sorry

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! An apology can be the super glue of life, it can repair just about anything.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Value More

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t let a bad situation change your inner goodness.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Look Back

Someone Doesn’t Need To Feel Sorry For You To Love You

How often, when we meet someone new, do we sit them down and share all of the terrible events of our past, how we were wronged, times we were a victim and just how difficult live has been for us thus far? Those stories or events from our past have become our narrative and what defines us and we share it with anyone who will listen to demonstrate how damaged we are and that we just want to be loved. Well, we can still be loved without dumping all of our baggage out for everyone to see, in fact, by not dumping it out we are showing ourselves love first before we are expecting it or wanting it from someone else. We all have stories from our past, and those events may have played a major role in who we are today, but, we are not our past, and getting to know someone new is a great opportunity to share who we are today and what we are looking for in the future. It’s not necessary to look for sympathy to find love.

In my past I often kept, what I perceived, as anything bad to myself, but I would use those stories from my past strategically at times to gain sympathy or to manipulate a situation in my favor. I held on to them like bonus cards, and when I thought it could be helpful to me, in any form, I would then take one out to get the desired result. When I think of that behavior now it seems gross to me, and very dishonest, it wasn’t until I stepped onto this path and started to learn a new way of living that I realized what I had been doing. Walking into a support group and talking with others who had many of the same stories I had I realized I could no longer use those stories the same way, it wouldn’t work in this crowd, and, there was always someone with an even tougher story than mine, but most importantly, I shouldn’t be using them for any purpose but one of connection, understanding and compassion for someone else, and in doing so, I had to forgive those who had been involved in those stories, including myself. Even though I had been using them in the past to get what I want, it still hurt me each time I told them, and it put me in the frame of mind of a victim, when I took responsibility of my part in those stories, or forgiving those who hurt me, I was able to shed the role as a victim and take my power back regarding my past, even in those instances in the past where I truly was a victim.

You are, just as you are, worthy of love, there’s no need to try to whip up sympathy or bring yourself down to find love. Stand tall in who you are today, sharing the stories of our past only if we feel it can help someone or help us to connect or relate with someone who may be struggling, it is up to us to let go of the past, to find peace with it so we can move on and allow someone to love us for who we are today and not what happened to us in the past. We, as SLAYERS, stand tall in who we are, there is no need to ever try to dull our shine or diminish who we are by dragging our past into our present day. Look for people in your life who love and appreciate you for you, and who encourage you to always be your best you. Lay to rest who used to be, for the you of today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you use the stories of your past to gain sympathy? Do you try to manipulate people with those stories? When you meet someone new do you feel obligated to tell that person all of the stories of your past? Why? What are you hoping to gain? What if you didn’t tell those stories? Have you made peace with those stores yourself? If not, why not? What steps can you take to do so? How does it hurt you to hang onto them? How can it help you to let go? We are lovable just as we are, we don’t need to guilt anyone to love us or feel bad for us, we all have had things happen to us in our past that were hurtful, harmful or destructive, but we have the power to not let ourselves be defined by those things, we, today, live in the light, and share that light with others who are still looking for theirs.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Can’t Change The Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You

There is no going back. No way to erase our past, make different choices, take different action. The past is, well, the past, it is what it is. Before stepping on this path I used the stories from my past to back up the narrative that I wanted to tell, that I was a victim. I would use it to try to manipulate people to get what I want, to get them to feel sorry for me, or show them how I had been wronged. In reality, most of that past, those stories, I played a big part in, but I couldn’t see that when I was living in the dark, I wasn’t willing to. I used my past as an excuse to act out, to act badly, or to not act at all. If someone called me out on my behavior I would cite a time from my past that I thought justified what I had done in the present, and by doing that I was letting my past have power over me, I was also letting it affect my present by continuing those behaviors and mimicking those situations over and over. It wasn’t until I made the commitment to get better, to live my life in the light, to be honest, to everyone, especially myself, that I realized that how my past affected me could be changed.

Instead of walking around with shame, anger, or frustration about my past, I learned to take responsibility for my part, and in most cases I did have a part. As soon as I was old enough to have a choice my part was all over the negative places in my past. I had chosen to engage with certain people, I had chosen not to follow through on what I promised, I had chosen to lie or manipulate someone or a situation, I had chosen to steal, I had chosen to…well, the list went on. It was hard to look at that list at first, because I had crafted my whole identity around being a victim, and even when I could see my part, I would justify it because I was a victim. Getting better for me meant stopping the blame, pointing the finger back at me and asking what I could have done better, and where I had no choice, looking at what I could learn from that person or situation that I could use going forward. If there wasn’t anything, I had to learn to accept it and I had to learn to forgive, the other person, and, myself. Tall order right? It seems so when you think about how much life you’ve lived, and how much damage has been done, but when you break it down, and write it down, and really look at it, look for the patterns, what that gives you is some very useful information about yourself. It shows you where you tend to fall, where you tend to back down, where the action does not serve you, and were you’re not honest. It shows you all of that, but the good part of that is if you make a choice to not continue that behavior, you now know what to look out for, so when you’re about to fall back on those old behaviors, a warning should pop up, it should seem familiar, and it’s at that moment that you should think about your next move and what the next right action is. Now, when I first started doing this, sometimes I didn’t know, so I had to pause to think about it, or in some cases, reach out to someone else and ask for help. As I always say, life is not a game show, there is no prize for the fastest response, so if you’re unsure of what to do or say, pause, and if you’re still unsure you can certainly say that you don’t have an answer at the moment and will get back to the person, or need to step away. As simple as that. Change takes time, and you have to give yourself the gift of time to get into the habit of being honest, and looking for the right thing to do or say instead of falling back into old habits.

