Life

To Become Who You Truly Are, You Have to Let Go of Who They Told You to Be

For much of my life, I tried to be who they told me to be.

The “they” was everywhere—teachers, parents, partners, bosses, social media, society. Each one had a version of me they preferred. I wore those versions like outfits, hoping one of them would finally feel like me. But deep down, I always knew: I was playing a part written by someone else.

When You Live for Them, You Lose Yourself

Every time I molded myself to fit their expectations, I lost another piece of who I was. I became quieter when they said I was too much. I smiled when I wanted to cry. I said yes when everything inside me screamed no.

I wanted to be accepted so badly, I started rejecting myself.

Eventually, I reached a breaking point. I was exhausted. Not from being myself, but from not being myself. I had no idea who I was anymore—but I knew I couldn’t keep pretending. That was the first step.

Forget Who They Told You to Be

To find my true self, I had to unlearn the lies I’d been told:

  • That I was too sensitive.
  • That I needed to tone it down.
  • That my worth depended on being agreeable, pretty, polite, perfect.

None of that was me. It was who they needed me to be so they could be comfortable.

But I wasn’t born to make other people comfortable.

So I started letting go. I peeled back the layers of conditioning, people-pleasing, and perfectionism—and underneath, I found someone real. Someone strong. Someone worth knowing.

Becoming You Is a Brave Act

Choosing to be yourself—your real self—isn’t always easy. It might upset people. It might confuse them. It might even mean walking away from relationships or roles that no longer fit.

But becoming who you truly are is the most powerful act of self-love there is.

Every time you choose authenticity over approval, you build a life that actually feels like yours. And trust me, there is nothing more freeing than that.

You don’t have to be who they told you to be. You get to decide who you are.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Who told you who you “should” be?
  2. What roles or expectations are you still carrying that don’t feel like your own?
  3. When have you felt most like yourself?
  4. What’s one way you can show up more authentically today?
  5. What would your life look like if you stopped living for their approval?

S-L-A-Y:

  • Shed the stories that don’t belong to you.
  • Live your truth—loudly and unapologetically.
  • Acknowledge who you’ve always been beneath the noise.
  • You are allowed to become someone they don’t recognize.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What part of yourself are you reclaiming today?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck in a role they never chose, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Find Your People, Find Your Truth

For most of my life, I felt like a chameleon. I’d shift and mold myself to fit the people I was around. I convinced myself that if I acted the way they wanted—or the way I thought they wanted—I’d finally belong. But deep down, it didn’t feel right. And often, I’d leave those interactions feeling drained and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?”

I’d watch others with envy. They seemed to flow effortlessly through social situations, forming connections with ease. I couldn’t understand why it felt so hard for me. Why did it feel like everyone else had the key to belonging, while I was stuck on the outside looking in? I’d analyze every interaction, wondering what I did wrong, why I couldn’t seem to fit.

The truth is, it wasn’t about being wrong. It was about being in the wrong rooms.

The Missing Piece: Discovering Self-Truth

It wasn’t until I began my journey of self-discovery that the truth hit me: there was nothing wrong with me. I just wasn’t with the right people. I wasn’t being true to myself, and I wasn’t choosing connections that were aligned with who I really was—because, if I’m honest, I didn’t even know who I really was.

I’d spent so long being a version of myself that I thought others wanted me to be, that I lost touch with my core. The parts of me that were silly, passionate, curious, and maybe a little bit weird were buried under layers of trying to fit in. I muted my personality. I downplayed my dreams. I laughed at jokes I didn’t find funny. I agreed with opinions I didn’t fully believe in. All because I thought that was the way to be accepted.

But acceptance built on pretending is fragile. It’s conditional. It’s a house of cards ready to collapse the moment you stop performing.

Those people I admired weren’t more skilled or more likable than me—they were just authentic. They were showing up as themselves, unfiltered and unafraid. I, on the other hand, was performing a version of me I thought was acceptable. And in doing so, I was hiding the parts of myself that actually made me unique and magnetic.

Why Authenticity Feels So Hard

For so many of us, the idea of being our true selves feels risky. Maybe we’ve been hurt in the past when we showed vulnerability. Maybe we’ve faced rejection, criticism, or ridicule. Maybe we grew up in environments where it wasn’t safe to be fully seen. Over time, we learn to armor up. We put on masks. We adapt.

But here’s the thing: that armor may protect us from pain, but it also shields us from connection. When we hide our truth, we also hide our light.

The reason social situations felt so hard for me wasn’t because I was broken or unlikable. It was because I wasn’t showing up as me. I was exhausted from pretending. And deep down, I felt the ache of knowing that I wasn’t being true to myself.

