ask

Are You A Giver, Taker Or Matcher?

No, I’m not talking dating terms here, I’m talking life. In a perfect world we’re all “matchers,” we give as much as we take, but in a lot of cases people tend to lean more heavily to one or the other, and in some cases, people are only giving or taking.

The trick is to find the balance, to make sure you’re getting what you need but also sharing what you have with others. There should be a give and take, and it’s up to keep yourself from doing more of one than the other. It seems easy to identify that behavior in others, but sometimes harder in ourselves. I’ve written before about “Emotional Vampires,” those people who demand so much of your time and energy they leave you drained, those people are takers, and I’ve also written in the past about those of us who are “People-Pleasers,” and we’ll do anything to make sure the other person is happy, even at your own detriment. So, how we find a balance?

Anything done to extreme isn’t good for us, so when we’re only putting energy out and not recharging our batteries, or doing things that give back to us, eventually we will tire ourselves out, and most likely, ring up one sizable resentment against the people we’ve been giving so much for. On the flip side, some of us can take without giving anything back, in which case, you’re probably the person someone has a resentment against. So it’s about finding ourselves somewhere in the middle, and, there may be times when we lean toward one or the other, but always making sure we are not just do one thing. It can be good to reach out and say you need help, it may be a part of your healing to do so, especially if you are like I used to be, always proud to do it alone, even if not asking for help ultimately caused more pressure or stress that could of been avoided. For those people, asking for help is a big deal, and something that will garner them big rewards as they continue to practice the act of asking for a hand. And then there are those who are always asking, and keep asking, when they could probably do it themselves, or, help someone else with something. Those who could benefit from asking themselves from time to time, how can I be of service here, and not just think of themselves.

It’s OK to ask for help, it can be a healthy action for many of us, but when we solely rely on people to run in and save the day, or do the work for us, we’re cheating ourselves out of doing the work, and feeling the satisfaction of a job well done, or overcoming an obstacle in our path. Really ask yourself, and be honest, are you too much of a giver or taker, and if so, are there certain areas in your life where you tend to lean one way or the other? Within the answer to those questions lie a lot of useful bits of information about yourself, information that will guide you to more of a balance, like anything else, when we find out the facts, why we do certain things, or what triggers us to exercise certain behaviors, we are better able to address those issues and practice contrary action to walk past it, to find our healthier balance, it should be just as good to ask for help as it goes to help someone else, and the more we strike that balance, the happier and healthier we’ll be.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find that you are a giver or a taker? Do you find it difficult to ask for help? Why? What do you think will happen if you do? Are you basing that on what’s happened in the past? You are not your past. Today you are setting out to make positive changes for yourself, so throw out old ideas and old stories and start to make new ones. Do you find that you are always asking things of other people? Do you also give back? If you find that you are taking more than you are giving, why do you think you’re doing that? What if you tried to help someone else? Do you think that might also help you in some way? It will SLAYER, when we help others, or do something we know they will appreciate, it’s gets us out of our head, or self, and it gives us a broader perspective than just our own, it also brings us closer to those people in our lives, as when we are able to ask for help, we allow someone else to give in service to us, both people receive a gift, so if you are only acting one way or the other, not matter what way, they are both selfish acts. Find your place in the middle and find a healthy balance of give and take, you will be a richer person for it, and you may find that your relationships get stronger and deeper as a result. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s OK To Ask For Help

I never used to ask for help. In my mind that was a sign of weakness, that I couldn’t do it alone, that it meant I wasn’t smart enough, strong enough, or just not enough. I would struggle or suffer in silence, slowly slipping away in the darkness of my mind, of feeling alone and disconnected from the world. My stubbornness and determination to not ask anyone for help appeared in every aspect in my life, not just with emotional or mental issues, I remember moving into a new apartment and needing to put together an entertainment center, this thing was heavy, and big, and I strained, sweated, and contorted my way through it’s assembly alone until it was finally done. I remember standing in front of it proud that I didn’t ask for help, but sore and full of bruises and scrapes from lifting and trying to balance the heavy pieces of wood. It was ridiculous, it would have been so much easier, and faster, to have just asked someone to help me, but then a lot of my life would have been a lot easier if I had just asked for help, and it wasn’t until I did that my life got better.

