fix

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Each of us is responsible to fix ourselves, don’t apply for a job you are not qualified for.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Cut Yourself

Other People Are Not Your Problem To Solve

We can sometimes get caught up in wanting to fix people. But, people are not our problems to fix. Each of us is responsible for ourselves, and when we meddle in someone else’s life, or try to school them on what they should be doing, we’re not only doing ourselves a disservice, but also them as well, as it’s their responsibility to find their own journey on their own path. It is also usually an indicator that we’re trying to avoid something in our own lives by focusing on someone else’s. It’s always much easier to tell someone else what to do rather than take action on those things in our lives that we should be working on our changing. And, when we’re in avoidance, looking for other people to fix becomes easy as we tend to look for the things that we dislike about ourselves in those around us.

No one has the right to tell us how to live our own lives, or to point out the things they think are wrong with the way we’re living, and, that goes for us too, if someone asks for an opinion, sure, go ahead and give it, but if we’re not asked, we must assume our opinion is not welcome and we need to keep it to ourselves. There are some of us too, who like to fancy ourselves as teachers, but typically what’s really going on there is that we’re feeling less than, or know we’re not doing all we can for our own growth and betterment and are deflecting our energies to someone else we think we can ‘help.’ Any time we think we’re better than someone else, or know better, we’re living from a place of ego, that ego may be covering up our insecurities, but we’re not living in a place in line with the universe, and, ourselves. So when we find those urges come up to school someone we should sit ourselves down and look at our own behavior before trying to teach someone else.

When I was living in my disease I often thought I knew better than most of the people around me. And, I often shared my opinion, especially if it wasn’t asked for, because I thought I was doing them a favor. Meanwhile, my own life was a total train wreck, and, was still barreling down the tracks collecting more and more collateral damage. But, to talk to me, I had it all together, and I knew just how you could too. What a hypocrite. On the flip-side, if someone did see through my bravado, I certainly didn’t welcome their opinion on my life. I would be offended and tell any unsuspecting do-gooder that they didn’t know what they were talking about and they should mind their own business, so why did I think it was OK to do just that to someone else? Well, again, I was sick, and in full denial about how sick I really was, so if I could get the spotlight off of me, I would do that at any cost. When I finally had to take a look at my own life, I realized that those things I used to say that others should do was exactly what I needed to do to live a healthy and productive life, and so I had to put my ego aside and get to work.

Today, I don’t look for people to fix, that’s their job, but what I can do is encourage them as they do make changes, support them as they take changes they never have, and love them even when they fall, in fact, especially as they fall because I know they are trying, as I do every day, and I know that those people in my day-to-day life offer me the same, and we all can lift each other up as we grow and learn and focus on making our lives the exciting adventure we deserve, and worked for. Let everyone have their own experience, give them that honor, and do the same for yourself.  Allow yourself to make mistakes and have the courage to do the work you need to to become someone you are proud of today, and someone who feels good in the place they stand in.  You can SLAYER, just keep that spotlight on yourself, and let everybody else shine theirs on them, so together, you can help each other shine.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you in the past fallen into the trap of trying to fix other people? What was the result? How did this help you? How did this hurt you? Were you able to “fix” them? What did you see in them that needed fixing? Is that, or are those the things that need fixing in your own life? Do people in your life try to fix you? If yes, how does that feel? Do you welcome that? If not, why not? How does that make you feel? So, knowing how that makes you feel, why do you try to do it to others? Do you find that you go looking for people to fix when you’re not feeling good about yourself? Do you see a pattern in your behavior? How can you change that pattern SLAYER? What can you do this week to turn that spotlight on you and make some changes in your own life that will help you grow? Take action SLAYER, and take back your power to make some good changes for you. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You Addicted To Control?

Before stepping on this path I was very addicted to control. Control to me felt like safety. When my world felt unsure, when I didn’t know what was around the next corner, or when I felt like people were watching me, wanting me to fail, I tried to control everything I could, even things I couldn’t. I was always tightly wound, trying to keep things together, and trying to make things happen the way I wanted to. It exhausted me. It also frustrated me, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t control everything, no one can.

