self reflection

Learning to Love the Thing You Wish Hadn’t Happened

There are moments in life that split time in two.

There’s before it happened.
And there’s after it happened.

And sometimes, that “it” is something you would give anything to erase. A betrayal. A loss. A mistake. A failure. Something that shook you so deeply that, even years later, you still catch yourself saying, “If only that had never happened…”

I’ve been there. More than once.

For a long time, I believed the only way to be truly happy again was to go back—back to the way things were before the pain, before the fallout, before the day that changed everything. But the truth is, there is no going back. There’s only forward. And learning to move forward doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t hurt, or even pretending you’re glad it happened.

It means learning to love what it taught you.

It means finding peace in the fact that this unwanted thing—this thing you thought would break you—has also shaped you into the version of yourself you are now.

The Lie We Tell Ourselves About “If Only”

When something painful happens, our minds get stuck in loops. We replay conversations. We imagine different choices. We rewrite endings that never came.

It’s a way of bargaining with reality: If only it hadn’t happened, I’d be happier. If only it hadn’t happened, I’d be whole.

But here’s the truth no one wants to admit—those loops keep us chained to the very thing we want freedom from. Every time we run through the “if only” scenario, we hand over our present to a past we cannot change.

And if we’re not careful, we start defining ourselves by the wound instead of the healing.

What It Really Means to Love the Thing You Wish Hadn’t Happened

Loving what you wish hadn’t happened doesn’t mean excusing it, approving of it, or romanticizing pain. It’s not toxic positivity, and it’s not saying, “Everything happens for a reason” as a way to shut down your feelings.

It’s about recognizing that you did survive it. That it’s part of your story. And that by accepting it instead of resisting it, you can take back your power.

When you love what you wish hadn’t happened, you’re saying:

  • “I see what this taught me, even if I never wanted the lesson.”
  • “I won’t let this moment define my future in a way that keeps me small.”
  • “I can carry this with me without letting it weigh me down.”

That shift—acceptance over resistance—is where freedom begins.

Turning Pain Into Purpose

If I look back at my own life, the moments I once wished away have given me some of my greatest strengths.

The heartbreak that shattered me? It taught me how to listen to my intuition.

The loss that felt unbearable? It taught me to love harder and to cherish the present.

The mistake I swore I’d never recover from? It humbled me, made me more compassionate, and connected me to people I never would have met otherwise.

When you learn to love what you wish hadn’t happened, you’re essentially mining your pain for gold. You’re pulling the wisdom from the rubble. You’re saying, “If I have to carry this, I will make sure it makes me stronger.”

Choosing to See the Gift

This is the hardest part—seeing the gift in the thing you never wanted.

Sometimes the gift isn’t obvious. It’s not wrapped neatly with a bow. It might take years before you see how something awful set the stage for something better.

But I believe this: Every wound has the potential to be the very thing that builds your wings.

That doesn’t happen automatically. It happens when you choose to look for the lessons. When you decide that your story will not end in tragedy, but in transformation.

You Don’t Have to Like It to Learn From It

There’s a misconception that acceptance means approval. It doesn’t. You can still hate what happened. You can still grieve it, still wish it had been different.

Acceptance is simply saying, “It happened. I can’t change that. But I can choose how I live with it.”

And sometimes, “living with it” means integrating it into your story in a way that honors your growth instead of your grief.

From Scar to Strength

Your pain is not who you are.

It’s part of your story, but it’s not your identity. The thing you wish hadn’t happened might always sting a little, but with time, the sting fades, and the scar becomes proof—not of what hurt you, but of what couldn’t break you.

When you reach the point where you can love that scar, when you can look at it and think, That’s where I grew the most, you’ve taken back what was stolen from you.

That’s when the thing you once wished away becomes the thing that shaped you into the person you were always meant to be.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What’s one event in your life you still wish had never happened?
  2. How has holding onto resistance kept you tied to it?
  3. What’s one strength, lesson, or relationship you have today because of it?
  4. How would your life look if you could accept it fully?
  5. What’s one small step you can take this week toward making peace with it?

