experience

Do You Want To Be Right, Or Do You Want To Be Happy?

I used to think that the only way to be happy was to be right, so I made sure I was never wrong, at least in my own mind. I would twist and turn things so I could always justify things in my favor, I was the ultimate spin doctor of my life. Even when I knew I was 100% wrong I would find a way to convince you, and myself, that I was right, and if there was something that I felt was unjust in the world or a situation, even if it had nothing to do with me I would find a way to insert myself and I would fight to the point of exhaustion because “I didn’t believe that someone should get away with what they were doing”, but what I was really doing was trying to make up for my own lack of self-esteem and self-worth by making myself feel important when I went into battle.

When someone first said to me, “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” it had never occurred to me that I might have been contributing to my own anxiety and frustration by continuing to fight battles I had no business being in, or fighting something I couldn’t win, only to satisfy my own pride and ego. There are situations that we can’t change, or have no business changing because the situation has nothing to do with us. There are times we stick our noses into situations just so we can put our boxing gloves on and get in the ring, it gives us a high, it makes us feel important, but it also leads to our own unhappiness and anxious feelings. I’m not saying that if you see someone in need of help not to jump in if you can and help that person, but it’s important in every situation to ask yourself if you belong in that fight, or are you just fighting for fighting sake?

I used to constantly stick my nose into situations I shouldn’t have, because I would say that I was helping, or righting a wrong, or an injustice, but no one was asking me to do that, and in fact, by trying to insert myself into a situation I didn’t belong in I was cheating the other person, or people, the opportunity to stick up for themselves, to find a solution, or to maybe learn to set a boundary for themselves. When we step in to fight someone else’s battles we are taking that chance away from them, for them to grow, learn, and to find the courage and pride in who they are to draw a line or learn to fight for who they are.

So many times I’ve heard people say, “that’s not right,” as they’re bubbling over with anger or anxiety. There are so many things that aren’t “right” in the world, but unless there is something you can do to change or help it, and you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes who should be changing it for themselves, you’ve got to learn to let it go, to find acceptance around it. It’s also nice to ask if  help is actually need, or wanted, before plowing in there ready to raise hell. It’s easy to get caught up in someone else’s drama, but it’s exactly that, someone else’s drama, it’s for them to work out, and unless they’ve asked for help, and even then, it may not be right for you to step in if it’s something they should be taking care of themselves, in those situations you have to step back. And, that may seem like a hard concept to swallow, but trust me, the result is a much happier life, and one of a lot less stress and frustration. I always try to keep my side of the street clean, but I also take a look at each situation and assess whether it’s actually on my street, or on the next block or city and I’m just crashing in to stir up trouble under the guise of “helping.”

Is putting our happiness on the line worth being “right?” It’s not. We as SLAYERS need to take care of ourselves, and sometimes the better option is to just take a step back and not get involved where we don’t belong, every battle is not our battle to fight, and sometimes even if it is our battle, it’s about taking the higher ground and learning to step away if it saves us from suffering at the expense of a battle that isn’t that important to fight in the first place. We fight for ourselves and those we love when it’s necessary, but learn to not pick up that sword for each and every fight we come across. It goes back to self-care, as warriors it’s just as important to take care ourselves and our own needs, to replenish, refresh, and rest, more than it is to slay ever dragon to comes our way.  Make sure you’re fighting the right battles SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you have to go to battle for every thing you feel is unjust or not right? Why do you feel you need to do that? Do you see that some times the better option for yourself may be to not engage? Ask yourself SLAYER, next time you feel like you need to jump into the ring, is this your battle to fight, or are you taking the job away from someone else who should be fighting the battle for themselves? If asked, or it’s appropriate, we as SLAYERS do step in to help, but not at the expense of our own mental health and well-being.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Perception: We All Have One

Before stepping on this path it never occurred to me that what I was seeing and hearing was being filtered through my own perception, I just took it all as fact, and reacted to it. What I didn’t realize is because I was living in a negative space, and quite often as a victim of the world and all of you, what I was seeing and hearing was skewed to fit the narrative I wanted to keep justifying. Often what was really going on was far from the way I had seen or heard it, making my reactions to it off and sometimes downright aggressive to the unsuspecting people I would encounter every day.

