let it go

When You Ask For Help You’re Helping

Before walking this path I never wanted to ask for help. I thought asking for help made me look weak, like I didn’t know how to take care of things on my own or by asking I was  going to risk ruining that perfect facade I had spent my whole life presenting to the world, so I would try to figure thing out on my own, and for the most part, I was pretty good at it, but I was also sliding some big ongoing problems under the rug that I couldn’t find a solution to, or, didn’t want to. Now those problems I swept away, or hid, never went away, I just couldn’t see them for a while, until they surfaced once again, and when they did resurface, they were usually bigger than they were before, it was like they were lifting weights in the shadows and would come back with even more muscle power.

Now looking back it seems ridiculous to think things would just go away on their own if I pushed them away or didn’t want to see them, it’s very rare that anything will. But I was operating with a kind of magical thinking most of the time and would believe, or want to believe, that I could just make things disappear because I wanted them to, something about as logical as trying to talk yourself out of the stomach flu, talking isn’t going to get you well. It wasn’t until all of that pretending and magical thinking wore off and I was left standing in the stark reality of my existence that I finally reached out for help. I had to let go of that beautiful facade I had designed and hid behind and I had to get real and get honest. It was scary, but it felt good to no longer carry the weight of what I had been dragging behind my whole life and start to let it go, and to realize that the key to my recovery was going to be my honesty and my ability to ask for help.

It was difficult for me at first. To ask for help. My head would tell me that I was bothering the other person, that they had their own problems and didn’t have time for mine, or that they might think badly of me knowing the truth of who I was. None of that was true. In fact, me asking for help had the opposite effect. It opened many doors to new friendships, it deepened relationships I already had and by asking for help I was getting different suggestions and ideas that I hadn’t thought of on my own. I also realized that many times, my asking for help may also be helping the person I had asked. It had never occurred to me that me needing help could do anything for anyone else, but it did. I often say here at State Of Slay, that everything happens for a reason, so when we reach out to someone in need of help there’s a reason we’re drawn to reach out to the person or people we do, they might also need to hear what we have to say, or what they say to us.

Having practiced asking for help for many years now, and, being on the receiving end of people asking me for help, I know that I have been helped by their need for help, or by what I’ve said to them as a suggested solution. It has become very evident to me how someone reaching out to me with a problem, can help me just as much, and now when I reach out for help, I remind myself that I may helping the person I reach out to just as much as I will be helped. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically keep things inside, or do you ask for help when you need it? What stops you from asking for help? Have you had bad experiences in the past? Or, are you listening to a story your head tells you that may not be true? What can you do to change that story? Are you asking the right people for help, or are you asking people who will give you the response you are looking for to continue telling your negative narrative? How do you feel when someone asks you for help? Have you been helped, or been given some insight, when you’ve been asked for help? Remember SLAYER, asking for help is never a one way street, there may be reasons, beyond what we could know, why you are asking help from who you are. Never shy away from asking for help when you need it, you’re not only helping yourself, but you may just be helping someone else who may not know they’re also in need of some help that day.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Do You Like To Star In Your Own Junkologue?

We all have a past. We all have pain. But some of us don’t just carry it—we perform it. Over and over. Like a monologue we’ve rehearsed so well, it becomes our identity. If that sounds familiar, you might be starring in what I call your junkologue.

It’s that loop where you retell the same stories of pain, betrayal, and hardship—not to heal, but to get a reaction. Maybe it’s sympathy. Maybe it’s validation. Maybe it’s just to be seen. But here’s the thing: living in your junk keeps you from living in your truth.

Are You Telling It or Reliving It?

There’s a difference between sharing your story and clinging to it. We often convince ourselves we’re “working through” something when in reality, we’re rehashing it to stay stuck.

Before I found the courage to get help, I was the lead in my junkologue. I told my tales of pain like war stories—always the victim, never the villain. I’d exaggerate to gain sympathy or manipulate situations to my advantage. It wasn’t humility. It was a form of emotional exhibitionism—a way to keep myself small while trying to feel important.

I told myself I was being vulnerable. But I wasn’t. I was addicted to the attention my wounds gave me. And the people who stuck around? They were often stuck in their own junk too. Misery doesn’t just love company—it curates it.

The Shift From Performance to Purpose

Everything changed when I started asking the hard questions: Why am I telling this story? What am I hoping to gain? Am I using it to inspire—or to indulge?

That’s when I discovered what true humility really meant. It wasn’t putting myself down publicly for applause. It was being honest about my part in the story. It was making amends, not just confessions.

Now, if I share a piece of my past, it’s with purpose—to support, connect, or guide. Not to center myself in pain, but to show what healing looks like.

Your junkologue doesn’t have to be your identity. It can be your origin story—but only if you let yourself grow beyond it.

What’s Your Motivation?

Your story is powerful. But ask yourself: Are you using it to heal—or to hide?

