Good morning SLAYER! An apology can be the super glue of life, it can repair just about anything.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
sorry
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Don’t let a bad situation change your inner goodness.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!
Someone Doesn’t Need To Feel Sorry For You To Love You
How often, when we meet someone new, do we sit them down and share all of the terrible events of our past, how we were wronged, times we were a victim and just how difficult live has been for us thus far? Those stories or events from our past have become our narrative and what defines us and we share it with anyone who will listen to demonstrate how damaged we are and that we just want to be loved. Well, we can still be loved without dumping all of our baggage out for everyone to see, in fact, by not dumping it out we are showing ourselves love first before we are expecting it or wanting it from someone else. We all have stories from our past, and those events may have played a major role in who we are today, but, we are not our past, and getting to know someone new is a great opportunity to share who we are today and what we are looking for in the future. It’s not necessary to look for sympathy to find love.
In my past I often kept, what I perceived, as anything bad to myself, but I would use those stories from my past strategically at times to gain sympathy or to manipulate a situation in my favor. I held on to them like bonus cards, and when I thought it could be helpful to me, in any form, I would then take one out to get the desired result. When I think of that behavior now it seems gross to me, and very dishonest, it wasn’t until I stepped onto this path and started to learn a new way of living that I realized what I had been doing. Walking into a support group and talking with others who had many of the same stories I had I realized I could no longer use those stories the same way, it wouldn’t work in this crowd, and, there was always someone with an even tougher story than mine, but most importantly, I shouldn’t be using them for any purpose but one of connection, understanding and compassion for someone else, and in doing so, I had to forgive those who had been involved in those stories, including myself. Even though I had been using them in the past to get what I want, it still hurt me each time I told them, and it put me in the frame of mind of a victim, when I took responsibility of my part in those stories, or forgiving those who hurt me, I was able to shed the role as a victim and take my power back regarding my past, even in those instances in the past where I truly was a victim.
You are, just as you are, worthy of love, there’s no need to try to whip up sympathy or bring yourself down to find love. Stand tall in who you are today, sharing the stories of our past only if we feel it can help someone or help us to connect or relate with someone who may be struggling, it is up to us to let go of the past, to find peace with it so we can move on and allow someone to love us for who we are today and not what happened to us in the past. We, as SLAYERS, stand tall in who we are, there is no need to ever try to dull our shine or diminish who we are by dragging our past into our present day. Look for people in your life who love and appreciate you for you, and who encourage you to always be your best you. Lay to rest who used to be, for the you of today. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you use the stories of your past to gain sympathy? Do you try to manipulate people with those stories? When you meet someone new do you feel obligated to tell that person all of the stories of your past? Why? What are you hoping to gain? What if you didn’t tell those stories? Have you made peace with those stores yourself? If not, why not? What steps can you take to do so? How does it hurt you to hang onto them? How can it help you to let go? We are lovable just as we are, we don’t need to guilt anyone to love us or feel bad for us, we all have had things happen to us in our past that were hurtful, harmful or destructive, but we have the power to not let ourselves be defined by those things, we, today, live in the light, and share that light with others who are still looking for theirs.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
You Can’t Change The Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You
There is no going back.
No rewinding. No editing. No alternate ending where we made the perfect choice every time. The past is fixed. It happened. And for a long time, I let mine define me.
Before I began this healing journey, I used my past as proof that I was a victim. I told those stories in ways that supported that narrative. Sometimes I wanted sympathy. Sometimes I wanted validation. Sometimes I wanted an excuse for behavior I knew was not aligned with who I truly wanted to be.
And here is the truth I eventually had to face.
In many of those situations, I had a role. Sometimes a small one. Sometimes a big one. But denying that kept me stuck. It kept me repeating patterns. It kept me living in yesterday instead of building today.
The moment I committed to honesty, especially with myself, everything began to shift.
Owning Your Story Changes Its Power
Taking responsibility is not about blame. It is about freedom.
When I stopped pointing outward and started looking inward, I began to see patterns. Choices I had made. People I had allowed into my life. Boundaries I had not set. Truths I had ignored.
At first, that realization was uncomfortable. I had built an identity around being wronged. Letting go of that identity felt like losing something familiar.
But what I gained was far greater.
Clarity. Growth. Self respect. And the ability to change.
Once you see your patterns, you can interrupt them.
And that is where transformation begins.
The Past Only Has The Power You Give It
I used to carry shame, anger, and frustration everywhere I went. Those emotions colored how I saw myself and others. They influenced my reactions. They shaped my expectations.
But when I started living more honestly, those emotions began to loosen their grip.
I learned to ask different questions:
What did I learn?
What would I do differently now?
What boundaries do I need moving forward?
What forgiveness is necessary for peace?
Sometimes forgiveness was for someone else. Sometimes it was for myself. Often it was both.
And slowly, the past stopped feeling like a prison and started feeling like a teacher.
Patterns Become Signals Instead Of Traps
One of the biggest gifts of reflection is recognition.
When you understand your patterns, familiar situations begin to feel different. You notice warning signs earlier. You pause before reacting. You make decisions with awareness instead of autopilot.
Early on, I often did not know what the “right” response was. So I learned something important.
Pause.
Life is not a game show. There is no prize for responding fastest. Taking time to think, to ask questions, or to seek guidance is not weakness. It is wisdom.