S – Stop replaying the “if only” loop
L – Look for the lessons, even if they’re small
A – Accept that it’s part of your story, not all of it
Y – Yield to the growth it’s given you

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one thing you wish had never happened—and how has it unexpectedly shaped you for the better?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck wishing they could erase the past, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

There are moments in life that mark us so deeply, they carve their names into our memory. A love we lost. A chapter that closed too soon. A person who changed us forever. And when we talk about letting go, it can feel like we’re being asked to erase those parts of our story—to forget, to move on, to pretend it never meant as much as it did.

But letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning how to carry the past with you without letting it weigh you down.

There is a quiet kind of strength in remembering. In holding onto what once made your heart full, not to relive it or rewrite it—but to honor it. Letting go is not an erasure. It’s an act of transformation.

You Can Turn the Page Without Tearing It Out

I used to think that moving on meant forgetting. That in order to stop the ache, I had to pretend the past didn’t exist. But the truth is, the ache only grew louder when I tried to silence it.

Grief, loss, heartbreak—they don’t disappear just because we’re tired of feeling them. They soften when we allow them to be part of us. When we stop fighting them. When we let them shape us, instead of shame us.

The chapters that break us open are still part of our story. They don’t need to be rewritten. They need to be remembered. With tenderness. With clarity. With the understanding that they taught us something essential about who we are.

So no, you don’t need to forget. You just need to stop clutching the past so tightly that your hands aren’t free to receive what’s next.

Memory Is Not the Enemy

We’re told to move on. To get over it. To stop living in the past. And while yes, healing requires forward motion, it doesn’t require amnesia.

You can move forward and still feel. You can carry love and loss in the same breath.

Letting go is not about abandoning your memories. It’s about finding the strength to acknowledge them—even the painful ones—and still take the next step.

I had to learn how to hold space for both: the ache of what was, and the hope of what could be. And in doing that, I discovered something surprising:

The past doesn’t hold me hostage when I stop trying to run from it.

Instead, it becomes something I carry—not with regret, but with reverence.

Life Moves On, and So Can You

There’s a moment in every healing journey when you realize: you can miss what was, love who you were, and still choose to turn the page.

Letting go is not a betrayal of the past. It’s a commitment to your future.

You can bring everything you’ve learned with you. The beauty. The brokenness. The truth. All of it.

Letting go is about making peace with what no longer fits, not because it wasn’t real, but because you are growing.

So don’t rush to forget. Don’t erase what made you feel. Let the memories come. Let them stay. Just don’t let them stop you from living the life that’s waiting for you now.

Let your purpose lead. It knows the way.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Is there something in your past you’ve been trying to forget in order to move on?
  2. How might you carry it differently—with tenderness instead of pain?
  3. What have your most difficult moments taught you about yourself?
  4. Are you ready to stop running and start remembering?
  5. What would turning the page look like for you today?

S – Sit with your memories, even the hard ones
L – Let yourself feel without needing to fix
A – Accept what was, and honor how it shaped you
Y – Yield to growth—even when it hurts

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What is something from your past that you now carry with love instead of pain?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to let go, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

NOT EVERY STORY IS MEANT TO STAY

Not every connection is meant to last—but every one leaves a mark.
The people who enter your life are not all forever people. Some are lessons, others reminders.
What matters most is how you choose to move forward from them.

This is your reminder to reflect on what you’ve learned, not just what you’ve lost.

SLAY on!

Slay Say

Growth starts where ego ends

It’s not always easy to hear what we need to hear. Sometimes, the truth pokes at our pride before it frees us. But if we want to grow, we have to stop treating feedback like failure. Growth asks for humility, curiosity, and the willingness to be wrong. The most powerful people are the ones who stay open—even when it stings.

If you treat feedback as an attack, you’ll miss every opportunity to rise.

SLAY on!

Your Energy Writes the Invitation

Energy isn’t invisible—it’s contagious. The way we move through the world speaks volumes, long before we say a word. That’s why it’s so important to be mindful of the energy we give off. Because whether we mean to or not, we’re always sending out an invitation—and what we invite will show up.

The Energy Exchange is Always On

You don’t have to be in someone’s presence for long to feel their energy. Some people lift a room. Others bring it down. We’ve all felt it. And whether we like it or not, we’re putting out our own energy, too.

If I’m being real, there were times in my life when I walked around spewing frustration, negativity, or fear—and then wondered why the same kept showing up in return. The truth? The energy I put out was the energy I got back. It wasn’t personal. It was physics.