Perception is a tricky thing, even now sometimes I have to keep myself in check and ask myself if what I’m reacting to is really going on, or, is it just what I’m choosing to see and hear. Each of us has our own perception of the same things, and much of that perception is based on our past experiences, opinions, or whatever head space we may be in that day, and sometimes, it is whatever we’re wanting it to be based on expectations we had going in. Something to remember when we encounter people in our day to day life who may have a totally different perception than we do of that exact same event, and, just like with ourselves, we need to take into consideration that everyone else is fighting their own battles that we know nothing about, everyone, and in fighting those battles, is seeing things through their own filter, with their own perception. So, who’s right and who’s wrong? Well, it depends. It depends on who is taking in just the facts and who is lacing it with their own prejudices or preconceived notions of what was going to happen. It’s important to take stock of where we’re at and make sure we’re not bending the truth because of a bad mood, exhaustion, a case of being hangry, or maybe simply taking something out of context.

Misunderstanding someone’s meaning through email or text is really easy to do. It’s happened to me many times. We tend to read the words in whatever mood or head space we happen to be in, so a seemingly innocent message can come off angry if that’s the current mood we’re in, or if we’ve been harboring resentments against that person and haven’t worked on them and expressed how we feel. My recommendation always before immediately reacting is to pause, don’t do anything, maybe even go do something else for a while before getting back to it. Sometimes just taking a break does put things back in perspective and may help you read those same words differently. Something I also always do is ask myself if I can be misinterpreting the message, I question my perception because I know it can be off depending on what’s happening for me that day, sometimes just questioning myself can also put the words in perspective, as well as taking in the other person’s track record, do they typically talk to me like this, or does it seem out of character? Do some work before firing off a response and then hitting send. Trust me, you’ll make much less apologies when you practice this. Life is not a game show, we don’t get extra points for the fastest response, it never hurts to pause, and in some cases ask a friend for their opinion if you’re unsure yourself.

At the end of the day, we as individuals all see things differently, we all have our own opinions of the same events or information, we all bring our own history to every situation, the trick is to keep that into consideration before diving into an argument or engaging with someone you may have felt disrespected by, or offended by, ask yourself if that’s what’s really going on, and maybe ask someone else for their opinion. The idea is, we don’t just launch ourselves at someone without thinking it through, and reminding ourselves that someone else may be doing the same with us, so if you do feel attacked ask for clarification before lauding bombs back in their direction, communication is the key, and most of the time a simple clarification can fix things right up.

We are all human, we all make mistakes, remind yourself of that before becoming the judge and executioner in the course of a minute, what are the facts?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are there times when you know your perception was off about a person or situation? Why do you think that was? What can you do in the future to keep your perception on track? Are you able to have compassion for others who’s perception may be off about you or a situation? If not why? Do you see how easy it is to be wrong about someone or something because of the where a place you may be in your life? How can you remedy that, or work on that for the future. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You’re OK

You’re OK…you’re still OK…you’re still OK…and…you’re still OK. It’s easy sometimes to get caught up in your own head, to make something bigger than it really is, or get caught up in the drama or the ‘what-if’s’ of a situation, but at the end of the day, you’re OK. Before starting on this journey I used to build everything up to be a cataclysmic epic event, everything was life and death, even the simplest things, I would get my blood pumping, my heart racing, and my thoughts firing off a millions miles an hour, I would get totally worked up and then my anxiety would kick in, the doom and gloom, and the fear would take over, but none if it was real, it was all concocted in my mind, and blown way out of proportion. I would cause myself so much unneeded worry and stress because I wasn’t living in reality, I wasn’t asking myself what the facts were of the situation, if there wasn’t drama, I would produce it, and I would try to pull anyone and everyone into it right along with me. Really, most of it, was just made up in my head. The reality was, I was OK.

When we’re used to living in drama, and think that’s normal or where we deserve to be, or think that’s where we want to be, the rush becomes like a drug, and when we can’t get it we make it ourselves, but we’re only harming ourselves by doing it, and we’re harming those around us we pull them into the vortex of our storm. The result of that is we cause ourselves a lot of anxiety, and many of us reach for outside fixes to calm ourselves down, even tell ourselves we ‘need’ these things because of our ‘stressful lives’, so we drink, take drugs, shop, use people and relationships, and so many other things to calm ourselves and tell ourselves those things are our medicine for the stressful life we have. But, we’re the ones causing the stress.

