personal growth journey

You Can’t Change The Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You

There is no going back.

No rewinding. No editing. No alternate ending where we made the perfect choice every time. The past is fixed. It happened. And for a long time, I let mine define me.

Before I began this healing journey, I used my past as proof that I was a victim. I told those stories in ways that supported that narrative. Sometimes I wanted sympathy. Sometimes I wanted validation. Sometimes I wanted an excuse for behavior I knew was not aligned with who I truly wanted to be.

And here is the truth I eventually had to face.

In many of those situations, I had a role. Sometimes a small one. Sometimes a big one. But denying that kept me stuck. It kept me repeating patterns. It kept me living in yesterday instead of building today.

The moment I committed to honesty, especially with myself, everything began to shift.

Owning Your Story Changes Its Power

Taking responsibility is not about blame. It is about freedom.

When I stopped pointing outward and started looking inward, I began to see patterns. Choices I had made. People I had allowed into my life. Boundaries I had not set. Truths I had ignored.

At first, that realization was uncomfortable. I had built an identity around being wronged. Letting go of that identity felt like losing something familiar.

But what I gained was far greater.

Clarity. Growth. Self respect. And the ability to change.

Once you see your patterns, you can interrupt them.

And that is where transformation begins.

The Past Only Has The Power You Give It

I used to carry shame, anger, and frustration everywhere I went. Those emotions colored how I saw myself and others. They influenced my reactions. They shaped my expectations.

But when I started living more honestly, those emotions began to loosen their grip.

I learned to ask different questions:

What did I learn?
What would I do differently now?
What boundaries do I need moving forward?
What forgiveness is necessary for peace?

Sometimes forgiveness was for someone else. Sometimes it was for myself. Often it was both.

And slowly, the past stopped feeling like a prison and started feeling like a teacher.

Patterns Become Signals Instead Of Traps

One of the biggest gifts of reflection is recognition.

When you understand your patterns, familiar situations begin to feel different. You notice warning signs earlier. You pause before reacting. You make decisions with awareness instead of autopilot.

Early on, I often did not know what the “right” response was. So I learned something important.

Pause.

Life is not a game show. There is no prize for responding fastest. Taking time to think, to ask questions, or to seek guidance is not weakness. It is wisdom.

And with practice, better decisions become more natural.

That is growth in action.

Changing Today Rewrites Tomorrow

You cannot rewrite the past, but you absolutely shape what comes next.

When we act with honesty, integrity, and awareness, the weight of past mistakes lightens. They stop defining us because we are no longer repeating them.

We admit when we are wrong. We make amends when possible. We learn. We adjust. We grow.

And suddenly, the past becomes context instead of identity.

That shift is powerful.

It creates space for self respect. Confidence. Peace.

Healing Requires Compassion Too

Responsibility does not mean harsh self judgment.

Some experiences truly were outside our control. Some situations were painful, unfair, or confusing. Acknowledging that is part of healing too.

The key is balance.

Accountability where we had choice. Compassion where we did not.

Both are necessary for emotional freedom.

And both allow us to move forward without dragging the past behind us.

You Are Allowed To Outgrow Who You Were

This might be the most important part.

You are not required to remain the person you were during your hardest seasons.

Growth means evolution. Awareness means change. Healing means forward movement.

Your past informs you.

It does not imprison you.

And every day offers a chance to choose differently.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: When you think about your past, what emotions come up most strongly?

L: What patterns or choices do you now recognize that you could approach differently today?

A: Where might forgiveness, either for yourself or someone else, create more peace in your life?

Y: What is one small action you can take today that reflects who you are becoming rather than who you were?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
How have you learned to reinterpret your past so it supports your growth instead of holding you back?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who needs permission to move forward without being defined by yesterday, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Setting Them Free Frees You

There was a time in my life when I thought holding onto anger meant strength.
That if I stayed upset long enough, if I replayed what happened often enough, somehow justice would balance itself out.

But the truth I eventually had to face was much simpler and much harder:

Resentment does not bind the other person. It binds you.

And when I finally understood that, everything about forgiveness started to shift.

Because letting someone go was never about them.
It was always about me.

About my peace.
My energy.
My ability to move forward without dragging the past behind me like a heavy suitcase I never unpacked.

And maybe you have felt that too.

