darkness

Shutter Shame

How often have we let shame get in the way of living the life we want to have? How often have we let it limit us, hinder us, and diminish us? We think our shame is a way to protect us from being hurt, from being rejected, from allowing others to see who we really are, because we believe we are not good enough. All of this thinking is false. Shame isn’t real. We can make it real by believing in it, by buying into it, but it’s no more real than The Boogeyman, or whatever else we hid from as a child. We give it life by feeding into it’s energy. We give it permission to be active in our lives. We let it in by and let it grow by not talking about it, not sharing with others, and believing it’s lies.

Shame can manifest from many places. Childhood trauma, addiction issues, or even just the failure in something you place importance and value in. Once we have let shame in we typically engage in a series of behaviors as a result of feeling shame, we try to cover up our perceived flaws by overcompensating, by blaming and shaming others, by perfectionism, by lying, or by isolating thinking we don’t deserve or are not good enough to engage with others. Shame has a ripple effect, it’s not just our own stinking thinking that disrupts our lives, but it ripples out to all relationships we have affecting us personally and professionally. Shame holds us back from connecting, from sharing, from allowing us to be our best selves and from celebrating that. Shame steals our light and causes us to choose self-destructive behaviors to reaffirm shame’s negative voice that you are less-than and not good enough.

But really, shame doesn’t exist. Not unless we let it. When you think about it, you can’t touch shame, smell shame, taste shame, it’s not really there, so why do we give it so much power? Why do we have so much fear around it, when, only we can give it the power to hurt us? Why would we turn our power over to something that, when we let it, becomes so strong it can manifest itself physically in our lives? Many of us, while in shame, will feel flush, dizzy, have tunnel vision, have an inability to focus, hear loud noises in our ears, feel a tightness in our chest, have shallow breath, or not be able to make eye contact. When we’re experiencing this level of shame, we have lost control. We have completely given into it. So, how do we overcome the shame we feel and allow ourselves to be who we are meant to be, flaws, and all, and not only be that person, but be proud of who we are?

First, shame is a feeling and feelings are not facts. As I say all the time, what are the facts? What do we know to be true? If the answers start with “I feel,” that’s shame talking, not what is fact. Second, shame can’t thrive when we talk about it, when we share how we’re feeling with others, it diminishes it’s power. When we talk about our truth it brings in the light, shame can only survive in the darkness. Also, when we share, we realize that shame is not a unique feeling to just you, we all can relate, and when we feel a sense of connection of our common experiences shame starts to die and our relationships get stronger, and we feel a bigger bond to those around us, we realize that we are all the same, and that really, there is nothing to be ashamed of, we all make mistakes, we all fall, we all have lessons in life we need to learn, we shouldn’t feel shame over not getting something right the first time, or at all, because our path and our journey is on it’s own timeline, not someone else’s.

We all feel shame from time to time, but when we live as our authentic selves, when we share our feelings and connect with others, shame goes and hides. We have the power to stop shame in it’s tracks by not apologizing for who we are and who and what we love. Things may not look the way we think they should, but they look the way they are supposed to look, it’s up to us to find the good within that place, and to change those things we can that we feel we can do better. Tell shame to hit the curb, it has no place in your life SLAYER, practice self-love and acceptance and allow yourself to make mistakes, there is no shame in that.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel a sense of shame about yourself? Are there certain events or incidents that you carry around as badges of your shame? What are they? Have you ever told anyone about them? Why not? What do you think will happen if you do? What do you think is happening because you don’t? When you think about your shame, is it based in reality? Or is it based on your own perception of how think it should have looked or should look? Is it based on what others think it should look like? All that matters is that you live in your truth, through the highs and lows, just be you, no one gets it right all the time, it’s part of our journey and part of this path, shed your shame and shine bright, celebrate everything that is you, and take your power back over shame.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Which Wolf Are You Feeding?

I was recently with a group of friends and we were talking about the fight that many of us face each day, the internal struggle, the fight of good versus evil, one of them shared a story their Grandfather used to tell him as a child, an old Cherokee legend, it goes:

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

It made me think, which wolf was I feeding each day? Typically I’m feeding the good wolf, but on days when nothing seems to go my way, when I have a “run of bad luck” or I can’t seem to get out of a bad mood that’s a sign that I’ve been feeding the bad wolf, that I’m not taking care of myself and falling into old behaviors, because no matter what’s going on the outside, how I react, how I feel on the inside is in my control, and if I am loving, caring, and nurturing to myself, the bad wolf doesn’t come out, the bad wolf doesn’t take control, the bad wolf goes away and is chased away by the good wolf.