What You Put Out, You Welcome In

I had to learn the hard way that if I didn’t want chaos, I couldn’t keep putting out anxious, defensive energy. If I didn’t want drama, I had to stop contributing to it. The way I spoke to myself, the way I reacted to others, the thoughts I repeated silently—all of it was casting energetic invitations out into the world.

And the guests always showed up.

It took time and effort to shift the energy I was putting out. But once I started leading with calm, openness, kindness—even when I didn’t fully feel it yet—everything around me began to change.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect, Just Present

Let’s be clear: we all have hard days. You’re not expected to radiate sunshine 24/7. But awareness is key. Ask yourself:

  • Is this the kind of energy I would want to receive?
  • Would I want someone to speak to me the way I’m speaking to them?
  • Am I leading with intention or just reacting?

Your energy doesn’t have to be perfect—but it should be honest, compassionate, and intentional.

A New Kind of Invitation

Today, I try to think of my energy as a handwritten note I send out to the universe. What does it say? Is it welcoming, kind, curious? Or is it guarded, judgmental, defensive? Whatever I send, I know it’s going to bring something back to me.

So I try to send what I’d want to receive: peace, patience, gratitude, joy. And on the days I can’t muster those feelings genuinely? I pause. I breathe. I reflect. Because I’d rather send nothing at all than send something I’ll regret.

You’re always casting invitations. Make them count.

SLAY on.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What kind of energy are you putting into your relationships, conversations, or even your self-talk?
  2. Have you ever noticed the same energy you give off coming back to you?
  3. What would shift if you led with more kindness or curiosity?
  4. Are there moments in your day where you could pause before reacting?
  5. What kind of invitation do you want your energy to send today?

S-L-A-Y:

  • Slow down before you react.
  • Lead with intention, not impulse.
  • Ask yourself what energy you’re inviting.
  • You have the power to shift the energy in any room.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one shift you can make today in the energy you’re putting out into the world?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck in a negative loop, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

The Path Is Through the Dark

Some days the light feels far away. You’re tired, uncertain, questioning whether you have it in you to keep going. But this is when the shift begins—not by chasing the light, but by standing still in the dark and facing what’s there.

Healing doesn’t just happen in the light—it begins the moment you stop running from your shadows and decide to meet yourself in the dark.

You won’t find the light by avoiding the dark. You’ll find it by healing your way through it. The light isn’t the starting point—it’s the result. It’s the reward. The proof that you met yourself, did the work, and rose from what tried to hold you down.

This is your reminder to meet yourself where you are—your healing is the key to the light.

A black and white quote that says: "Healing begins when you stop running from your shadows and face yourself with honesty."

No One Ever Injured Their Eyesight Looking At The Brightside

There is always a bright side. Sometimes, it may feel impossible to find—but it’s there if we look for it. Often, we don’t see it until later, when hindsight reveals that not getting what we thought we wanted brought something even better.

But here’s the thing: when we actively choose to seek out the good, the positive, the light—it trains our minds to keep looking. And eventually, it becomes second nature.

We are bombarded by fear and negativity every day. So why not choose the opposite? Why not be intentional about focusing on what’s working, what’s good, and what’s worth celebrating?

How I Found the Bright Side

Before I began walking this path, I lived in a negative world—one fueled by fear, shame, and pain.

The light didn’t last long in those days. I had fleeting moments of brightness, but the clouds of my own mind would roll in and dim it. I always defaulted to the worst-case scenario, and even when something good happened, I’d immediately brace for when it would be taken away.

My hope lived in superficial things—external markers I clung to like a lifeline. If something bright appeared, it was often a distraction rather than a shift. And because it wasn’t rooted in anything lasting, it never stuck around.

Recovery changed that. It taught me to start with gratitude. To look for moments of light. And when I couldn’t feel it? To write it down anyway. Even on my darkest days, I could find one thing. A kind word. A warm cup of coffee. A song I loved. Those small sparks reminded me that light is always there—we just have to invite it in.

Train Your Eyes to See the Light

Every day, we’re given a choice: focus on the fear or look for the light.

And as someone who has lived in both places, I can tell you—choosing the light is where everything changes.

It’s not about pretending things are perfect. It’s about deciding not to let the darkness win. It’s choosing to see that yes, things may be hard—but they’re not only hard.

The more we practice gratitude and look for the good, the more it shows up. That’s not magic—that’s mindset. And it’s powerful.