The Shift: Coming Home to Yourself

Everything changed when I started to get curious about who I really was. I asked myself hard questions:

  • What do I truly value?
  • What brings me joy?
  • What kind of people energize me instead of draining me?
  • What parts of myself have I been hiding, and why?

The answers were both surprising and freeing. I realized that the right people—the ones who would become my “chosen family”—weren’t the ones I had to impress. They were the ones who loved me for me. They were the ones who felt easy to be around, where conversations flowed, laughter was real, and silence was comfortable.

I stopped chasing approval from people who didn’t value my authenticity. I started prioritizing connections that felt reciprocal, nourishing, and aligned with my values. Slowly, my circle shifted. And with it, so did my confidence.

Finding Your People

Finding your people doesn’t happen overnight. It takes patience and courage. It requires being honest with yourself about the relationships in your life:

  • Are you giving more than you’re receiving?
  • Do you feel energized or depleted after spending time with them?
  • Do you feel safe enough to be fully yourself?

If the answer to any of those questions is “no,” it might be time to reevaluate.

Here’s what I’ve learned: the right people will get you. You won’t have to explain yourself or perform. They’ll love your quirks, celebrate your wins, and hold space for your struggles. They’ll lift you up, not tear you down.

And the beautiful thing is, when you start showing up as your true self, you naturally attract those people. Authenticity is magnetic. When you let your real light shine, it draws others who resonate with that light.

The Liberation of Letting Go

One of the hardest but most liberating steps is letting go of relationships that no longer serve you. It doesn’t mean those people are bad or wrong; it just means they’re not your people.

Letting go creates space—space for new connections, space for self-growth, and space for deeper alignment. It allows you to breathe easier, to trust more, and to open your heart to those who are meant to walk this journey with you.

I promise you this: when you find your people, you’ll look back and realize that you were never broken or wrong. You were simply waiting for the right connections to show you how beautiful and worthy you’ve always been.

Your Light Is Needed

Here’s what I want you to remember, SLAYER: you don’t have to dim your light to fit in. The world doesn’t need a watered-down version of you. It needs you—fully, unapologetically, courageously you.

When you find your people, everything clicks into place. Life feels easier. Conversations feel more meaningful. Connections deepen. And you start to trust yourself in ways you never thought possible.

Because finding your people isn’t just about them—it’s about you finding yourself. It’s about coming home to your truth and realizing that you were never meant to fit in. You were meant to stand out.

SLAY Reflection

Take a moment to reflect and journal on these questions, SLAYER:

  • S: Where in your life are you still trying to fit in instead of standing out?
  • L: What relationships make you feel most like yourself? How can you nurture those?
  • A: Who or what do you need to let go of to make space for the right people?
  • Y: What’s one brave step you can take today to embrace your authenticity and attract your true community?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you found your people, or are you still searching?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to find their place, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Go Where Your Voice is Needed

There comes a time in life when you realize—not every space is meant for you. Not every conversation needs your input. And not every audience is ready—or even willing—to hear what you have to say.

For years, I believed I had to be everywhere, say everything, and make sure I was heard. Even if it meant squeezing into spaces that didn’t feel right. I thought that was how you made an impact. Be louder. Be present. Be seen.

But experience has taught me something far more powerful:

True empowerment comes from going where your voice is needed, not where it’s merely tolerated.

It’s a shift from trying to fit in to standing tall where you belong.

The Myth of Being Everywhere

We’re bombarded with messages telling us to “show up everywhere.” Post more. Be visible. Stay relevant. Hustle harder.

But visibility does not equal value.

When you stretch yourself thin trying to be in all the rooms, you lose something essential—clarity. The more you chase attention, the more disconnected you become from your true message.

Impact isn’t about volume. It’s about resonance.

The power of your voice isn’t in how many people hear it, but in who hears it and how deeply it connects.

Quality over quantity. Alignment over attention.

Your voice deserves to be heard in spaces where it is valued—where it can make a real difference.

How to Know Where Your Voice is Needed

Not every invitation is an opportunity.

Some spaces want what you represent, not who you are. You might be included to check a box, but your actual voice? It’s sidelined.

That’s not your room.

Ask yourself:

  • Does this space genuinely value my voice?
  • Is my presence here aligned with my purpose?
  • Am I heard and respected, not just seen?

If the answers are no, it’s not your place to pour your energy into.

You deserve spaces where your contribution matters.

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

It’s human nature to stick with the familiar. But sometimes, the places we’ve outgrown are holding us back.

Finding where your voice is needed often means stepping outside your comfort zone.

Try new communities. Enter unfamiliar conversations. Build fresh connections.

You might be surprised how much common ground you discover when you truly see and hear others. Different backgrounds, same dreams. Different paths, shared values.