When we practice taking the right actions, for us, and also considering the other person, our past tends to be less of a collection of bad memories and experiences. We take responsibility for actions and when we are wrong, we admit it and make it right if we can, or, at the very least, apologize or make an amends. Our past cannot be changed, but when we change our present it no longer affects us the it had because we are no longer that person, we are striving to be better, and more honest about who we are, those mistakes from our past no longer hold power over us because we admit to our mistakes, and, we have let them go. Move forward SLAYER, learn about yourself from those experiences, and in doing so let go, and how you think about your past. You do have control over what your past means to you, and how it affects you today. Take what you can from it, and discard the rest, what’s important is the decisions you’re making today, and how you move forward from this point on. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think about your past is it mainly negative? Why is that? Write down three big moments from your past you think affects you the most. Did you have a choice in being in that situation? If yes, why did you choose to be there? Why did you make the choices you did within that situation? Where you being honest and true to yourself in those choices? What can you do differently today to make better choices for yourself? If you did not have a choice, how can you find forgiveness, in yourself, or perhaps the other person(s) involved? Or, how can you move on from something in your past that holds you back? Sometimes it helps to have someone help you, for me that came in the form of a counselor, as well as some trusted friends, and people who shared their experiences with me, so look for ways and people who may be able to help you through this process, there is no shame in asking for help, I certainly needed to, but it’s worth the work and effort, to set yourself free of a past that you have let shackle you to a time that no longer exists. Break free and let yourself go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The two most powerful words you can share with someone are, I’m sorry. Whether you have something to be sorry about or not, truly listening to another person and sincerely offering an “I’m sorry,” is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone else.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Sorry

When Sorry Isn’t Enough

OK, we’ve all said it when we didn’t really mean it, when it would make us look good, we wanted something, or just wanted someone to go away, but, sorry isn’t good enough, even if we do mean it, what we need to do is amend the behavior that caused the incident in the first place. All too often we throw out ‘I’m sorry” without giving it much thought, like putting a band-aid on something without treating the wound. What we really should be doing is striving to do better, and to amend what got us there in the first place.

This falls under a lot of the things I’ve already talked about, was it acceptance, did we not accept a person or situation, did we manipulate, lie, or steal, or is it our people picker, is our “people picker” still off and we chose to get involved with someone who is not honoring our authentic selves or the way we’re living our lives, did our expectations get us in trouble, did we have expectations around something or someone and felt let down, what were our intentions, were our intentions true, and did we get the facts to find out what the other person’s intentions where? All of these things, and more, can get us in sticky situations that may need to be corrected, but sorry isn’t enough.

Sorry to me is something you say when you bump into someone, or speak over them by mistake, not in situations that involve decisions we’ve made or situations we’ve chosen to participate in. If we’ve made a conscious decision to engage and we’ve messed up we need to make an amends, not just say sorry.

So, what is the difference? Making an amends to someone, or yourself, is making a commitment to do better in the future, to work on not getting yourself in that situation as you move forward, and to repair any damage you may have caused. Sounds heavy right? Well, here’s the deal, it may sound like heavy lifting but what it truly does is lighten the load. Making an amends to someone is really the gold medal of apologies because it not only says “I’m sorry” but it takes it one step further by saying, “and here’s what I plan to do about it.” An amend takes action! And, that’s what we’re all about SLAYERS, taking positive action in our lives. I have seen firsthand in my own life how, seemingly irreparable relationships, or situations become not only fixed, but stronger after an amends. It can be scary to stand in front of someone and say, “I messed up, I’m sorry my actions caused, x, y, or z, but, here’s what I’m going to do about it.” But, I’ve seen miracles happen. Now, in making this declaration at no point do we make excuses for our behavior, we, using the “just the facts Ma’am” approach, declare what our part was, and then what we feel we can do to make it better. We also don’t point fingers at anyone else, remember, we are in charge of our own lives, who we are, what we feel, and what we do, so it’s not anyone else’s fault but our own if we messed up, and we all mess up, it’s how we deal with it after that makes us SLAYERS, or slackers. It’s about keeping our side of the street clean. We’ve worked hard on our streets, we don’t want to run around throwing garbage all over it.

Now, there might be times that we cannot, or should not, make an amends, oh, now I got your attention now, those of you looking for a way out, but we should not make an amends if it will hurt or do damage to the other person or persons involved, there’s a special amends for those things, a living amends. In those cases you can make an amends to yourself and make the commitment to yourself to change that behavior, continue to do better while moving forward. We may also find ourselves where we are not able to make an amends to someone because they are unreachable or have passed on, again a living amends works in those circumstances too, and, what I’ve done in the past is written a letter to that person then burned it to let it go.

No one is perfect, but a SLAYER doesn’t back away when ownership of a mistake needs to be taken, we stand up, explain what was done, and we take responsibility to do it right the next time. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Write down the names and situations where you think you owe an amends. Is there a person or institution you own an amends to? Are you hesitant to do it? Why? Next the names you’ve written down, what can you do, moving forward, to better the situation that has you owing an amends? Make a commitment to watch out for those as you move forward and instead of repeating it, do the next right thing.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you