self-discovery

Suicide By Installment

When I look back at how I used to live, I can clearly see how my behaviors and choices led me to the edge of my emotional, spiritual, and physical bottom. I didn’t wake up every day actively wanting to die, but it felt like I was slowly choosing to end my suffering through the choices I was making—death by installment.

At the time, I couldn’t see another solution to the pain I was in. I wasn’t sharing my struggles with anyone, so the only voice I heard was the negative one in my head, and it told me I was right. I wouldn’t have said I was on a path of self-destruction, but now, standing nearly 14 years beyond my worst, I can see it clearly.

Recognizing the Patterns

It’s always easier to see patterns in hindsight—the choices, the behaviors, the downward slide. When you’re in it, it’s much harder to see just how far you’ve fallen. Often, the people around us can see it, but while we’re caught in the spiral, we’re rarely willing to hear it.

In my life, there were countless signs that my actions were compromising my safety, health, and spirit. There were moments that should have been wake-up calls. But instead of asking for help, I brushed them off and kept going.

At first, I lived in denial. When things went wrong, I’d tell myself it wasn’t that bad. But denial eventually gave way to shame, guilt, and finally, apathy. I stopped caring. And when you stop caring about your own well-being, you’re playing a dangerous game—one that could end in disaster.

I’m incredibly fortunate that someone came into my life who recognized what was happening. They shared their story of recovery with me, and for the first time, I saw hope. They showed me that a different life was possible—if I was willing to work for it. Thankfully, I was.

The Power of Choice

Many of us engage in self-harming behaviors—whether it’s neglecting our physical health, ignoring our mental and spiritual wellness, or taking risks that put us in danger. Sometimes it’s subtle, and sometimes it’s glaring. But no matter how it shows up, it’s a slow march toward destruction.

The truth is, we hold the key to our own well-being. It takes rigorous honesty and humility to look at the choices we’re making and ask ourselves: Are these choices serving me? Or am I slowly writing a story of decline, one installment at a time?

A Turning Point

For me, the turning point came when I was willing to face the truth—that I was living in a way that was harming me, that I was denying myself the life I deserved. I had to be honest, with myself and with others, and I had to surrender.

That surrender wasn’t weakness. It was strength. It was reclaiming my power and choosing to live.

Where Are You Today?

We all make choices every day. Some lead us closer to the light, and some drag us deeper into the shadows. The question is: Are you making choices that honor your life and your worth?

If you’re on a path that’s slowly breaking you down, it’s time to stop. It’s time to ask for help, to speak your truth, to make a different choice. You deserve more. But first, you have to believe that.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Looking back at your life, do you feel you’ve made choices that serve you? If not, why not?

  • Have you changed the way you live to reflect more positive, life-affirming choices?

  • Are you still making choices that harm you or lead you down a destructive path?

  • What can you do today to stop this cycle?

  • Do you believe you deserve to live a healthy, fulfilling life? If not, why not?

You matter, SLAYER. I believe that. Now it’s time for you to believe it, too. Take that first step—share your truth with someone you trust, and open yourself to finding a new way forward. SLAY on.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one change you can make today to choose a healthier, more fulfilling path?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who might need this message, send it to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Overthinking Overtalking

There is so much power in a pause—not just from our mouths, but from our minds.

Before walking this path, I was always thinking and talking too much. Worried that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted or that I would lose what I had, my mind and mouth were always running. Part of it was my desire to control the uncontrollable—people, places, and things around me. And part of it was that I didn’t trust myself, or that I was enough or had done enough.

My overthinking and overtalking would kick in, exhausting me and causing my mind to spiral as I tried to figure out every possible angle. I had to learn to trust myself—and the footwork I had done. I had to believe that I, and it, were enough.

The Root of the Noise

Reaching that point took a lot of work. When I stepped onto this path, I realized that I didn’t trust myself or believe I was enough in any way that counted. To counteract that feeling, I overthought and overtalked, hoping to appear prepared and to prove I had something of value to add. But in reality, I was only closing myself off from the world.

I was so determined to think and talk my way through life that I wasn’t listening, observing, or just being in the moment. It’s in those quiet spaces where we learn and take in the most. Not knowing how to calm my mind, I let it—and my mouth—run wild, assuming I’d hit the mark eventually if I just kept shooting in the general direction. I wasted a lot of energy shooting in the dark.

