Self Love

You Can’t Compare

Even though I am writing each day.  talking about loving your authentic self, owning who you are and celebrating that, and I do that, I found myself recently, while I was working out, admiring someone else’s figure and wondering why I don’t look like that. I stopped myself and had to give myself a pep talk. Why do we as human beings compare ourselves with those around us, or those we see in the media, or on social media? Each of us is unique, and in terms of our bodies, we are all built differently, our skeletal systems, muscle mass, metabolisms, it makes no sense to compare ourselves with anyone, we’re not all playing with the same equipment. After my little pep talk mid-workout I had to laugh at myself, thinking, you know better, but we all do it at some point, and the trick is to change our thinking and appreciate who are we, what we’ve been through, how hard we work, and for the many ways we are all blessed. So, how do we do that if we’re stuck in comparison mode? Here are a few ways to get you back on the road of self-appreciation and self-love.

1) Focus on your victories. As much as we live in a culture of always wanting more, and wanting it bigger and faster, we need to focus on our own successes, what we’ve accomplished and overcome to get to where we are today. When we focus on our own personal wins we don’t tend to compare ourselves to the other people around us, we may have people in our lives who inspire us, or push us to the next level of being our best selves, that’s healthy, but you can’t compare apples and oranges, none of us are exactly the same, so focus on you and what others are doing becomes less significant in our lives.

2) Focus on the bigger things in life. It can be easy to caught up in wanting material things, but those things don’t give back to us. When we focus on giving back, on love, on empathy towards others, on humility, and being part of a community we tend to compare ourselves less to those around us. Make sure your time is spent on things that matter most, not just things to puff up your ego or to collect as trophies.

3) Appreciate others instead of competing against them. We live in a competitive world, and a little healthy competition can be good, but not when it becomes the sole purpose for you doing anything, and winning becomes your most important goal. Learn to work with others, compliment them when they do well, and work together as a team, when we build relationships and a community around us we don’t find the need to compete for the spotlight and to always be the best.

4) No one is perfect. I’ve talked about this before. We’re all here to learn. We all make mistakes…that’s how we learn. If we’re not making mistakes we’re not learning, we’re not growing, we’re not pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone to move on to where we’re supposed to be, we’re staying stuck. Every triumph comes with obstacles, so no one is getting a free ride over you. When we look at others through this perspective it helps us find compassion for them, and us, and it helps us connect with them instead of looking at them like they’re our competition.

5) You’re only competing against yourself. Really, at the end of the day, you are your only competition. You are the only one if playing with the exact same circumstances, tools, and parameters as you. Only you can compete against you. Let that be your motivation, your guide, your push, to be a better you than you were yesterday.

When we focus on ourselves, what we can be doing to broaden our world, to challenge ourselves and to give back we lose the need to compare ourselves to others and to put ourselves down for not being something we can never be, someone else. Celebrate who you are and were you’ve come from, and, set some attainable goals to challenge yourself and be your best you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you constantly compare yourself to others? What about those people do you admire, or envy? Why do you think you can’t have a version of those things for yourself? We can never be someone else or have their exact life, and even if we could we’d probably find it wasn’t as rosy as we made it out to be in our minds, so of those things you admire, what can you do to find those or work on those in your life? How’s that self-love coming along SLAYER? Making progress? Or still struggling? Write down 5 things you admire about yourself, that you cannot buy. Write down 5 things you overcame last year that you are proud of. Now make a list of 5 things you would like to overcome this year. Get to work SLAYER, it’s all within your reach.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are your only limit.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Comfort Zone