When we engage with people who are not looking out for our best interests, the drama will come, the anxiety, the hurt, and in those places, we are not OK, we can make ourselves OK by stepping back, stepping away from those people, places and things to get out of the drama and into the calm, but we have to be diligent about not letting those people, places and things in the first place. We also have to get used to living without drama, and that can be difficult if that’s what we’re used to, but it’s what we should do, it’s taking it’s toll on you and it’s not worth the results and what it creates, it’s also not how we live as SLAYERS. We live in the now, the present, we know the facts, we are asking the right questions, so we’re making sound decisions, we’re watching our people picker, choosing the right, or better, people to surround ourselves with, we are asking for what we want, making our expectations clear, and checking in to see what our intentions are. If we are doing all of things, we are OK. We’re OK! Life will do it’s dance, it’s going to roll along doing it’s thing, and it’s going to throw curve balls at us, that’s what it does, but when we stay on track with all of those things that ground us and give us a strong foundation, it can’t rock us off what we’ve built, and no matter how difficult it might be to walk through, we’re still OK.

Every once in a while something will get me, it’ll sneak up on me or just trigger something from my past and my anxiety will spike, and I have to remind myself that feelings aren’t facts, I have to ask myself what I know to be true about the situation, and how I can take action to make it better. I’m OK. In those moments my breathing can get shallow, which is not going to help me in my solution finding mission, so I have to slow down and breath deeply. When this happens there’s a trick I use, I place one hand on my abdomen and one hand on my heart, and I focus on only moving the hand on my abdomen, if the hand on my abdomen is moving, I am breathing deeply. I focus on my breath and count in for four, pause, and count out for four, it calms me down, it also works if I’m having trouble sleeping, for me, it works for every time.

You’re OK. Whatever may be happening for you right now that is causing you anxiety may just be fear, fear of the unknown, fear of loosing what you have, or fear of not getting what you want, fear and worry are not going to help you solve any of your problems, and what are the facts of the situation, are these fears and worries based on any kind of fact, or are you creating drama when the facts don’t back them up. None of us can control what’s going to happen, all we can do is the footwork and then things will unfold as they are meant to, so worrying about them and living in fear isn’t going to change anything and it certainly isn’t going to make it better. Live in the now, what do you know for sure? What can you take care of right now? What can you do to lay the groundwork to solve the problem? Take action. You are OK…you’re OK…you’re still OK, keep breathing SLAYER, you’re still OK.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What causes you anxiety? Are some of these things you cause yourself? Is living in a place of anxiousness or drama your normal? Why? What if you made a conscious effort to not engage with your anxiety, to stop listening to your head and look at the facts of the situation, what are the facts? What can you do about them to change them if you don’t like them? What’s in front of your hands? Sometimes there just isn’t anything more, or anything at all, we can do in a situation, if that’s the case, accept that, accept you’ve done what you can do, and move on. You’re OK SLAYER, SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t let the past or other people hijack your life story, it’s your story to tell, you decide how that story is going to unfold and how it’s told, and if you don’t like the story you’re in, you have the power to change it.

The pen is in your hands SLAYER, start writing.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Story

You Are The Author Of Your Own Story

True story! You, and only you, are the author of your story, no one else gets to write your story, or tell it. You decide what your story is and how it’s going to unfold. We are not our past, or what’s happened to us, we have the power to walk tall, leave the past behind and start a new chapter, or a whole new book! Now as we were children we didn’t have a say in our own story, life rolled out in front of us without our consent most of the time, but as an adult we get to choose, we get to decide and we get to take control of our own story and choose what we want our story to be, we hold the key, our life is our story to tell.

Before stepping on this path I was always the victim. I always believed the life had it out for me, that it was out of my control and I was constantly being punished, and even if something good did happen, I thought it was really just life’s cruel little game so it could take it away from me later because I didn’t deserve it. None of that was true. Well, I made it true because I believed it. But the truth is, when I decided to get help, to live my life in acceptance, self love, and honor myself I realized that all of those blank pages in the chapters ahead were within my control and I could start telling a new story, my life wasn’t some runaway train that I was constantly trying to catch, or not get hit by, I was driving that train, and I had the power to slow it down and change tracks.

This blog has been a part of that story, and a way to combine the two, to share where I came from and how I live my life today, my current story. When I made a conscious decision to get help and do the work to heal and find a better life for myself, I changed my story, and took control of it. You also have that power, to take where you’ve come from and use that to tell the story you want to tell, one of survival, one of growth, one of love, and when you share your story you connect with other people who also have a similar story, or people who may find hope in your story and through that you find support and even more strength.