Be someone who looks for the bright side. And even better? Be someone who becomes the bright side for someone else.

Our light shines the brightest when we share it.

SLAY on.

SLAY Reflection: What Are You Choosing to See?

  • Do you tend to focus on the negative or look for the light? What habits shape that tendency?
  • Was there a time in your life when you struggled to find anything good? How did that affect your day-to-day experience?
  • What small moments of light have shown up for you recently? Did you notice them?
  • Has something you once saw as a disappointment turned out to be a blessing?
  • What could shift in your life if you committed to seeing the bright side—just once a day?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one way you’re choosing the bright side today—even when it would be easier to stay in the dark?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who needs a little light right now, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder that it’s still there—waiting to be seen.

Living In Limbo

Before I began walking this path, I knew limbo well.

When I was living in my illness, I felt stuck. Paralyzed. Like life was moving forward around me while I stayed frozen in place. I wanted to believe I had no control, but the truth was—I was holding the key to my own cell.

I wasn’t taking action. I wasn’t doing the work. And when nothing changes, nothing changes.

Eventually, I reached a breaking point—and instead of breaking down, I reached out. I asked for help. I found support. I took one step, then another. Slowly, my life started to inch forward. Hope returned. Light returned. And I started to feel alive again.

Navigating the Now

I think of that time a lot lately.

Because while the world may feel paused again, I know I don’t have to be. I focus on what I can do each day to move things forward—mentally, emotionally, creatively, and spiritually. I pour energy into meaningful connections, creative projects, and quiet rituals that keep me grounded. I say yes to what feels good and nourishing, even if it’s just a cozy moment in pajamas with a good book.

Limbo doesn’t have to mean lifeless. We get to choose how we respond—and where we put our energy.

Yes, some days feel heavier than others. And yes, I still feel the ache of what’s been lost or put on hold. But I’ve learned that in this stillness, we also have an opportunity. To pause. To reflect. To renew. And to rise.

Limbo Isn’t the End

This chapter may feel uncertain, but it isn’t forever.

We can move forward—internally, emotionally, spiritually—even when the outside world feels stalled. Our gifts, our growth, our goals—they’re still here. They’re still possible.

And when the world begins to move again, we’ll be ready. Because we didn’t just wait—we used the pause to prepare.

SLAY on.

SLAY Reflection: What’s Your Relationship with Limbo?

  • Do you feel like your life is in limbo right now? How does that affect your daily mindset?
  • What small actions can help shift you out of a holding pattern?
  • Have you found new ways to connect, create, or rest during this time?
  • What unexpected lessons or strengths have emerged in this space between?
  • How can you show up for yourself today—even from a place of pause?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
How are you moving forward—even in the waiting?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s feeling stuck in the pause, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder that we’re not standing still alone.

Is It True, Is It Right, Is It Selfish, Is It Loving?

I was speaking with someone recently in recovery about something that was weighing heavily on my heart. I was stuck in my head, unsure what to do, and she gently asked me if I had run it through The Four Absolutes.

That gave me pause.

It had been a while since I’d thought about those—honesty, unselfishness, purity, and love.
She reminded me that those four questions are meant to help guide us in times of emotional confusion:

  • Is it true or false?

  • Is it right or wrong?

  • Is it selfish or unselfish?

  • Is it loving or unloving?

So, I did just that. I ran my situation through this filter. And what had felt so emotionally tangled began to make sense. The noise fell away, and I could finally see what mattered—and what didn’t.

When Feelings Take the Wheel

Before walking this path, I never questioned my feelings.
If I felt it, I believed it.
If I believed it, I acted on it—no pause, no reflection.

The problem? Feelings aren’t facts.

And when you let feelings run the show, especially feelings fueled by fear, pain, or ego, you can spiral down a path that leads to more chaos, not clarity.

That’s why these Four Absolutes matter. They strip away the fluff—
the defensiveness, the assumptions, the justifications—and leave only truth.

They allow us to pause before reacting.
They offer perspective.
And sometimes, they stop us in our tracks—before we say or do something we can’t take back.

Why the Pause Matters

These days, I try to run my emotions through this lens before I act.

  • Is it true?

  • Is it right?

  • Is it selfish?

  • Is it loving?

If I can’t answer those honestly, I pause.
If I can’t say yes to “Is it loving?”—I definitely pause.

