mindset shift

Guilt Is Trying To Control The Past, Fear Is Trying To Control The Future

All we have control over is the right here and now. And even then, really, we only have control over how we respond to it. Sure, we can take action to work toward a goal, or choose actions that align with our best selves, but control, in the way we often seek it, is an illusion.

When we try to control the uncontrollable, we send ourselves spinning off into a task we cannot complete. Many times, our need or want for control manifests itself in guilt and fear. We feel guilt over what we have done in the past, over words unspoken or actions not taken. We feel fear about what has yet to happen, worrying we won’t do what we should or won’t get what we want. Neither of these places is a healthy place to live.

Instead of pouring energy into trying to control what has already happened or what has yet to come, we should focus on what we can do in this given moment.

The Trap of Guilt and Fear

When I was living in the dark, I spent a lot of time in the past and the future. The present felt lonely and terrifying. Even though I found no real comfort in reliving the past or projecting into the future, it still seemed better than facing where I was.

I spent thousands of hours berating myself over past moments, decisions, and imagined better responses. I sat paralyzed with fear over what might come next. This cycle of guilt and fear kept me sick for years, until finally the present moment became too unbearable to ignore.

Learning to Stay in the Now

It took a lot of courage to sit in the present, to truly listen, to sit still, and to focus only on what was in front of me. It was deeply uncomfortable at first. My anxiety would spike. But I was told to breathe through it, to find some comfort there. It took a lot of breathing, but the breath was the key to walking through my anxious thoughts and learning to stay rooted in the here and now.

Like any new behavior, the more it is practiced, the easier it gets—leaving room for days when it still feels almost impossible. But with willingness, it’s a practice that can be strengthened.

Reflection and Awareness

Today, my mind still wanders back to the past or into the future, but I know I can’t control either. When it happens, I take note of why. Is there unfinished business? Is my mind leaping forward because I’m avoiding something in the present?

I’ve learned that I can’t control life—past, present, or future—but I can control how I respond to it. I can control the actions I take to prepare for what’s to come and the steps I take to stay true to my path today.

The Freedom of Presence

It’s easy to escape the present by dwelling on the past or fretting over the future. But doing so robs us of the moments right in front of us—the ones that deserve our respect and love.

We all have an abundance of choices each day. All we can do is the best we can in each moment. Yes, we may look back and wish we’d done things differently, but instead of guilt, we can use those lessons to guide us. When we implement those lessons in our present day, we free ourselves from unnecessary fear about the future.

All we truly have is right here, right now. The next move is yours to make—choose the one that keeps you grounded.

SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

Do you tend to live in the past or future?
What is the result of that?
How does it help you? How does it harm you?
What keeps you from living in the present moment?
How can you change that?
What do you try to control in your life? Are you able to?
How does it affect you when you can’t?
Do you suffer from guilt or fear? How so?
SLAYER, the action we can take is in this moment—everything else is out of our hands. Use this moment to do something your future self will thank you for.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Do you find yourself stuck in guilt or fear? How do you bring yourself back to the present moment?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s wrestling with guilt or fear, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

You Don’t Have To Be A Bully To Win

Choosing Strength Without Losing Yourself

There’s a moment many of us can point to — where we made ourselves smaller so someone else could feel bigger. Where we let a louder voice drown out our quieter truth. Where we convinced ourselves that the only way to keep peace, keep harmony, keep connection… was to let someone else take the spotlight or the power.

I’ve been there more times than I can count.

And for a long stretch of my life, I believed a dangerous lie:
That the only way to win was to push, dominate, or overpower.
That the world rewarded sharp edges, not steady hearts.
That kindness was weakness, and compassion was a liability.

Except… every time I tried to step into that version of “strength,” I felt like I was abandoning myself. Winning didn’t feel like winning if I had to step out of integrity to get there. It felt hollow. It felt false. It felt like I was playing a role someone else demanded of me.

It took years to understand what I know now:

The loudest person in the room isn’t the strongest — just the loudest.
Real power doesn’t need to humiliate anyone to stand tall.
And you never have to be a bully to win.

The Myth of “Hardness” as Power

So many of us grew up observing people who led with fear, not respect. Maybe it was in our home, our school, our workplace, or even our friendships. People who believed intimidation equaled leadership. People who measured their worth through dominance. People who confused cruelty with competence.

Maybe those were the people who seemed to get rewarded. They got attention. They got results. They got their way.

And somewhere along the line, we internalized the belief that:

If we wanted to succeed, we had to be more like them.
If we stayed soft, we’d get run over.
If we stayed compassionate, we’d get crushed.

But here’s the truth we weren’t taught:

Strength without empathy is insecurity.
Confidence without humility is ego.
Power without kindness is fear dressed as control.

None of that is leadership.
None of that is winning.
None of that is sustainable.

Power built on intimidation crumbles the moment someone refuses to be intimidated.

Kindness Is Not Weakness — It’s Precision

People often misunderstand compassion. They confuse it with people-pleasing. They mistake boundaries for cruelty and softness for passivity.

But kindness is not a lack of backbone.
Kindness is not the absence of truth.
Kindness is not silence in the face of harm.

