pretend

When You Ask For Help You’re Helping

Before walking this path I never wanted to ask for help. I thought asking for help made me look weak, like I didn’t know how to take care of things on my own or by asking I was  going to risk ruining that perfect facade I had spent my whole life presenting to the world, so I would try to figure thing out on my own, and for the most part, I was pretty good at it, but I was also sliding some big ongoing problems under the rug that I couldn’t find a solution to, or, didn’t want to. Now those problems I swept away, or hid, never went away, I just couldn’t see them for a while, until they surfaced once again, and when they did resurface, they were usually bigger than they were before, it was like they were lifting weights in the shadows and would come back with even more muscle power.

Now looking back it seems ridiculous to think things would just go away on their own if I pushed them away or didn’t want to see them, it’s very rare that anything will. But I was operating with a kind of magical thinking most of the time and would believe, or want to believe, that I could just make things disappear because I wanted them to, something about as logical as trying to talk yourself out of the stomach flu, talking isn’t going to get you well. It wasn’t until all of that pretending and magical thinking wore off and I was left standing in the stark reality of my existence that I finally reached out for help. I had to let go of that beautiful facade I had designed and hid behind and I had to get real and get honest. It was scary, but it felt good to no longer carry the weight of what I had been dragging behind my whole life and start to let it go, and to realize that the key to my recovery was going to be my honesty and my ability to ask for help.

It was difficult for me at first. To ask for help. My head would tell me that I was bothering the other person, that they had their own problems and didn’t have time for mine, or that they might think badly of me knowing the truth of who I was. None of that was true. In fact, me asking for help had the opposite effect. It opened many doors to new friendships, it deepened relationships I already had and by asking for help I was getting different suggestions and ideas that I hadn’t thought of on my own. I also realized that many times, my asking for help may also be helping the person I had asked. It had never occurred to me that me needing help could do anything for anyone else, but it did. I often say here at State Of Slay, that everything happens for a reason, so when we reach out to someone in need of help there’s a reason we’re drawn to reach out to the person or people we do, they might also need to hear what we have to say, or what they say to us.

Having practiced asking for help for many years now, and, being on the receiving end of people asking me for help, I know that I have been helped by their need for help, or by what I’ve said to them as a suggested solution. It has become very evident to me how someone reaching out to me with a problem, can help me just as much, and now when I reach out for help, I remind myself that I may helping the person I reach out to just as much as I will be helped. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically keep things inside, or do you ask for help when you need it? What stops you from asking for help? Have you had bad experiences in the past? Or, are you listening to a story your head tells you that may not be true? What can you do to change that story? Are you asking the right people for help, or are you asking people who will give you the response you are looking for to continue telling your negative narrative? How do you feel when someone asks you for help? Have you been helped, or been given some insight, when you’ve been asked for help? Remember SLAYER, asking for help is never a one way street, there may be reasons, beyond what we could know, why you are asking help from who you are. Never shy away from asking for help when you need it, you’re not only helping yourself, but you may just be helping someone else who may not know they’re also in need of some help that day.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Happiness and success depend on the child that you still carry within.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Inner Child

Would Little You Be Proud Of You Today

When I was little girl I used to dream about what I thought my life would be like. Now, it was things that I thought were what I should be dreaming about, and back then, that little ol’ me, didn’t know that what would make me most proud had nothing to do with “things,” but the person I could become and the ways I could share that with others. As I got older I started to feel disappointed in myself, in my eyes, I could never do things good enough or how I had imagined them in my head, I always fell short, and as I continued into adolescence, that disappointment turned to hate. I hated myself and started a very long journey of pretending to be who you wanted me to be, or who I thought you wanted me to be, to hide who I really was. I thought, if you knew the real me, you would hate me as much as I did, and as much as I would have told you back then that I didn’t care, I did care, because it was one thing for me to hate myself, but if you all did too, I didn’t think I could survive that. As a result, most of my actions were a result of the fear of that, and most of my actions abused that little girl full of dreams inside of me.

It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better, many years later, that I started to think about that little me, and recognized that she was still in there and I had done a horrible job protecting and loving her. She was really beat up, that girl, and feeling small, and so part of my job in getting well was to show her the love I had neglected to give her most of my life, and to protect her, show her it was safe, and show her that I was not only able to love her, but love myself. It helped, on those difficult days, to think of her, that little me, sitting alone feeling vulnerable, I could see her there, so when I was battling those negative voices in my head that told me I wasn’t worth fighting for, I would say, maybe not, but she is and I’m going to fight for her.