The Signs Are There

When I go about my day I always look for the signs, those things that are pointing me in the right direction, showing me the way, the people I am meant to have in my life, and new things that will open my eyes to a new direction or something I might enjoy. Those signs have always been there, but when I was living my life in the darkness I couldn’t see them. Or, didn’t want to see them. Thinking back, there were many signs I chose to ignore because it meant I had to change, or do some work, or say goodbye to something that wasn’t really good for me but I enjoyed hanging on to, either to continue to punish myself, or to keep myself on the same dark path I was on. My line of sight was so dark and so narrow I didn’t see much of anything except what I chose to see. But when I stepped into the light I started to see a new world around me, one full of signs and signals to where I was supposed to go, where I wanted to go, or where I was open to going, they were there, not always at the exactly moment when I wanted them, or asked for them, although sometimes they were, but they popped up when I needed them, when I was ready for them, when I chose to see them. When we find ourselves feeling directionless, or at loss of where to go next, as many of you know, I’m a huge advocate of asking for what you want, so say it out loud, tell people about it, the act of getting it out there can many times bring surprising results, and we may realize that what we want isn’t that far out of reach. But sometimes it takes a little more than just saying it out loud, it takes us being open to it, and living our lives in away that allows us to see the signs. So, how do we do this?

Develop A Desire To Receive The universe is always sending us messages, trying to help us to where we want and/or should go. But we have to be open to seeing and hearing what’s coming our way, not just looking for the signs we want to see and hear. What may come to us may not be what we’re looking for, but it’s what we need, so being open to not only receiving those signs, but being open to the idea that it may bring us to unexpected places. Let yourself be a vessel to take in what is being sent to you, without filtering out what you think you don’t want.

Be Alert Pay attention to the people, places and things around you, even the song that comes on the radio. Signs can come to us in many different ways, and at any time, but if our faces are buried in our phones, or we’re set in our mind that a sign can only look and feel a certain way, we’re going to miss them. Take some time to look around each day, to engage with life, and those around you, to take a moment or two to be quiet with yourself, the answers do come when we look, and we allow ourselves to see.

Look For Patterns If you’re unsure about what’s coming your way, or can’t make sense of it, keep a log, write it down, sometimes it’s easier to piece things together when you can see it on the page rather than just thoughts bouncing around in your head, look for patterns, similarities, things that connect the signs you are getting. Sometimes it’s that we’re not getting the point, so we’ll keep getting the same signs, or we’re ignoring them, if we’re meant to be somewhere we are not, the universe will keep sending the same signs until we get off our butts and go there, or do what we’re supposed to do, so, if you keep getting the same things, take a look at that, and why you haven’t gone there or done it yet.

Surrender Whatever comes your way you have to surrender to it and learn to work as one with the universe and stop trying to manipulate what the signs are that come your way to bend them into what you’re looking for. Surrender and be open to where you may be guided to go next.

Keep It Simple It’s easy to over complicate things and put words in the universe’s mouth where we may not have complete answers, but the universe works in simple ways, if you don’t have enough information yet, stay open, and keeping surrendering to the process, the universe will give you the information when the time is right, or in a way you’ll understand, so stop trying to help things along by trying to finish the job yourself. Keep things simple, listen, and wait.

The biggest ally you have is the universe. The universe is on your side and is sending you love, but you have to be open to receive it, and surrender to the process of it’s guidance of where you’re supposed to be. There are no short cuts in life, you either learn how to dance to it’s rhythm, or trip over your two left feet.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you notice signs in your life guiding you to where you’re supposed to be? Name some. If not, why do you think you’re not seeing them? What gets in your way? How do you think you can overcome them? Do you think you have an open mind to the signs you are given, or do you only look for the signs you want to see? Are you able to surrender to the signs you find? If not, why? When you haven’t surrendered and have moved forward on your own anyways, what was the result of that? Do you see, looking back, that you may have been directed a different way? Do you believe the universe cares for you and wants the best for you? If not, why? Are these ideas based on fact, or based in your own self-loathing or self-love issues? What if you tried SLAYER, to think of the universe as your ally, to try to work together with it, to look and listen to what it’s telling you, and to take action where it’s showing you to. What if you stopped running your life on self-will and started to let go to the next indicated right action? I challenge you to SLAYER. You may be surprised what you’ll find.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Honestly Honest

We’ve all heard the saying “honesty is the best policy,” and it is, so why are so many of us afraid of being honest? We may be afraid of being judged, afraid of upsetting the other person, afraid of being seen as different, or just afraid to speak our minds. But when we don’t speak up we typically don’t forget what we didn’t say, it stays with us, playing again and again in our heads like a song on repeat and we beat ourselves up for not speaking our truth. Now, speaking our truth can be tricky, sometimes our truth, or honest opinion, may not be the popular opinion, or what everyone wants to hear, but if we don’t speak up many times it turns into a resentment, either towards the person or people we didn’t speak up to, or ourselves for keeping our mouth shut when we should have spoken up. Being afraid is never a reason not to do anything. So how do we learn to walk through that fear and share our true thoughts with those around us?