That’s where genuine community begins—with curiosity, openness, and the courage to explore beyond what feels safe.

Building Meaningful Connections

As we grow, so do our relationships. Not everyone who started with you is meant to go the distance. And that’s okay.

Invest in connections that:

  • Encourage your growth
  • Challenge you in meaningful ways
  • Support and celebrate your voice

The right connections won’t just tolerate your voice. They’ll make space for it. They’ll value it. They’ll help you carry it further.

The Power of Walking Away

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is knowing when to walk away.

Leaving a space that doesn’t align with you isn’t failure. It’s wisdom.

When you walk away from what no longer serves you, you create space for what does. For the right people. For meaningful conversations. For opportunities that honor your voice.

Walking away is a declaration of self-worth. You’re not here to prove yourself in rooms that don’t value you. The right spaces will invite you in, not because they have to, but because they want to hear what you have to say.

The Ripple Effect of Showing Up Authentically

When you focus your energy where it’s truly needed, you create a ripple effect.

You may not always see the immediate impact, but:

  • A story you share helps someone feel less alone.
  • A truth you speak encourages someone else to find their voice.
  • A perspective you offer opens minds and hearts.

Impact isn’t always loud.

It’s the quiet strength of showing up authentically, in the right spaces, at the right time. That’s where real change begins.

State of Slay™: The Return

Even as I stepped away to focus on other parts of my life, the State of Slay™ blogs never truly went silent. More people have been reaching out, telling me they’ve been revisiting old posts, finding guidance, connection, and reminders that they’re not alone.

And as you may have noticed, I’ve quietly been writing and uploading new posts over the last few weeks—preparing for this very moment.

So today, on the 8th anniversary of the launch of State of Slay™, I want to say it loud and clear: I’m back.

This next chapter will bring new energy, fresh stories, and the same commitment to real, vulnerable dialogue that started it all. If you’ve been wondering when the blogs would return, this is your answer.

I’m here. My voice is here. State of Slay™ is here.

Final Thoughts: Go Where Your Voice is Needed

You don’t need to force yourself into spaces that don’t align with you.

Instead:

  • Seek out rooms that resonate with your values.
  • Build relationships that amplify your voice.
  • Step out of your comfort zone to discover new communities.
  • Know when to walk away from what no longer fits.
  • Speak your truth where it will be heard and valued.

When you go where your voice is needed, you don’t just create change—you create connection, fulfillment, and purpose.

That’s where the real magic happens.

SLAY OF THE DAY

  • Are you investing energy in spaces that no longer align with your purpose?
  • What communities or conversations feel aligned with your voice?
  • When was the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone to explore something new?
  • Who in your life helps amplify your voice?
  • What’s one intentional step you can take today to bring your voice where it’s needed?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Where is your voice needed right now?
Share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s support each other in finding those spaces.

And if you know someone who needs this reminder—send it their way.
We rise when we lift each other up.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! There’s no such thing as an unimportant day.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Celebrate It All

Celebrate Life, Especially In Death

It was one year ago today that my Uncle lost his battle with cancer, and two days ago I learned of the sudden passing of a dear friend. In both cases, these men exuded light and love. They were always helping those in need, or those they felt could use some of their light. They laughed, they made others laugh, and they shared themselves, they’re true selves, with those around them. It’s always sad to say goodbye, and, so often, it takes time to even accept that such a bright soul is no longer here, although they are never far. Kevin, who passed a few days ago, has been ever present in my last few days, I’ve seen signs of him in many moments and when I do it always makes me smile and warms my heart. And, it’s a reminder that we never truly lose those we love, they stay with us, popping in and out when we may need a reminder they’re there, or, to keep us smiling. It also reminds me that even in death, we need to celebrate life. Both men did so much for others, there is much to celebrate, and in knowing both men, that is what they would have wanted, not for us to be sad and for our hearts to ache, but to laugh and remember all the good things we shared, the funny moments, the warm thoughts and times of understanding. It is in times like these that things always seem to come into the right perspective.

But, why do we often wait for a big event, or loss, to celebrate life? We should be celebrating every day, with ourselves, and those we love. In fact, we should be actively looking for each moment to celebrate who we are, who we love and how far we’ve come. Now, I don’t mean we should looking to celebrate so much that we stop doing what we need to do, but even just recognizing something, acknowledging something or honoring something, or someone, is enough to keep the celebration going. We can be so hard on ourselves and can get in a cycle of seeking out those things we’ve done wrong, or could have done better, and many times it can be difficult to look for what we’ve done right, or better, and yes, it is great to always strive to do better, but it’s just as important to acknowledge how well we’ve done, or are doing. And, remembering to celebrate those people in our lives who help us, and remind, us to celebrate ourselves, and in turn, celebrate them.

