fragile

Laughter: A Sign Of Good Health

When I first stepped on this path and made a commitment to get better there wasn’t much to laugh about. I had hit the lowest bottom I ever had, emotionally, physically and spiritually, my life was hanging in the balance and every moment felt very fragile. When I began to look for support, and for others like me, who were struggling to find a new way of living, and those who already had, I was surprised to find how much laughter there was in their recovery. I had not yet found the humor in where I found myself at all, and yet, often I would hear people share their stories or offer comfort to others with a sense of humor and laughter at the places they had come from or things they had once did. That laughter, that sense of humor about where we had come from and where we found ourselves in that moment helped to make things OK, it helped me to realize that the place I found myself was not a death sentence, nor was it a place where I was meant to suffer for the rest of my life and have no fun, the work I had to do was serious, but I didn’t have to take myself so seriously, in fact, to recover, to get better, to find this new way of life, it was going to help tremendously to find some humor in my own situation if I was going to be able to let go and move on.

My Mom, who has had her struggles with health over the years, has always said, “if I’ve lost my sense of humor I’ve lost everything,” even in the moments when she was in the worst pain or discomfort. I remembered that as I set out in this new journey, that I too needed to hold on to my sense of humor as I stepped forward and began to heal. Even in the very serious place I found myself, in terms of needing to come clean and get help for the way I had been living, and to find a way to live with my mental illness, it helped to look for those moments that I could laugh at, and they were harder to find at the start, but they were there. Life is really what we make it, and even in our darkest days we have a choice how we’re going to look at it and deal with it. As painful as much of my early recovery was emotionally, it helped to lighten the load with some laughter where I could, but, I had to be careful. I had built up such a strong wall to protect myself that I had also used my sense of humor to deflect and hide behind. I had to be careful in those early days to not use my laughter to try to escape the truth and brush off the work I was needing to do. The laughter could not be self-deprecating, it couldn’t be an act to hide how I truly felt, and it couldn’t be at someone else’s expense, my laughter had to come from a place of humility, to connected and relation to someone like myself and as an act of healing.

As I got better so did my sense of humor about the road that had brought me to my knees. I realized that my suffering was a result of my disease along with choices I had been making, and many of those choices, looking back, now seem pretty funny, even though I had justified them at the time, but to be able to look back and find the humor from a happier and healthier place, allowed me to put some perspective on how bad things were and how bad many of my choices were. And that laughter helped me to create bonds with others, like myself, who had traveled down similar roads. Our laughter united us and made us stronger.

When we find ourselves on those dark moments of our life it can be difficult to find the humor in our situation, but just finding one thing could make the difference of struggling through another day, or finding the light on an otherwise dark existence, that laughter just may be the key to opening the door and setting yourself free. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you take yourself seriously or are you able to find the humor in things? If you’re not able to, why not? If you are, how do you look for the humor in your day-to-day life? How has humor helped you through a difficult time? How has it connected you to people like yourself? And how have those connections helped you on your journey? If you have trouble finding the humor your day, how can you look for those moments to find it and maybe lighten your mood? Can you think of something in your past, that now, looking back, may seem funny to you? Do you see how finding the humor in those moments allows the light to come in? Find those moments SLAYER. Look for the humor in your life, allow yourself to laugh and let yourself heal from those darkest days.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Loved Into Loving

When I first stepped on this path I hated myself. I didn’t even know if I was worth saving, or that I could change the way I felt about myself. I had lived so long as a liar and had done so many things to harm myself, I was so ashamed of the place I had taken my life that I wasn’t sure there was a way back from that. I was lucky enough to have had a friend who had come back from a very similar place and he found his way back, and not even back really, he found a new place, and he found self-love. He was the one I reached out to at my lowest low, when my head was telling me that the only way out was to die, I was blessed with enough fight in me to pick up the phone, instead of something else, and ask for help. Walking on this new path was scary, I felt exposed and fragile, and I was. It was the first time in my life that I was truly being honest, with myself, and those around me, that was scary, especially for someone who hated herself. The thought of having to let out my deepest darkest secrets and somehow find love for myself in the process seemed like an impossible task, but I was blessed with an incredible group of people around me who supported me, and, loved me into loving.

I didn’t really understand what they meant when someone would say to me that they would love me until I could love myself. At first, it just seemed like a line someone would say to make themselves look and sound better. I mean, I hated myself, and I have the most to gain by finding self-love, so how could someone else love me when I didn’t? Then I also thought, well, if you do love me it’s because you don’t know me yet, once I tell you who I really am, that will change, and that love will go away. But it didn’t. In fact it got stronger. The more open and honest I was able to be with these incredible people, and myself, the more they loved me, so much so that I could feel it each time I let my guard down a little more, and little by little, through their love, I began to love myself. It was easier to see love through their eyes, to see how much they cheered for every one of my victories, to see how they were there on those difficult days, and to encourage me to keep going and discover my true self. I certainly had doubt along the way, but it helped on those days to have their support and love to remind me that I was worth fighting for.

Before starting this journey I didn’t tell people I loved them openly, it was very rare. It’s not that I didn’t love the people in my life, I did, but because I didn’t feel it for myself I was hesitant to say it to others because I felt like it was mostly just words. When you tell someone you love them it comes from that place of love in yourself, like your love is shared with them, or your love recognizes the love in them and acknowledges it, so when I only felt hate towards myself it felt false to say that I loved someone else. As I began to feel love for myself through the love of others, and through doing the work I need to do to forgive, accept myself and let go of the past, that love I was now feeling for myself spilled out to the people in my life, and it certainly spilled out to the people who loved me into loving.

Love is the most powerful vibration in the universe. When we tap into it, whether ourselves, or through others, miracles happen. I’ve often said to SLAYERS who are having a bad day of self-doubt and self-hatred, that I love them, and if they respond in a way that tells me they don’t, I tell them again that I love them anyway, and I’m happy to love them for them until they can find the love for themselves. You have to let the love in to let it grow inside of you. We are all worthy of love, and we all have the ability to love ourselves, if we just let that love in. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you love yourself? If yes, why? If not, why not? What stops you from loving yourself? Why do you think you’re unlovable? Are these reasons valid today or stories from your past, or someone else’s opinion who may be struggling with love? What are three ways you can show yourself love today? How can you share that love with others? When someone tells you they love you, do you believe them? If not, why not? Do you tell people you love them? If you do, are you lying? You’re not SLAYER. Find your way into self-love, whether through the love of others, or by showing someone you care about the love you have to share. Sending out or receiving love gets you into loving, yourself, and those around you. I love you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you