1) Stay Calm And Take A Moment. Again, life is not a game show there are no points for speaking up first and having the fastest response. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a moment, breathe, even step away for a second to collect your thoughts. It’s OK to say you need a moment, you don’t have to come up with something right away. Sometimes taking a step back is just what you need gather your thoughts in a concise and clear way so you can share them in a way that will be easily understood. If it’s something you’re very emotional about, definitely give yourself some time, letting your emotions take over will not help you convey what you’re wanting to say in a way that will open the door to a healthy and calm discussion.

2) Be Confident. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and yours is just as important as anyone else’s, so don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Speaking up also opens the door to a conversation or discussion, something that is always useful and understanding and getting to know those around you, and, also yourself. If you feel strongly about something, speak up, share it, and also be open to listen to other people’s points of view. Again, as always, we all have our own perspectives and even though you’re feeling very strongly about yours, there are always different sides to each story or situation, so don’t be afraid to share yours, but allow others to share theirs as well.

3) Overcome Your Fear. You may be fearful of being made fun of, or being listed as difficult, or different, but don’t put so much weight into what other people think, what’s important is what you think and that you’re expressing that. Now, we as SLAYERS don’t set out to say things we know will purposely hurt or anger someone else, we share our thoughts in a thoughtful and mindful way, but we don’t amend our thoughts to appease someone else. People typically will appreciate your honesty with them, even if it differs from their own opinion, they’ll usually respect that you shared your thoughts with them. If they don’t, then that tells you something about who they are and your relationship with them, that’s a red flag and not a good sign of a healthy relationship.

4) Use Your Problem Solving Skills. If there is a differing of opinion, this is an opportunity to work on your problem solving skills. To see if you can find a middle ground or resolution to our differing of opinions. Keeping an open mind and letting others talk are two to elements to this, and you may find that after hearing what they have to say, you may alter your own opinion, or maybe not, but just going into a discussion with the mindset that you are open to new ideas, while sharing your own, can bring an amicable sense of energy to a discussion which opens the door to having a good outcome.

Always be confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Your opinion is unique to you, and your thoughts are valid. If someone has wronged you, has asked for your opinion, or you’re working together on project, speak your mind, collaborate, and be open to other perspectives, you just maybe surprised how easy speaking up can be, and how when you do you gain more confidence, self-esteem, and a stronger sense of self.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you speak your mind when you have an opinion? If not, why not? Do you have fear around being honest with people? Why do you think you do? Are the reasons you have fear around speaking your mind valid fears based in facts? Or are they old narratives from your past that are no longer your truth today? If they are your truth today, what does this tell you about the people you have chosen to surround yourself with? Are there better choices you can be making with the people you have in your life? I challenge you SLAYER to speak your mind this week, to share your opinion, or speak up if you feel you have something to say, the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and, if you take a misstep, that’s a part of the process, that is how we learn, but if we are open an honest we are not hiding our true selves and walking around with unsaid ideas and opinions that are taking up valuable space in our minds, let them out and show your real you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Happy New Year SLAYER! Today is the first page of a 365 page book, you get to choose your own adventure, write a good one.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Can

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Let go of the results and trust the journey, the journey itself is the point, and when we stay out of the way we often find that what we are seeking may be within reach, or, that the path to it lies ahead.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stormy

The Journey Is The Point

I am boarding a plane today to go home after a vacation and as I got up I thought to myself, ugh, wish I could just blink my eyes and just be home. The thought of getting to the airport, checking in, getting on the plane, sitting on the plane, getting home from the airport, just seems daunting, even though I’ve done it hundreds and hundreds of times, I just want to get to the end. It made me think about life and how many times we don’t want to go through the process, we just want to get to the finish line, but whole point to all of this is the journey itself, even more so than the actual goal. The journey is where we need stamina, it’s where we learn, grow, it challenges us, it may defeat us temporarily, but it’s about getting back up and continuing on, battling on, to get to where we want to go, it’s all in the journey.

