slayer

Are You A People-Pleaser?

I never would have said that I was a people-pleaser before stepping on this path, but looking back I was, not in every way, but I definitely identify with some of the behaviors. I think we all can be at times. We all want to be liked. We want to make people happy. We want to look like the good guy. The hero even. But when we use the act of making people happy as our own self-worth, that’s where people-pleasing becomes a problem. Yes, it’s nice to do things for other people, but not if we’re putting other people’s needs before our own, neglecting our own as a result, or we’re doing it in such a way that it becomes self-destructive. Many times people-pleasing comes from our own self-worth issues, I know it did for me, I didn’t think I had any worth, so I equated my worth to the acts I did for other people, and if those people didn’t appreciate those acts as much as I thought they should, I would get angry. Wrong intentions, wrong reaction. We should only do something for someone else if we genuinely want to do it and expect nothing in return from that person other than knowing your act may have made their day better, otherwise you run the danger of people-pleasing with selfish motives. So, how do we know if we’re people-pleasing? Here are some signs.

Pretending You’re Always In Agreement. You pretend you always agree with everyone’s opinions or values just be liked, or to be seen as being on the same page, going against your true beliefs and what you stand for. I am a firm believer in always listening to someone’s opinion, even if it differs from your own, but never fake who you are to make friends, as sooner or later the truth will come out and you will be labeled as just that, a fake.

You Fell Responsible For Other People’s Feelings. Each of us in charge of our own feelings and emotions, you as an individual cannot make someone feel something they do not. Again, it’s nice to do something for someone if you know it will help them or they’ll appreciate the gesture, but it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings, and you can’t, your job is to manage your own.

You’re Always Apologizing. Never be sorry for being you. People-pleasers typically over apologize always fearing that people are blaming them, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. When you’re secure in who you are and know your true intentions, there is no need to apologize for things unnecessarily, there should be no fear that you’re always in the wrong, or it’s your fault for something you didn’t do.

You Feel Obligated. You over-schedule your life with things and activities you’re not really interested in doing but feel you should to keep someone else happy. You are in charge of your life and your time, you don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to, or you feel burdened by. Again, the only reason to do something is because you want to, not to look good to someone else or because you feel you can’t say no, you can. Better to be honest about how you feel than do something and then feel resentful when you’re there.

You Fear Anger. You make decisions based on whether someone might get mad at you and fear their displeasure. We can’t control whether someone gets upset with us, we also are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. Living in fear of upsetting someone is a true sign of a people-pleaser and a sign of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

You Mimic Those Around You. You’re a chameleon and act like the people you are around never showing those you’re with your true self for fear of not being accepted for who you are, or upsetting someone. Different people tend to bring out different sides of us, we do tend to have different facets of our personality, but to pretend to be what you’re not can be self-destructive and can often sabotage your goals if you’re not truly expressing who you are and sharing that with those around you. Be confident in your true you and don’t be afraid to share that with others, people want to meet the real you, not the you you think they want to meet.

You Need To Be Complimented To Feel Good. Everyone likes to hear when they’re going well, but people-pleasers depend on it. They’re constantly seeking validation for what they’re doing, or sacrificing, and when they don’t get it feel a sense of betrayal, but the only person you’re betraying is you, for not being yourself in the first place. The only person you should be making sure is happy is you, that happiness should not come at a cost to make someone else happy.

You’ll Do Anything To Avoid Conflict. No one likes conflict, well, no one who loves themselves and those around them, but to go to great lengths to avoid it is a sign of a people-pleaser. At some point we all find ourselves in conflict, there’s no way to avoid it, and doing everything in your power to try to avoid it might just cause more conflict because you aren’t being true to who you are, eventually someone will see that. Walk in to everything situation with the best of intentions, and know why you’re there, that’s the best any of us can do, conflict will happen regardless at times, but if you’re being honest you have nothing to worry about.

You Won’t Admit Being Hurt. Not wanting to disappoint anyone or hurt them, you keep your feelings inside, not admitting when you’ve been hurt. You deny anything is wrong, which only makes you feel worse, and keeps those relationships superficial and weak, as sooner or later your pain will cause you to disengage with that person, or they’ll sense you’re not being honest about who you are. If you’ve gotten hurt talk to the other person, we unintentionally hurt others at times, and some times it’s done by us. A conversation can clear the air and make a relationship clearer and stronger.