Many of us seem to have this fear of asking someone to help us. We don’t want anyone to know what’s going on, that things aren’t good, or how bad they’ve gotten, we put on this act that we show the world, we smile and put on a show. I know I did, it was that act, the show, that almost cost me my life, because I was so good at it, most of the people in my life never suspected anything was wrong, or that things had gotten as bad as they were. I had so much fear of letting anyone know how lost I was, how low I felt, and how scary my thoughts had become. This goes back to one of my previous blog, You’re Only As Sick As Your Secrets, we hold the power to change our circumstances, to make them better, and there is no shame in asking for help. When I made that phone call to a trusted friend and finally told someone what I was doing and how I was feeling, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me, it was out, and it no longer had the power over me it did, it took some work until it didn’t have any power over me, but that was a huge first step, my admission and willingness to let it go.

There is no shame in asking anyone for help, for anything, in fact, you may also be helping someone else by doing so. By giving someone the opportunity to be of service, to help, the other person also receives something from that, they may learn something, they may get the opportunity to teach you something, or just the chance to get to know you better and feel a deeper connection. Many of us have this idea that we’re constantly bothering someone if we reach out for help, that needs to stop, if we need help reach out and ask, no matter what it is. Sometimes just the act of reaching out helps us to solve the problem, or by talking it out, a solution can sometimes come out of that, but if we sit with it alone, and spin our wheels with it, over and over, we won’t get anywhere, there’s a reason why we’re all different, why we all shine in different areas, so we can bring some knowledge or a different perspective to a situation, use those opportunities, to not only get some assistance, but to learn, to grow, to take control of a situation that is hanging over you, there is a solution out there, reach out for help.

I know the power of asking for help, had I not done that I would not be here. No matter what the issue is, or task, if you can’t do it alone, can’t figure it out, or just don’t want to do it alone, ask for help. Give yourself that gift to not carry the burden alone, and you may also be giving a gift to the person you ask. Nothing happens by accident, the situations we find ourselves are all part of your journey, your broader plan, and if you find yourself in situations that consistently find you in need of help and you’re not asking for it, perhaps that is the universe trying to tell you something, or trying to nudge you to do what you’re supposed to do. If you need help, ask for help.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you reluctant to ask for help? If so, why? Do you think you don’t deserve to have anyone help you? Is it your pride that stops you from reaching out? What stops you from asking for help? Have there been times you’ve asked for help? What were the results of that? Do you see that asking someone for help can also help them? Challenge yourself SLAYER to ask for help this week, not matter how big or small the task or issue, be willing and open to help, and, ask for what you want and need. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Stop Apologizing For Who You Are

I used to do this, feeling less than I didn’t think I deserved anyone’s help, concern, or ear, I thought I was a burden and if I did reach out I would apologize for it. I would apologize for everything, for wanting things, for being passionate about the things I was, for being alive! I truly didn’t think I was worthy of anything and wouldn’t speak up, and then I would get angry and hurt when I wasn’t acknowledged, as a defense my ego would kick and say “yes, you do deserve all of these things and how dare they not know that!” I would stand there, the most righteous piece of crap that ever walked the earth, and then crumble in self hatred and doubt and not speak up, or if I finally did, be apologetic for my wants and needs.

We need to stop apologizing for ourselves! We do deserve good things, good people in our lives, and to love the things we do, no apologies. We have to lose the idea that if we need a friend, someone to listen to us that isn’t a burden, because, true story, you may just be helping the other person too. Crazy right? When you think about it, it’s actually selfish to hold back, not share, because you could also be cheating someone else from hearing what you have to say, maybe they also need to hear it, or need to hear themselves say what they’re going to say back to you. Don’t apologize. You matter, your experiences matter, your thoughts matter, it all matters. When I started this blog my intention, or hope, was to bring some light to someone who may be suffering or struggling, and so I set out to speak my truth, with no apologies, and because I’ve been doing that you all have responded with your stories of struggle or experiences, and victories, and have given back to me, and because I relate to so much of what you’re saying it reminds me of where I am, where I’ve come from, or where I need to be. See, it’s really a big circle, when we all share our truths, we all find some healing, and love, and comfort. Never apologize for who you are or your story.

That goes for your passions as well! Be you! Love what you love! Don’t ever apologize for those things or think you shouldn’t share it, when you do you find like-minded people who are also into the things you are. Some of you out there already have, and look at how amazing it feels to find your tribe, if people don’t understand, that’s OK, they don’t need to, it’s not up to you to make them understand, or apologize for it.

