mental wellness

Stop Holding On to What Hurts and Start Holding On to What Makes You Happy

There comes a moment in life—sometimes quiet, sometimes explosive—when you realize you’ve been gripping pain tighter than joy. Holding on to memories that wound you more than they teach you. Clinging to relationships, patterns, or versions of yourself that drain you instead of lift you.

If you’re honest, you might admit you’ve spent years…
holding on to what hurts,
and letting go of what makes you happy.

Not because you wanted to suffer,
but because suffering once felt familiar.
Because pain once felt like home.
Because letting go felt more dangerous than staying stuck.

But here’s the truth you already know deep down:
You cannot build a joyful life while clutching what breaks you.

At some point, you must make the brave choice to loosen your grip.

Why We Hold On to What Hurts

Pain has a way of becoming a habit. We don’t always choose it consciously—it chooses us in a moment of survival, and we never learn how to release it later.

We hold on because:

  • It’s familiar, and familiar feels safe.
  • We think letting go means the pain “wins.”
  • We fear losing people, even if losing ourselves in the process.
  • We confuse suffering with loyalty.
  • We don’t yet believe we deserve better.
  • We’ve built an identity around enduring.

Pain can be strangely comforting. Not because it feels good, but because we’ve learned to navigate it.
Joy, on the other hand, can feel overwhelming. Uncertain. Risky. Vulnerable.

Sometimes, joy is scarier than pain.

But the cost of clinging to hurt is always the same:
your peace, your happiness, and your growth.

Letting Go Isn’t Betrayal — It’s Liberation

You are not betraying anyone when you release what hurts you.
You are not abandoning your past when you choose your future.
You are not selfish for choosing joy over suffering.

Letting go does not mean you’re minimizing what happened.
It means you’re refusing to let it define every chapter that comes next.

When you loosen your grip on pain, you’re making room for:

  • healthier relationships
  • clearer thinking
  • deeper joy
  • emotional stability
  • self-respect
  • peace

You’re not erasing the past—you’re releasing its hold on your present.

Why Happiness Feels Harder to Hold

If you’ve lived through trauma, heartbreak, abandonment, or long-term struggle, happiness can feel foreign. Sometimes even unsafe.

Joy feels like something you must earn.
Something that might be taken away.
Something that can’t be trusted.

So you hold it loosely.
Cautiously.
Suspiciously.

But pain?
You grip that tightly.
Because you’ve already survived it.

Here’s the truth, though:
Joy is not fragile. Fear is.
And the more you practice holding on to what makes you happy, the more natural it becomes.

Happiness Isn’t Accidental — It’s Intentional

You don’t stumble into happiness.
You choose it.
You protect it.
You reach for it when fear tells you not to.

Happiness is built from:

  • boundaries
  • aligned choices
  • self-compassion
  • healthy relationships
  • meaningful routines
  • inner peace
  • permission to feel joy without guilt

You deserve a life where joy isn’t a visitor—
it’s a resident.

How to Stop Holding On to What Hurts

Letting go is both a mindset shift and a daily practice.
Here’s where the shift begins:

1. Acknowledge what hurts you.

You can’t release what you refuse to name.
Brutal honesty is the key that opens the door.

2. Stop giving energy to what drains you.

If something consistently makes you feel anxious, small, or unseen—release your grip.

3. Redefine what loyalty means.

Loyalty to pain is still self-abandonment.
Loyalty to your healing is self-love.

4. Let yourself feel the grief.

Letting go hurts—even when you’re letting go of hurt.
Grief is part of the release.

5. Choose behaviors that support happiness.

Call the friend who makes you feel safe.
Take the walk that clears your mind.
Say no when your soul says no.

Happiness grows where you water it.

How to Start Holding On to What Makes You Happy

You strengthen joy the same way you strengthen a muscle—through repetition.

1. Name what brings you joy.

Small or big, write it down. Joy needs recognition to expand.

2. Prioritize the people who feel like peace.

If someone makes you exhale, stay close.

3. Celebrate progress, not perfection.

Joy is found in the small wins, the quiet moments, the daily choices.