We have a choice each day, to feed the good wolf or the bad, it truly is up to us, we sometimes like to say it’s not, blaming others and outside things for our bad mood or attitude, but the bad is going to happen regardless, it’s the ebb and flow of life, it’s the energy we put into ourselves that determines if we are going to succumb to it or rise above it, because even in a bad situation, the good wolf can turn things around into something good, or at least see some light in the darkness. Our thoughts can be our own worst enemy, they can lead us down the darkest path, and keep us there if we let them, that’s why it’s so important to stay in the light, to live in a place of gratitude, even on a bad day, to share with others, and to give back, when we do these things we stop listening to those voices in our heads, we stop thinking about ourselves and we start thinking about how we can be of service to others, and when we do, we step into the light. If we live our lives in the light we find others there, others who are also living in the light, or at least trying to, others who will love and support us as we navigate through the choppy waters of life, they’ll be there with a boat or a hand to help us to safety. But we have to do the work to stay in that place, it’s our choice and in our control in the end.

We get out of life what we put into it, and if we’re feeding the bad wolf bad is what we’ll keep getting, if we focus on feeding the good wolf, good will come, bad will also come, but, it will be a lot more manageable with the good wolf on our side, and there will be a whole group of others, feeding their good wolves, to surround us and help us through our dark day. SLAY on my wolverines!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to feed the good wolf or the bad wolf? If you’re feeding the bad, why are you doing that? Do you see how it is your choice what you feed? Do you see that if you focus on the good that your life will get better? What holds you back from feeding the good? What are you afraid of? Challenge yourself SLAYER, to feed the good wolf this week, to focus on the good, and live in gratitude, no matter what comes your way, keep feeding the good wolf, and watch a pack surround you with love.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

This Too Shall Pass

Nothing lasts forever, but when I’m sitting in the muck of my mind it seems I’m doomed for all eternity, my mind likes to tell me that anyway, and I used to believe it. When we seem to be living under a dark cloud it’s like time slows down, and the crap just keeps piling on, our legs get heavy, and so does our head and our heart, and it’s hard to move. But let me tell you a secret, you can move, you can move from all of that, you just have to…well move! We have the power to make a dark day turn bright and to walk away from the crap that’s holding us down, keeping us back, telling us that we’re meant to drown in the muck we find ourselves in. We fight, we scream, we stand up and know this place, this darkness, will not last forever, it never does, unless we let it, but like a thunderstorm it rolls through, reeking havoc, and then passes on it’s way, our personal storms are no different.

The trick is to remember that when you’re in it. Sometimes that can be hard, because the darkness is so deceptive, so relentless we see no end in sight, but it’s there, it’s always there, and just knowing it’s there can help us navigate through the dark until we find our way out. Our thoughts can lie to us, they can lead us to dark places and keep us there. Mine did for much of my life, and I believed the lies it told me, the lies that said that I wasn’t good enough, that people wouldn’t like me, that it was better, and safer, to isolate and stay alone, and the longer I listened, the louder the thoughts got. It took a lot of fight to quiet them down, but I did, and so can you.

This goes back to a lot of what I’ve talked about already, it goes back to self love, self forgiveness, and self care, that’s a lot of self, but, we need to take care of our own needs to make sure we’re in tip top SLAYER condition when things come our way, if we are it’s much easier to navigate through those murky waters, and to not believe those negative thoughts when they come up. When we think back to the dark times in our lives, they always passed, or at the very least, got brighter, life ebbs and flows, and there are always going be times when we’re riding high or clawing our way back, the trick is to remember, and believe, that you will be back on top, and that you deserve it! Don’t believe the negative hype! It won’t always be like this, it won’t, the sun will come back out and shine bright, as will we. It’s easier to weather the storm when you can stand up against it with a brightness from within, light your own way on your own path and find your way out. Sometimes it can be just as simple as laughing it all off, not taking it seriously and walking away, waiting out the storm, but some in cases it’s more serious than that, so, we trudge our way forward, doing the necessary footwork that may be needed to resolve what we can resolve, and then smile, oh yes smile, and let it pass, it will pass, the sun is just on the horizon.

Even though you may feel beaten down, in the darkness, alone, and tired, you have the strength SLAYER to get up and fight, you have it within you to walk through the darkness and find the light by using your own unique beautiful light to light your way, and use all of ours if it’s still too dark, we’re all with you on the same path shining bright. Don’t be afraid, don’t despair, don’t let it tell you it’s won, it hasn’t, unless you let it, and you’re a SLAYER, so look it right in the eye, pick up your mighty sword, smile, and say to yourself, this too shall pass and I will win, and so it will, and you will win.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When in your life have you gone through dark times only to see them pass over time? When have you managed to work your way out of a dark time? How did you do it? When you are in a dark place, is it hard for you to see or find the light? Does it seem like it’ll last forever? Does it? If you are in a dark place now SLAYER sit quietly and envision yourself surrounded by white light, a light so bright it lights up the room and all around you, take that light with you to shine in the dark areas of your life, let the light in and the darkness will fade away.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you