if you’re angry—own it.
Sit with it.
Figure out where it’s coming from.

Then SLAY that dragon—and walk forward in peace.

SLAY Reflection: Are You Fueling the Fire?

  1. Do you knowingly get involved with people or situations that you expect will upset you?
    Why do you think you do that?

  2. Does your anger give you a sense of control or superiority?
    What do you think it’s really covering up?

  3. How does this behavior affect your relationships and your self-esteem?
    What’s the cost?

  4. What would change if you chose not to engage the next time anger arises?
    How could you protect your peace instead?

  5. What would your life look like if you honored your boundaries instead of your ego?
    Can you write down the benefits of releasing the need to be right?

 

 

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
When was a time you caught yourself reacting from anger instead of truth—and what did you learn from it?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s working on letting go of the need to be right, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.