4. Let yourself receive.

Compliments. Help. Rest. Love.
You don’t have to earn joy—it’s your birthright.

5. Protect your peace with boundaries.

Your happiness is sacred. Treat it that way.

Holding on to what makes you happy requires one thing:
believing you deserve to be happy in the first place.

And you do.

Your Life Will Change When Your Grip Changes

When you stop holding on to what hurts—
you stop repeating your old wounds.

When you start holding on to what makes you happy—
you start creating a life you love living.

You’ll notice:

  • your relationships shift
  • your inner dialogue softens
  • your energy changes
  • your confidence grows
  • your peace becomes non-negotiable

This transformation doesn’t happen overnight.
It happens moment by moment, choice by choice.

Pain built the earlier chapters.
Joy gets to build the next ones.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What pain are you still gripping because it feels familiar?
  2. What belief keeps you holding on to things that hurt you?
  3. What brings you joy that you haven’t allowed yourself to prioritize?
  4. Who in your life lifts you higher—and how can you move closer to them?
  5. What is one small joy you can intentionally hold on to today?
  • S – Stop feeding what hurts
  • L – Let joy take up more space
  • A – Align your choices with what brings you peace
  • Y – Yield to happiness instead of fear

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What joy are you choosing to hold on to today—and what pain are you releasing?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s been holding on to hurt for far too long, send them this post.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder that joy is worth protecting.

Unlearning the Lies You Once Needed to Survive

Most of us don’t set out to deceive ourselves — but we do.
Not out of malice… out of survival.

We learn early in life how to protect ourselves emotionally:
We convince ourselves we’re fine when we’re hurting.
We pretend we don’t care when we’re desperate to belong.
We downplay our dreams because wanting something feels risky.

These little lies become armor.
They help us navigate pain… until they start causing the pain.

There is truth inside those false stories we tell — and discovering it is how we free ourselves.

Healing isn’t about tearing everything down at once.
It’s about gradually stepping away from self-delusion…
until what remains is pure being — the real you.

Self-Delusion Begins as Self-Protection

When the world teaches you it’s not safe to feel…
you learn how to numb.

When you’re told who you should be…
you disconnect from who you are.

When you’ve been abandoned or judged for your honesty…
you learn to hide your truth — even from yourself.

And so the false stories begin:

“If I don’t need anyone, no one can hurt me.”
“If I fail, it proves I wasn’t meant for more.”
“If they don’t love me, I must not deserve love.”

These narratives seem protective on the surface — but underneath?
They keep you stuck in cycles that confirm the lies.

Your brain continues repeating what feels familiar, not what is true.

The First Step Toward Truth Is Curiosity

Instead of asking:
“Why am I like this?”
Try:
“What is this response trying to protect me from?”

Every false belief holds a hidden truth:

  • The lie: “I don’t care.”
    The truth: you care deeply.
  • The lie: “I don’t need help.”
    The truth: you’re afraid to rely on others.
  • The lie: “I’m not good enough.”
    The truth: you haven’t yet realized your worth.

There’s wisdom beneath every coping mechanism — even the harmful ones.
Your job isn’t to destroy them…
It’s to outgrow them.

Awakening Happens in Small Shifts

You don’t have to rip off your emotional armor in one day.
That would feel terrifying. Unsafe. Overwhelming.

Transformation is much more compassionate than that.
It asks only for small, consistent steps:

  • Notice when you’re pretending
  • Question when something feels “off”
  • Admit the things you’ve avoided
  • Allow yourself to feel — without judgment
  • Choose honesty, even if it’s incremental

This is the quiet work of coming home to yourself.

Each time you move one step closer to truth, a layer of falsehood falls away.

Gradually, you stop performing.
You stop perfecting.
You stop hiding.

And you begin being.

The Painful Beauty of Seeing Yourself Clearly

Let’s be honest — seeing the truth can sting.

It means acknowledging patterns that kept you small.
Admitting fear where you once claimed power.
Owning the roles you played in your own suffering.

But here’s the magic:
You can’t change what you refuse to see.

Clarity isn’t self-punishment — it’s liberation.