It’s also about doing the work. You, as the author, have to do the work to tell the story you want to tell, to have the life you want to live, otherwise it will be told by other people, places and things. Take ownership of your story and no one gets to tell you what your story is, or gets to tell it for you. The pen is in your hands and it only changes when you do. If you don’t like the story you’re telling right now, change it, do what you need to do so you are telling the right story, the right story for you, whatever you have to do. For me, my life depended on me changing my story, the story of my past was only going to lead me to one place, death, I had the gift of desperation to help me start a new story for myself, and once I started to believe I held the power to change my story, I got excited about it, I was no longer living as a victim, I took my power back because the power was all mine. And, it’s all yours.

When you think about your life, what you dreamed it would be, what you’re passionate about, who you’re passionate about, are you being true to your own story? Are you telling the story you want to tell? Are you the protagonist of your own story, the hero we’re all rooting for? Are you rooting for you? I certainly hope so. If not, you have some work to do SLAYER, but that’s OK, and, hopefully exciting because it’s time to start writing a new story, one you’re proud of, one your excited to share with others, and one that may unfold beyond your wildest dreams. It just may. But, you won’t know if you keep writing the same old tired story that isn’t serving you, and isn’t showing you in the best light, or your potential. Turn the page and start fresh.

Many times we don’t realize that our lives and stories are in our own hands, they are, and SLAYER, it is up to you to write the story you want to live and share with others, one that inspires you, excites you, and maybe helps someone else do the same. What do you want your story to be SLAYER? Start writing.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Does your current story reflect the story you want to tell? If not, why not? What’s stopping you from having the story of your dreams? What can you do to start writing the story you want to tell? Take action SLAYER, it’s up to you to do the work, and when you do, a new story will unfold, it’s on your hands. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

 

Don’t Leave Before The Miracle Happens

I almost did, well, I didn’t think I was worthy of any miracles, in fact it took a miracle, many in of them, to get me to this place I am right now. But, when I was in my darkness, I couldn’t see the light of anything that looked like a miracle, my thoughts told me there was nothing that  could save me from the hell I was in. I look back now and see how many miracles I’ve had, and I’m not any different from any of you, we’re all having them. The fact that we are here right now, that we’ve survived traumas in our past, that we’re still putting one foot in front of the other, and that we have all found each other is a miracle in itself. WE are miracles. We are! I’m talking to you SLAYER, you are a miracle.

No matter what we have set out to do, there will always be obstacles, life doesn’t get out of the way for us just because we’ve decided to live in the light, life goes on, on it’s own terms, doing what life does, and sometimes life gets dark, difficult, and seemingly out of control, and we may tell ourselves that that’s it, we can’t take it anymore, can’t do it, we’re out, but don’t, don’t leave, don’t get out, muster all of your strength to keep going, even if it’s just one inch, one second, one tiny bit forward at a time. You know why? The miracle is coming. I know because it’s happened to me and many people in my life. And, when it does come, still continue walking in the light, still keep working because sometimes the miracle isn’t even the big miracle that may be coming after! Stay on your path.

Having faith plays a big part in not giving up. For me, I connect with a power greater than myself, my HP, that helps, and when I do that I am reminded of all of the miracles that have come before, the good, the times I thought I might give up and then something happened, out of the blue to change my mind, or make things better, or just give me perspective, maybe even hope. When we hook into our spirituality, whatever that is for you, whatever grounds you, makes you feel safe, we are constantly shown the way, we are guided, we get signs, and it can be hard when we’re our darkness to reach out, to try to connect, but that’s when we have to dig in and do it! Find a way. For me, a lot of times, it happens when I’m in nature, walking or hiking alone, I find clarity there, even just sitting by the ocean and listening to the waves and birds, my mind opens up, but it’s different for us all, it can come through us in writing, music, books, friends, animals, anything, find your way and the way that speaks to you.

It’s also making an effort to keep our thoughts in the light, in the good, even when we feel like our light has dimmed, keep your mind on that light inside, remember when things have turned around, gotten better, gotten brighter, and fight for the light. Fight for the light.