When I think back to where I’ve come from, literally knees on the floor, lost, lower than low, beaten at my own game, all I wanted at the moment was to get better, I don’t even know if I knew what that meant, I just wanted to stop hating myself, lying to myself, and those around me, and I knew I didn’t want to die, so I set foot on a new journey, one of hope, love, and empowerment, my step was shaky and very unsure, but I kept stepping, moving forward, and with the help of many I kept stepping, and today I continue to step, you see, I realize, almost 12 years on this path, that it’s the journey that is most important, that it’s all about the journey, and I now look at it as a positive experience, not just a bunch of things I need to do or experience to get better. The journey has taught me how to be a better person, how to be loving to myself, how to trust people, how to put my ego aside and do what’s right, and how to trust that no matter where I am on the path, that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. If we sprint to the finish line we miss all the good stuff along the way, we may still get there, but we’ve cheated ourselves out of all the juicy stuff along the way, the stuff that ultimately makes us us.

In a society of quick fixes, of short-cuts, apps, virtual assistants, we forget sometimes that life, the good stuff anyway, comes with some old-fashioned work, some roll-up-your-sleeves, get in the dirt, hard, sometimes dirty, work, and that it’s in the work that we become who we are meant to be, who we can be, who we can be proud of. I always say, life is not a game show, we don’t get extra points for speed, so why not slow down, enjoy the process, and trust that you are being guided to what’s next, when you are meant to be there, and until then look around a bit, see what there is to see, do the work you see in front of you, and let yourself be open to new doors that may open, new paths, new journeys that await you. Don’t get so focused on that one thing you’re after, you’re chasing, that might only be the carrot that is meant to lead you to someplace else you don’t even know about yet, so let yourself explore and be open to new ideas. And, don’t be afraid of the work. Trust the work, dive in to the work, learn to look at it as a good thing, something positive, because with it comes change.

We as SLAYERS don’t run away from the work, we dive in, taking breaks if we need to, but getting back to it to SLAY on. Look at the journey as part of the good stuff, when we give ourselves to the journey, the journey always gives back to us. I’ll try to remember that while standing in line at the airport this afternoon. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to want to rush to the end without doing the work? Do you procrastinate in doing the work because you look at it as a negative, something you don’t want to do, putting it off? Why do you think you have a negative view of the work? When you’ve worked toward a goal or for something in the past can you see how the work gave you something back? What did it give you? Do you often only see the one way or goal you have in mind and possibly miss other opportunities that may be in front of you? What stops you from trying new things? What if you did try new things? What if you started to look at the journey as something exciting? Something positive. Something that will make reaching that goal even sweeter. I challenge you to do that SLAYER, next time you have to roll up your sleeves and get to work, look for ways to make it fun, to make someone else’s day, to give yourself an opportunity to learn and grow from it, to find a way to SLAY THE DAY.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t take things personally. Rarely do people do things because of you, they do them because of them.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Personal

It’s Not Personal

Most of the time how people react to us is not personal, not to us anyway, it’s their own battle that they’re fighting and we just happen to be at the receiving end of it. There’s that quote, we’ve seen it many times, “Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about,” but it’s true. Many times the person themselves may not know the battle their fighting and they may think their battle is with you. It’s not. We also can take on that battle thinking when someone lashes out at us, or disappoints or hurts us, that it’s personal, typically, it’s not. At the end of the day we are all responsible for ourselves, we are all responsible for how we act and react in any given situation, our job is us, what we say and do, not what others are saying and doing. If someone hurts us, taking it personally is like taking on someone else’s battle, we cannot fight for them, so our job really is to express how we feel, see if an understanding can come from that conversation, and then letting it go. We all at some point have, and will, hurt people in our lives, or let them down, as I’ve written about in the past, people can’t always be who we want them to be, and, we can’t always be who people want us to be, and when that happens, it’s not personal. If we’re feeling like every action that is done is a personal attack on who we are, or meant to hurt us, there is work to be done on our part, work that will make our walk through life an easier one, as we stop thinking and reacting like everything is our fault, or meant to hurt us. So, how do we stop taking things personally?

