destructive

It’s Not The Pain That Helps Us Grow, It’s Our Response To It

Before I stepped onto this path, I walked through a lot of pain.

Not gracefully.
Not reflectively.
More like a storm spinning out of control—reactive, destructive, and exhausting.

I told myself, and was often told by others, that the pain was making me stronger. That suffering was proof of growth. That endurance alone was somehow building character.

But looking back, I can see the truth much more clearly now:

The pain wasn’t strengthening me.
My response to it was weakening me.

And in many cases, I was the source of my own pain.

That realization wasn’t comfortable—but it was freeing. Because it showed me that growth was never about how much pain I endured. It was about what I did after the pain showed up.

Pain Is Inevitable Suffering Is Optional

Pain is part of being human.

We get hurt.
We get disappointed.
We get blindsided—sometimes by others, sometimes by life itself.

But pain alone doesn’t create growth.

Pain without awareness creates repetition.
Pain without reflection creates cycles.
Pain without honesty keeps us stuck.

What determines growth isn’t the pain itself—it’s whether we react from old wounds or respond with clarity.

And there is always a choice.

Reaction Keeps Us Stuck Response Moves Us Forward

There’s a difference between reacting and responding.

Reaction is impulsive.
It’s emotional.
It’s driven by fear, old stories, and survival patterns.

Response is intentional.
It’s grounded.
It’s guided by truth instead of triggers.

When I reacted to pain, I made choices that caused more pain—burning bridges, sabotaging myself, repeating patterns I swore I wanted to escape.

When pain wasn’t self-inflicted, that was where growth became possible—if I was willing to respond instead of explode.

The Myth That Pain Builds Strength

One of the most damaging stories we tell ourselves is that pain itself makes us stronger.

That belief often keeps us tolerating what we shouldn’t.
It keeps us in harmful relationships.
It keeps us justifying self-destructive behavior.

Pain doesn’t build strength.

Choices build strength.

The strength comes from what you learn.
From what you release.
From what you decide not to repeat.

The old narrative—that suffering proves worth or resilience—often keeps us returning to the same sources of harm, believing it’s “part of the process.”

It isn’t.

Getting the Facts Is How We Grow Safely

One of the core truths I return to again and again is this:
When we have the facts, we are safe.

Not the feelings.
Not the assumptions.
Not the stories shaped by past wounds.

The facts.

Looking at pain honestly—without embellishment, blame, or denial—allows us to understand its source. And once we understand the source, we gain power.

Power to choose differently.
Power to set boundaries.
Power to walk away instead of reenacting.

Pain becomes useful only when it’s investigated.

We Always Have More Control Than We Think

Here’s the part that changes everything:

We don’t control whether pain shows up—but we do control how much we let it stay.

We can:

  • Let it fester

  • Turn it into resentment

  • Use it for sympathy

  • Or learn from it and release it

Sometimes simply letting pain go is growth.

Not every wound needs a deep dive. Some lessons are learned by choosing not to engage again.

And when you’re living from self-love and honesty, destructive reactions stop feeling good. Self-sabotage loses its appeal.

Because why tear down something you’re finally learning to build?

Pain Is a Teacher Not a Home

Pain is meant to inform you—not define you.

It shows you where boundaries are needed.
It highlights what isn’t aligned.
It reveals patterns asking to be broken.

But pain is not meant to be lived in.

When you respond with curiosity instead of chaos, pain becomes data. And data leads to discernment. And discernment leads to peace.

That’s growth.

Turning Pain Into a Gift

You may have never paused to ask yourself how you typically respond to pain.

So the next time it shows up, try this:

Strip away the story.
Remove the emotional overlay.
Look at the facts.

What actually happened?
What role did you play?
What part was within your control?
What can you learn?

When you do this, pain stops being something that happens to you—and becomes something that works for you.

The greatest gift pain can offer is information.

And information, used wisely, changes everything.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: What do you believe is the main source of pain in your life right now?
L: How much of that pain are you creating, allowing, or repeatedly engaging with?
A: When pain shows up, do you tend to react or respond—and how is that serving you?
Y: What could change if you chose to learn from pain instead of letting it control you?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
How has your response to pain shaped your growth—or where do you feel called to respond differently now?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck believing pain itself is the path, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Breaking The Cycle

Just because it’s the way you’ve been taught, or it’s the way it’s always been done, doesn’t mean you can’t break the cycle. Most of the time we are taught a way to do things, or a set of rules are put in place, as children, how of to navigate our way through life, whether these things are specifically taught to us or we’ve picked them up from those around us, typically they are passed down from generation to generation as to what is acceptable behavior. As children we don’t realize that those older than us are just passing down, or showing us by example, what was passed down to them. We accept these practices or examples as the truth, as the best way to behave, or communicate, or way to have relationships. Sometimes these examples, or the perceptions we have gotten, are not healthy and we carry them with us into adulthood thinking that’s the way it should be, doomed to pass them down to our children or a younger generation to continue the cycle. But we have a choice to stop that pattern.

When we find ourselves unhappy, or in relationships that don’t satisfy us, or disrespect us, we have the power to change that. As adults, we get to decide how we move about this world and how and what is acceptable behavior from those around us. For me, I was a sensitive child, but I kept everything bottled up, never expressing how I truly felt, and then in my teens, looking to find that voice, I would act out, finding a voice that I thought expressed the real me, but with a dash, or two, of rebellion thrown in. As I grew into adulthood that voice got quiet again, and I began to stuff down my feelings and found ways to numb my thoughts, just wanting to get by without too many questions. In all of those scenarios my true voice was never heard, there may have been traces of it in among my ramblings, but I was trying to make sense of what I was seeing and hearing without ever having a true conversation about it. Consequently many of my relationships suffered, as did I.

We get to decide who we are and how we conduct ourselves today, and if something isn’t working, we have the power to change that, to make things work for us, to ask those in our lives to honor who we are and to interact with us in a way that is in line with that, we also have the power to not engage with those who like to provoke us, who may tear us down, or who may take advantage us. It’s that destructive behavior, ours, and how we respond to others, we can change. And even thought it may be the way it’s been done for generations and generations, in no way did you sign a contract to say you would continue that bad behavior, you can stop it at any time. I know for myself, when I found a better way, a way that was in line with my path in the light I was able to practice making better choices for myself, and when I began to do that a weight was lifted off of me, I stood taller, I began to have pride in who I was, and I learned to find my own voice. For me, that came as a result of therapy, surrounding myself with like-minded people, and, a lot of practice, and soon that new way began to feel less foreign and so good that the old way didn’t seem appealing anymore. My relationships got stronger, I made better decisions about who I let in my life, and I used my voice to share my true self. I broke the cycle. And so can you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ever ask yourself why you do the things you do, or do you just continue to do them because that’s what you’ve been taught? What behaviors or relationships do you engage in that don’t make you feel good, or don’t honor who you are working to be? Why do you continue to do what you’ve always done when you’re working to be your authentic self and those old behaviors don’t honor that? What can you do to change those behaviors or relationships? Make sure that you are not just following the cycle or path of those who came before you, if something doesn’t feel right then it might not be right for you, if a relationship always results in the same frustrating destination, how can you change to make it a healthier relationship for you? We don’t owe anyone anything except to be our authentic selves, so if you keep finding yourself in a place that doesn’t honor you, use your power to change it. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you