In the past I placed a lot of importance on what you thought of me, I would have never have let you known that, but I did. I also navigated through life hiding who I really was, I may have felt like a freak, but I thought of that as a bad thing, and I wasn’t going to let you see that. I think for many of us we have a few different versions of ourselves that we let the world see, and sometimes we do have to wear different hats in our lives, for me, there’s a professional hat, the one I wear when I’m at a work function , on set, or a meeting, and then there’s this gal, the LET YOUR FREAK FLY gal, who is the woman I now allow myself to be, the true me. Now don’t get my wrong, the freak fly gal is still going to work with me, but she’s a little more subdued, until I get to know my audience, because in a professional setting I need to be, well professional, but what I am most proud of now is that in my personal life I am living as my authentic self. Now, I’ve talked a little bit about that in earlier blogs, but today I wanted to talk about it in more depth.
When I started out on this journey over 11 years ago, I had no idea who the heck my “authentic self” was, and truthfully, she kind of scared me, I’d spent most of my life crafting this persona, finding out who I really was could mess all that work up. I had never asked myself what I wanted, what I liked, or who I was, because I was too afraid to ask, I didn’t think I deserved it anyway, and, I was too busy pretending to be someone else or numbing myself that those questions never seemed to get answered, and the more I pretended to be someone else, the more my authentic self was lost. It was like I was in a black hole, and I had to fight my way out.
I encourage you to take the time to ask yourself the questions above, who are you, what do you like, and what do you want, and don’t second guess the answers, there’s an authentic you dying to get out, and it may take time to find that you, but that’s OK, life is not a game show, there’s no buzzer that’s going to sound off because the time ran out, you are on your own timeline, and sometimes it takes, well, time. But take the time to ask yourself those questions. For me, I didn’t always get answers right away, so I was encouraged to say yes to new things so that maybe I might find out, and that’s what I did. If someone invited me to do something I had never done, I said yes, no matter how much it scared me or how little I knew about it, I just said yes. What I learned from that was what I liked and wanted to do, and, that saying yes without knowing everything can be scary, but doing things that scared me started to become exciting, because the more I did them the healthier I was becoming, I was stepping outside of my comfort zone, and, the more more I stepped out, the more I was learning about myself. Say YES. If I hadn’t said yes for all those years, there is no way I would have started this blog. The thought, 12 years ago of opening up to all of you and telling you my innermost thoughts was terrifying, cringe worthy, and yet, after all these years of saying yes, here I am, and I am better for it.
When I teach, another thing I just said yes to, I always tell my students to “let their freak flags fly” because that is what makes us all unique, it makes you different than everybody else and what sets you apart, and, what I’m really saying is, it makes you authentically you! Discovering what makes you authentically you is what is going to give you a part of your foundation that’s going to allow you to honor, respect, and love yourself, it’s something to celebrate. We are all different, a big YAY to that, how boring would the world be if we were all the same, so celebrate those things that set you apart, celebrate you, and trust me, whatever freaky thing you think you have or are, there are a whole bunch of people who will love you for it, I already do you freak! Go out and discover you, and, what makes your freak flag fly!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Does the thought of new things in your life scare you? If yes, why? What was the last new thing you tried doing? What did you take away from doing that? What is it that makes you unique? Do you celebrate those things? Celebrate them and challenge yourself to say yes to new things.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
Great words Ms C. Thanks for your candor!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laura! Thank you for stopping by! A true SLAYER indeed! Much love.
LikeLike
Growing up I was so afraid of failure and disappointing anyone. If someone was mad, it must be my fault. My Dad was in the Army, then regular law enforcement and the bulk of his career in federal law enforcement. I was frightened to wear things I wanted to wear because I might disappoint him. He never supported my choices for choir or theater anyway. He fawned over my sister’s innate gift of ball, which he had as well and they spent all their time on the ball fields until she quite coaching college softball and became a cop.
