Freedom

Powerful Powerlessness

Sounds crazy right? The last thing I would ever admit to being was powerless over anything. I was strong, resilient, a warrior, I wasn’t powerless, I was….well, I was a mess. Don’t get me wrong, I had overcome a lot just on sheer willpower alone, but that only got me so far because it was only powered by stubbornness, the underlying truth was I felt like a piece of crap, and I was afraid you were going to find out that’s exactly what I was. When I was asked what I was powerless against the first time I thought, nothing, I am in control, well, clearly I was not or I wouldn’t have been on my knees asking for help years ago because my way had stopped working. So, it got me thinking. We are powerless over people, places, and things, we can not control them, we can try, heck knows I did, to the point of exhaustion, but at the end of the day people are going to do what they’re going to do, and life is going to, well roll on, in whichever direction it goes. This falls into acceptance again, but it’s also admitting that we have no power over those things, and once we do, we start to get our power back. See here’s how it works?

If we admit we don’t run the show what we are left with is the facts, and once we have the facts, we have power! We have the power to decide if this is the right situation, person, place for us to be, for us to thrive, for us to grow, be nurtured, challenged, and loved, and if it’s not, well, we probably shouldn’t be there. The more we ask ourselves these questions, and get the facts, then the more powerful we are.

Here’s another one, feelings aren’t facts. Now this can get tricky sometimes, because we “feel” like we should be with someone or somewhere, but, we now have to ask ourselves why, and what are the facts to back that up. It’s like we’re all detectives of our own lives, “just the facts Ma’am,” or Mister if the case may be, but we need to look at the facts, even if we don’t want to, and if we don’t, that’s usually an indication we are somewhere we shouldn’t be, our gut may be giving us a nudge. So, now that we are living in, or aiming to, our authentic selves we have to be careful where we go and what we do, we are precious cargo, we can’t just be throwing ourselves into situations like we used too! No, we deserve to be places and with people who appreciate who we are. Now that might mean that some people will fall away in your life, I’ve had to say goodbye to a few over the years, and it’s not easy, but, if those so-called friends or relationships aren’t supporting the authentic you, they need to go, and who knows, making the changes you are might inspire them to do the same. You’ll be amazed that when you start loving and respecting yourself how other people start to do the same, and if they don’t, well that’s a sign, and, a fact, they need to go. If those people are family, well, it’s not always easy to just say goodbye, but setting boundaries and limiting the types of interactions you’re having with them is step in the self love/authentic you direction. More on boundaries later, but, it’s about knowing the facts and making the best decisions for ourselves.

Someone who has been very instrumental in my road to recovery used to say to me, “when we know the facts we are safe because then you know what you are dealing with and can make the best decision for yourself,” but, at the beginning sometimes it was really scary to ask, it seemed easier to go back to my old ways and just assume or “hope” that things were the way I wanted them to be, or even worse, try to force it into being so, asking will probably not make you feel safe, but trust me, once you start doing it you will see that it is the only way we are safe.

It’s time to take our powerlessness over people, places, and things, and turn it into our power, our power to live authentically and live in the light.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What are you powerless over in your life? Who are the people, places, or things you don’t have all the facts on? What do you think will happen if you do? Is there something stopping you from find out the facts? Get the facts SLAYER, case closed.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

(Photo Credits: Photographer: Jay Bartlett Make-Up: Samantha Dellinger Jewelry: Hilliard Design)

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYERS! Let your freak flags fly today, be your authentic self, share your unique talents, it is when we are able to see through someone else’s eyes that our own world gets bigger.

SLAY on!

New blog goes up Friday morning!

State Of Slay Weird People

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  What weakness can you turn into a strength? SLAY on.

New blog goes up Tuesday morning!

State Of Slay Strenth

Outside Fixes For An Inside Job

Oh I tried a lot of things to make myself “feel better,” or worse, if I was in the mindset to torture myself, which would come around often, but I had always felt like there was something missing, a void, or black hole somewhere deep inside that made me different than everyone else, I always felt like something was missing. That, coupled with my need to control all things lead me down some dark roads. I just wanted to feel better, whole, perfect. I tried doing that with food, drink, sugar, shopping, moves to new cities, relationships, work, but nothing I did seemed to fill that hole, I was trying to solve an inside problem with outside things.

We all have our crutches, something we use to make ourselves feel better, or to forget, and sometimes it’s just nice to “get away” from the rumblings in our heads or that feeling of doom, but for me, as those rumblings got louder and the doom seemed overwhelming so did the crutches I was using to “get by,” I had stopped using them as a “crutch” and I was really using them as a way to live, and not actually fixing the problem.

