desperation

Surrender For The Win

Before walking this path I thought of surrender for a four letter word. I considered myself a warrior, a fighter and able to overcome anything that came my way, I had already overcome a lot, and wore those victories like badges of honor. But when I found myself in a downward slide, one that, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t stop, that pride almost cost me my life. Surrender just wasn’t in my vocabulary, and yet that I would find out would be the key to my survival.

I thought I knew everything, or knew better, I thought I could out-think and power through the thoughts and feelings that were plaguing me day after day, but the more I tried to fight it, and control them, the more they had control over me. That tug-of-war became my insanity, of trying to control the uncontrollable, without changing my way of life. It took a lot for me to surrender, but when I did it came from a place of desperation and total fear of what would come next if I didn’t. The desperation was a gift, and I used to finally ask for help.

That surrender felt good, it felt like hope, even though there was still a part of me that thought it meant I had failed at life, but I had to cling to that dim light of hope to keep going. As I began to feel better I realized the power of that surrender. My surrender didn’t mean I had failed, it meant that I had found the power within myself to admit that I needed help, that the way I had been living my life wasn’t working, and, that I alone didn’t have the tools I needed to fix it. That surrender was a win, and the beginning of the life I enjoy today. I’ve watched people struggle with that surrender and lose their battle, those who could not accept it or questioned it, and it always reminds me of how lucky I was to have finally surrendered and to have continued to surrender every day since. For me, I need to do it daily, because my head wants to tell me I don’t. It still tries, after many many years, to tell me that I don’t need to do what I do to stay healthy, that I don’t have an illness and there is nothing wrong with me. I know it’s lying, so I continue to surrender.

Surrender today is a sign of strength. It is a sign of humility, of self-love and of remaining teachable, which is something I always need to be. The minute I think I know everything  and don’t need to listen to suggestions is when I start to slide back to that dark place. And I know how seamless it can happen, I remember the first time. I use my daily surrender as my sword, to cut through the lies and bullshit my head tells me as I continue to walk this path, my life depends on it.

We can live with outdated ideas about what surrender means to us, or perhaps we are carrying around an opinion we have been told by others, surrender for me was door to a better life and it also opened the door of willingness, with allowed me to seek the help and do the work I needed to do to have what I have today. Don’t let your judgment of yourself or what you think you should be doing cloud your vision of what can be. Let go of your ego and pride and surrender to trying things a different way, a better way, a way that may greatly improve your life, or save it. Surrender for the win. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What does the word surrender mean to you? Do you look at it as a negative? Do you see how it can be used for positive change? Have you seen it bring positive change to your life already? How so? If you haven’t, what stops you? What areas in your life could use some surrender? How can you take steps to achieve that? Let yourself surrender to what is best for you, it may be the act of surrender that brings you your biggest win, you!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Communication Is The Key

Communication is something I had to learn on this path. It was not a skill I had growing up, I was too full of fear to speak up, to reach out, or to dare share my truth. There were so many times, looking back, when I was asked about my feelings, or what I thought, where I stood there, paralyzed, and couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. I would get embarrassed, but the words would just not come out. They would get all scrambled in my head, and just get stuck there. It was out of an act of desperation that I was able to communicate my need for help, and share with a trusted friend what was really going on in my life, and that I wanted it to stop. That same desperation was the catalyst for me learning how to communicate with others. I had kept my truth so bottled up for so long, that my life now depended on me speaking up.

Communication can be difficult. We may fear of being judged. We may not find the right words to rightly express how we’re feeling. Or we feel like we don’t want to be bother to someone by unleashing our problems on them. All of these self-made obstacles need to be overcome before we can cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships, and truly find our way on our path.

For me the first obstacle was the fear. Fear that you all would judge me for not having it all together, for getting myself into the situation I had, fear I wouldn’t say the right things, just plain fear I couldn’t even identify. So, I surrounded myself with like-minded people. People who had been through what I was going through, or were going through it as well. That helped with the fear a bit. But it was by stepping out of my comfort zone to find others like me that I was able to get over the fear. I had to just jump in. It helped to have others around me who were sharing their truths with me and others, I saw that they weren’t being judged, in fact, the opposite was happening, they were being supported, encouraged and loved, so I stepped out of my comfort zone a little further and started to share, and, I received the same response. It became easier the more I did it, and now, I don’t even hesitate. The more we do something, the more it becomes our new normal, and, we start to make healthier and better choices for ourselves.

