Before stepping on this path that best described me, I had a hole in my soul. I didn’t know that I did, I just knew I had this emptiness inside of me that I could never seem to fill. And I tried, with so many outside things. But nothing I grabbed for could fill that hole, that emptiness, that darkness inside of me. The more I tried to fill it with distractions, with things, with people, with anything I could get my hands on, the emptier it felt, until finally I just felt like I was one big hole inside, just completely empty. I’ve shared this before on SLAY TALK LIVE that when I look back at pictures of myself from those years, I can see the emptiness inside, the deadness in my eyes, and the pain I was trying to hide. The picture attached to this post is an example of that.
It took a major breakdown to realize that I needed help, that I needed to try something different from what I had been doing my whole life to try to save my life because I was on a collision course with death. When someone mentioned to me that only I could fill that hole, and that it was an inside job, I got scared, I hated who I was and thought I was doomed, there was no way I was going to be able to infuse any kind of positivity into the darkness I felt when I hated myself as much as I did. If that was the key to my survival, I thought, there was no hope. But managed to find some hope, I found it within others who had done, or were filling that hole inside of them, who were working on themselves to better their lives, I saw it in them, and that was enough to want that for me too, I didn’t know if I could get it, but I made the decision to try, and not just try, to fight for it, because my life depended on it.
It started out by starting over. By throwing out all things I had used to get by, to survive and start with blank slate. Those things, in the end, weren’t really helping me survive, they were only masking the problem and would eventually kill me. So it was time to clean house, and I did. I have never been so terrified in my life, I felt like I was standing naked in front of a stadium full of people, but if I was going to get better I had to learn a new way of living and stop hiding. I had to learn to forgive myself, I head to learn how to love myself, and I had to learn how to live my life in the light, that all seemed like a tall tasks, and at times, impossible, but nothing really is if we commit ourselves to it and get to work. I had a lot of help, and I mean a lot, and I got to work like it was my job, because it was, the job of getting well, of fighting for me and my survival. I did it in steps, and did what I could in the moment, knowing that this was a life-long path, that I didn’t have to do everything all at once, or perfectly to move on, I only had to do what I could in that moment, and trust that was enough for now to move on. I had a lot of guidance from those who had walked before me, and also a counselor who helped me work through my anger and frustration about my past, and make sense of it as I moved forward. I can’t say it was easy, but I found my light.
Looking back I realize that the answer to all my problems was finding that self-love and compassion for myself, of letting go of the wheel, per se, and stop trying to run the show, stop trying to control and manipulate life to suit my needs, and trust that there was a plan, trust that I am always exactly where I am supposed to be, and if I don’t like that place, learn why I’m there, so I can move on. That hole in your soul is fillable, but it can’t be filled out outside things, it can only be filled by you, by love for yourself, by forgiveness, and by connecting with something bigger than yourself to find your place. Finding this for yourself is not an overnight project, it takes time, years maybe, but it can be done, today I feel full love, and no longer reach out to fill a void, that hole has been filled, and what is there today is what I share you with here on STATE OF SLAY.
SLAY on my friends, SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like there is a hole in your soul? What have you done to try to fill it? Has it worked? What has it done? How do you think you can fill that hole? What do you think is missing? What can you do this week to work on filling that hole? Nothing and no one outside of ourselves can fill that hole we feel inside, that is an inside job, learning to love our insides is the trick, but it is the first step to finding peace within ourselves and our way out of the darkness.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you