When I started on this path, and had very little light in me, I made the decision to do what was suggested, to do the work, no matter how crappy it sounded, or stupid, to just do it, I gave myself three months and told myself that if I didn’t feel any better I’m going to stick with my original plan and take my own life, and after working on myself every day for three months, doing everything that was suggested and celebrating that milestone, I remember looking out to the world that used to look so dark, awful, and disappointing and I thought, I don’t want to die anymore, that was my first miracle on this journey, and there have been many more since. Don’t leave before yours happens.

All of this takes work on our part, and I know you might be thinking, I’m exhausted I can’t do anything more, you can, focus your energy on staying on your path and knowing it will get better, we’re all on there with you. Trust me, if you stay, and you do the work you need to do to move forward in a positive and healthy way, the miracle will happen, I can’t tell you when, but it will happen, and when it does, that’s not the time to slack off because it might not even be the big miracle that’s waiting for you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Can you list any miracles that have happened in your life? Do you believe that if you continue to live our life in the light, doing the work to better yourself and your life that miracles are waiting for you? If not, why? Write down something you would like to see happen for you as a result of your work, fold it up, put it in your pocket, purse, wallet, take it with you on your journey, keep doing the work, and see if it comes true. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Celebrate Your Wins

I never used to allow myself to celebrate my wins, either I felt I didn’t deserve them, or worried that others would feel I was bragging, or I thought if I talked about being excited or proud about something that it would be taken away. It took a lot of work to even accept a compliment and not try to make up a reason to explain it away, which I have since learned on this path that it’s actually an insult to the person paying you the compliment to not to accept it, you’re basically telling them they’re wrong. They weren’t wrong, and aren’t wrong, I was wrong to not allow myself to celebrate the good, the wins and victories in my life.

So many times we worry about what others might think that we gloss over the things we’ve worked so hard for, or the changes we’re making, but here’s the deal, if anyone in your life doesn’t celebrate along with you, they probably shouldn’t be in your life…or at the very least, if you don’t have a choice, kept at a distance and not be privy to the ups and downs of your daily life. Anyone who truly loves and accepts you is right there celebrating with you, even for the smallest thing, and, you are also there for theirs, see, that’s how it works. I love it when people around me are succeeding now, I used to sit in jealousy and harbor a resentment, that their life was going better than mine, but when I took my power back and learned to love myself, I started to realize that other people’s victories in my life we also my victories, when one of us rises, we all rise.

Like attracts like, so when the positive energy is flowing, it surrounds all of us in that circle, just so when someone in your circle is struggling, we all surround them to lift them up and support them through their dark days, and it’s important to celebrate the good days, even if you’re celebrating it wasn’t as dark as yesterday. Victory! Time for a celebration! Just having that attitude and the practice of allowing yourself to celebrate you is a victory, celebrate that! Allowing ourselves to be proud and sharing it with others also shows others, who may be struggling, that it can be done, that the dark days do pass, so, when you keep those things to yourself, just like how not accepting a compliment is doing the other person a disservice, so is not celebrating your wins, the others around aren’t seeing your progress, you’re hard work paying off, you making the decision to look for the good, to be positive and to move forward in the light. Keeping the good to yourself, well, it’s really kind of selfish.

So, get out there, tell the world and celebrate your wins, share, connect, and spread that positivity with those around you, that excitement and love for yourself is contagious and will spill out to those around you, and, perhaps even inspire others to get to work for their own wins, or, maybe see that they have a few of their own they should be celebrating. Don’t be afraid to shine bright, your light has the power to heal, not only yourself, but others, and the more you celebrate and work to live in the light, the brighter it gets, and the more powerful the light is all around us. You deserve to celebrate you, life has it’s challenges and each victory, no matter how small, is a huge victory for you, and a huge victory for us all.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How does the idea of celebrating your wins make you feel? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Why? How are you doing on forgiving yourself SLAYER? Have you been feeling love for yourself? If not, why? What’s holding you back? We here all love you and want to celebrate with you, what’s one thing that you can celebrate today? Write it down, put it in your pocket and carry it with you throughout your day. Tell someone about it, and ask them to tell you one of theirs. Stay bright, and pass it on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! We all make mistakes, and sometimes we hurt someone as a result of our actions, but it is how we take action after the fact that defines who we are. If and when it’s possible a simple ‘sorry’ isn’t always enough, it’s taking responsibility for the damage caused, and making amends to correct the behavior in the future or fixing the damage. We may think that we’ve done permanent damage, but miracles happen when we are open and honest about what we’ve done, the relationship may even strengthen where it had been weak.

New blog goes up Friday until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Flowers