As I got better she was less shy about coming out, she learned to trust me and when I would celebrate a milestone or overcome something that used to defeat me, she was always there to celebrate and cheer me on. And as I got more confident so did she, until we started working together and learning to love who we were. There are times on this journey that I have let her down, even hurt her, but the work I’ve done allows me to go back and find her and make things right.

My life has changed a lot over the past six months. I have a lot things in my life that I wasn’t sure I would ever have. Things that you can’t buy or easily find just because you want them because they come when you’re ready for them, when you are able to share your best self and honor who you are. I was reflecting on all the good in my life today and I thought about the little me inside of myself, and tears came to my eyes as I saw her smile and felt that she was proud of me, that this was the place she used to imagine and hope for, not only in terms of where I find myself in my life, but where I find myself, in place of self-love and acceptance. It’s been a long rocky road to get to this place, and I know, no matter where the journey goes from here, that if who I am and what I’m doing doesn’t make that little me proud, then I’m on the wrong path. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think about the little you that’s inside of yourself? When you think of that person, what do you feel? Do you think that little you is proud of you today? If yes, why? If not, why? If you don’t think they are, what can you do to make them proud? To show them love? To let them know they’re safe? When you were that little person, what did you hope for for the future? Have those hopes and dreams materialized? If not, how can you work to get those things into your life? Find some time to check in with your little self and see if there is something you can do to make them proud today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Feeling Your Feelings

Before stepping on this path I never wanted to feel. Good, bad, anything. It hurt too much to feel the bad, and I didn’t think I deserved the good. So I looked for ways to stuff down my feelings, to quiet them, or if I could, numb them all together. I lived like that for the first 35 years of my life. When I think about all the things I was supposed to be feeling in those 35 years it makes me sad, because for the most part, I didn’t allow myself to feel any of it. I also didn’t share those feelings with anyone, so they just got stuffed down, feelings on top of feelings in a big heap I tried to bury as deep as I could. If anyone asked me how I was, I would always respond with, I’m fine, I wasn’t, and even that lie generated feelings I had to stuff down. The more I did it, the easier it got, but it always weighed me down as I dragged those unfelt feelings around with me and tried to pretend like they weren’t there.

When I made a commitment to get better I was also making a commitment to feel. That was scary. I had spent my whole life running away from my feelings, and now, having taken away everything I used to use to cover up my feelings I felt like I was standing alone completely vulnerable to a lifetime of pain that was coming at me like a giant tsunami and I wasn’t prepared. But what that taught me was how to get prepared. Making sure I had as many life rafts as possible, so when that wave hit, I had places to go for safety. I found that in counseling, support groups, new friends who were walking the same path, and old friends who knew me and my history, and, I found a spirituality that worked for me, that I began to find comfort in, and eventually guidance. It was hard to feel, at first, and because I had stuffed down so much for so long, it all came at me at once. Loss, grief, betrayal, disappointment, hurt, shame, abandonment, truth. All of that and more came at me, so much so there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed, and held on to my mattress to make sure I wouldn’t get blown away by the force of those waves.

I made it through that storm. It took time. And sometimes I did get knocked down by the waves, but I learned to get back up. And each time I did I got stronger, and I was better able to work through my feelings. I used to have trouble feelings things in the moment , a dear of mine would often tell me I had emotional jet lag, I wouldn’t’ feel things as they were happening, from all the years of not letting myself feel, there was a delay, from the event or moment itself, to when I actually felt it. That delay has lessened a lot, and today I do feel things when they happen, most of the time, there are still times when I don’t, and now I just observe those times and look into why I may be trying to protect myself from my feelings, and why I’ve held my feelings back.

I am proud today that I feel things in the moment. And if that brings up emotion, even in public, that’s OK. I am allowed to have feelings, no matter what they are, and I honor myself, and who I am, when I do. It’s OK to have feelings. And it’s OK to share those feelings. Because when we do they connect us to other people who also feel, and may just be feeling what you’re feeling, and when that happens, there is no better feeling in the world. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel? In not, why not? What scares you about your feelings? Have you been told not to feel? Have you stuffed down your feelings so deep that you can’t access them anymore? Do you do things to keep them stuffed own? What do you do to not feel? What if you stopped doing those things that stop you from feeling? What do you think would happen? What if you let yourself feel SLAYER, what if you made sure it was safe, found the support and guidance you need, and let yourself feel. You deserve to let go of your past and feel true feelings, and let those feelings connect you to others who feel just like you, allowing you to not feel so alone and able to be your true self in any given moment. Feel it SLAYER, let yourself feel it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You become what you hide.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Hide