Recognize yourself in any of these behaviors? I think we all can to a degree, whether in our current life or in the past. People-pleasing really has the opposite result, because as we focus on pleasing others we are not pleasing the one true person who matters, us, and while we’re running around doing things for everyone else, there’s a part of us that is dying as we stuff down our goals, desires, and interests to keep up a facade we think we should present to the world. Be you. That’s all you need to be. That’s enough. Stand tall in who you are and what you believe in and share that with those around you, if that’s not appreciated in your current social circle, then perhaps it’s time to find a new circle of people just like yourself, or, a circle who wants you to be nothing more than who you are. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you identify yourself as people-pleaser? If yes why? If not why? Did you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios in the blog? Which ones? How has acting out this way harmed you? How can you change this behavior? What do you think will change when you do? How is your journey of self-love coming along? Where do you think you can improve? Where have you improved? SLAYER, write down 5 things, you cannot buy, that you are proud of. Keep that list with you and when you feel the urge to people-please, look at it, and know you are the person you need to please because you are an incredible person all on your own and your needs also deserve to be met. Go after what you want, and know, you are enough!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! What we give out is what comes back to us, you’re greatness is not what you have, it’s what you give.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Street

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We are too complicated to be labeled, as are those around us. Why limit yourself to be just one thing, aspire to be all of the things you want to be, and aspire to be undefinable.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Labels

Let Go Of Labels

 I used to let labels get in my way of thinking outside the box, I thought they kept me safe, so I would neatly label others to keep them all in order, but I certainly did not want others to label me and put me in a box. As I’ve mentioned before, I was a walking contradiction of ego run wild and me thinking I always knew better, and thinking of myself as garbage the same time. It was a really fun mix to juggle. Putting labels on others was a way for me to keep things organized, a way to quickly identify who everyone was and what they could do for me. As for me, I would vehemently deny I could be labeled, but behind closed doors would label myself as useless, less than and a horrible person. Labels. Who wants to be labeled? Who wants to be told they are one thing and only that one thing? I think what makes us all so incredible as that we are all multiple things, multiple ideas, energies, we have multiple layers, all of us. There is so much more to all of us than that one thing, or label someone can put on us. So, not wanting others to label us, why do we label others? And, what if we stopped doing that and just excepted people for who they were on any given day? What if we did the same for ourselves? What if we let go of who and what we thought we were supposed to be, and just allowed ourselves to be our best selves each day? Sounds kind of freeing right? So, how do we do this?

1) Don’t Compare. No two people are alike. We are all different. We may share some character traits, or ideas, but we are all multi-faceted people with a lot to offer in a lot of different areas. This goes back for us to self-love and self-worth, we have to find that in ourselves, and when we do, we don’t compare ourselves with people as much because we are happy in our own skin, happy with who we are, or the progress we’re making on the way to becoming who we would like to be. Also, when we have a strong sense of self, we tend not to judge others as much, we are more excepting of them and their journey, as well as our own. There is no comparison between two people, because no two people have the exact same journey, we all are exactly where we are supposed to be and learning things as we are meant to learn them, we can’t compare our journey with another, we’re not playing on the same playing field. Accept where you are, and who are, and, if there are changes you’d like to make, make them. Everyone else’s journey, is their business.

2) Focus On Relationships. When we tend to label we tend to focus on individuals rather than the relationships we have with them. When we shift our focus to our relationships it stops being about you vs. them and becomes about the two of you, and who the people are in our lives, who they are to us. When we’re focusing on our relationships we tend not to label the people in them, we look at them as people we are connected to, partnered with, or share common interests or a part of our lives with. So when thinking about the people in your life, and yourself, start thinking about the relationship you have with them, who they are to you, who you are to them, and what that relationship means to you. When we focus our thinking this way, we tend not to think of labeling that person, or ourselves because we’re thinking of what’s most important, our relationship with them. That also rings true for ourselves, when we focus on the relationship with ourselves, the one we have or working on having, a healthy loving relationship with ourselves, we tend to judge ourselves less.

