State Of Slay™

Woman expressing an intense emotion, representing how feelings can feel true even when they do not reflect reality.

A Feeling Can Be Real Without Being True

Feelings can be incredibly convincing.

When we feel rejected, it can seem like proof that we weren’t wanted.

When we feel guilty, it can seem like proof that we did something wrong.

When we feel afraid, it can seem like proof that something bad is about to happen.

When we feel inadequate, it can seem like proof that we aren’t enough.

The emotion arrives, and almost instantly, our mind begins building a story around it.

I feel it, therefore it must be true.

But feelings and facts are not always the same thing.

Your feelings are real because you are experiencing them.

They deserve your attention. They can tell you something important about your fears, needs, history, expectations, wounds, hopes, and boundaries.

But a feeling isn’t necessarily an accurate description of what is happening.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes it isn’t.

Learning the difference can change the way we understand ourselves.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE REAL

There is an important distinction between saying a feeling may not be true and saying a feeling isn’t real.

If you’re hurt, you’re hurt.

If you’re afraid, you’re afraid.

If you’re angry, you’re angry.

You don’t need to argue yourself out of an emotion simply because someone else thinks you shouldn’t be having it.

Feelings are experiences, and experiences are real.

But the meaning we assign to those experiences is something different.

You can feel excluded without someone intentionally excluding you.

You can feel unloved while being deeply loved.

You can feel like a failure after making a perfectly ordinary mistake.

You can feel guilty for disappointing someone even though you made the healthiest decision available to you.

The feeling deserves compassion.

The conclusion deserves examination.

Those are two very different things.

FEELINGS ARE INFORMATION, NOT ALWAYS EVIDENCE

Think of a feeling as information arriving at your door.

It has something to tell you.

But that doesn’t mean you have to hand it the keys to the house.

Anxiety may tell you that something feels uncertain.

It doesn’t necessarily tell you that something terrible is going to happen.

Jealousy may tell you that you’re feeling insecure or afraid of losing something important.

It doesn’t necessarily tell you that someone has betrayed you.

Guilt may tell you that you’ve acted against your values.

But it can also appear because you’ve been conditioned to feel responsible for keeping everyone else happy.

Loneliness may tell you that you need connection.

It doesn’t tell you that nobody cares about you.

Feelings contain information.

The mistake we sometimes make is treating that information as a verdict.

OUR HISTORY CAN SPEAK IN THE PRESENT TENSE

Sometimes what we feel in the present was shaped long before the present moment arrived.

Maybe you’ve experienced abandonment.

Then someone you care about becomes quiet, distracted, or unavailable.

Suddenly, you feel that familiar drop in your stomach.

They’re leaving.

Nothing has actually happened yet.

But your body recognizes something.

Not necessarily the situation.

The pattern.

If you’ve spent years being criticized, a small piece of feedback may feel like a complete rejection of who you are.

If you’ve lived around unpredictable behavior, calm can sometimes feel suspicious.

If love once had to be earned, someone else’s disappointment may feel like a threat to the relationship.

Our history doesn’t disappear simply because the calendar moves forward.

Sometimes yesterday puts on today’s clothes.

And unless we stop to look closely, we may not recognize it.

YOUR MIND DOESN’T LIKE AN EMPTY SPACE

Human beings are meaning-makers.

When we don’t know why something happened, our minds tend to fill in the blank.

Someone doesn’t text back.

They’re upset with me.

A friend seems distant.

I did something wrong.

You don’t get the opportunity you wanted.

I’m not good enough.

Someone’s tone changes.

They’re angry.

You walk into a room and suddenly feel self-conscious.

Everyone is judging me.

Notice how quickly we can travel from observation to interpretation.

Something happened.

We felt something.

Then we created an explanation.

Sometimes that explanation is correct.

But sometimes we’ve turned a question mark into a period before we have enough information to finish the sentence.

GUILT DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG

This one can be especially difficult.

Many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that being good meant being accommodating.