Learning to Trust Myself

Learning to love myself and to accept that I was enough became the turning point. It became less important to prove that to others. I knew I was enough, and that was enough.

I learned to slow down—through breathing, pausing, and listening. It’s amazing what we learn when we listen and allow ourselves to not know everything. I committed to saying yes to new things, to learning what I truly liked, rather than assuming or condemning something before even trying it. Once I opened myself up, I realized how little I did know.

The answers tend to come in those quiet spaces—in the moments when we stop, find some peace, and just be. And finding that peace took time and trust. I had always felt I had good intuition, so I began to connect with that place, practicing it daily. When I’m uncertain about the next right thing, I go there to listen for the answers. They don’t always come when I’d like, but they do when they’re meant to.

I also discovered the magic of writing. When I sit and write how I feel, I’m always amazed at the insights that emerge. The answers begin to form right before my eyes.

The Power of Listening

Today, I often find myself quiet—not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I know something better might come if I just listen. And when I know I’ve done what I can, I let it go and allow it to unfold as it’s meant to. I don’t get in the way or continue doing the work I’ve already done, hoping I can force the outcome. I’ve learned the hard way that I cannot.

Allow yourself to listen and find the answers. None of us knows everything, and you might be amazed at what’s right in front of you, showing you the way. Leave room for exploration, humility, and direction. You might be surprised at what you discover if you step aside and let it in.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Do you tend to overthink and overtalk? How does it show up for you?

  • Why do you think you do this? Have you always done it?

  • How does it harm you? How can you create space today to pause and just listen?

  • When have answers come to you because you allowed yourself to be quiet? Write down an example.

  • Remember: when we let go and listen, we give the answers space to come in.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one way you’ll practice quieting your mind and listening for the answers today?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who struggles with overthinking or overtalking, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Creativity Takes Courage

It takes real courage to put your creativity out into the world. When we express ourselves creatively—whether through art, writing, music, or any other outlet—we’re exposing a part of ourselves. We’re showing something personal and vulnerable. And that can be scary.

The fear of criticism, rejection, or being told we’re “not enough” can stop us from ever taking that leap. So many people let their creative spark die out because they’re afraid of what others might say—or worse, what they might say to themselves. But here’s the truth: your creativity is a gift. And the world needs to see it.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

Overcoming the Fear

Before I found my own courage, fear kept me small. My creative fire was there, but it was often snuffed out by my own doubts. Opportunities would come my way, and instead of stepping into them, I let the voice in my head—the one telling me I wasn’t good enough—hold me back.

That voice, that negative “committee” in my head, whispered things like: “You’re wasting your time,” “You’re not talented,” or “You’ll embarrass yourself.” And for a while, I listened. I let those fears rob me of moments where I could have shined. I let them convince me that I wasn’t worthy of good things.

It wasn’t until I started learning to love myself—truly love myself—that I found the strength to fight back against those lies. I realized that fear was never the truth. The antidote was embracing vulnerability, leaning into my creative spark, and trusting that I was enough as I was.

Your Unique Light

Every single one of us is born with talents. They’re uniquely ours, and it’s up to us to nurture them and share them with the world. When you embrace your creativity and let your voice be heard, you give others permission to do the same.

It may feel like a leap of faith at first. But every time you step into your creativity—whether it’s a small act or a grand gesture—you’re building confidence. You’re feeding that inner flame.

Trust in the creative force inside you. Let it guide you. Believe that what you have to offer is not only enough, but valuable. When you embrace your gifts, fine-tune them, and share them, you inspire others to do the same. And sometimes, your greatest talent is simply having the courage to show up and express who you are.

SLAY OF THE DAY

  • Do you believe in yourself and your creative talents?
  • When opportunities arise, do you share your creativity, or do you hold back? Why?
  • What inspires you about the creativity of others?
  • Have you had a positive experience sharing your creative gifts? How did that make you feel?
  • If a past experience wasn’t positive, what could you have done differently to change that?
  • How have you grown by expressing your creativity?
  • What’s one courageous step you can take today to share your creative fire?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one creative step you’ll take today that makes you feel brave?
Share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s inspire each other to let our creative flames burn brighter.

And if you know someone who’s holding back their creative gifts, share this with them.
Sometimes, we all need a reminder that we’re capable of more.