empty

Never Let The Things You Want Make You Forget The Things You Have

I used to live in a constant state of want. Of always having to have the next great thing, or what I perceived as the next great thing I had to have. I used things to try to fill that void inside, that dark empty place that can’t be filled by outside things, but I didn’t know that, and I just kept making lists of things I thought I needed. The pursuit of those things and the moment of attaining them became my only sense of joy, but that joy was fleeting because I then would move on to what I “needed” next.

It took me a long time to realize what was really important in life. And it wasn’t until I got better, and started to love myself, that I started to place importance on the important things in my life, and it wasn’t things, it was people, relationships, peace of mind, finding a sense of calm and well-being. Nothing I could ever buy would ever fill those spaces, and I realized that I had a closet full of things that now felt empty and cluttered up my life. I also realized that in my pursuit of the next great thing I had lost sight of what I already had. There were things that I loved, or that reminded me of a special time in my life, or a person, and I had pushed them aside to accumulate more stuff.

It’s easy, in the world we live in, to stay in a perpetual state of want. To feel like if we don’t have the latest shoes, handbags, phone, jeans that we are less-than. But those things, however nice, will never fill you up the way loving yourself can, honoring who you are, and those around you, of nurturing friendships, relationships, of participating in life and giving back. Now, I’ve owned some pretty nice handbags in my day, and still do, but not one of them ever gave me back what the important things in life have.

During this weekend of Thanksgiving spend some time appreciating what you have. Take stock of who you are and the gifts you’ve been given, or those things you’ve worked hard to get or achieve, appreciate all of it, acknowledge it, and celebrate those things in your life, celebrate those people in your life who truly know, understand and love you. And let them celebrate you. Let love be what you pursue, whether love for yourself, others, or just showing love where you see it’s needed out in the world. That is truly the greatest gift of all, to give away, or show yourself love. That cannot be bought. And is truly priceless. No matter where you are in your life, you always have love to give, and, can choose to allow yourself to let it. Let love in and let it fill in those dark empty places inside of you, it’s the only way you truly can. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you get caught up in having to have the next and best thing? What was the last thing you had to have? Did you really need it? Do you still appreciate it? How long did you have it before pursuing the next big thing? How many things do you have that you’ve never used, or possibly still have the tags on them? How many things do you own that you never use? Do you feel you could be buying those things to fill a void you feel inside? Do you see how those things will never fill that void? How do you think you can fill that void in your own life? Have you done these things in the past? How did you feel after? Why don’t you do them more often? Find ways to do them SLAYER, find ways to give yourself love and to send love out to the world. Cultivate the healthy relationships in your life, put your time and energy into those instead of the pursuit of unnecessary things, and place your peace of mind and self-love at the top of your list of the next great thing to attain.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Find Your Own Fullness

I’ve written about feeling empty before, that at my bottom it felt like there was just an empty hole inside of me, I was just the vessel, I was dead inside. I tried to fill that hole with many things, relationships, control, alcohol, shopping, sugar, work, anything I could grab that I thought would fill me up inside. The trouble was, nothing could. None of that worked, maybe some of it did temporarily, but as my mental health got worse, I wasn’t even getting a brief hit of satisfaction anymore, it all just felt empty, but, not having a solution outside of those things, I just kept trying them in bigger quantities. When I finally surrendered and asked for help, I had to stop all of those things I used to use, and even though they had long stopped working, I was terrified to feel the emptiness I did inside without any way to dull the pain. I learned that only I could fill that void, nothing outside of myself would have ever have filled it. The question was, how the heck was I going to do that? I had always felt that way, from as far back as I could remember, I always felt empty, like something was missing, the question was, what was missing?

Well, for one, self-love was missing. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t even like myself, so that added to that feeling of emptiness, and as the pain of self-hatred increased, so did the blackness inside of me. With no vices to hide my pain, I set out to find what would fill me up. That seemed like a tall task, but I knew my life depended on it, and the promise to finally stop the pain was enough to get me motivated enough to try. I was told there was a solution, and that how I felt was within my control, I just had to learn how to fill myself up with meaningful things that would set my soul of fire. So, aside from learning to love myself, I set out to find myself, to find out who I really was. There was a lot of self-discovery, a lot of saying yes to new things, with new people, and there was lot of me discovering what my spirituality was. And I gave myself the gift of time to figure it out, by not setting parameters, just walking through my days with the intention to learn and grow. Over time I started to feel fuller, that blackness and emptiness started to fill up and I did start to love myself. That love came from forgiveness, it came from acceptance, and it came from a newfound appreciation of who I was, yeah, that started to happen. It happened when I made an effort to let go of the way I had been living and learn a new way, a better way, a way in the light, a way I could be proud of, a way that let me be my best me, and let me love me. This journey took time, but once I started to fill myself up I realized that nothing on the outside every would have done that job for me, it only made me feel more empty.