The problem for me was not having an inner peace, not having self-love and acceptance, acceptance of myself and everything around me. It was hard for me to be quiet and just sit with my thoughts. In the past I had found that yoga had helped me and then I had stopped going for many years, never asking myself why. I would go to new studios, pick up the schedule, and never go to a class. It wasn’t until I made a conscious decision to work on myself that I realized why, I was afraid to sit quietly and listen to what my head was telling me. It was like all of my self-hatred, fears, and resentments had a microphone and a venue to scream at me. I had to learn, as I was healing, to sit in the uncomfortableness, to tell those thoughts and voices to shut up because they were lying to me, I had to replace them with positive affirmations, and at the very least, focus on my breath, I often would breath in and out saying to myself, “breath in the good shit, breath out the bad shit” and visual that, visually seeing white light coming in and the black coming out. It took time, and some days were better than others, and those voices can still pop up from time to time, usually if I am in H.A.L.T., Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, more on that later, but I know now to focus on the good and let the lies my head tells me pass, they always do.

For me, also, it was finding a way to ground myself spiritually, which is different for everyone. I found it’s a belief in something greater than myself looking out for me, I’ve had far too many examples in my life of something or someone stepping in when I could not or would not help myself, to not believe in something, even if it’s the universe around us, or a group of people in your life, you alone are not “God” or in control. When I was able to find something that worked for me, and connect with it, I was able to fill that void, and I no longer felt the need to try to fill it with the vices or crutches from my past because I was feeling fulfilled. I also found that giving back filled, and does fill, that void, which was my motivation for starting this blog, you have to give it back to keep it.

Today I make sure I do the things I need to do connect to my spirituality, whether sitting in silence, walking in nature, taking a yoga class, yes I’m back, or reading from books that help me to see things in the right perspective. It’s something that felt strange with at first, but the more I did it, the connected I felt, and do feel. Nothing we grab for on the outside will fix our inside, trust me, I tried. Today I want to be present and aware of my feelings, not hide from them, hiding from them nearly cost me my life, I won’t ever give them that much power over me again.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What does spirituality mean to you? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable? If so, why? If you could create someone or something that is looking over you, what attributes would they have? Why can’t you believe that is or what is looking over you today?

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYERS!

When we love ourselves we exude love, we are able to share our love with others, love is all around us, and the love we share starts a ripple effect of love that touches everyone, even those we don’t know or have actually met.

I had someone come up to me years ago at a support group I attended weekly. This man walked up to me and said, “I want to say thank you.” I couldn’t remember ever really seeing this man before, it was a big group, and I knew we had never been introduced. I asked him “for what?”  He told he wanted to thank me for always being there. That for the first few months of coming there, the group, and me in particular, were the only consistent things in his life. Everything in his life was unpredictable and unstable, but that he knew if he made it there I would be here and that I would share your truth, and that gave him hope that everything was going to be alright.

It was a reminder how we affect everyone around us, even those we don’t know. Without even knowing, when we’re living as our authentic selves and giving out the love we have and want for ourselves, we can change someone’s day or life, without even knowing it.

New blog goes up Friday morning, until then….SLAY on!

State Of Slay Not Alone

Slaying Live Next Week

I’m going LIVE! That’s right SLAYERS, the second Wednesday of each month I’m going to go live and video chat with all you SLAYERS and talk all things SLAY!

You have been so inspiring and courageous in sharing your stories and struggles here on the blog and on social media, I want to open up the floor, or the web as it were, to take your questions and to talk about what the topics you want to talk about.

More details to follow on how to watch and participate so make sure you subscribe and follow so you don’t forget to join us for an hour of live SLAYER talk at 5:50pm PT / 8:30pm ET Wednesday June 14th.

To follow State Of Slay click on the menu button at the top right of the screen, pop your email address in, and you won’t miss a thing.

Until then SLAYERS….SLAY on!

The ‘P’ Word

Patience. Ugh, I used to hate that word, still do sometimes, but I’ve gotten better about it. It used to be like hearing nails on a chalkboard when someone would say “be patient,” I’d want to smack them. It seemed that I had spent my whole life being patient for one thing or another, but what I had really been doing is trying to force my will on all of the people, places and things in my life. Nothing patient about that, that took a lot of energy, and typically a very aggravating result, things quite often didn’t go the way I would have had them go.