I always felt like I had to do the right thing, say the right thing, wear the right thing. By college, Dad said he wouldn’t pay for a music degree (I wanted to teach or go into therapy), so my saved money went to my equal love of history which he couldn’t say no to. Again with the idea to teach college.
For fear of upsetting anyone I took all masks off, and went no makeup, ponytail tail (easy to put pencils in), jeans and t-shirts or sweaters. I had married and Wm has Aspergers. He really didn’t care when I was in college/grad school.
Once I had my own house though I did start to branch out and find me. Funny socks, wierd tastes in the historical world, differin religious and political values from my family. I found I became a Liberal Hippy Momma much to my Dad’s chagrin. But I still find I want to please him when we talk.
After being in a cage of migraines and other neuralgias for the last 10+ years I *can* tell you this. I know I have a fear of failure and I know my Libra desire is to keep everything balanced. That ain’t gonna happen. I’ve gotta a chance to do what I always wanted to do, no matter how I look, dress, etc. All that matters is my heart and why I’m doing something. And making sure I am harming none.
Thank you Carrie. These were some deep places.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Love that you found and nourish your inner freak!
I relate a lot to what you’re saying.
I always thought if I was the “perfect girl” that I could fix everything and make everyone happy at home. What I know now that I didn’t know then was, that wasn’t my job, and, I couldn’t.
We are all our own people, individuals, and even though we might share blood or DNA with someone, that doesn’t mean we are, or have to be the same. We need to be US, authentically.
I’ve found that the more I live authentically, and from a place of self love, that those who used to push back at my lifestyle, ideas, or thoughts, started to ask questions because they saw a change in me, and if they didn’t, I just kept on living and loving my freaky ways. In the end, it’s our life to live and it’s decided by us, not those around us.
Shine bright wiseoldowl72, wear your funny socks and be proud, maybe even dance around in them a little. You are authentically you, and that’s something to celebrate!
SLAY on!
LikeLiked by 1 person
My journey started two years ago. Two years ago I received the news I had to undergo surgery, a hysterectomy. I put on the 100th mask. Telling people I was fine, I never wanted to be a mom. After the surgery, when I got home, there was 6 weeks recovery. 6 weeks me and my mind. Alone. Everything and all went through my mind. The years of an emotional and physical abusive relation, everything. The one thing my mind kept screaming the loudest was what is left, I’m not good for anything. I fell in the black hole and I fell deep. Talking about it, was not possible, I was still wearing 100 masks. Until the masks got too heavy, I had to make a choice. Leave or stay and take them off. Luckely there was just enough spark of life in me and I chose to stay and got help. The first question I got, or one of the first, was where I wanted to go, what did I like to see Willeke to be. For me that was the first time that someone asked me that. Till this day I feel that is the most important question someone asked me ever.
I’m still answering that question, because I find new things I like or want almost every day. I also think it is a question you have to keep answering. As you grow, as you change, your authentic you changes with you.
One of the things I discovered about authentic me, is that is like to travel. After years of being locked up inside afraid to go out, that scared the hell out of me. But I did it, this year I will visit my best friend in America. Ticket is booked. Now I’m just a little scared and just a lottle excited.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Agreed!
When we are living authentically and saying YES to new things, we are constantly learning who we are and what we want to do. As you said, it’s always changing, how exciting is that?! There is always something new to discover when we open ourselves up to the outside world and new experiences, and, maybe taking a trip we’ve never taken before.
I’m so proud of you, that the work you have done has gotten you to this place, sometimes it takes a lot of pain and heartache to get us there, I know for me it brought to me knees, but when we look back we see that all of those things had to happen to get us to a place of surrender, to a place where we were willing to make a change and to fight for ourselves.
You are a winner today because you fought, and continue to, and you realize that you are not fighting alone, you’ve reached out through your fears to connect with others. You, and all of us, are better for it.
Thank you for sharing your truth and your story, you are a valuable human being, shine bright and continue to shine for others who may still be in the dark.
LikeLike