3) Be Curious. I’ve talked quite a bit about wearing your detective hat, and this is a great time to take it out and be curious about things you don’t know about, or things that make you, or the people in your life, different. Go explore. Ask questions. Maybe even try some new things. The more knowledge we have and the more experiences, the less likely we are to label others and ourselves and start seeing how we are all well-rounded individuals who have many different interests and layers that make up who we are.

4) Try Different Labels. If you’re stuck, feeling like you need to label someone, or yourself, try on different labels, like putting on a different coat, try something new on and see if it fits. As much as we can limit those around us by putting a label on them, we can also do it to ourselves, so why not try something new and see what it feels like . Maybe try some things that are the complete opposite of what you might label yourself and see how it feels. Practice a little contrary action. You may be surprised at what you discover about yourself. Give yourself permission to try different roles, different ideas, different perspectives and see how much you grow.

When we label ourselves, or those around us, we stay stuck. We don’t challenge ourselves to try new things, to meet new people. Try losing the labels we’ve allowed to hold us back. Break free of old ideas and get rid of all the labels that keep you in a place of stagnancy, let go of labels and set yourself free to be who you are, and let others do the same.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you label yourself? What label or labels do you use? Why do you use them? Do you think those labels let you be your true authentic self? What do you think will happen of you let go of those labels? Do you label others? Why? What if you didn’t label others and just let them be themselves? What if you didn’t label anyone or anything? What if you just lived in the moment, and accepted who you are, what you’re interested in, and what the other people in your life where doing? I challenge you this week SLAYER to do it. Let go of labels and just be, and let those in your life be as well. Focus on the relationships you have formed, and know that is what’s important above what label you would put on it, them, or yourself. Get out there and explore, tearing up your labels, and letting yourself free of the boundaries and fences you have placed in your own way. Let go and be free SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You decide the direction you want to go, don’t like where you are, make a change, turn things around, you have the power to do that. When we tell the universe we’re ready, opportunities appear we didn’t see before.

New blog goes up Tuesday, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stay Stuck

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you are at war with yourself, or trying to distract yourself from life, you will always cause collateral damage to you and those around you.  Learn to live in peace and harmony with yourself and you will find peace and harmony around you.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Peace 1

Celebrate Your True Spirit

For most of my life I lived behind a mask, a cardboard cutout of who I thought you wanted me to be, and I say cardboard because it always felt flimsy, like if it got wet it would buckle, and as time when on it seemed to get ragged from overuse, it seemed to give way to the broken woman who held it up with white knuckles because she was clinging to it with all her might. My spirit was broken, was pushed so far down under the muck and sludge I had thrown on top of it that I wasn’t sure it was even there, never-mind celebrate it. It took a lot of work to finally let it back out and to shine. I realized as I was working my way back from a pit of darkness that I needed to celebrate my spirit along the way, celebrate that I was a survivor, celebrate that drive in me to get better, to do better, and really appreciate the spirit in me that makes me who I am, at the core. Now, on a bad day I can beat up that spirit, I’m grateful that I don’t have as many of those today, because today I protect that spirit, I honor it, and do what I can to nourish it, to let it shine for all to see, because my journey has taught me, when I do, great things happen, and when I do I can encourage others to do the same. But, if you’re not quite there yet, or maybe never where, how to do we learn to celebrate our spirit and who we are as individuals?

1) As Shakespeare said…”This above all: to thine own self be true.” Never dull your shine for anyone. Be your true self, all we have to offer to set us apart from each other is our own uniqueness, and we are all unique. We may have similar interests or ideas but we all have our own twist of seeing the world and executing those ideas, so share your perspective, share your unique voice, as I always say, let your freak flag fly! No one wants a carbon copy of someone else, or someone pretending to be someone else, know who you are and be proud of that. And if you don’t know who you are and what you stand for ask yourself, invest in yourself, and head down the road of self-discovery, it’s the richest road you can travel on. Always be your true self.