And with practice, better decisions become more natural.
That is growth in action.
Changing Today Rewrites Tomorrow
You cannot rewrite the past, but you absolutely shape what comes next.
When we act with honesty, integrity, and awareness, the weight of past mistakes lightens. They stop defining us because we are no longer repeating them.
We admit when we are wrong. We make amends when possible. We learn. We adjust. We grow.
And suddenly, the past becomes context instead of identity.
That shift is powerful.
It creates space for self respect. Confidence. Peace.
Healing Requires Compassion Too
Responsibility does not mean harsh self judgment.
Some experiences truly were outside our control. Some situations were painful, unfair, or confusing. Acknowledging that is part of healing too.
The key is balance.
Accountability where we had choice. Compassion where we did not.
Both are necessary for emotional freedom.
And both allow us to move forward without dragging the past behind us.
You Are Allowed To Outgrow Who You Were
This might be the most important part.
You are not required to remain the person you were during your hardest seasons.
Growth means evolution. Awareness means change. Healing means forward movement.
Your past informs you.
It does not imprison you.
And every day offers a chance to choose differently.
SLAY Reflection
Let’s reflect, SLAYER:
S: When you think about your past, what emotions come up most strongly?
L: What patterns or choices do you now recognize that you could approach differently today?
A: Where might forgiveness, either for yourself or someone else, create more peace in your life?
Y: What is one small action you can take today that reflects who you are becoming rather than who you were?
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
How have you learned to reinterpret your past so it supports your growth instead of holding you back?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who needs permission to move forward without being defined by yesterday, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! The two most powerful words you can share with someone are, I’m sorry. Whether you have something to be sorry about or not, truly listening to another person and sincerely offering an “I’m sorry,” is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone else.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
When Sorry Isn’t Enough
OK, we’ve all said it when we didn’t really mean it, when it would make us look good, we wanted something, or just wanted someone to go away, but, sorry isn’t good enough, even if we do mean it, what we need to do is amend the behavior that caused the incident in the first place. All too often we throw out ‘I’m sorry” without giving it much thought, like putting a band-aid on something without treating the wound. What we really should be doing is striving to do better, and to amend what got us there in the first place.
This falls under a lot of the things I’ve already talked about, was it acceptance, did we not accept a person or situation, did we manipulate, lie, or steal, or is it our people picker, is our “people picker” still off and we chose to get involved with someone who is not honoring our authentic selves or the way we’re living our lives, did our expectations get us in trouble, did we have expectations around something or someone and felt let down, what were our intentions, were our intentions true, and did we get the facts to find out what the other person’s intentions where? All of these things, and more, can get us in sticky situations that may need to be corrected, but sorry isn’t enough.
Sorry to me is something you say when you bump into someone, or speak over them by mistake, not in situations that involve decisions we’ve made or situations we’ve chosen to participate in. If we’ve made a conscious decision to engage and we’ve messed up we need to make an amends, not just say sorry.
So, what is the difference? Making an amends to someone, or yourself, is making a commitment to do better in the future, to work on not getting yourself in that situation as you move forward, and to repair any damage you may have caused. Sounds heavy right? Well, here’s the deal, it may sound like heavy lifting but what it truly does is lighten the load. Making an amends to someone is really the gold medal of apologies because it not only says “I’m sorry” but it takes it one step further by saying, “and here’s what I plan to do about it.” An amend takes action! And, that’s what we’re all about SLAYERS, taking positive action in our lives. I have seen firsthand in my own life how, seemingly irreparable relationships, or situations become not only fixed, but stronger after an amends. It can be scary to stand in front of someone and say, “I messed up, I’m sorry my actions caused, x, y, or z, but, here’s what I’m going to do about it.” But, I’ve seen miracles happen. Now, in making this declaration at no point do we make excuses for our behavior, we, using the “just the facts Ma’am” approach, declare what our part was, and then what we feel we can do to make it better. We also don’t point fingers at anyone else, remember, we are in charge of our own lives, who we are, what we feel, and what we do, so it’s not anyone else’s fault but our own if we messed up, and we all mess up, it’s how we deal with it after that makes us SLAYERS, or slackers. It’s about keeping our side of the street clean. We’ve worked hard on our streets, we don’t want to run around throwing garbage all over it.
Now, there might be times that we cannot, or should not, make an amends, oh, now I got your attention now, those of you looking for a way out, but we should not make an amends if it will hurt or do damage to the other person or persons involved, there’s a special amends for those things, a living amends. In those cases you can make an amends to yourself and make the commitment to yourself to change that behavior, continue to do better while moving forward. We may also find ourselves where we are not able to make an amends to someone because they are unreachable or have passed on, again a living amends works in those circumstances too, and, what I’ve done in the past is written a letter to that person then burned it to let it go.
No one is perfect, but a SLAYER doesn’t back away when ownership of a mistake needs to be taken, we stand up, explain what was done, and we take responsibility to do it right the next time. SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Write down the names and situations where you think you owe an amends. Is there a person or institution you own an amends to? Are you hesitant to do it? Why? Next the names you’ve written down, what can you do, moving forward, to better the situation that has you owing an amends? Make a commitment to watch out for those as you move forward and instead of repeating it, do the next right thing.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