That need to control became like a drug. It was something I chased. And when I was able to control something I got a shot, or hit, that gave me a high, and then I was off for the next fix. And when I couldn’t control something the feeling and realization of that always hit me hard, and the bullshit committee in my head would get loud telling me I wasn’t good enough and was a failure. And as my life continued to spin out of control that need for control grew inside of me, like a rope I was desperately trying to hang onto but was slipping out of my hands. Control, for me, was a way to counteract my fear, so when I was told I had to let go to save my life, I was terrified.

Letting go of my need for control didn’t come easy, and sometimes I still catch myself trying to control things, not nearly like I did before, but, there is still a part of me that reaches for that when I feel like my world is, well, out of control. My disease will also disguise it as other things, like food, shopping, relationships, so I don’t notice it at first, but it all comes from the same place, fear. We, as human beings, can’t control everything, it’s impossible, so living a life hellbent on control is only going to drive you into the ground. For me, it’s where my disease wanted me, because it could then keep fuel on the fire that I was a failure, it was a place I was most vulnerable, and the endless need for control kept me so busy I couldn’t see what was truly happening and why. Once I made an effort to stop it, with the help of a counselor, support groups, and others like me who were on the same path, that is when I finally saw the truth in what I had been doing, and how I had been living my life. Coming to terms with why was a hard pill to swallow, but knowing the why helped me to stop the behavior. As I always say, what is the root of the problem? It is finding the answer there, that allows you to get better.

Today I no longer try to control, in fact today when I was thinking about an opportunity I would like, I immediately heard myself say to myself, you’ve done the footwork, now let it go. And that is how I live my life today. I do the work towards a goal or opportunity, I ask myself if there is anything else I can or should do, and if the answer is no, I let it go. That is the place I live in today, that is the place I have to live in today to live a healthy and happy life. And trust me, it is a much easier place to live, and much less exhausting. No matter how hard you try, you don’t have the power to control life so stop trying, control what you can, accept what you can’t, and focus on what you can change to be your best you. That you can control.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you obsess about things? Do you try to control things in your life? What do you try to control? Why? Are you able to control it? How does trying to control things benefit you? How does it harm you? Write down all the things you try to control. Write down a Y or N if you are able to control those things. Count how many Y’s and N’s you have. Which have more? Do you feel that if you don’t try to control something that something bad will happen? It won’t SLAYER. All you can do is the work that’s in front of you, do the work, trust that you’ve done what you can, and let the results go, you have no control over what the results will be, so stop trying to control something you can’t. Let go, live your life, and set yourself free, you may just get more of what you want by learning to control you need for control. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Rebounding From Regret

It’s rare today that I regret things. When things don’t go my way, or something negative happens based on choices, or I decision I made, I now, typically look at that as learning. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting anymore, it still does, but I look back to see where I could have done something differently, or made a better choice. That type of thinking keeps me out of regret and back into action because it’s in action where positive changes, or better choices, are made.

I wasn’t always thinking that way, in fact, for most of my life I was full of regret, and full of anger about past events. I was angry at others, blaming them for the outcomes, or I was blaming myself and beating myself up further, telling myself I was a piece of crap because I messed up again. That vicious cycle kept me in the darkness, and propelled me even further down.

Regret, really, is useless. We can’t change the past, we can’t go back and change what we did, so why do we spend so much time regretting the choices we made when we can’t do anything about them? What we can do is make better choices moving forward. To learn from our past and use that to help us in our present day. There may be things that we can fix, or make better from our past, and with the knowledge of what we had done, we can use that to possibly amend or make repairs on the things that didn’t go well, or we misunderstood, that, is truly the only way we can change the past, by taking positive action today. Again, it goes back to perspective. We can take a seemingly negative situation and make it positive by learning from it, or fixing what we can with the knowledge we now have. When we think of things that way, we don’t really have anything to regret. Now, there are things that we can’t go back and change, or make better, the opportunity may have past and there is no going back, I’ve had many of those, but again, it’s about learning from those experiences, and, forgiving yourself for not having the knowledge, or courage, or experience in that moment to do the right, or best thing. We can’t look back at who we were and expect ourselves to have been who we are today. We have to acknowledge that we are on a path of self-discovery, and that we typically learn the most when things go wrong, or possibly hurt, because we pay more attention to those things, so the reason it may have happened in the first place is a positive reason, to get us to change. There are no coincidences or accidents, I’ve said this before, even accidents aren’t really accidents, they may not have been what we had intended or wanted but there is a reason for everything, and sometimes it’s not your reason, but the other people, or person involved, but, usually there is something we can all take away from each experience, good, or bad, it’s just how we choose to look at those experiences that sets us a part.