  • Are you sharing to connect, or to compete?
  • Are you expressing yourself, or performing a role?
  • Are you owning your part—or just retelling how others hurt you?

If you’re constantly the victim in every version of your story, it might be time to zoom out. See your patterns. See your choices. See your growth.

Because you are not your worst moments. You are not your junk. You are who you decide to become next.

Being a SLAYER Means Owning the Mic With Intention

We’ve all survived things. But survival isn’t the goal—thriving is.

So the next time you feel the urge to share your junkologue, pause. Ask yourself: Is this for healing, or habit? Is this story helping me evolve—or keeping me stuck?

When we tell our stories with ownership, honesty, and heart, they lift us—and those listening. When we tell them for attention or control, they keep us in the shadows.

You get to choose which version you tell. And more importantly—you get to choose what comes next.

Step out of your junkologue, and into your power. That’s how we Slay.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Do you tend to repeat certain stories from your past? Why?
  2. How do you feel during and after sharing those stories?
  3. What are you hoping others will give you when you share them?
  4. Are you honest about your part in those stories?
  5. What could shift if you reframed your story as a source of strength, not pain?

S-L-A-Y:

  • Share with purpose, not pity
  • Let go of old narratives that no longer serve
  • Acknowledge your part and your progress
  • You control the next chapter of your story

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
Do you ever catch yourself performing your junkologue? What helps you shift into healing mode instead?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck in the loop of their old story, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Denial of what you feel destroys your self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love. Our feelings teach us where we are in life and show us what we need to work on. Honor you. Honor your feelings.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Feel It (1)

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Do what gives you joy, for no other reason than just that.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Joy

Sing For Joy, No Other Reason

We should always do what makes our spirit bright, and for no other reason but that. We can get caught up in doing things for the recognition, for our ego, for bragging rights, to prove our worth, but none of those things will fill us up like just doing it for the joy of it. We place importance on certain events or opportunities, put pressure on ourselves to perform at a certain level or we feel we’ve failed, we don’t fully appreciate the moment and how it makes us feel because we’re focused on the result, or what we hope it will be instead of just letting ourselves go and enjoying what we’re doing and how it makes us feel when we do. The real questions are, what motivates us to do what we love, what are we looking for from doing them, and why are we drawn to them in the first place?

Before stepping on this path I always had ulterior motives for doing what I did, even the things I loved. It was very rare that I would really just let myself go and let myself enjoy those things, without wanting something, even to just feel something specifically, instead of just allowing myself to feel what came naturally. I tried to make myself feel specific things by doing specific activities, to try to force those feelings, because I wanted to feel them, but wouldn’t allow myself to organically feel them by just being true to myself. The truth of the matter was, I didn’t know how to be true to myself because I had stuffed down my true self so deep I didn’t even know where to find her anymore, or who she really was. So everything I did was manufactured, to look and feel the way I wanted to, nothing was just for joy. Nothing was ever done and left to chance. I tried to always manipulate the outcome. It was a lot of work, and I was never truly satisfied because nothing was ever real, and the more I did it, the more I lost touch with reality and what really did bring joy to my life. I told myself certain things did because it looked or sounded good, or because I thought I should, or may have remembered it did once, but I lost touch with the joy in my life, and what used to bring it to my life.

Today I need to do the things in my life that bring me joy, I need to feed that part of me that shines when I do, that part that nourishes me, that makes my heart smile, I need those things today, it gives me fuel to keep going, and to share my joy with others. That’s the thing about joy, it’s contagious, and when we feel it, it pours out of us and gives others permission to seek out their own joy, or maybe tap into to ours a little bit until they find their own. And if I want to sing, I will sing, because I feel like I want to, even though I can’t sing, it doesn’t matter, as long as it brings me joy, that is the only result I seek today. Now, having said that, I will come up against old thinking sometimes that wants to put pressure on me to do things for the wrong reasons, but typically I can stop myself and remind myself to have fun, to do it for fun, and to let it go. The more we stay out of the results, the happier we’ll be.

Let yourself go SLAYER, do what you love just for the joy of it, even if you’re not great at it, as long as you are enjoying that’s all the matters, that is a win, just do it. Take the pressure off yourself for things to look or feel a certain way and just be. Just be, and trust that is enough, because when you are in that place of authenticity you will always be guided to what will bring you the most joy. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What in your life brings you the most joy? When you do that thing that brings you joy do you allow yourself to just do it without any expectations or concern about the results? If not, what are you expectations or hope for the results? What if you let those go? What then? Do you remember a time when you didn’t have those expectations or hope for those results? How did that feel? What can you do today to let go of your expectations and just let yourself be in the moment? Write down 5 things that bring you joy. Now, set out to do them for the only reason that you should have, because you want to, and because it lets your heart shine. Keep letting it shine, and keep finding your joy.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Bitterness and resentment only hurt one person, you.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Choose

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The lessons are right in front of us, you just have to be willing to learn.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Reason