As I remember those I have lost, and all the reasons to celebrate them, it also celebrates who I am and how fortunate I have been to have had these two beautiful souls in my life. Both made my heart bigger, and I can still feel it expand when I think of them, so instead of filling my heart with sorrow, I will fill it with love and gratitude that both of these men showed me how to live life with grace and love and both showed me a version of myself I love and can celebrate today, and each and every day. Celebrate your best self today, and even your lesser self, because when we celebrate all of who we are we get better, and we learn to grow from that place, we learn to love all of our parts and that love may show others how to love theirs. Celebrate life, and the life of those who have left us, it is through our continued celebrating that their light keeps shining in our lives and allows our light to shine brighter. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you celebrate yourself, even in the difficult times? If yes, how do you celebrate? If not, why not? When you’ve lost a loved one, are you able to celebrate them and who they were? Are you able to see who you were to them? Are you able to celebrate that, and see yourself through their eyes? How do you show appreciation for who you are and what you’ve been through? Can you do more? What? Do you celebrate the people in your life? How? Can you do more? We often think people know how we feel, and they may, but it never gets old to hear that appreciation, and you never know when you may not get the opportunity to share it again. Celebrate yourself, and those around you, each day, and watch the light within, and around you, get brighter.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Large things are made up of many small things. Celebrate the small things.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Celebrate Life

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Life is happening, right now, outside your screen.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Phone

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Fear is often the result of imagined consequences rather than reality.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

state of slay fear life

The Living Dead – Numbing Parts Of Yourself And Letting Them Die Off

For most of my life I lived my life like the living dead. I was living a life, well, going through the motions, but was numbing our stuffing down those parts of me that were too painful or I didn’t want to face. I had done that for so long that it became normal to shut down my feelings and thoughts until some of them started to die off. Some of those parts I didn’t even notice were gone and others I was glad to see go because I thought it made my life easier not to feel them. I thought those parts dying off made my life easier. But what was happening is I was slowly becoming dead inside and the only thing I was making easier was for the negative voices in my head to take over and control my life.

My whole life I had tried to fill a void inside of me with outside things, something I was never able to do, and couldn’t do, but by numbing parts of myself or letting parts of me die off I made that void even bigger. My brain was telling me that this was a good thing, but what it was really doing was letting my disease progress and start to take over from those parts of me that knew better or would resist. I look back at myself at that time and I looked dead. There was no life in my eyes, and there have been times I haven’t even recognized myself in photographs. If you had asked me during that time how I was I would have said great, but I would have been lying. I would even lie to myself, but underneath my own bullshit I knew it wasn’t true, that I was dying, and I was letting it happen. It got to a point where I was almost completely dead inside, and the rest of those parts of me that hadn’t died, were in grave danger of forever being numb, but I somehow found one tiny bit of light left, one little bit of hope that I hadn’t killed off, and that little bit was enough to give me the courage to reach out for help before I had let go all together and succumbed to death itself.

Today, after many years of work and learning to love myself, I have also learned to feel my feelings without being afraid of them. No matter what life throws at me I won’t allow myself to numb what comes up, and I certainly won’t allow any piece of me to die off because I’m afraid of it. That does make some days difficult, it can be uncomfortable to sit in my feelings and then have to find a way to work through them, and I do it. I do it because I’m worth it. I’m worth the work, and I know that today. And so are you.

We are not meant to go through life numb, or let parts of us die off just so we can get by without feeling things we don’t want to feel. Those feelings are there to tell us things, to teach us things, and to guide us to where we are meant to be. Those feelings are there for a reason, so to take them away we are walking through life blind, and wandering aimlessly to whatever destination seems the easiest, and not where we are necessarily meant to be to help us grow and learn. If you find something too painful use that as in indicator to change, to seek out help, to understand why these memories or feelings have come up, there is always a reason for everything, so trust that you are experiencing exactly what you are supposed to and instead of grabbing for the nearest thing to numb those feelings, ask yourself what you can do to learn from what it is coming up, no matter how daunting that may seem, there is always a way to find your way on the other side of them, and find a way to let your inner light shine and burn bright. I was able to find my light in the darkness, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you feel uncomfortable with your feelings do you immediately try to numb them or make them go away? Why? How do you do that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? How long have you done that? Do you ever let yourself feel your feelings? What scares you about your feelings? Where you ever told you weren’t allowed to have feelings? Who told you that? Why? You are allowed SLAYER, we’re all entitled to feel what we feel, and we can use what we feel to get stronger and to let those feelings guide us to where we are meant to be next, and typically the feelings we are resisting the most are the ones that are going to teach us the most, so dive in and feel what you feel.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Life will continue to challenge us, until those challenges become better decisions.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Demonstrate