2) Be Good To Yourself. Give back to yourself, nourish yourself, mind, body and spirit. Make sure you’re getting what you need to be your best self, invest in yourself. It’s easy to put ourselves last when life gets busy, but you can’t pour anything from an empty cup, fill yours up first before you start giving to others. Whatever makes your heart shine, make sure you’re giving yourself some of that every day, even if it’s just rocking out to your favorite song in the shower, whatever makes you smile from the inside out, do that, and do that often.

3) Have Fun. Don’t forget to have fun. There are many things in life that aren’t that much fun, but I am of the firm belief that we can really make most things fun, some are more fun than others, but again, it’s a matter of perspective, and, if there is something that is most definitely not fun, make sure you’ve got a plan in place for some fun after, I use that one a lot. Life should be fun, so schedule some in between those things that you have to do, and even better, see if you can’t make those more fun too.

4) Embrace Your Flaws. First off, we all have them, second, are they really flaws, or you just placing an unkind label on something you’re just not fond of, or perhaps think should be or look a certain way. I’ve talked about turning our flaws into flawsome in the past, and it’s something that really let’s our spirit shine. There’s so much pressure and negativity in the world, why not stop adding to what’s already there by thinking and speaking negatively to ourselves? Embrace who you are, flaws and all, and see if you can’t change some, if not all of them, into flawsomeness.

5) Go After What You Want. Know what you want and go for it. You are the only one stopping you. You’re not always going to get what you want, but you tried, and the act of trying may take you to where you’re supposed to be. But, you won’t get there if you don’t know, or don’t even get started. Trust that you are drawn to where you’re path is supposed to lead you and then take action. And don’t be afraid to tell people what you want. When you speak up and share your ideas and goals others may join you, or may have a suggestion of how you can achieve that goal. Speak up, be confident, and be proud of who you are and where you want to go.

We all get knocked down in life, some harder than others, but no one gets a free ride. It’s about getting back up and celebrating who you are, who you truly are, at the very center of your being, of letting that light in you shine bright sharing it with those around you, but also with yourself. Be good to you, celebrate you, love you, when you do you start to receive that love back in all that you do.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you celebrate your spirit? If not why? If you do, how do you celebrate your spirit? Are you struggling to celebrate your spirit today? What do you think is stopping you? If someone where to describe your true you, how would you want them to describe you? What words would you like them to use? What’s stopping you from describing yourself with these same words. Start SLAYER. Write down 5 things you love about who you are. Write down 5 words each day this week, never repeating the same words twice. At the end of the week, celebrate you and all of the ways that make you, and your spirit, uniquely and beautifully you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! What if you simply devoted more time to loving yourself?

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Yourself

Stop Judging Yourself And Start Loving Yourself

We would never put up with someone else saying the things we say to ourselves. Why we do judge ourselves so harshly? I used to be guilty of self-judgment, and still can be, hating myself for not living up to an unattainable standard. Making sure that I set those standards so high I could never reach them, ensuring that I always had a reason to hate myself and talk down to myself. It took a lot of work to stop doing that on a regular basis, but once I started to love and accept myself I stopped accepting that negative self-talk that used to be my daily narrative. If we don’t believe in ourselves, it’s difficult for others to believe in us, the work starts with us, and it’s work that’s worth it. Let’s start with, why do we judge ourselves?

What is it about our human nature that makes us turn on ourselves? It’s easy in the culture of social media for us to compare who we are to what we’re seeing, but as I’ve written about before, we should never judge our insides to someone else’s outsides, or their outsides at all for that matter. I’ve shared in the past that when I was at my lowest low, when I had given up on myself and didn’t want to be here anymore, I still got dressed, put on a happy face and walked out the door fooling most people, and there were people who told me they envied me during that time, not knowing what my internal struggle was, and I would laugh to myself and think, you have no idea what’s really going on, and truthfully, most people have an internal struggle going on of some kind that we know nothing about, so why would you compare yourself to someone who may be only showing you what they want you to see? We live an a time of filters and editing and well, unrealistic expectations, based on what we see online and in the media, and trust me, as someone who works in entertainment, even we don’t look like the images of perfection that get put out there, we get a lot of help, by experts who are paid to make us look a certain way, and even then there are filters and lighting. So, when I say to not judge yourself based on these images, I’m telling you, there is a lot of wizardly magic that goes on behind the scenes to make things look pretty. Just be you, be proud of that, and stand tall. And, if there is something you truly are not happy with, something that you can work on or change, go ahead and do that, work for it, make it a goal and take action if it makes you feel good about you. Speaking of action, let’s get into some action.