1) Find Our Own Self-Worth. Stop worrying about what other people think of you. What’s most important is what you think of you. If you are confident in who you are and how you conduct yourself with others, knowing your true intention while treating others with respect, then you have no reason to take things personally. When we walk through life with self-doubt, or self-hatred, we place importance, or use other’s approval to give us confidence, or to feel fulfilled, so when we don’t get a positive response we feel deflated or let down. Find confidence in yourself, of who you are and what you have to offer, you are enough, find a way to accept and embrace that.

2) Stay Right-Sized. Often we can put too much emphasis on people, places and things, making them more important in our lives than ourselves. Or, we, in an attempt to protect ourselves, blow our own sense of self up to epic proportions, so when someone does or says something we don’t like, we immediately take it personally and get hurt. Keep yourself and the situations in your life right-sized, give them the appropriate amount of attention or value in your life.

3) Live A Full Life. When we live a full live we are too busy living our life to care about each reaction or seemingly negative reaction that we encounter. We’re not dwelling on each interaction and over analyzing what was said or done, we’re busy, we’re on to the next and not looking for problems where there aren’t any. Engage in life, do the things you love, with people you love, and make sure your life is well-rounded, putting all of your eggs in one basket is giving too much power to that one basket, spread yourself around, try new things, challenge yourself to get out and engage with life, when our life is full, the small things fall away and we no longer have time to dwell on them.

4) Stop Giving Your Power Away. When you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself you’ve given your power away, and, you become reliant on the unpredictability of those around you to make you feel good about yourself. That’s your job. Never give others that power over you, never let them be your sole source of self-worth and love, you will be constantly let down, that job is yours and yours alone, find your own self-worth and what others say and do becomes less important because you know who you are and what you intended to do.

5) Perspective. Find a way to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. Not to make excuses for their behavior, but to maybe come to an understanding of why they may have reacted that way, finding compassion, or understanding for those around us can help us see things through their eyes, and not only not take what they’ve said and done not personally, but may also help you understand them better, and, by sharing with them, you may even be able to help them walk through the issue that caused them to act out in the first place.

When we live life as our true selves, when we have found love for who we are and our lives, what is said and done around us becomes less important. If our intentions our true, and we set out to be good and kind and that’s not how it was received, that’s disappointing, but it’s not our problem, and it’s not personal. Be confident in who you are and what you offer, if there is a misunderstanding, and they do happen, then talk it out, if someone has made a judgment about who you are and what you’ve done, all you can do is speak your truth, if that’s not enough, let it go. Remember, as you may struggle with your own battles, so does everyone around you, and when someone else’s battle is brought to yours, remember, it’s not personal, you just happened to walk into the middle of a battle without a weapon on a battlefield you are not meant to be on. Wave the peace flag and walk off the field.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often take what others say and do personally? Why do you think you do that? How does it serve you to do that? How does it hurt you? Write down 5 examples of situations where you took things personally. Write down why it felt personal. Only looking at the facts, was any of it actually your fault? What part did you play in it being your fault? Do you think the other person realized they may have hurt you? Do you think intended to hurt you? Do you still feel like it was personal? I challenge you this week SLAYER to let things go, to focus on you, not those around you, and fill yourself up with what makes you feel whole, with what makes you feel strong. Go out and do your best, do good, and stop worrying about what others think and do, know who you are and what you are and know that is enough. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The real magic happens when you understand your true self-worth and share that with the world.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Real