conversation

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Respond; don’t react. Listen; don’t talk. Think; don’t assume.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Response

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you speak your truth with compassion, your words have more power.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Gently

Telling The Truth In A Way It Can Be Heard

I have never been accused of being subtle. My mind works at a fast pace and my mouth is just as fast, and at times, even faster, and can belt out quick comments or opinions as I move about my day. As I’ve walked along this path I have made a conscious effort to use a filter of compassion and understanding on my mouth, but sometimes the unfiltered truth comes out as I’m running out the door, or late because of someone else’s actions or out of my own frustration, and someone gets hurt. What I say typically is the truth, or the truth as I see it, but can probably be said in a softer and gentler way. It seems that the unfiltered truth often gets used on those I love the most, perhaps my immediate response to something I have already had a discussion about or think they should know. But what I should always know is that my words can hurt, and when I feel that rush of hitting my limit of the softer and gentler way, that’s likely when I should double-down on finding that filter instead of just letting the words fly out of my mouth.

Most people are open to hearing the truth, if it’s said in a way that they can receive it. People don’t hear us when we make them wrong. People don’t hear us when when we attack their weakness. People don’t hear us if we’re if we’re telling the truth by making ourselves sound better, or when we assume they don’t understand what we mean. They will typically always hear us when we speak from the heart. That in itself can be the challenge.

Patience is something I work on every day. I have gotten a lot better with it, but when my brain gets it’s gallop going and it’s heading toward the finish line, patience can fly right out the window, and anyone that slows me down or gets in my way sometimes gets trampled on. It’s in those times I need to speak the way I would want to be spoken to. Even if I may be in the right with the truth I am saying, I need to make sure I am carefully choosing my words and the delivery of how I’m saying it or I can be just as wrong. In fact, many times, the moment someone feels spoken down to, criticized or judged they will likely shut you out, and no amount of truth will be getting in once that happens.

We may be right, but it’s not just about being right, it’s about telling the truth in the right way, in a way that can be heard, and a way that you would want to hear it. It’s then, that a conversation can take place, and progress is able to happen in that area. Also, making sure that we’re not holding back our truth until we just can’t anymore and it just come blurting out. Saying it in the moment, or when it’s appropriate, and not just appropriate for us. When we hold back the truth that frustration, resentment or anger can grow and when it finally lands on our lips it can come across much harsher than it was every meant to be, so making sure we are speaking up when we should, so that fire doesn’t burn both of you later on. Work on speaking from your heart, and thinking of the other person as a part of yourself, from that place the truth is often a lot easier to digest. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to be quite direct when speaking our truth? Do you speak your truth in the moment or wait until you can’t hold it in anymore? What is the result of that? How can you improve or shorten the time it takes for you to express your truth? Are people generally open to hearing your truth? If yes, why do you think that is? If no, why do you think that is? What can you do to change your delivery so people may be more receptive to the truth? How do you like to hear the truth? Do you like to hear the truth? Take into consideration how you best receive the truth and work on sending out the truth that way, there may always be someone who isn’t receptive to hearing it, but when we are able to to say it in a way that they don’t feel attacked, they may be better able to recieve what you say.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

W.A.I.T. – Why Am I Talking?

I was with a group of people yesterday and we were talking about how the greatest gift, or way of being of service to someone, is to listen. Many times that’s all anyone wants, to be heard, and yet, too many times we chime in with our opinion or experience before they’ve had a chance to finish. One of the people in our group had said that he used to have that problem, of interrupting before someone was done, but he uses the acronym W.A.I.T! Now, before he speaks up he asks himself why he’s talking, if it’s important to interrupt what’s being said, is it adding to the conversation, is it useful, it’s helping the other person or people in the group, and is it the truth, or, is it his ego speaking for him to look superior to the group or in front of that person. I smiled. I used to be guilty of interrupting, especially when I knew I was wrong. I figured if I didn’t give the other person time to finish and finished it for them I would appear to have all the answers and already knew what they were going to say, or, that I knew better, so to save time they should just listen to me and stop talking. The truth is, I had a lot to learn by staying quiet and listen…and still do, we all do.

When we allow someone to finish what they’re saying, and may need to say, we are showing them respect, a respect we all deserve, and by pausing and listening to them we may also learn some new information, what we’re also saying by not saying anything is that we are still teachable and open to new ideas, something that is imperative for our continued growth, intellectually and spiritually. By pausing it also allows us to do a quick spot check, in terms of what we’re wanting to say, to ask ourselves why we feel we need to say it, and if it’s something that will move the conversation forward, or are we speaking up for different reasons that only serve us? Or, are we responding out of fear, anger, or jealously? Again, if we take a moment to pause and get in touch with our intentions for wanting to speak up, or respond, it gives us that moment to let those immediate emotions calm down so we can make a better decision about what and if we’re going to respond.

When I started on this path I had to basically throw out most of what I knew. I had to start from scratch. And I had to question my motives and instincts always at the start. My reactions to things were almost always fear based, so I was often quick to respond and jump in, many times regretting what I said and did later. I too, was told to W.A.I.T. and it was that pause that helped me not to hurt others by stepping all over their conversation and trying to sound smarter and better than they were. I also learned how important it was to be heard. I had a lot of questions, feelings and emotions at the start of this journey, many I had trouble making sense of, and if someone took the time to sit to listen to me, even when it didn’t make much sense, it meant so much to me, and most times, even just by saying it out loud, even without a response, I would figure out the issue, but also, many times, it allowed someone else who had been where I was to share their experience with me and offer some suggestions. Those exchanges helped me heal, and I learned a lot from them, not only by finding answers to my questions, but also it taught me how to be a good listener myself.

Everyone wants and deserves to be heard, make sure you’re not taking that moment away from someone who really needs it to feed our own ego. You might just learn something yourself by pausing and making yourself W.AI.T. and asking yourself, why am I talking? SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let others speak or are you always quick to chime in? Why do you think you do that? When you think about not doing that, what comes up? What do you feel? Where do you think that need comes from? What can you do to change it? When someone takes the time to listen to you, how does that make you feel? What do you think you can learn by pausing and not immediately jumping in a conversation? Try to pause SLAYER, and W.A.I.T., ask yourself, why am I talking? If it’s not adding something positive to the conversation, then maybe just listen and see what you can learn.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you