1) Where Do Your Judgments Come From? When you look at yourself, or think about yourself, what do you see or think? Do you feel love, or shame? Have you always felt this way, or was there a time or event that made you change? Where there people in your life who validated these judgments or negative thoughts? Or maybe, placed them there to begin with? Think about what got you here, how it began, what in you or your environment fueled your judgment? As I always say, get out your detective hat, and find out the facts and the root of your judgment. Once you have that, you have something to work with. And, even if you don’t know, it’s about consciously making a decision to turn that negative self-talk and judgment around, to talk to yourself in a loving and forgiving way. No one is perfect, no one, even the people you think who are, so give yourself a break SLAYER, we’re all learning and growing, and trying to be the best us we can.

2) Find Your Own Self Love. I know, this one can be tough, but I know it can be done because I’ve done it, and I hated myself so much I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror when I brushed my teeth, so, I have faith you can find it to. Start by making a list of 5 things you like about yourself. Carry that list with you and when you start to judge yourself, read that list out loud, then smile. I did that for a few months when I started on this path, it always put things in perspective, and as my self-love started to grow so did my list. Start looking for the good instead of the bad.

3) Allow Yourself To Make Mistakes. We all make them. If we’re not making them we’re not taking chances, so really, it’s a good thing that we’re making them. We learn from mistakes, we grow, and it may just give us the answers we’re looking for. When things “go wrong” we then know not to do that again, and sometimes we will anyway, but eventually we’ll stop, and we’ll move on to something else. But it’s about trying, and learning from those tries, and allowing yourself to not get it right, and maybe even celebrating when you don’t because it means you’re allowing yourself to try new things, or maybe old things, in a different way. Mistakes open the door to discoveries.

4) Treat Yourself Like You Treat Others. We typically treat others better than we treat ourselves, and we judge them less, if we are judging them more harshly that’s usually a pretty good indicator though that we’re needing to address things in our own lives, we often will attack someone else for the things we dislike in ourselves, but, usually we tend to see everyone else with rosier glasses than see ourselves. A lot of times we find it easier to forgive others’ flaws because it’s not us, or because we’re only seeing their outside, so we figure anything we’re picking up on is just them having an off day, we make excuses for them, and maybe it’s because we love them, but, shouldn’t we cut ourselves the same breaks because we love ourselves? Yes, we should. When you catch yourself behaving badly towards yourself, think about how you treat others in your life, and ask yourself if you would be as harsh to them? Also ask yourself why? Those same reasons apply to you.

5) Step Out To Look In. When you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk , step outside of yourself and observe what’s going on. Don’t engage in it, just observe what you are saying and how it makes you feel. Let it pass by you. Watch it go. When you don’t engage and passively observe it, you don’t get emotionally involved and defensive, that’s when the truth can come to the surface. And when you know the truth, you stop telling yourself lies because they no longer make sense. And, you stop believing them.

Once you stop judging yourself and start encouraging yourself to live a full and expansive life you open the door to a bigger world, you open yourself up to new relationships and experiences, and you attract others into your life who are also on the same path. We all have bad days when the negative chatter gets loud in our heads, but that’s when we practice self-care and stick to the facts, those things we know to be true, we are beautiful, incredible people who are growing and learning and taking chances because we are operating from a place of love, not judgment. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you judge yourself harshly? Why do you think you do that? What can you do to stop judging yourself so harshly? Do you want to stop judging yourself so harshly? If not, why not? How does it benefit you? How does it hurt you? What are 5 loving things you can do for yourself this week? Write then down SLAYER and do them, see if start to lessen the grip on our own judgment.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! There are two types of pain, pain that hurts you, and change that changes you. You decide how your pain will affect you.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stuck (1)