Don’t disappoint people.

Don’t upset anyone.

Don’t be difficult.

Don’t say no.

Don’t make someone uncomfortable.

So when we finally set a boundary, leave an unhealthy situation, decline a request, or choose ourselves, guilt can show up immediately.

And because guilt usually accompanies wrongdoing, we assume:

If I feel guilty, I must have done something wrong.

But sometimes guilt is simply what change feels like when you’re accustomed to abandoning yourself.

You can feel guilty and still have made the right decision.

You can disappoint someone without mistreating them.

You can choose not to carry something that was never yours to carry.

The presence of guilt doesn’t automatically mean the absence of integrity.

FEAR CAN CONFUSE NEW WITH DANGEROUS

Fear is designed to protect us.

That’s part of what makes it so persuasive.

When fear speaks, we tend to listen.

But fear doesn’t only respond to danger.

It also responds to uncertainty.

Starting over can feel frightening.

Being vulnerable can feel frightening.

Leaving something familiar can feel frightening.

Trying something you’ve never done before can feel frightening.

Even being treated well can feel unsettling if you’re accustomed to relationships where you had to constantly earn affection, anticipate moods, or protect yourself.

Your nervous system doesn’t have a crystal ball.

It recognizes patterns.

Sometimes it raises the alarm because something is dangerous.

Sometimes it raises the alarm because something is different.

Wisdom is learning not to confuse the two.

NOT EVERY THOUGHT ATTACHED TO A FEELING DESERVES TO STAY

Feelings are fast.

They arrive before we’ve had time to investigate them.

And they often bring thoughts along for the ride.

I’m embarrassed, so everyone must think I’m ridiculous.

I’m lonely, so I must be unwanted.

I’m overwhelmed, so I must be incapable.

I’m jealous, so there must be something to worry about.

I’m scared, so I shouldn’t do it.

I’m hurt, so they must have intended to hurt me.

That last part is where we can get ourselves into trouble.

We don’t have to reject the feeling.

We can question the story attached to it.

What actually happened?

What do I know?

What am I assuming?

Is there another explanation?

Have I felt this way in situations like this before?

Am I responding only to what is happening now, or to what this reminds me of?

Those questions don’t silence emotion.

They give it context.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO ACT ON EVERYTHING YOU FEEL

A feeling can be urgent without requiring immediate action.

That’s a powerful distinction.

You can be angry without sending the text.

You can feel rejected without withdrawing from the relationship.

You can feel anxious without cancelling the opportunity.

You can feel jealous without making an accusation.

You can feel insecure without asking someone else to prove your worth.

You can feel afraid without automatically turning around.

Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do with an emotion is simply allow it to exist for a moment.

Feel it.

Name it.

Listen to it.

Then decide what, if anything, it actually requires from you.

There is space between feeling and action.

A lot of our growth happens there.

TWO THINGS CAN BE TRUE AT ONCE

You can know someone loves you and still feel insecure.

You can know you made the right decision and still feel sad about it.

You can be proud of yourself and still feel afraid.

You can know you’re capable and still have moments when you doubt yourself.

You can know a relationship needed to end and still miss the person.

You can know you’re worthy and still have days when you don’t feel particularly worthy.

One truth doesn’t erase the other.

We get into trouble when we believe uncomfortable feelings invalidate everything else we know.

They don’t.

A difficult feeling doesn’t necessarily mean you’re moving in the wrong direction.

Sometimes it simply means you’re human while moving through something difficult.

A FEELING CAN BE REAL WITHOUT BEING TRUE

Emotional maturity isn’t learning how to stop feeling.

It’s learning how to feel without automatically believing every conclusion your emotions offer you.

Your feelings deserve to be heard.

They don’t always deserve to be obeyed.

Sometimes they are telling you exactly what you need to know.

Sometimes they’re showing you where something still hurts.

Sometimes they’re responding to an old experience.

Sometimes they’re reacting to uncertainty.

