Good morning SLAYER! When we don’t get the facts of what others’ expectations are, and we don’t share our own, we set ourselves up for heartbreak. We have the power to stop that. Get the facts! Share your facts! SLAY on!
New blog goes up Sunday.
facts
People Picker
Yup we all have ’em, but a lot of ours are broken. I used to complain about the “awful people” in my life and the horrible things they did to me, but, it was me who let them into my life, and, participated in those relationships. When we’re not living in our truth, as our authentic selves, and we’re not loving and nurturing ourselves, we’re not making the best choices as to who we let into our lives. It’s not those people’s fault they are wreaking havoc in our lives, or disrespecting us, we’re the ones who invited them in, and, have let them stay!
There are certainly times when we don’t have a choice, but today we’re talking about most of the time, when we do, and honing your people picker starts with you, I think you may have started to see a trend here, everything starts with us, we have to manage who and what we let in, and for me I run that through some tests. What is this person’s intentions? Do they respect me? Do they listen? Do I like them? What do I like about them? Can I trust them? (oooh, that’s a big one, if they fail that one they have to go, no matter what else they may bring to the table). Trust, yeah. Before I started on this journey I did have people in my life I didn’t trust, because my people picker was based on wants and needs. What did I want or need from this person, there were a few people who I just wanted friendship, but there were many that had a purpose, and when they didn’t behave and do what I wanted them to do, or they didn’t fulfill that purpose, well, I got mad, and resentful. But, let’s go back to trust for a moment.
How can we trust someone else when we don’t trust ourselves? That’s the ticket really. We have to learn to trust ourselves, to honor ourselves, and know that we deserve to be surrounded by good people who love and respect us, but we have to honor and respect ourselves first. We have to get quiet sometimes and really ask ourselves for the truth, we know what it is, we just don’t always want to believe it or hear ourselves say it, but that “gut” instinct we all have, if we listen, it tells us, and sometimes it’s quite obvious we just choose to look the other way, or hope it will change. It won’t, until we change. It’s our job to trust we know what’s right, and, who should be in our lives. People tell us who they are, they show us, and it’s now SLAYER that we have believe them. We can’t make excuses for them anymore and let them in, or stay in, when who they are and what they are doesn’t fall in line with our authentic selves, we are living in our truth, and if someone else isn’t, or doesn’t respect yours, they have to go. And listen, I have a lot of compassion for someone who is trying, if I can see they’re doing the work, I can give someone a lot of leeway, but if they’re just spinning the same story over and over and it’s tampering with my peace of mind or my way of life, then they have to go. No, they have to go, there was no ‘but’ after that sentence SLAYER. Now, that doesn’t always mean forever, sometimes your path might meet up with that person again, if you both are on the same path, never say never, but for the time being, it’s the end of that story.
People, relationships, have chapters and stories in our lives, and sometimes they have to end, or are supposed to end, you know when that is, when it becomes the same struggle time after time, or they let us down over and over, or betray us, that story is meant to end, we are the authors, write THE END, and close that chapter.
As we learn to do this, and as we become clearer in our thinking, we become more and more protective of our hearts, are people picker gets better, more exact, but always looks for the facts, what are the people in our lives showing and telling us, believe them, you may need to move on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you choose the people in your life? Are there people in our life you think shouldn’t be there? Why? Why do you think you’ve let them stay? Are you afraid to let them go? Why? Make a list of all of the people in your life, make pros/cons after each name, it should be obvious after you complete your list who should stay and who should go. If who should go scares you, know SLAYER, you are now honing your people picker, and even though it’s hard to say goodbye to who and what you know, you are starting a new chapter, a chapter filled with good people who love you for who you are. SLAY ON.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Stinking Thinking
I used to have some stinking thinking, and on a bad day, I still can. My default mode, when I’m not on top of my self care, is negative, reactionary, manipulative, and downright awful, I know now that those are all defenses I used to use to “protect” myself, and they were my go-to tools before I found better tools for my tool box, but, now I know better, so I don’t let myself get away with using those old ones, I also know that when I do fall into stinking thinking that something is off and I need to take a moment to look at the source of that. As an actor I always liken my job to that of a detective. I get a script and then I try to gather as many facts as I can and research to paint a picture of who that person is and why they’re doing what they’re doing. I talked about being the detective of your own life in Powerful Powerlessness, so taking what I do for work I also apply that with my thoughts in my personal life. My thoughts lie to me, a lot, and I know now how to listen but with a different perspective, I know my perspective can be skewed to the negative so I have to be careful not to let myself fall down that rabbit hole, I’ve worked too hard over the years to let myself live in that negative place, and it’s not the woman I aim to be, so that stinking thinking tells me I need to pause for a moment and get out my detective hat.
