Before walking this path I thought I knew better. About everything. I thought I knew how things should be run for myself, for you, and everyone else out there. As far as I was concerned, you were all doing it wrong, and if you would just listen to me, life would have been going smoother for all of us. Now, many of you thought as I did, that you knew better, and you may have, but I was determined to run the show, so I spent a lot of energy trying to control, manipulate and force things into being my way. All that really got me was a trip to my own personal bottom and a lot of frustration and heartache along the way. We, as human beings, do not have ultimate control over people, places and things, and if you think you do, you may find you are also heading toward a personal bottom. There is so much that is out of our control each day, in fact, most things, but, what we can control, and what we are in charge of, is our actions and reactions to those things around us, that is it. Anyone else’s business is, well, their business, and unless they’ve asked for help, or your opinion, then it’s typically not welcome. So, when I was living in the dark, I had to first check my ego at the door and admit that I didn’t know everything, and when I honestly looked at where my thinking had got me, I had to admit I didn’t, because I never would have chosen to have gone to the place I did, but, I am so very grateful it did.
You see, for me, it took me hitting a personal bottom to realize I didn’t know everything, and that maybe, my thinking had gotten me there. As much as I wanted to blame circumstances or other people, no one had forced me to live my life the way I had been, no one had forced me to take the actions I did, and no one had forced me to live in ego and not take the suggestions of those who may have known better, or who had made them out of care and concern. I did all of it, by myself. Now, yes, I was living with untreated mental illness, but even knowing I wasn’t doing well, feeling well and that I was getting worse, I still chose to muscle through trying to force things into happening instead of looking at things as they were. I did live my life as if I was the director, of life, and you were all just there for me to direct, and when you weren’t taking that direction I would get angry, and, many times retaliate. I was the one who caused myself the most stress, pain and anger, I suffered the most at my own hand, so to finally get help and be told that I had to vacate that director’s chair and stop trying to control people, places and things felt scary. Control had always been something I would cling onto when I felt scared, or uncertain, and I had never been as scared or uncertain as I was when I walked into recovery. But, like most things, it takes time to get used to a new way of life, taking little steps in the right direction, and as I did, it became less scary, and that need to try to control started to slip away. Now, that’s not to say that it can creep up again, and it does, usually when I am feeling unsure about something, which is now an indicator that I need to look at why I’m feeling unsure, not jump down the rabbit hole of control and start to hang on for dear life.
We are not the director’s of life. We only know our part, and our part is big enough to focus on, of being our best selves and finding ways to contribute to society, not try to make it what we want it to be. Let go of the reigns you may be holding, trying to run the show, and learn to accept life on life’s terms, making improvements to yourself and the community around you if it benefits the whole, not just the way we want it to be. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you try to control people, places and things around you? Why do you think you do this? Do you realize that you do this? Have you been told you do this? By whom? Do you agree with what they’ve said? Do you try to fix other people and situations as a way to keep the focus off yourself? Do you realize that may be why you’re doing that? What if you focused on being your best self and not trying to fix those around you, allowing them to walk their own journey as you walk yours. What if you let go and focused on what scares you, and why, and let that guide you to some work on your own recovery and healing, stop trying to direct the show and focus on your part, once you do, your role may become clearer and how your role may fit in to the bigger picture.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you