destructive

It’s Not The Pain That Helps Us Grow, It’s Our Response To It

Before stepping on this path I walked through a lot of pain, not always gracefully, in fact, often not gracefully, but more like the Tasmanian Devil spinning out of control, taking down anything and everything I could in my path. I would tell myself, as would those around me, that the pain was making me stronger. The truth was, that I was the source of most of that pain, which to me, is a sign that were was a weakness in my strength of character, a sign that I didn’t love myself and that my spirit was dim, that light that burns bright inside of me today, back then, was weak. The pain I wasn’t causing myself, that was the pain I could use to grow, because it wasn’t about what that pain was, or who or what caused it, it was about how I responded to it.

We always have a choice how we react or respond to things in our life, even pain. We can choose to let it go, to let it fester inside of us and grow, or learn from it and move forward with the new knowledge of what was learned. That third option is the real growth one, but for many of us, just letting it go let’s us grow as well.

I’ve talked a lot here at State Of Slay™ about getting the facts, and that when we have the facts we are safe. And in gathering the facts we need to do so from a place of honesty, of really just looking at things as they are, not as we’d like them to be or how we feel about them, it’s then and only then that we can use them to grow. It’s inevitable that we are going to get hurt, it happens, whether intentional or not, but it’s what we do with that pain that separates us, that gives us the knowledge and strength to move forward so we don’t get hurt again, or at least not in the exact same way. That belief that the pain itself is what builds us strength is part of our old story, that narrative we used to tell ourselves so we could keep hurting ourselves or engage with people who would do it for us. It’s our choices after the fact that our strength comes from, and the more we make the right decisions, the more strength is built, and, the easier it becomes to do the right thing the next time we’re hurt, because when we’re living in a place of honesty and self-love only doing the right thing feels good, and when we’re working so hard to feel good and to feel love, why would we want to tear that down with our old destructive behavior? Well, some of us do because we may not believe we deserve it, but we do deserve to feel good, we do deserve love, all of us, so why not try to learn what you can from your pain instead of just reacting to it, or using it to gain sympathy, use it to help you grow, use it to let your light shine brighter, use it be a better you.

You may up until now never thought about how you react to the pain in your life. I encourage you to look at the facts next time you feel pain, look at the source, the circumstances, without clouding them with feelings or old stories from your past, just look at what the truth is, once you have that you can decide on what the best course of action is, one that will help you grow, learn and let you be your best you as you continue to travel on this road of self-discovery and self-love. Give yourself the gift of investigation into your pain, and find out the true source, so you can turn those negative moments in your life into possibly the greatest gifts you could have been given, the gift of growth, of learning and of the information you may need to filter out what in life is causing you the most pain. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What do you think is the cause of most of your pain? How much control do you have over that pain? How much of it are you letting in? How much of it are you creating? How much could be avoided by not engaging with certain people in your life? When you do feel pain, how do you typically react? Is this reaction serving you? How does it hurt you? When you feel pain SLAYER, find out the source, the true source, ask yourself why it’s happening, what you could have done to have avoided it, if you let it in, and why, and what can you learn from it so you can move on and let it go. We hold the key to our own happiness, and we have the power to turn our pain into growth, it’s all in how you respond to it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Breaking The Cycle

Just because it’s the way you’ve been taught, or it’s the way it’s always been done, doesn’t mean you can’t break the cycle. Most of the time we are taught a way to do things, or a set of rules are put in place, as children, how of to navigate our way through life, whether these things are specifically taught to us or we’ve picked them up from those around us, typically they are passed down from generation to generation as to what is acceptable behavior. As children we don’t realize that those older than us are just passing down, or showing us by example, what was passed down to them. We accept these practices or examples as the truth, as the best way to behave, or communicate, or way to have relationships. Sometimes these examples, or the perceptions we have gotten, are not healthy and we carry them with us into adulthood thinking that’s the way it should be, doomed to pass them down to our children or a younger generation to continue the cycle. But we have a choice to stop that pattern.

When we find ourselves unhappy, or in relationships that don’t satisfy us, or disrespect us, we have the power to change that. As adults, we get to decide how we move about this world and how and what is acceptable behavior from those around us. For me, I was a sensitive child, but I kept everything bottled up, never expressing how I truly felt, and then in my teens, looking to find that voice, I would act out, finding a voice that I thought expressed the real me, but with a dash, or two, of rebellion thrown in. As I grew into adulthood that voice got quiet again, and I began to stuff down my feelings and found ways to numb my thoughts, just wanting to get by without too many questions. In all of those scenarios my true voice was never heard, there may have been traces of it in among my ramblings, but I was trying to make sense of what I was seeing and hearing without ever having a true conversation about it. Consequently many of my relationships suffered, as did I.

We get to decide who we are and how we conduct ourselves today, and if something isn’t working, we have the power to change that, to make things work for us, to ask those in our lives to honor who we are and to interact with us in a way that is in line with that, we also have the power to not engage with those who like to provoke us, who may tear us down, or who may take advantage us. It’s that destructive behavior, ours, and how we respond to others, we can change. And even thought it may be the way it’s been done for generations and generations, in no way did you sign a contract to say you would continue that bad behavior, you can stop it at any time. I know for myself, when I found a better way, a way that was in line with my path in the light I was able to practice making better choices for myself, and when I began to do that a weight was lifted off of me, I stood taller, I began to have pride in who I was, and I learned to find my own voice. For me, that came as a result of therapy, surrounding myself with like-minded people, and, a lot of practice, and soon that new way began to feel less foreign and so good that the old way didn’t seem appealing anymore. My relationships got stronger, I made better decisions about who I let in my life, and I used my voice to share my true self. I broke the cycle. And so can you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ever ask yourself why you do the things you do, or do you just continue to do them because that’s what you’ve been taught? What behaviors or relationships do you engage in that don’t make you feel good, or don’t honor who you are working to be? Why do you continue to do what you’ve always done when you’re working to be your authentic self and those old behaviors don’t honor that? What can you do to change those behaviors or relationships? Make sure that you are not just following the cycle or path of those who came before you, if something doesn’t feel right then it might not be right for you, if a relationship always results in the same frustrating destination, how can you change to make it a healthier relationship for you? We don’t owe anyone anything except to be our authentic selves, so if you keep finding yourself in a place that doesn’t honor you, use your power to change it. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you