When Anger Becomes an Attachment

Holding resentment creates a strange connection.
Even if someone is no longer physically in your life, emotionally they still occupy space.

You think about them.
You replay conversations.
You imagine what you would say if given another chance.
You rehearse arguments in your head that may never happen.

I have done all of that.

And honestly, it was exhausting.

There is a saying that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I resisted that idea at first because it felt too dramatic.

But over time I saw how accurate it was.

My sleep suffered.
My mood shifted.
My joy dimmed.
And none of it affected the other person at all.

That realization was sobering.

Because suddenly it was clear: I was not punishing them.
I was punishing myself.

Forgiveness Is Not About Letting Them Off the Hook

This part is important, and I wish someone had said it to me sooner.

Forgiveness does not mean:

  • What happened was acceptable

  • You have to reconnect with the person

  • You forget the experience

  • You stop having feelings about it

Forgiveness simply means you decide not to keep carrying the emotional weight anymore.

That is it.

You are not excusing behavior.
You are reclaiming your peace.

And honestly, that is one of the most self loving choices you can make.

My Turning Point

For me, the shift happened gradually, not all at once.

I realized that staying angry kept me anchored in moments I did not want to relive.
It kept my attention focused backward instead of forward.

And I had worked too hard on healing, growth, and self awareness to keep sacrificing my peace for someone else’s actions.

So I started asking myself a different question:

Does holding onto this help me become who I want to be?

The answer was always no.

Every single time.

That is when I began to understand that setting someone free emotionally was actually setting myself free.

What Letting Go Actually Looks Like

Forgiveness is rarely a dramatic moment.
It is often a quiet internal decision.

Sometimes it looks like:

Choosing not to revisit the story again
Deciding not to engage in conversations that reopen the wound
Redirecting your energy toward your own life
Allowing space for new experiences

And sometimes it is as simple as saying, internally:

“I release this. I deserve peace.”

You do not even have to tell the other person.

Often, forgiveness is an entirely private act.

Steps That Helped Me Move Forward

There was no single formula, but there were a few things that consistently helped.

Acceptance

I had to accept that the event happened exactly as it did.
Not how I wished it had happened.
Not how I thought it should have happened.

Just reality.

Acceptance removes the constant mental argument with the past.

And that alone can bring enormous relief.

Finding Growth

Even painful situations carry information.

Sometimes they teach us boundaries.
Sometimes they sharpen our intuition.
Sometimes they show us what we will never tolerate again.

Growth does not justify the hurt.
But it can transform it.

And transformation is powerful.

Perspective

Looking at situations from another angle does not excuse behavior.
It simply broadens understanding.

People act from their own wounds, fears, and limitations.

Recognizing that helped me detach emotionally without minimizing my experience.

Checking What Serves You

This was the biggest one for me.

Does holding onto anger improve your life?
Your health?
Your relationships?
Your happiness?

Usually, it does not.

Letting go often serves you far more than staying angry ever could.

Creating Closure Yourself

Sometimes, closure never comes externally.

No apology.
No explanation.
No final conversation.

Learning to create closure internally is a life skill.

Writing a letter you never send.
Talking it through with a trusted friend.
Praying, meditating, journaling.

Whatever works for you.

Closure is not always given.
Sometimes it is chosen.

Freedom Is the Real Goal

When I released resentments, I noticed something surprising:

I had more energy.
More creativity.
More patience.
More emotional bandwidth for the people who actually deserved it.

Forgiveness cleared space.

And that space allowed joy back in.

Not immediately.
But steadily.

Protecting Peace Going Forward

Forgiveness does not mean repeating patterns.

In fact, it often makes boundaries clearer.

You can forgive and still:

Limit contact
Change how you engage
Choose distance
Protect your emotional well-being

Forgiveness and boundaries are not opposites.
They often work together beautifully.

A Note From My Heart to Yours

If you are holding onto anger right now, I get it.

Truly.

There were times I thought I would never let certain things go.
Times I believed my anger was justified and permanent.

But I promise you this:

Peace feels better than being right.
Freedom feels better than holding a grudge.
Healing feels better than staying stuck.

You deserve that.

Not someday.
Now.

SLAY Reflection

Surrender
What resentment are you currently carrying?

Listen
How does holding onto it affect your emotional well-being?

Accept
Can you accept the reality of what happened without rewriting it?