Kindness is precision.
It’s the ability to see clearly when others act from fear.
It’s the ability to hold your shape instead of collapsing into theirs.
It’s the bravery to choose integrity even when someone else chooses force.

Kindness is strength with the volume turned down — and the clarity turned up.

Winning with kindness means:

You don’t betray yourself.
You don’t hurt others to lift yourself higher.
You don’t weaponize your voice or your power.
You don’t step outside your values to gain validation.

It means you succeed as yourself, not as a costume someone else taught you to wear.

Standing Strong Without Striking Back

There is a quiet moment — the moment between hurt and response — where we decide who we want to be.

When someone else raises their voice, throws their weight around, or tries to provoke a reaction, you get to choose:

Do you match their energy?
Or do you rise above it?

Do you let their behavior define the moment?
Or do you let your integrity define you?

Choosing not to bully back is not weakness.
Choosing not to belittle is not submission.
Choosing not to retaliate is not letting them win.

It’s choosing peace over chaos.
It’s choosing self-respect over reactivity.
It’s choosing your future over a moment of validation.

Strength isn’t proven through force — it’s proven through discipline.

Winning By Staying in Integrity

Here’s what no one tells you:

When you stop engaging in someone else’s game, they lose control of the scoreboard.

Winning without bullying looks like:

Setting a boundary and sticking to it.
Walking away from disrespect instead of debating it.
Saying “No” without explanation or apology.
Refusing to match someone else’s cruelty.
Choosing peace even when chaos tempts you.
Being confident enough not to dominate.
Leading by example, not intimidation.

When you choose integrity, you reclaim the power they hoped you’d abandon.

When you choose grounding, you interrupt the cycle.

When you choose compassion — for yourself and others — you create a new standard of strength.

And when you stop trying to outperform someone’s ego, you start outperforming your own past.

You Win Every Time You Don’t Become What Hurt You

What if winning isn’t about beating someone else?

What if winning is:

Becoming who you needed when you were younger
Responding instead of reacting
Growing instead of repeating patterns
Standing tall without stepping on anyone
Being the person who breaks generational cycles
Choosing softness in a world that worships hardness

What if the real victory is becoming someone you’re proud of?

Because every time you refuse to become what tried to break you, you win.

Every time you choose compassion over ego, you win.

Every time you stay rooted instead of rattled, you win.

Every time you lead with integrity, you win.

You don’t have to be a bully to win.
You just have to be brave enough to stay yourself.

SLAY Reflection

Take a moment and check in with yourself. Let these questions guide what comes next:

S — Sit With Your Truth

Where in your life have you believed you had to act harder, sharper, or louder just to be heard?

L — Look at the Pattern

Who taught you that compassion was weakness? And were they actually strong — or simply scared?

A — Align With Your Values

How can you choose strength with kindness in the next conflict or challenge?

Y — Yield to Growth

What becomes possible when you stop fighting battles that require you to betray yourself?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
When have you chosen integrity over intimidation, and how did it change the outcome?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s trying to find their power without losing their kindness, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

I Will Not Kick Myself When I’m Down

There was a time when I didn’t just fall down—I helped push myself further. The moment I was down, I would pile on the blame, the guilt, the shame. I thought that was what I deserved. That somehow the worse I felt, the more I could atone for my failures. But the truth is: kicking ourselves when we’re down doesn’t build us back up. It keeps us buried.

The Trap of Unrealistic Expectations

I held impossible expectations for myself. If I didn’t meet them perfectly (and let’s be honest, they were designed to be unmeetable), I used that as proof that I was a failure. That cycle of aiming too high, falling short, and self-destructing was its own form of punishment. And it kept me stuck in the belief that I wasn’t good enough.

Even when good things did happen, I didn’t trust them. I feared they’d be taken away. I feared I would mess them up. I feared someone would find out I didn’t deserve them. That mindset didn’t protect me—it prevented me from ever feeling joy, ease, or peace.

Ground Zero and the Climb Back Up

When I found recovery, I was at rock bottom. Spiritually bankrupt. Emotionally drained. I couldn’t get any lower. And still, the instinct to blame and shame myself was there. But slowly, step by step, I started doing something different. Instead of kicking myself, I started caring for myself.

I had to rewire my brain to stop looking at every misstep as proof of failure. I had to learn that failure is part of learning. And more importantly, I had to love myself through it. I started asking: What can this moment teach me? That changed everything.

Reframing Failure as Growth

Because failure isn’t failure if it teaches you something.

That shift in perspective allowed me to see mistakes not as dead ends, but as detours with lessons. Sometimes they pointed me toward a better path. Sometimes they showed me where I still had growing to do. And sometimes they helped me realize I was never really off-track—I was just learning in real time.

Yes, there were disappointments. Yes, I still felt frustration. But instead of spiraling into shame, I started practicing self-reflection with compassion. That’s how we grow. That’s how we keep going.

A Better Way Forward

So if you’re in a tough season, be honest with yourself: Are you making it harder by turning on yourself?