When you let go of the illusions,
you create space for identity, purpose, and joy that are real.

The more truth you honor,
the less tolerance you have for anything that asks you to betray yourself again.

Pure Being — Your Most Powerful State

Who are you when you remove the fear?
Who are you beneath the expectations?
Who are you without the roles you’ve been performing?

That person — the one underneath — is not weak.
They are not unworthy.
They are not broken.

They are whole, powerful, and free.

Pure being means:

  • You know who you are
  • You honor your needs
  • You speak your truth
  • You choose alignment over approval
  • You live from love, not fear

It is the state you were born into…
and the state you are returning to.

Trust the Unbecoming

You are not falling apart.
You are falling into yourself.

Every false story shed is a step toward truth.
Every limiting belief dismantled is a doorway to freedom.

This is sacred work.

And the closer you get to who you truly are…
the clearer everything becomes:

Your desires.
Your boundaries.
Your identity.
Your path.

You are allowed to outgrow the version of you that once protected you.
They got you here.
Thank them.
Then take the next step.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What story do you tell yourself to avoid feeling discomfort?
  2. Where in your life do you feel disconnected from who you really are?
  3. What small truth can you acknowledge today — without shame?
  4. How would life feel if you didn’t have to perform or pretend anymore?
  5. What’s one step you can take this week toward living more honestly?

S – See the stories you tell yourself
L – Let go of lies that no longer serve you
A – Accept the truth with compassion
Y – Yield to your real self — your pure being

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What truth are you ready to honor — even if it scares you?
Share in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if someone you love is stuck in self-delusion, living in old stories — send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder that we are more than the lies we once believed.

Put Your Own Mask On First

We hear it every time we board a plane: “In the event of a loss in cabin pressure, secure your own mask before assisting others.” It’s one of those instructions that seems counterintuitive—especially for the givers, the fixers, the caretakers among us. But when you stop to really think about it, it’s not just an airline safety rule—it’s a life lesson.

For a long time, I didn’t put on my own mask first. I’d jump in to help anyone else—whether they asked or not—believing it made me strong, loving, dependable. I was the one people could count on. But quietly, I was falling apart. I was suffocating. And I didn’t even realize it until I was gasping for air.

You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup

We’ve all heard that saying, but how many of us actually live it?

If you’ve been conditioned to believe your worth is tied to your usefulness, rest might feel selfish. Saying no might feel wrong. Asking for space might trigger guilt. But here’s the truth: constantly abandoning yourself to show up for others isn’t noble—it’s a fast track to burnout, resentment, and disconnection.

When you give from depletion, your help comes with a cost. You’re exhausted. You’re short-fused. You’re giving, but secretly hoping for a thank you, some recognition, a return on your emotional investment. And when that doesn’t come? It hurts. Because beneath all that self-sacrifice, you’re still human.

Putting your own mask on first isn’t selfish—it’s survival. It’s sustainability. It’s strength. When you’re nourished, rested, grounded—you give from overflow, not from emptiness. And everyone benefits from that version of you.

Self-Care Isn’t a Luxury—It’s a Responsibility

Somewhere along the way, we started seeing self-care as optional—as a bubble bath or a bonus. But self-care is how you keep yourself whole. It’s how you stay aligned. It’s the system check that makes sure you’re not running on fumes.

It’s not always glamorous. Sometimes, self-care is a boundary. Sometimes it’s canceling plans. Sometimes it’s letting someone else figure it out, even when you could fix it. It’s trusting that people can handle their own discomfort—and that it’s not your job to keep everything calm.

The truth is, constantly putting others first is often rooted in fear: What if they get mad? What if they leave? What if they think I’m selfish?

But ask yourself this: If you keep abandoning yourself to meet everyone else’s needs, what are you teaching them? That your needs don’t matter. That you’ll always sacrifice yourself. That love looks like martyrdom.

It doesn’t.

Show Up for You—First

Putting your own mask on first means taking inventory of your energy. It means asking: Am I okay? What do I need right now? Am I being honest about my limits?

When you start showing up for yourself, everything shifts. Your relationships become more balanced. Your boundaries become clearer. You stop saying yes when you mean no. You stop fixing what isn’t yours. And you start building a life that includes you.

