sickness

Are You On Your Resentment List?

When I was on the path of recovery I was told to make a list of all the people who I thought had harmed me. I vigorously started writing. When I was asked to read it aloud, I was asked why I wasn’t on that list. I stopped and thought about that. I wanted to point the finger at everyone else for the pain and anger I felt, but when I thought about it honestly, no one had caused me more pain than myself, and I had a lot of anger toward myself for not being good enough, in my eyes, so why was I so quick to point the finger elsewhere? It was part of my sickness, that part that uses other things to distract me from what’s really going on. My disease wants to me think everyone else is to blame, because as long as I am pointing the finger outward I’m not going to look inward for a solution. On the flip-side, I also couldn’t focus on myself on that resentment list as a way to bash myself further. I had to find a way to use it to heal and to be accountable for my own actions.

I had always resented myself. In my eyes, I had always failed at being who I wanted to be or thought I should be. I never measured up in my eyes. I spent my life with almost unattainable expectations of myself and when I didn’t meet them I would mentally and verbally beat myself up. I not only resented myself, I hated myself for most of my life. But you would never know it. Outside of some self-deprecating comments, I put on a brave face and an air of “I’m fine,” while I was slowing rotting from the inside from my self-hatred. I talk about “my disease,” it wasn’t until I sought out help that I realized I had one, mental illness is cunning and it hid itself in my life from as far back as I can remember. Learning that I had an illness helped me to find some understanding, and eventually some acceptance and forgiveness for myself. It also helped me to find some new tools to live a life that I can be proud of, and one where I would take responsibility for my actions, instead of pointing my finger elsewhere. I don’t resent myself today, nor do I resent those other people who were on my list back then, because I know that for the most part, I played a part in those relationships, circumstances or altercations I was so upset about, and for those I had no part in, I could see that those people were, and are, fighting their own sicknesses and illnesses, and I can, today, find some compassion there, and in some cases, even relate to their struggle.

Beating ourselves up for past mistakes, or for being less than what we think we should be doesn’t make things any better, it never will, all it will do is keep us down, keep us sick, and keep us from reaching our full potential. Learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift we can offer to our heart and our spirit, finding those things we love about ourselves and celebrating that, not what we don’t like. Find more of what you do like, find the good in you and what makes you you, what makes you special, and you are special SLAYER, we all are in our own way, reach deep inside and find the light that is your special light and let it shine, not only out in the world to share with others, but shine it back at you and heal your hurt. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you resent yourself? If so, why? Do you have resentments towards others? Why? What, within those resentments, did you play a part in? If you had no part, can you identify the sickness in those people that may have caused them to act a certain way? Has an illness affected the way you’ve acted, is there something you’re struggling with and working to overcome? We all have our own battles SLAYER, it is important to love ourselves through our difficulties and also those around us, to find some understanding of what others may also be struggling with, and to not engage and put ourselves in situations that may harm us, or others, because it’s something we want or are trying to force into happening. Honor yourself, and those around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Does Feeling Bad Feel Comfortable?

When I was living in the dark, I wasn’t happy there, but it was what I knew, and where I felt comfortable. I was torn between being in love with my sadness and wanting to let it go. I didn’t know how to let it go, and I also was afraid to, because my identity had become my sadness, like a black cloak I pulled tightly around me. That cloak got heavier and heavier as the years went on, so much so it became hard to breathe from the weight of it, but I stayed there, and I kept wearing it until the weight of it became too much for me to stand and it brought me to my knees. I’m grateful I was able to reach that point. I am grateful I made it that long. That I found the strength in me to finally lift that heavy cloak off of me and leave it behind. I almost wasn’t able to. And I think the danger of that for me is why it needed to be that heavy, so that I always remember how dark and heavy that place was, and how difficult it was for me to get out.

Sometimes we stay where we shouldn’t because it’s all we’ve ever known, or, it’s what we think we deserve, even when we may realize that we should go, we can stay stuck thinking it’s better to live in a place that we’re familiar with rather than stepping out to unknown territory. We keep ourselves locked away, or sick, and find people who feed into that sickness so we can feel okay for being there, even possibly be encouraged to stay by those with us, as it feeds into their sickness as well. It takes a lot of courage to reach for the light, to change the way we’ve been living, how we’re living and who we’re living with. But we have to believe we deserve more, or better, or something different from what we’ve had to live as our authentic selves and discover what our true potential is. Because when we live in the dark, when we hide in those places that may make us feel safe, but are places we shouldn’t be in, we lose a part of ourselves, and the longer we stay there the more we lose. We step down on those places in our heart that are meant to shine, those parts of us we’re meant to share with the world, and ourselves, we suffocate our true selves and we slowly die there, and even though it can be terrifying to let go and trust that we’re not meant to live a life in the shadows, what we gain when we do is worth every moment of fear we have to walk through to get us there. And the more we we push past that fear to find our happiness, the less we’ll put up with anything, or anyone, that causes us to feel bad, and as we do, that dark place becomes less comfortable.

We have the power to change the place we live in our hearts, we can choose to live in a place that makes us feel bad, or one that gives us joy, one that let’s our heart shine, even if the place of sadness is all we’ve known, we can still see out our own place of happy. It does take some work, and some trust that you can get to that place, but as someone who found her way to her own I can tell you, it is possible, and once you’re there the possibilities become limitless. Go find your happy place and find it within you to believe you deserve it. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Does feeling bad feel comfortable? Why? Have you always lived in that place? If you haven’t, how have you found yourself there? Why haven’t you left? If you have, do you want to find a better place for yourself, a happier place, a healthier place to live? What does that place look like to you SLAYER? Can you imagine it? Where can you find that place? If you can’t imagine it, if you could make it up, being realistic about it, what does it look like, feel like, where is it? Can you find it? Can you work toward it? How? What steps can you take? SLAYER we are more than what has happened to us, we are more than what we’ve been told we deserve, or who we’ve been told we are, only we get to decide that, us, so take some time and think about where you are, why you’re there, and where you want to go, because you can go there, you just have to believe you can and get to work on getting there. I believe in you SLAYER, now it’s your turn to believe in yourself, and believe you deserve more than finding a comfortable place in your sadness.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you