You may have goals and dreams that didn’t unfold how you imagined. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human. It means you’re on the journey. And maybe—just maybe—that so-called failure is actually pointing you toward what you were meant to do all along.

Let go of the punishment. Pick up the lesson. Love yourself when it’s hardest to do so. That’s where the real power lives.

SLAY Reflection

Do you tend to beat yourself up when things don’t go your way?
What expectations are you holding yourself to that may be unrealistic?
Can you think of a recent mistake that actually taught you something important?
How does self-compassion feel different from self-criticism?
What’s one way you can support yourself today, even if it feels uncomfortable?

S-L-A-Y:

Show yourself grace when you fall
Learn from the lesson
Acknowledge your humanity
You get to choose how you respond

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What helps you break the cycle of beating yourself up? How do you practice self-love on your hardest days?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck in the shame spiral, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

You Don’t Need A New Day To Start

We love to wait for Mondays, fresh starts, or even January 1st. But here’s the thing:

You don’t need a new day to start. You just need a new moment.

Back when I was sick, I would talk myself out of the very things that would help me feel better. I set rules and parameters for when change could begin: it had to be Monday, or the first of the month, or it had to happen first thing in the morning. If I didn’t start exactly the way I imagined, I would convince myself the whole day or week was ruined.

So I waited.

I waited for the right conditions, the right mindset, the right time. I raised the bar high enough to make sure I couldn’t reach it—so I didn’t have to try.

But what I didn’t realize then was this:

Waiting to be perfect was just another form of self-sabotage.

And I was the one building the prison around me—and holding the key.

The Shift: Start Where You Are

When I hit bottom—emotionally, spiritually, and physically—I couldn’t wait for another Monday. I didn’t have that kind of time.

So I started right then. That moment.

I got honest with myself. I told the truth out loud. I reached out for help and made myself accountable. That decision became a line in the sand.

It wasn’t smooth. It wasn’t pretty. But it was real. And that was enough.

I had to shift my mindset from “all or nothing” to “learn and move forward.” If I slipped, I didn’t have to wait for a clean slate tomorrow—I was the clean slate. I could start again in that same breath, with that same heart, right where I was.

The Gift of Failing Forward

Failure wasn’t the enemy. It was part of the process.

Your setbacks don’t have to send you all the way back.

They can become the stepping stones forward.

We are meant to fall. We are meant to get back up. It’s in those stumbles that we build strength, perspective, and resilience. If we can acknowledge what happened, learn from it, and keep going—that’s growth.

And that’s what recovery taught me:

Every moment is a moment you can begin again.

Don’t Wait. Begin.

There is no magical date on the calendar that will make everything easier. There’s just right now. And then the next now.

If you want the change, the dream, the life that feels just out of reach—go after it now. Not tomorrow. Not when things settle down. Now.

Because even if you fall, you’ll fall forward. You’ll fall into wisdom. You’ll fall into growth. And you’ll rise stronger each time.

You don’t need a new day to start, Slayer. You just need to decide.

SLAY Reflection

Ask yourself:

Do I wait for the “perfect time” to make a change?
How do I react when I slip or fall short?
What would it feel like to simply continue on instead of starting over?
Do I use setbacks as punishment?
What would it look like to honor my growth instead?

S – L – A – Y

S: Stop waiting for a better time.
L: Learn from every step, even the stumbles.
A: Allow yourself to keep going without starting over.
Y: Yield to the truth that your next moment can be your best one yet.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
Do you wait for the “right time” to begin? What would it look like to just begin now—no matter what today looks like?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s putting their life on pause waiting for the right time, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

H.O.W. – Honesty, Open-Mindedness, Willingness

Before walking this path, I constantly asked myself how.

How did I let things get this bad? How had I lost control of my life? How could I stop the pain?

What I didn’t realize was that the answer was in the question itself: H.O.W.—Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness.

It was right in front of me the whole time. I just wasn’t ready to see it.

The Missing Ingredient

Back then, I wasn’t practicing any of those things. I was stubborn. I wasn’t being honest about my part in my suffering. And I wasn’t willing to change.

I had to fall a lot further before I finally landed on my knees and asked for help. That pain—the kind I had a hand in creating—was the very thing that pushed me to take action. Once I committed to getting better, I was told I had to live by H.O.W.

To get rigorously honest. To stay open to new ways of doing things. To be willing to do the work.

It didn’t all come at once. Sometimes willingness was all I had—and that was enough to begin. Because willingness almost always leads to action, and action leads to change.

A Lifelong Practice

Today, I still check in with myself using H.O.W. I ask:

Am I being honest about where I am?
Am I open to the next right step?
Am I willing to take action even when it’s uncomfortable?

Because here’s the truth: we don’t graduate from this work. We stay in it. We grow from it. And we live better because of it.

You Already Have the Answer

No matter where you are on your journey, ask yourself: Are you living with H.O.W.?

Are you stuck somewhere because it feels comfortable—or because you think it’s where you deserve to be?

When you get honest about your answers, stay open to new perspectives, and become willing to act, you can change your entire life.

H.O.W. isn’t just a tool. It’s the roadmap.

You hold the key. SLAY on.