Now this one seems like a no brainer, but how many of us hang out, or choose to spend time, with people who don’t really like us? When we are not feeling good about ourselves, when we are not proud of ourselves or we are feeling less than, we look for people who we can spend time with who may be lower companions, people we feel are far worse off than we are, or at least, just as bad, because we think they won’t, or can’t, judge us. We may also look for people who will continue to tell the narrative we’ve been telling ourselves, one that we may have been telling since our childhood, so we look for those people who will help us to continue to tell that story, one that may keep us sick and dull, dimming our light. It seems crazy that we would do that, purposely look for people who will keep us in a place that is not our authentic selves, but we do it, and many times we do it without even realizing that’s what we’re doing.
We have to believe we deserve good people in our lives, and we have to believe we are also one of those good people. For me that took some work. I hated myself, and thought if you could see the real me, you’d hate me too. So I looked for people who wouldn’t ask a lot of questions, or would believe the person who I pretended to be so they would like me, or at least like me around. I also looked for people who were confrontational, or who I could rise out of, so when I wanted to fan the flames of the story I would tell myself, that I was a bad person, that person would oblige, reinforcing that story. When I made the commitment to get well I had to really look at the relationships in my life. I had to ask myself why I had chosen each person, and if, within this new lifestyle, they could stay. Most did stay, but some had to go. The people I did keep in my life did like me, even when I was living in my sickness, or struggling, they liked me even more, and even loved me during my toughest times. And where I used to not trust someone if they had liked me, I now was able to start liking myself by allowing myself to see what they saw. I was able to back into my own self-love, or like, through theirs.
When we have people around us who like us, support us and cheer us on, we can do anything, but we have to allow those people into our lives, we have to seek them out, and if we’ve chosen the wrong people as we move forward into a positive place, we have to let them go. Each person we choose to have in our lives is a reflection of us and who we are, and if we’re truly being honest with ourselves we have to look at the group of people we’ve surrounded ourselves with and ask ourselves what is being reflected back at us by those people. Find your group of people who like you, who love you, who support you and want the best for you. Surround yourself with them, keep them close and allow them to lift you up when you need to be reminded how amazing you are. Look for those people who like you, who understand you, who want the best for you, and like you just as you are and who you are working to be. Let those who you let into your life represent who you are and the journey you are choosing to take. Make sure they like you, and most importantly, make sure you like yourself. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you choose the right people to spend time with and be in your life? What types of people do you look for? How do the people in your life inspire you? How do you hurt you or tear you down? Why do you let them? Are you wanting them to tear you down? Why? What if you choose people who lift you up? What if you only allowed people in your life who liked you, encouraged you, loved you? What do you think would happen? Do it SLAYER, focus on those people, or find them, they’re out there, look for the people who are walking the same path as you are, look for the people who you can relate to, who you feel comfortable listening to, and who will cheer you on as you work to be your best you. Stay in the middle of these people, and when things get tough, find some strength within their strength, and let them propel you to the next level. Stay in the middle of the good.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
I’ve been thinking about my relationships quite a lot, lately. Not just whether they’re healthy toward me, or not, but wondering if I’m holding any of them back.
I have issues. Sometimes, I’m a lot to deal with, and I don’t always put my best self forward or handle things with grace. So, I wonder if I’m causing more strife than a relationship is worth. It’s hard to know if those thoughts come from empirical observation, or if they’re a byproduct of my ‘ebb-and-flow’ cycles of mental health. It’s easier to point to an obviously abusive situation and say ‘Yeah, this ain’t workin’ for me. I’m not gonna let you hurt me, anymore. I’m out.’ than it is to honestly ask ourselves ‘What if I’m the bad guy?’
Asking my people outright is a nonstarter. “Do you think it would be better for both of us if we stopped having a relationship?” feels like emotional manipulation, even though that wouldn’t be my intention. On the other hand, how can I make unilateral decisions about the status of my relationships without even getting input? What if I choose to end a relationship, and end up causing unnecessary pain, all because of my own insecurities?
I realize we have the freedom to walk away from any situation or person that isn’t helping us become our best selves, but should people who have a dysphoric view of their reality halt contact with their circle in the hopes of lessening the burden they feel they’ve unfairly placed on them?
Carrie, as usual, you’ve given me a lot to ponder. I think I’ll bring this up in group, and see if I can get some perspective.
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We are each only responsible for ourselves. It is not for us to determine if we are too much for someone else, only they can speak to that. What we are in charge of is being our best selves, and in those times we find we cannot be, we honor ourselves by being honest about how we are in those moments. No one is perfect, everyone has struggles, difficult things to walk through, and each and every day is different. The people in your life may need you on those days you think you are at your worst, but only they can determine that.
Focus on you, being your best you, walking through those days that challenge you, and stay out of the business of others to determine whether you are too much trouble, you are an incredibly beautiful woman, doing best you can, just like the rest of us.
SLAY on!
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Wow! You have an amazing gift of cutting through all the noise in my head, and making actual sense. I’ve been ruminating on this topic for weeks, and in just a few sentences, you’ve helped calm my worry. Thank you, Carrie. FFS, I just didn’t see it.
I’m so grateful for you. You’re wonderful.<3
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Usually things are really simple, our minds just like to complicate them. Glad to be of service SLAYER!
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