This doesn’t mean you stop helping others. It just means you stop bleeding out for them. You choose to care without collapsing. You choose to support without suffocating. You choose to love from wholeness—not from empty lungs.

You’re not here to save everyone. You’re here to be you. And that’s more than enough.

So the next time you feel that urge to abandon yourself to keep the peace, to overextend just to be liked, or to put everyone ahead of you—pause. Breathe. Reach for your own mask first.

That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Do you feel guilty putting your needs before others? Why?
  2. What areas of your life have suffered because you’ve neglected yourself?
  3. When was the last time you truly paused and checked in with you?
  4. How would your life change if you consistently put your needs first?
  5. What’s one small act of self-care you can commit to today?

S – Stop and assess what you really need
L – Let go of guilt tied to prioritizing yourself
A – Allow yourself to rest, recharge, and reset
Y – Yield to your own healing so you can truly thrive

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What does putting your own mask on first look like for you—and how has it changed your life?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who always puts themselves last, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

Some Wounds Aren’t Loud

Just because there wasn’t malice doesn’t mean there wasn’t damage.
The ripple of someone’s behavior can still cut deep—
even when their hands never meant to cause pain.

What matters is how you felt. What you carry.
Your truth still deserves recognition.

This is your reminder to honor what happened,
even if no one else saw it.

SLAY on!

Slay Say

TRUST THE DIRECTION, NOT THE DETOUR

Even when it feels unfamiliar…
Even when no one understands your choices…
Even when it’s hard to let go of who you were…

Keep going.

The point of growth isn’t staying the same.
It’s giving yourself permission to evolve.

You don’t need to prove your past to anyone.
What matters is who you’re becoming—and the life that’s waiting on the other side of your courage.

So if it’s time to close a chapter, do it.
Not out of regret. But because the next one deserves a fresh page.

SLAY on!

Slay Say

YOU GET TO BUILD SOMETHING NEW

Not everything passed down needs to be carried forward.
Cycles of hurt, silence, or survival may have paved your path—
but that doesn’t mean they have to shape your future.

You’re not here to repeat.
You’re here to restore.
To choose with intention.
To lead with clarity.
And to become the version of yourself your lineage didn’t know was possible.

This is your reminder to be the shift they never saw coming.

SLAY on!

Slay Say

Growth starts where ego ends

It’s not always easy to hear what we need to hear. Sometimes, the truth pokes at our pride before it frees us. But if we want to grow, we have to stop treating feedback like failure. Growth asks for humility, curiosity, and the willingness to be wrong. The most powerful people are the ones who stay open—even when it stings.

If you treat feedback as an attack, you’ll miss every opportunity to rise.

SLAY on!

Slay Say

HEALING DOESN’T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE HARMONY

It can feel like you’re turning your back on everything familiar—but what if you’re turning the page instead?
Growth isn’t always gentle. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s lonely. But choosing a new direction doesn’t mean rejecting your roots—it means rising from them.
You’re not abandoning your story.
You’re rewriting the ending.

SLAY on!

Slay Say

You are not the story they’ve written in their minds.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of defending who we are, trying to explain, prove, or reshape ourselves so others will see us clearly.
But you don’t exist to be understood by everyone.
You exist to live your truth—even if it disrupts the version they created.

You don’t owe anyone a more comfortable narrative.
You owe yourself the freedom to be whole, honest, and real.

SLAY ON!

Slay Say

The Dance Is Still Yours

Growth doesn’t always move in a straight line.
Sometimes you stumble. Sometimes you step back.
But none of it means you’ve failed.

Every step—forward, backward, sideways—is still part of your rhythm. Still part of your story.
Even the ones that felt offbeat taught you something about your strength, your timing, your heart.

So when you feel like you’ve lost your way, pause.
Listen.
The music is still playing.
And the dance is still yours.

This is your reminder to give yourself grace in the messy middle.

SLAY on!

Even the steps that felt like setbacks were shaping your rhythm. This is your reminder: you’re still in the dance, and it’s still yours.