Patience is hard, especially when you feel that you’ve lived your life as an unauthentic version of you, if you feel like you’ve never had a voice, or mattered. For me, that was the root of the problem, finding value in myself, and learning that yes, it was OK to have goals, hopes and dreams, yes, that is encouraged, but what my job was was to do the footwork, the steps that I could take to take me closer to where or what I want, and then let it go. Yeah, I said let it go! Sounds scary right? It did for me at first, I was so used to keeping everything so tightly wound that the thought of stepping back seemed like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute, it didn’t feel safe. What was pointed out to me is that I only had the illusion of feeling safe because that’s what I had become accustomed to doing, trying to force a favorable outcome for myself. Growing up I felt like my world was unstable, unpredictable and unsure, so as a defense for that I started to control every aspect of my life that I could, and even try to control what I couldn’t control, which always added to my frustration, but not trying to control everything seemed too scary.  I continued to do that well into my adulthood because that was what I knew, and thought was working for me, but it wasn’t, it just brought me more pain, heartache and disappointment, but it also gave me validation when things didn’t go my way that I didn’t deserve good things because I wasn’t a good person, a self fulfilling prophecy. As I set out on my journey of self-love and acceptance I was better able to “take my hands off the wheel” as it where and let things happen as they would. I also now have a stronger connection spiritually than I did before, which has helped me to step back and let things unfold. Also after finding forgiveness in myself I was better able to find compassion in others, even people I never thought I could, because I could see how they also struggled with certain things, maybe some of the same things I did, so finding compassion in others also helped me to find patience when it came to certain people in my life.

There are a lot of layers to all of this, and we’ll get to them as we go, but hopefully the door to patience will open just a crack.

I now look at patience as a huge victory for me, and I look at it as something that takes the load solely off my shoulders, I look at it as a positive thing, I can do the work and then move on to something else and let it unfold as it will, if more work needs to be done I can get back to it and then let it go again. This alleviates so much stress and exhaustion in my day, and frees me up to concentrate on other positive things.

Patience, not a swear word anymore.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What in your life tests your patience? Why are you not able to let go? What do you think will happen if you do? Is there someone in your life who tests your patience? Why? Is it possible that what bothers you about them is something you don’t like about yourself? Be honest. How are you doing with your own forgiveness? What, if anything, is holding you back? Love yourself today SLAYER, we all do.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Happy Saturday SLAYER! New blog goes up Sunday morning, until then, show yourself love and grace today on your journey, be patient, it takes time to fill the SLAYER chest with new tools. SLAY on!

State Of Slay Forgive Yourself

 

Forgiveness: First Steps To Freedom

I know what you’re thinking, screw ’em, all those jerks who hurt me, burned me, betrayed me, I know, I have a long list as well, and we’ll get those people, but what I want to talk about today, and what is most important on your journey to SLAYDOM, is finding forgiveness in yourself. Yeah, you! When I finally had the courage to sit down and talk to someone about the circumstances that finally brought me to my knees, I was asked to write down a list of people who had harmed me, finally I thought, let me show you why I’m here, let me know show you all the horrible people and the horrible things that were done to me to get me to this place, and I feverishly wrote that list. What was asked of me when I was done was, did you write your own name on your list?

My own name?! What? Yes my own name, because I had harmed myself the most, and I believed I deserved it, that I didn’t deserve to have good things and good people in my life because I was a bad person, I was weird, I was different, awkward. I was told in order to heal I needed to first forgive myself. That was a blow. How the hell would I do that?

This was a place in my life, my journey, when I romanticized taking my own life, when my self worth was less than zero, and all of the lies and manipulations and shitty things I had done to move through life without you asking me too many questions or letting you get too close, had caught up to me. I thought I was lower than low, the scum of the earth. I physically could not look at myself in the mirror and say “I love you,” it’s not that I wouldn’t, I could not, trust me, I tried, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I brushed my teeth looking down into the sink. So, to now be asked to find it in myself to forgive myself, I thought it was impossible. Thankfully it was not.

No matter what we’ve done, or think we’ve done, it can be forgiven. What I learned is, I had to allow room for myself to be human, to be flawed, to learn, I couldn’t expect myself to know things I was never taught, and that I could now make a commitment to learn, to be the person I wanted to be, to hit the reset button and start again. But hitting reset didn’t mean forgetting the past, it meant taking full responsibility for it and learning to do it better. When I was able to look at myself from that perspective I was able to start forgiving myself. It goes back to those tools in our toolbox, if we don’t have the tools we need, we use the ones we have, so we can’t fault ourselves for not using tools that aren’t there. Our job now is to find and use those new tools so we can do it better, and that takes time, and patience, a blog for another day. But if we’re able to acknowledge the places where we’re lacking the tools to do it right, we can start forgiving ourselves for doing it wrong, and forgiveness is the first step to freedom. It may seem really scary, and it is, but that’s exactly where we want to be, because where it feels safe got us here, it’s time to do things differently.

We are always hardest on ourselves, but what if we stopped that, and started to love and nurture ourselves? Acknowledge our flaws and work to fix them, or find a better way, to maybe do the opposite of what our nature tells us to do because it’s what we’ve always done, or what those around us have done. Who do we want to be in the world, our communities, our families and relationships? We can be those people, we just have to work on it, and, start by forgiving ourselves for those things we think are unforgivable.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What’s stopping you for forgiving yourself? What do you think makes you unforgivable? What do you think you can do to start to forgive yourself so you can move forward from here? Building on the blog before, write a fresh gratitude list with five things you LOVE about yourself. Read it out loud before bed and in the morning when you get up. Don’t forget to smile SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you