Our negative thoughts and actions can quite often have nothing to do with the truth of what’s really going on, but a reaction to something that’s been triggered in you. We walk around with a lot of damage from past experiences, especially if we haven’t been living as our authentic selves, we’ve probably not spoken our truths and have chosen less than ideal people and situations to get involved in, all leaving these really touchy triggers of times we may have felt abandoned, wronged, or not listened to, so in life, we can be minding our own business and then come across something, or someone, and BAM, it triggers something in us from our past, and the stinking thinking comes out in full force. This seems especially true with family and romantic relationships, they seem to have a special atomic reaction with our stinking thinking. Now identifying the source of these takes time, and for me, was aided a lot by counselling to put all the puzzle pieces together, but since these reactions are usually triggered by our past experiences this takes us back to forgiving ourselves, we haven’t gotten to forgiving those other people yet, but if we’re able to forgive ourselves it makes getting through stinking thinking easier. Again, the people we were when we were hurt, or maybe thought we deserved it, is not who we are anymore, we are SLAYERS, and as slayers we are moving forward, but we’re also learning from our past, so when the negative thoughts come up, instead of reacting to them immediately, pause….pause and ask yourself why they’re coming up, what about the situation or person is causing these feelings? As I said, it may take time to come to the truth, or you may need to seek some outside help like I did, but it’s important that you find the root to all of the evils that plague you, once you do, you are actually safer, and, it feels good to have a better understanding of what makes you tick, or ticked off, and why. As a SLAYER we want to have as much of the information as we can so we can make better choices for ourselves moving forward.
For me, I’ve found the answers to most of my triggers, which doesn’t mean I don’t get surprised from time to time, but armed with the information I do have I can typically get to the root of the matter and figure out why I’m being triggered, and if I need to do some more work in that area to clear away the negativity. We are always works in progress, but as much as that can seem overwhelming at times, it also means it’s OK to be fallible, to be human, to make mistakes, we are all here to learn, and sometimes it takes a while to get it, but you will, as long as you don’t give up. The fact that you are even trying is a huge victory SLAYER.
SLAY OF THE DAY: What areas in our life trigger stinking thinking? Why do you think that is? Do you know where it stems from? Looking back at those things, can you find forgiveness and start to love and nurture yourself in those areas? Write down 5 positive things about yourself. Smile SLAYER, smile, you are awesome.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Powerful Powerlessness
Sounds crazy right? The last thing I would ever admit to being was powerless over anything. I was strong, resilient, a warrior, I wasn’t powerless, I was….well, I was a mess. Don’t get me wrong, I had overcome a lot just on sheer willpower alone, but that only got me so far because it was only powered by stubbornness, the underlying truth was I felt like a piece of crap, and I was afraid you were going to find out that’s exactly what I was. When I was asked what I was powerless against the first time I thought, nothing, I am in control, well, clearly I was not or I wouldn’t have been on my knees asking for help years ago because my way had stopped working. So, it got me thinking. We are powerless over people, places, and things, we can not control them, we can try, heck knows I did, to the point of exhaustion, but at the end of the day people are going to do what they’re going to do, and life is going to, well roll on, in whichever direction it goes. This falls into acceptance again, but it’s also admitting that we have no power over those things, and once we do, we start to get our power back. See here’s how it works?
If we admit we don’t run the show what we are left with is the facts, and once we have the facts, we have power! We have the power to decide if this is the right situation, person, place for us to be, for us to thrive, for us to grow, be nurtured, challenged, and loved, and if it’s not, well, we probably shouldn’t be there. The more we ask ourselves these questions, and get the facts, then the more powerful we are.
Here’s another one, feelings aren’t facts. Now this can get tricky sometimes, because we “feel” like we should be with someone or somewhere, but, we now have to ask ourselves why, and what are the facts to back that up. It’s like we’re all detectives of our own lives, “just the facts Ma’am,” or Mister if the case may be, but we need to look at the facts, even if we don’t want to, and if we don’t, that’s usually an indication we are somewhere we shouldn’t be, our gut may be giving us a nudge. So, now that we are living in, or aiming to, our authentic selves we have to be careful where we go and what we do, we are precious cargo, we can’t just be throwing ourselves into situations like we used too! No, we deserve to be places and with people who appreciate who we are. Now that might mean that some people will fall away in your life, I’ve had to say goodbye to a few over the years, and it’s not easy, but, if those so-called friends or relationships aren’t supporting the authentic you, they need to go, and who knows, making the changes you are might inspire them to do the same. You’ll be amazed that when you start loving and respecting yourself how other people start to do the same, and if they don’t, well that’s a sign, and, a fact, they need to go. If those people are family, well, it’s not always easy to just say goodbye, but setting boundaries and limiting the types of interactions you’re having with them is step in the self love/authentic you direction. More on boundaries later, but, it’s about knowing the facts and making the best decisions for ourselves.
Someone who has been very instrumental in my road to recovery used to say to me, “when we know the facts we are safe because then you know what you are dealing with and can make the best decision for yourself,” but, at the beginning sometimes it was really scary to ask, it seemed easier to go back to my old ways and just assume or “hope” that things were the way I wanted them to be, or even worse, try to force it into being so, asking will probably not make you feel safe, but trust me, once you start doing it you will see that it is the only way we are safe.
It’s time to take our powerlessness over people, places, and things, and turn it into our power, our power to live authentically and live in the light.
SLAY OF THE DAY: What are you powerless over in your life? Who are the people, places, or things you don’t have all the facts on? What do you think will happen if you do? Is there something stopping you from find out the facts? Get the facts SLAYER, case closed.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
(Photo Credits: Photographer: Jay Bartlett Make-Up: Samantha Dellinger Jewelry: Hilliard Design)