Sometimes they’re asking you to slow down long enough to separate what happened from what you fear it means.

You don’t have to invalidate yourself to question your interpretation.

You can say:

This feeling is real.

I am allowed to feel it.

And I am going to find out whether the story I’m telling myself about it is true.

That isn’t denying your emotions.

It’s learning to listen to them without handing them the microphone, the gavel, and the final word.

SLAY REFLECTION

S — Separate the feeling from the story
Think about something you’re feeling strongly right now. What is the emotion, and what story have you attached to it?

L — Look at what you actually know
What facts support the story you’re telling yourself? What parts are assumptions, fears, or interpretations?

A — Ask what the feeling may be showing you
Does this emotion belong entirely to the present situation, or does something about it feel familiar from your past?

Y — You choose what happens next
Before reacting, give yourself space to decide whether this feeling requires action, reflection, a conversation, a boundary, or simply time to pass.

CALL TO ACTION: JOIN THE CONVERSATION

I’d love to hear from you.

Have you ever had a feeling that seemed completely true in the moment, only to discover later that the story you attached to it wasn’t accurate?

Or have you ever felt guilty, afraid, rejected, or inadequate even when the facts were telling you something very different?

Share your thoughts in the comments. Your experience may help someone else realize that questioning the story behind a feeling doesn’t mean dismissing the feeling itself.

And if you know someone who tends to believe everything their emotions tell them, send this to them.

Sometimes the feeling is real, but the story still needs a second look.

The Boogeyman Only Lives in the Dark

Fear has a way of creeping in when the lights are out—both literally and metaphorically. When we’re uncertain, overwhelmed, or vulnerable, our minds can convince us that the shadows hold monsters. And when we avoid shining a light on those fears—when we stuff them down, pretend they don’t exist, or try to outrun them—they only grow bigger, louder, and harder to face.

The truth? Fear feeds on silence and secrecy. When we leave it unchecked, it multiplies in the darkness of our minds. But when we turn on the light—through awareness, honesty, and courage—fear begins to shrink.

So if you think there’s a boogeyman around, it’s time to stop hiding under the covers. Flip the switch. Call it out. See it for what it is.

Darkness Is the Breeding Ground for Fear

Think about the last time you were afraid of something—really afraid. Chances are, it wasn’t the thing itself that scared you most. It was not knowing.

Not knowing what someone thought of you.
Not knowing how a situation would turn out.
Not knowing if you could survive the pain you were in.

The unknown is where fear lives. And the more we let our imagination run wild in that dark space, the more terrifying the “boogeyman” becomes.

But here’s the thing: most fears, when brought into the light, lose their power. Naming your fear is the first step in shrinking it. It’s not the monster under the bed—it’s your anxiety about failing, being rejected, or not being enough. Once you see it clearly, you can deal with it.

Shine the Light of Truth

When we start to shine a light on fear, it doesn’t mean the fear disappears overnight. But it does mean we stop letting it run the show.

For me, facing my fears meant getting rigorously honest with myself. I had to admit where I was scared and why. Sometimes it was rooted in old wounds or trauma. Sometimes it was tied to lies I had told myself for years. And sometimes, it was just the unknown of stepping into a new chapter.

The more light I brought in—the more I talked about my fears, wrote about them, or even prayed about them—the less they controlled me.

Fear thrives in the dark. Truth thrives in the light.

The Boogeyman Is Rarely What You Think

Most of the time, the “boogeyman” isn’t nearly as scary as we’ve built it up to be.

Maybe the conversation you’ve been avoiding brings clarity instead of rejection.
Maybe the risk you’ve been afraid to take opens a door you never thought possible.
Maybe the pain you’re carrying becomes lighter when you finally share it.

Fear wants you to stay in the dark. But your healing requires the light.

Flip the Switch

So how do you “turn on the light” when fear is looming?