I learned that being honest was always the best route to go, now, I did have to learn how to fine tune that a little bit, learn to read the situation and the people involved, because just blurting out my truth could do more damage than not sharing it at all. I had to learn to be compassionate to those around me, to not withhold what I needed to say, or how I felt, but to make sure I wasn’t doing more damage by sharing my truth in maybe a blunt or sudden way. At the beginning, and sometimes I still do, I would think how I would want to be told the information I needed to share, to think about how that person might feel once I shared what I needed to. I had some misfires at the beginning, but that’s to be expected with anything new, it takes time to find the right tone, and to never let your needs rise above what someone else is able to listen to.

Communication really is the key to most of our problems. It’s about being honest, but also compassionate for others in our lives, about making sure you’re intentions are clear, your expectations are clear, and that your voice is heard, but, never the expense of anyone else. When we communicate we learn about others, we invite discussion, we are open to suggestions, to new solutions, and we are our authentic selves. Learning to communicate brings us closer to people, it strengthens our relationships and bonds, and, it strengthens our self-worth and self-respect. Communication is the clarifyer, it allows us to step out of who we once were and into the light of who we are meant to become. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble communicating with others? How so? Why do you think that is? What are some bad experiences you’ve had with communication? What are some good? Of those bad experiences, what could you have said or done in terms of your own communication that would have improved that situation? What stops you from doing that? I challenge you SLAYER, this week, to practice your communication skills. Look for opportunities to communicate better, clearer, and allowing more of you to come out and share with those around you. Find your voice, and share your true self, it’s within that practice that we begin to find our way on our own path to who we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Gift Of Desperation

Sometimes desperation can be a gift. Most times it’s not, we make bad choices and decisions when we feel we have no options, but in the case of helping ourselves, doing something different to change our lives for the better, desperation can be a gift. I know it was with me. Had I not been desperate, and literally fighting for my life, I would not have been open to the suggestions and steps it took to get me well, I had gone through my whole life believing that I knew better, that I was smarter, and that I didn’t need anyone’s help, I was wrong. When I hit my bottom, emotionally and spiritually, the only solution I had on my own was to end things, that was my best solution, not wanting to take that action, but desperately wanting the pain and suffering to end, I finally reached out for help and started on a path of self love and empowerment.

That path came with a lot of work, none of which I would to have agreed to unless my life depended on it, lucky for me, it did. As dark as those days were, as close as I was to ending my existence, I am grateful for those days, and I hope to never forget them, as those memories keep me steady on my path because I know what’s waiting for me if I veer off, or slack off, and stop doing the work, that place, that place that wants my life is still there deep inside of me and it still wants what it wants, and it still speaks to me. I know that those voices in my head will get louder, and those voices have also been learning everything I have, so they’re smarter and even more cunning than before. I know to keep myself in the light, to surround myself with all of you warriors, survivors, and SLAYERS, who remind me how strong I am through your strength, and how I need to go on, even on a dark day. I remember how hard it was to start, and how desperate I was to get out of the thick black tar I felt I was living in.

Desperation can be a good thing, it can be our greatest gift, because after we’ve tried all of the options ‘our way,’ and got nowhere, we may realize that we need to try something else, get outside our comfort zone, and reach out for help, tell people what’s going on, and take new action for a better life. It goes back to turning our weaknesses into strengths, using our desperation to fuel our recovery, to fuel us to seek out a better life for ourselves, to learn to love yourself, ALL of ourselves, use all that desperation to give you a desire to heal, and maybe do some things that you don’t want to do, but will help you in the end.

Life takes us on a journey, and nothing happens randomly, it ebbs and flows just as it’s meant to, we are in control of how we act, react, who and what we engage in, and we take responsibility for our missteps, these are our chances to learn, and to change. WE are the authors of our own stories, and even though we can’t control all of the circumstances, we can control how our story is told, who we are out in the world, and how we give back.

If you’re feeling lost, alone, and, desperate, be grateful, you may be in just the right place for a breakthrough. What you’ve been doing is not working, it may be time to seek outside help and take some suggestions from people who have been where you are, or professionals who can guide you on this new path. Be grateful SLAYER as desperation might just be gift that saves you life.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are there times in your life that it took desperation to make a change? Do you find you exhaust every possible option you can take on your own before reaching out for help? Do you feel like the place you’re in right now makes you feel desperate? What can you do to remedy that? What positive action can you take to better your situation? How can you turn your desperation into a gift? Take it SLAYER, take the leap to a better you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you