Yield
What would letting go create space for in your life?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I would love to hear from you.
Have you ever experienced freedom after letting go of resentment or forgiving someone?

Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who might need this reminder, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

You Are Not Alone

There was a time in my life when I felt deeply alone. Not occasionally lonely. Not just on a quiet evening. I mean profoundly alone. I could be surrounded by people, even in a crowded room or a packed stadium, and still feel like I was standing on an island no one else could reach.

At the time, I did not realize I was playing a major role in creating that feeling. I had family who loved me, friends I enjoyed spending time with, and colleagues I looked forward to seeing. On paper, I was anything but alone. But emotionally, I had built walls so thick that connection could not get through.

And those walls were built from fear.

Fear that if people saw the whole me, the imperfect parts, the struggling parts, the uncertain parts, they might not like what they saw. Fear that if I admitted I was not always OK, people might judge me, reject me, or quietly drift away. So I kept smiling. I kept performing. I kept everything that mattered most locked inside.

From the outside, everything looked fine. From the inside, it felt like isolation.

The Illusion of Being Alone

Here is something I learned that changed everything. Feeling alone is not always about who is around you. Often, it is about how much of yourself you allow to be seen.

I could sit with friends, laugh, share stories, and still feel disconnected because I was protecting myself rather than connecting. I was editing my truth in real time. I was maintaining an image rather than building a relationship.

That kind of distance adds up. Over time, it starts to feel like an ocean between you and everyone else. You watch others seem connected and supported while you stand on your own emotional shoreline, wondering why you cannot feel the same.

For me, the turning point came when the effort of hiding became more exhausting than the fear of being seen.

The Moment Everything Shifted

I remember the first time I truly opened up. I was terrified. My hands were shaking. I had never shared what I considered the messy or imperfect parts of my life. I honestly did not know how it would land.

But I also knew something important. Continuing to carry everything alone was not sustainable. Emotionally, mentally, and physically, it was taking a toll.

So I reached out to someone I trusted. I spoke honestly. Not polished. Not perfect. Just real.

And what came back was not judgment. It was understanding. It was compassion. It was love.

That moment cracked something open inside me. It showed me that vulnerability does not push the right people away. It often pulls them closer.

Connection Requires Courage

When I started sharing more openly with others in my life, something remarkable happened. People showed up. They listened. They supported me. They shared their own stories. And suddenly I saw something clearly.

Everyone is carrying something.

Some people hide it better than others. Some people have not yet found safe spaces to share. But the idea that you are the only one struggling is almost always an illusion created by silence.

Connection happens when honesty enters the room.

That does not mean oversharing with everyone. It means choosing safe people and allowing yourself to be known by them.

And yes, sometimes people will step back. That happened to me too. A few relationships changed. But I learned an important lesson. The people who stay when you are real are the people meant to walk alongside you.

Building Your Circle

We are living in a time when connection can happen in more ways than ever before. Geography is less of a barrier. Shared interests bring people together. Communities form around healing, growth, creativity, spirituality, mental health, and personal development.

Your people might already be in your life. Or they might be waiting for you to find them.

The key is willingness.

Willingness to open up. Willingness to risk being seen. Willingness to believe you deserve connection and support.

And if you are part of this State Of Slay community, know this. We are building that circle together. A space where growth, honesty, and support are not just encouraged but celebrated.

There is real strength in community. Individually, we can accomplish incredible things. Together, we become resilient in ways we never imagined.

You Get To Choose Connection

Today, I do not feel alone the way I once did. Not because life is perfect. Not because challenges disappeared. But because I no longer isolate myself emotionally.

I choose connection.

I choose honesty.

I choose to let people in.

And when you do that, you realize something powerful. You were never truly alone. You were just carrying more by yourself than you needed to.

You do not have to do that anymore.

You are not alone.

SLAY Reflection

S — See the Truth
When do you feel most alone? Is it actually about who is around you or what you are holding back?

L — Let Yourself Be Seen
Is there someone safe you could open up to this week? What stops you?

A — Allow Support
How does it feel when someone truly listens to you? Can you let yourself receive that?

Y — Your Next Step
What is one small action you can take today to build connection instead of isolation?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I would love to hear from you.
When have you felt alone, and what helped you reconnect with others?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who might need this reminder, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.