excuse

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Repeat after me: I release the need for old habits in my life!

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

state-of-slay Repeat

Repeating Old Behaviors

We know we’re doing it, we know we shouldn’t be doing it, and yet we do it, repeating old behaviors that no longer suit us, and maybe never did, but they were what we knew, or what we were taught, or, what we used to get by when we didn’t know or have the courage to do something better. They can feel, sometimes, like getting into our favorite pair of jeans, or a comfy sweater, but, that moment fades when we catch ourselves doing it, or someone else does. There are times too where we don’t even realize that we’re doing it, those old behaviors have become so ingrained in how we operate that we seamlessly dive in without a thought or the awareness that we’ve pulled ourselves back on our path. All of that is OK, no one is perfect, or gets it right all of the time, but what we need to do to move forward and release ourselves of those old behaviors that hold us back is to recognize and acknowledge them, and not just when we get caught.

Before stepping on this path most of what I did I did without much thought, and, if some thought went into it it was focused on justifying my bad behavior. I reacted quickly or dove in doing what I had always done. I didn’t realize that most of what I was doing was actually harming myself and my chances of living the life I wanted. In fact, by participating in my bad behavior I was preventing myself from ever making things better for myself and my thoughts and actions were actually causing me to slide down deeper into a place that I almost didn’t get out of. When I finally realized what I was doing I had to get honest and I had to call myself out and identify all of that bad behavior.

Change isn’t always easy, especially when what we do and say is ingrained in us from an early age, or we’ve convinced ourselves we have found the best way to navigate through life. For me, I could no longer deny my actions when I found myself emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. There was no lower bottom, except death. So, when I set out on this journey of recovery and I resisted letting go of old behavior, I had to remind myself of how bad it had gotten doing it my own way, and if I was to get any better I had to let go of those old behaviors and replace them with healthier ones. They say, practice makes perfect, I haven’t found that to be true, but practice does make it easier, and it’s OK if I’m not perfect as long as I am doing my best in the moment. You see perfection used to be what I strived for, and never feeling I was able to achieve it I labeled myself a loser, which gave me permission to act out in ways that harmed myself, my relationships and my chances of learning and growing from the place I was. But to get better I had to let go of my perfectionism and embrace the idea that I was going to make mistakes and fall back on old behavior, but that wasn’t an excuse to throw out all the progress I had made and allow myself to engage in that old behavior. Making mistakes was part of the process of growth and if I was able to use it as that, I would do just that, grow from there.

We all have things we like to do even when we know it’s not the best choice for us, but indulging in that old behavior doesn’t move us forward, it doesn’t help us make better and stronger choices and it holds back from being our best selves. Acknowledge when you are repeating old behaviors and set yourself on the right path for success. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you recognize behaviors from your past that you still practice today that may not be the best for you? What are they? When do you notice them come up? What do you tell yourself to let yourself engage in that behavior? Or, do you not realize you are doing it until later, or not at all? What behavior stands in your way to being who you want to be, or know you can be? What can you do to change that? It’s OK to make mistakes and fall back on your old ways, but work to make better choices and soon you may find that many of those old behaviors don’t feel so comfortable anymore.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Blame A Clown For Acting Like A Clown If You Keep Going To The Circus

I’ve been there. I mean, clowns are one thing—but for me, the pattern showed up in the people I kept allowing back into my life.

Before I began walking this healing path, I lived with a lot of magical thinking. I believed that if I hoped hard enough, people or situations would just… change. And each time they didn’t, I was left hurt, disappointed, and confused. Still, I’d go back—again and again—expecting a different outcome.

For a while, I told myself it was about giving people the benefit of the doubt. But if I’m being honest, some of it was rooted in a narrative I was used to telling: that I couldn’t trust people, that others would always let me down, that I was the victim. A lot of it, though, was simply expecting someone to show up differently than they ever had before—despite all the evidence to the contrary.

When We Hope Instead of Accept

Even after I started healing, I still found myself getting hurt in these same dynamics. The difference was, I had more awareness. I knew I couldn’t expect people to be who I wanted them to be. But because I was changing, because I was growing and showing up differently, I’d start to think—maybe they are too.

Spoiler: They weren’t.

At least not in the way I hoped. They were still who they had always been. And I was still getting hurt.

People show us who they are. We’re the ones who often refuse to believe them. We soften the truth, sugarcoat their behavior, make excuses. But deep down, we know what’s real. We just don’t always want to accept it.

Expecting Different From What’s Always Been

We can’t expect different from someone who’s always shown us the same. Yes, people can change—I have changed—but we can’t expect it. We can share how something made us feel. We can suggest a different way of communicating. But at the end of the day, some people will always return to their default patterns. And that may not change—no matter how much we grow.

The only thing we can control is us:

  • Our boundaries
  • Our expectations
  • Our willingness to engage

We can’t keep going back to the same well and be surprised when it’s still empty. Eventually, it’s not about them. It’s about why we keep going back.

Lead by Example—And Accept What Is

The most powerful way to inspire change is by living it.

When we shift how we communicate, how we hold boundaries, how we show up—we naturally invite others to do the same. But even then, they may not follow. And we have to be okay with that.

Because we’re only responsible for our own energy. We can’t change someone else. We can only change how we engage with them—or choose not to.

This lesson didn’t sink in for me right away. I returned to the same dynamics more than once, hoping this time it would be different. Hoping the same people would finally see me, show up for me, offer something they’d never offered before.

And each time, I left disappointed.

Eventually, the mirror flipped. The problem wasn’t just them—it was me continuing to hope for something that had never been there.

The Truth Isn’t Always Harsh—But It Is Honest

It’s not always easy to accept the truth about someone, especially if that truth means letting go of what we wish they could be.

Accepting someone for who they are doesn’t mean you hate them. It doesn’t even mean they’re a bad person. It just means they aren’t capable of offering you what you need.

And that might mean setting boundaries. It might mean pulling back. Or it might mean walking away entirely.

The truth is: you can’t blame the clown for acting like a clown if you keep showing up at the circus.
You have the power to exit the tent.

Take people for who they are—not who you hope they’ll become—and honor yourself by accepting that truth.

SLAY Reflection: Your Turn to Get Honest

Take a moment to reflect with these questions:

  1. Do you find yourself going back to the same people, expecting different results?
  2. Is there someone in your life you’re still hoping will change, despite a long pattern of behavior?
  3. What are you really seeking from them—support, love, validation? Have they ever truly given it?
  4. What boundaries could you set to protect your peace, even if they don’t change?
  5. What would it look like to stop hoping—and start accepting?

    Call to Action: Join the Conversation

    I’d love to hear from you.
    What’s one situation or relationship you’ve kept returning to, hoping it would change—and what finally helped you step away?
    Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

    And if you know someone who’s stuck in a cycle of disappointment, send this to them.
    Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.