That moment of stillness, of reflection, can be the difference between peace and regret.

And it’s not just about being kind to others.
It’s about being kind to ourselves.

Because we’re the ones who have to live with the aftermath of our actions. And when we move through life with intention, we create space for clarity, connection, and growth.

Pause. Reflect. Then Proceed.

In a world that often rushes us toward reaction, pausing is powerful.

Especially during stressful times—when everything feels heightened and emotions are raw—it’s even more important to approach life with intention and grace.

Lead with compassion.
Be passionate, yes.
But don’t let your passion cloud your perspective.

Let your response come from a place of truth, righteousness, selflessness, and love.

Ask yourself:
Is it true? Is it right? Is it selfish? Is it loving?
Then act—with clarity and care.

SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise

Do you pause before reacting—or do you tend to jump in headfirst?

  • What’s your typical emotional response when you’re triggered?

  • Have you ever reacted quickly and later realized your feelings were misdirected?

  • How could using the Four Absolutes have changed that outcome?

  • What tools or “safety nets” can you put in place to help you pause before reacting?

  • How can examining your feelings—rather than acting on them—help you grow?

When we respond from a grounded place, we create a ripple of calm in a chaotic world.
Let your next action reflect the best version of yourself.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever used the Four Absolutes to guide a difficult decision?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who could use a moment to pause and reflect—send this their way.
Sometimes, all it takes is a question to shift our perspective.

Adversity Shows Us Who We Are

In my journey, I’ve been through deep adversity before, and it has always shown me who I am. I haven’t always liked what I’ve seen, but I’ve come to understand that I have the power to change it.

Facing Ourselves

In our daily lives, we often fill our days with busyness—things that distract us from what we may not want to face about ourselves: our behaviors, our patterns, and the places we choose to live emotionally day after day. It’s easy to focus on other people, on places and things, and avoid the inner work that requires honesty. For much of my adult life, I did exactly that. I numbed, distracted, and ran from myself until I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom. Suddenly, I had no choice but to face who I truly was.

It wasn’t easy. I had spent so long running from my feelings and stuffing down the emotions I didn’t want to admit even existed. Looking at myself felt nearly impossible. But adversity leaves us with two choices: give up and sink deeper or choose to fight for our lives.

Surrender Is Strength

The adversity I faced with my mental health forced me into a corner. To survive, I had to surrender and ask for help. The word surrender used to feel like weakness to me. I thought it was something only people who weren’t strong did. But the moment I let go, the moment I admitted I couldn’t do it alone, was the strongest decision I ever made.

That act of surrender allowed me to take my power back. It was only the start—I had to continue to be honest about myself and my past. That honesty wasn’t always easy, but if I was ever going to build a life worth living, I had to stop hiding behind lies and half-truths. I had to commit to showing up for myself fully.

Looking in the Mirror

When the curtain is pulled back and all you’re left with is a mirror, there is no moment more humbling. I stood there and saw hate, sadness, and defeat staring back at me. But I was encouraged to find even one small good thing, one spark of light. It was hard at first, but even the smallest bit of goodness was a starting point. From there, I could begin to rebuild.

The journey from self-hatred to self-love wasn’t easy, but every step, every tear, and every hard truth was worth it. Today, I can look in the mirror with compassion and gratitude for how far I’ve come.

Adversity in the Present

Today, we face a new kind of adversity. It’s one that isn’t of our own making, but it affects every part of our lives. As we’re forced to slow down, to pause the busyness we’ve come to rely on, this adversity is holding up a mirror once again.

This time offers us the opportunity to see who we truly are. If we don’t like what we see, life is giving us a chance to change. Maybe that’s one of the greatest lessons from this pause: a reset, an opportunity to return to ourselves and realign with what really matters.

This is a time to shine—not only for ourselves but for those who need our light. It’s an invitation to reflect, to reset, and to emerge stronger and more grounded.

Are you liking what adversity is showing you? If not, it’s time to get to work.

SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY

  • Have there been times in your life where adversity has shown you who you are?

  • Did you like what you saw?

  • What did you do to change that?

  • During this time of adversity, are you liking what you’re seeing?

  • What don’t you like? What can you do to change it?

  • Reflect and make some changes. Love yourself through them, and remember: we’re all walking through this together.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What has adversity shown you about yourself, and how are you working to change or embrace that?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s navigating their own adversity, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.