As SLAYERS we stand tall, we love and appreciate our authentic selves, we are proud of who we are, what we stand for, and what and who we love. We deserve to have good people and friends around us, we deserve to have the things we work for, aspire to, we deserve all of it, never apologize for any of that because it’s your unique voice, your love, your passion that is needed out the in the world, whether you’re having a good day or one full of challenges, we need to hear your voice, we connect with it, we love it, and we share in your journey.

Standing tall in ourselves means forgiving yourself, yeah I’m not going to let that go, finding your flawsome, letting your freak flag fly and celebrating you! Never apologize for who you are or what you want, you deserve all of it, you are special, we love you, but, you have to love yourself…without apologies.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you apologize for what you want? Why? Do you apologize when you’re struggling and need someone to listen? Why? Don’t you think we want what we want and go through what we do because there is a bigger plan, a reason we want and go through those things? If we don’t speak our truths and share with others we’re not only cheating ourselves, but we’re cheating those around us who may need to hear what you have to say. Don’t apologize for needing and wanting what you do. Stand tall SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! When our intentions are in the right place, and we know what other people’s intentions are, we are less likely to cause or run into problems because of miscommunication or lack thereof. Make sure you let your intentions be known and don’t be afraid to ask what someone else’s are. Everyone has their own reasons for getting involved and when you know the facts, you are safe.

New blog goes up Sunday…until then, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Intentions

Expectations: The Evolution Of Evil

You know, if everyone would just do what we expect them to do, the way we expect them to do it, everything would be fine. Am I right here? Unfortunately that’s not how it works, and then, we find ourselves in resentment. Managing our expectations can be tricky, but for me it goes back to what I’ve talked about in previous posts about finding out the facts. As I’ve said before, when we find out the facts, we are safe.

I used to be guilty of wishful thinking, of assuming that everyone knew what I was thinking or expecting, and were just going to do it the way I would want it done. I was afraid to speak up and ask others what their expectations were and, what they were willing to give or contribute. I had too much fear that you might not be on the same page so I just wouldn’t ask the questions, and then be hurt, disappointed, or angry when you didn’t follow through. But, I didn’t follow through for myself, I didn’t get all the information, and if someone called me out on that, I would get defensive and angry. Really, I was embarrassed that I hadn’t spoken up and done the work for myself.

This ties into a few different things. First, believing that your voice matters and asking for what you want. Now, just because you’re asking doesn’t mean you’re always going to get it, but if you are clear about your expectations then the other person or people can then let you know if they are on the same page or not, or what they are willing to do. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. If someone says no, it’s not the end of the world, what it is, is the end of you expecting them to participate and you can now move on to find someone else who may want to help you out or come on board. When we know the facts we are safe. This also goes for other people’s expectations of us. I used to be a people pleaser, never wanting to disappoint anyone or upset them because I didn’t want them to think I was a bad person, so I would agree to things, or kind of say yes without really committing, so that I looked good in the moment, but then wouldn’t follow through or make an excuse when the time came resulting in hurt feelings and frayed friendships, I would always be the martyr and claim that I never really committed, justifying my flakiness in every situation. It’s funny how I always thought I was right in those situations, but when someone did it to me, I was angry. Well here’s the thing, when we’re living as our authentic selves, loving ourselves, choosing the right people to have in our lives, people we love and respect, then it becomes easier to speak our truth, and to ask for it.

Today, for me, it’s about keeping my side of the street clean. If I’m not able to help someone out, I tell them, I will explain why, and if I can and it’s asked for, maybe offer another solution or option, that way the people in my life know where I stand, and what they can expect from me. I’m not going to lie, sometimes people are disappointed, but I’d rather have them not count on me for something I know I can’t or don’t want to do then have them think I’m on board, and that goes for myself as well, I need to ask if someone is willing or wanting to help me with things, and ask, that way if they say no I know to move on, ask someone else. No, isn’t the worst thing someone can say to you, sometimes it can be the best, because it may force you to think outside the box, or go to someone you might not have thought to go to before. I try to look at a no as an opportunity.

When we ask for what we want, and are honest with others about what we are able to give or contribute, our expectations stay in check, as do others’ with us, most of the time, but it’s a good base to operate from to maintain and build healthy relationships. And, an incredible way to honor living as our authentic selves.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask for what you want? If not, why? Do you think you deserve to have what you want? If not, why? Do you ask people what their expectations are before getting started on a project or activity? Are you afraid to ask? Why? The challenge SLAYER is ask the questions you need to feel safe, and to be honest with others about what you are willing to give, you, like everyone else, deserves to be heard, and deserves to know the facts. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you