There are moments in life that split time in two.
There’s before it happened.
And there’s after it happened.
And sometimes, that “it” is something you would give anything to erase. A betrayal. A loss. A mistake. A failure. Something that shook you so deeply that, even years later, you still catch yourself saying, “If only that had never happened…”
I’ve been there. More than once.
For a long time, I believed the only way to be truly happy again was to go back—back to the way things were before the pain, before the fallout, before the day that changed everything. But the truth is, there is no going back. There’s only forward. And learning to move forward doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t hurt, or even pretending you’re glad it happened.
It means learning to love what it taught you.
It means finding peace in the fact that this unwanted thing—this thing you thought would break you—has also shaped you into the version of yourself you are now.
The Lie We Tell Ourselves About “If Only”
When something painful happens, our minds get stuck in loops. We replay conversations. We imagine different choices. We rewrite endings that never came.
It’s a way of bargaining with reality: If only it hadn’t happened, I’d be happier. If only it hadn’t happened, I’d be whole.
But here’s the truth no one wants to admit—those loops keep us chained to the very thing we want freedom from. Every time we run through the “if only” scenario, we hand over our present to a past we cannot change.
And if we’re not careful, we start defining ourselves by the wound instead of the healing.
What It Really Means to Love the Thing You Wish Hadn’t Happened
Loving what you wish hadn’t happened doesn’t mean excusing it, approving of it, or romanticizing pain. It’s not toxic positivity, and it’s not saying, “Everything happens for a reason” as a way to shut down your feelings.
It’s about recognizing that you did survive it. That it’s part of your story. And that by accepting it instead of resisting it, you can take back your power.
When you love what you wish hadn’t happened, you’re saying:
- “I see what this taught me, even if I never wanted the lesson.”
- “I won’t let this moment define my future in a way that keeps me small.”
- “I can carry this with me without letting it weigh me down.”
That shift—acceptance over resistance—is where freedom begins.
Turning Pain Into Purpose
If I look back at my own life, the moments I once wished away have given me some of my greatest strengths.
The heartbreak that shattered me? It taught me how to listen to my intuition.
The loss that felt unbearable? It taught me to love harder and to cherish the present.
The mistake I swore I’d never recover from? It humbled me, made me more compassionate, and connected me to people I never would have met otherwise.
When you learn to love what you wish hadn’t happened, you’re essentially mining your pain for gold. You’re pulling the wisdom from the rubble. You’re saying, “If I have to carry this, I will make sure it makes me stronger.”
Choosing to See the Gift
This is the hardest part—seeing the gift in the thing you never wanted.
Sometimes the gift isn’t obvious. It’s not wrapped neatly with a bow. It might take years before you see how something awful set the stage for something better.
But I believe this: Every wound has the potential to be the very thing that builds your wings.
That doesn’t happen automatically. It happens when you choose to look for the lessons. When you decide that your story will not end in tragedy, but in transformation.
You Don’t Have to Like It to Learn From It
There’s a misconception that acceptance means approval. It doesn’t. You can still hate what happened. You can still grieve it, still wish it had been different.
Acceptance is simply saying, “It happened. I can’t change that. But I can choose how I live with it.”
And sometimes, “living with it” means integrating it into your story in a way that honors your growth instead of your grief.
From Scar to Strength
Your pain is not who you are.
It’s part of your story, but it’s not your identity. The thing you wish hadn’t happened might always sting a little, but with time, the sting fades, and the scar becomes proof—not of what hurt you, but of what couldn’t break you.
When you reach the point where you can love that scar, when you can look at it and think, That’s where I grew the most, you’ve taken back what was stolen from you.
That’s when the thing you once wished away becomes the thing that shaped you into the person you were always meant to be.
SLAY Reflection
- What’s one event in your life you still wish had never happened?
- How has holding onto resistance kept you tied to it?
- What’s one strength, lesson, or relationship you have today because of it?
- How would your life look if you could accept it fully?
- What’s one small step you can take this week toward making peace with it?
S – Stop replaying the “if only” loop
L – Look for the lessons, even if they’re small
A – Accept that it’s part of your story, not all of it
Y – Yield to the growth it’s given you
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one thing you wish had never happened—and how has it unexpectedly shaped you for the better?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s stuck wishing they could erase the past, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