It’s easy to look around and think that a new car, a new friend, a different city, another event will fill you up, and it might, for a while, but outside things will never fill an inside job. Find out what fills you up, take the time to get know you, to love yourself, and go on quest to find all the ways you can fill yourself up with your own fullness, until you do, you will always be chasing the next thing to give you that little bit of full that will keep you going, but, over time, you may just be running on empty because those solutions are not the solution of finding your full. If you couldn’t use any outside things to fill yourself up, how would you fill that void SLAYER, that, is the question only you can answer. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What do you use to fill yourself up? Are these things that can be bought? Are these people? Places? Things? What if you couldn’t use those to fill yourself up and only had to use yourself, how would you do it? What makes you feel full? What of those things can you not buy? Do you still have some things on your list SLAYER? Find more of those things, discover those things in your life that fill you up inside that you cannot buy, learn what they are, find a connection to those things that give back to you, that is the only way to truly feel full, and the only way to learn who you truly are.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Hole In Your Soul

Before stepping on this path that best described me, I had a hole in my soul. I didn’t know that I did, I just knew I had this emptiness inside of me that I could never seem to fill. And I tried, with so many outside things. But nothing I grabbed for could fill that hole, that emptiness, that darkness inside of me. The more I tried to fill it with distractions, with things, with people, with anything I could get my hands on, the emptier it felt, until finally I just felt like I was one big hole inside, just completely empty. I’ve shared this before on SLAY TALK LIVE that when I look back at pictures of myself from those years, I can see the emptiness inside, the deadness in my eyes, and the pain I was trying to hide. The picture attached to this post is an example of that.

It took a major breakdown to realize that I needed help, that I needed to try something different from what I had been doing my whole life to try to save my life because I was on a collision course with death. When someone mentioned to me that only I could fill that hole, and that it was an inside job, I got scared, I hated who I was and thought I was doomed, there was no way I was going to be able to infuse any kind of positivity into the darkness I felt when I hated myself as much as I did. If that was the key to my survival, I thought, there was no hope. But managed to find some hope, I found it within others who had done, or were filling that hole inside of them, who were working on themselves to better their lives, I saw it in them, and that was enough to want that for me too, I didn’t know if I could get it, but I made the decision to try, and not just try, to fight for it, because my life depended on it.

It started out by starting over. By throwing out all things I had used to get by, to survive and start with blank slate. Those things, in the end, weren’t really helping me survive, they were only masking the problem and would eventually kill me. So it was time to clean house, and I did. I have never been so terrified in my life, I felt like I was standing naked in front of a stadium full of people, but if I was going to get better I had to learn a new way of living and stop hiding. I had to learn to forgive myself, I head to learn how to love myself, and I had to learn how to live my life in the light, that all seemed like a tall tasks, and at times, impossible, but nothing really is if we commit ourselves to it and get to work. I had a lot of help, and I mean a lot, and I got to work like it was my job, because it was, the job of getting well, of fighting for me and my survival. I did it in steps, and did what I could in the moment, knowing that this was a life-long path, that I didn’t have to do everything all at once, or perfectly to move on, I only had to do what I could in that moment, and trust that was enough for now to move on. I had a lot of guidance from those who had walked before me, and also a counselor who helped me work through my anger and frustration about my past, and make sense of it as I moved forward. I can’t say it was easy, but I found my light.

Looking back I realize that the answer to all my problems was finding that self-love and compassion for myself, of letting go of the wheel, per se, and stop trying to run the show, stop trying to control and manipulate life to suit my needs, and trust that there was a plan, trust that I am always exactly where I am supposed to be, and if I don’t like that place, learn why I’m there, so I can move on. That hole in your soul is fillable, but it can’t be filled out outside things, it can only be filled by you, by love for yourself, by forgiveness, and by connecting with something bigger than yourself to find your place. Finding this for yourself is not an overnight project, it takes time, years maybe, but it can be done, today I feel full love, and no longer reach out to fill a void, that hole has been filled, and what is there today is what I share you with here on STATE OF SLAY.

SLAY on my friends, SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like there is a hole in your soul? What have you done to try to fill it? Has it worked? What has it done? How do you think you can fill that hole? What do you think is missing? What can you do this week to work on filling that hole? Nothing and no one outside of ourselves can fill that hole we feel inside, that is an inside job, learning to love our insides is the trick, but it is the first step to finding peace within ourselves and our way out of the darkness.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you