  • Name it. Write down exactly what you’re afraid of. No filters.
  • Share it. Talk to someone you trust. Speaking fear out loud weakens it.
  • Challenge it. Ask yourself: is this fear based in fact, or in old stories?
  • Take one small action. Even the smallest step forward shines light into the dark.

The boogeyman can’t survive in the light.

So next time you feel fear creeping in, don’t stay stuck in the dark. Reach for the switch. Bring it into the open. Remind yourself: you are braver than the shadows.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What fear have you been keeping in the dark?
  2. How does avoiding it give it more power?
  3. What would shining a light on it look like for you?
  4. Can you trace your fear back to old wounds or beliefs?
  5. What’s one small action you can take today to face it?

S – Stop letting fear grow in silence
L – Let the light of truth guide you
A – Acknowledge your fears instead of hiding them
Y – Yield to courage, not the shadows

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What fear did you finally bring into the light—and how did it change things for you?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s hiding from their “boogeyman,” send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a light to remind us we’re not alone.

Slay Say

YOU GET TO BUILD SOMETHING NEW

Not everything passed down needs to be carried forward.
Cycles of hurt, silence, or survival may have paved your path—
but that doesn’t mean they have to shape your future.

You’re not here to repeat.
You’re here to restore.
To choose with intention.
To lead with clarity.
And to become the version of yourself your lineage didn’t know was possible.

This is your reminder to be the shift they never saw coming.

SLAY on!

Living With Unsolved Problems

We all have them—those lingering problems we just can’t figure out. Maybe it’s a situation where someone won’t discuss or engage with us to find a solution. Maybe it’s something completely out of our control. Whatever it is, these unresolved issues can eat away at us.

For years, I let those problems take control of me. I thought I had to solve everything, to my own satisfaction. I couldn’t let things go. It literally drove me crazy, trying to force solutions where sometimes, there weren’t any. I didn’t know how to accept what was or give myself permission to move on. Back then, moving on and acceptance were not even part of my vocabulary.

But I’ve learned something.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

Acceptance Is the Key

Acceptance truly is the key to so many of our problems. Things often don’t look or feel the way we think they should—or the way we want them to—and sometimes, there’s just no way to change that.

For those of you who just recoiled at that idea, this blog is especially for you.

Nothing—absolutely nothing—is worth surrendering your peace of mind for, especially if it’s just to prove a point or make sure you’re right. That imaginary scorecard we sometimes carry around? It’s a heavy burden that robs us of our serenity.

For me, it became a matter of life and death. The things I fought so hard to control couldn’t be solved by me alone. When I finally let go and accepted that, my world expanded. I was able to look outside myself for new possibilities—and I found them.

Some Problems Just Can’t Be Solved—At Least Not Now

Sometimes, there’s no solution to be found. Maybe the situation has reached a standstill, or someone has passed, or circumstances just don’t allow for resolution in this moment.

But here’s the thing: letting something go now doesn’t mean a solution won’t present itself later.

I always say, “Never say never.” I’ve seen miracles in my own life where solutions appeared to problems I thought were impossible to solve.

Find peace with what you can’t solve today. Stay open to the possibility of resolution down the road—but don’t wait for it. Trust that if a solution is meant to appear, it will, when the time is right. Time has its own schedule, and we can’t rush it. Let it do its thing while you continue to live yours.

Protect Your Peace

There will always be things in life we can’t control or solve. If we want to live a happy life, it’s up to us to find peace and acceptance around those things. Do what you can to figure things out—but know when to walk away. Your peace of mind is worth far more than a forced solution.

Sometimes, no solution is the solution. At least for now.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise

Do you have a hard time letting things go?
Do you feel like you need to solve everything?
How do those unsolved problems affect your peace of mind?
What would happen if you accepted that some things can’t be solved—right now?
How could that acceptance set you free?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one problem you’re ready to stop forcing—and let time or acceptance handle?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone struggling with unresolved problems, send this to them.
Sometimes, just hearing “It’s okay to let go” makes all the difference.