I had an experience yesterday that I was really disappointed in. It was something that I may have been able to control somewhat, but it had a lot to do with me not feeling well and I wasn’t as sharp as I usually am. I was upset. And I found myself, for a brief moment, starting to get down on myself, and then I stopped and got into possible solutions. As a result, I was able to come up with one. Now, that is growth and learning. Instead of getting angry at myself and regretting all of my actions leading up to that moment, blaming them for the place I was now finding myself in, I started to look for other options. As a result I stayed out of self-hatred and self-pity and stayed in the self-love.

Regrets don’t move us forward, only back, they keep us shielded from the present and what we can do to make things right, or better for ourselves, they keep us from learning, from growing, they pull us back into the shadows when we need to stay in the light. Let go of past regrets, learn from them, use them to build a better you, and one day you may find that have nothing to regret, what do you think about that?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to regret things from your past and hang on to them? Why do you think you do that? How does it benefit you? How does it hurt you? What can you learn from those things you regret? What can you do differently for next time? Are there ways you can now improve or better those situations you regret today? If so, what are they? Stay in action SLAYER, always focus on what you can do to make a situation or experience better, and if there is nothing, looking at you part and what lesson you can take away from those times to give you some positive actions to take the next time. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Explosion In Reverse

I was with a group of people the other day and someone said, “watching you get better was like watching an explosion in reverse.” It made me laugh, but then when I thought about it, it was the perfect analogy. I myself had certainly imploded years ago, and even after the implosion I still went on for years before seeking help.  It’s like all of the good parts of me, my heart, my soul, had blown away in an explosion and yet I kept on going, an empty vessel propelling itself forward, until it just couldn’t anymore. All of my pieces had blown away and there was nothing left but a shell. Imagining myself, and all those pieces coming back to together is a beautiful image. I like to think they came back in a different order, or arrangement then they weren’t in before, and, perhaps, picked up some new ones, better ones, along the way. But that statement got me thinking about what happens to us as we break down, as we lose parts of ourselves as we slowly, or with one big bang, explode from the inside out.

I’ve talked a lot about feeling empty and hollow, and that I’ve seen pictures of myself from that period of time in my life and have not recognized the person in the picture as me. Not only were all the good pieces gone, but my light had completely gone out, just leaving the darkness, and a deadness in my eyes. The first time it happened it scared me, it scared me to look at that woman and know that had been me, that woman looked like the walking dead, and the part of her that was still walking was wishing she was dead. I tell you this because that’s how far down I had fallen, I had reached a place where there wasn’t much left, and there wasn’t much to lose, but even when you’ve fallen that far down I can tell you, you can still climb back up, and, find those pieces you lost again.

I think about an actual explosion, that there is that moment where something ignites and boom! So when I think about an explosion in reverse, of ourselves, coming back to together, I think there is a boom and eventually, and ignition, that is when our light comes back on, when all those pieces we’ve lost come hurling back together, boom! There we are. It can be hard to muster the energy needed to pull off an explosion in reverse, I know for me, there were many days I didn’t think I had it in me, but I would rally my energy, and I would surround myself with others who had done it, or where doing it, so when I felt I couldn’t do it I used their energy, their light, to gather strength, to find the light within them to light my path until I had enough of my own to create my own explosion, the one that put me back to together.

I never want to forget that woman with dead eyes, that woman who stares back at me sometimes from old photographs, as hard as it is sometimes to look at her, I never want to forget her pain because if I do, and I forget that she still lives inside of me, I may forget why I work as hard as I do to keep her safe, to keep me safe from an explosion that could blow all my pieces away again.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think about yourself, do you feel like there are pieces of you that you’ve lost? What parts? How do you think you lost them? How can you get them back? Do you see a moment, or a time in your life, that you feel like you blew apart? What has been the result of that? What parts have you managed to recover? What are you still looking for? Find those parts SLAYER. For me it took different things, a lot of support from others, it took counseling, a lot of journaling, sharing my story with others, allowing others in, letting them love and support me, and learning to love myself. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen, a beautiful explosion in reverse. Let yourself go boom SLAYER, and come back to together.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you