Patience is something that I never had when I was living in the dark. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now! If something was taking longer than expected, or just longer than I wanted, it caused me anxiety. I couldn’t let it go, I would stew and stew over it which only made the waiting worse. It was like I thought that I could somehow just will things to happen faster or in a way that I wanted. A lot of my energy was used up in this pointless endeavor, as to whether I wanted it faster or not, things were going to generally roll along as they were, and there wasn’t much I could do about it, the only thing I was doing was causing myself more suffering.
When I made the commitment to get better I had to learn to be patient. I was taught that my job was to do the footwork and then let it go. And, really let it go, not say I was going to and then sit in agony while I was waiting for the result. That took some practice, and some times still does, it can be a challenge. We can only do what we can do, what happens after that is out of our hands. It may still weigh us down, if we let it, but to learn patience and learn to let go we have to learn to sit in our suffering and be OK with it. We, after all, are the ones that are causing our own suffering, it is in our hands, and until we learn to sit in it, waiting for the results to happen naturally, we probably won’t learn to let go and stop the suffering we’re placing on ourselves. Suffering doesn’t feel good, it’s not a fun place to live, so when I finally realized that I held the key to setting myself free from that suffering I got my power back. It was me that was causing that suffering from my own expectations, by my own selfish wants and desires and by my unacceptance of the truth. I had to learn that I didn’t always know what was best, that should have been obvious to me by where I had found myself emotionally and spiritually prior to coming into recovery, but sometimes it takes some more lessons. I was not God, or the universe, or any other entity or space larger than myself, I only knew what I knew, and that was very little when compared to the overall bigger picture of what happens each day in the world. So, I could focus on my goals, things I chose to work for or tasks I needed to do, but once my part was done I had to learn to walk away and wait for the results. The suffering was optional, and it was there at the beginning as I learned patience. Sitting in that uncomfortableness and not trying to intervene, manipulate or try to push things along faster was difficult at first, but feeling what I felt while I carried around my fears and frustrations while I waited felt worse, so over time I did learn to let it go because the suffering wasn’t worth the pain when it had no effect on the end result anyway.
When we first begin to practice patience we do sit in our suffering, but we only suffer as much as we allow ourselves to, we can let go and be patient without the pain and anxiety of waiting for something to happen. We have that power, and, we likely will only start to use that power when sitting in our suffering becomes greater than the fear of letting go. Allow your uncomfortableness to remind you that letting go is the right decision, and that your suffering is a sign that you are hanging on where you are not meant to be. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you try to force things to happen? What is the result of that? Are you able to let go at times? What is the result of that? Those times you are able to let go, how do you feel as opposed to the times you keep holding on and suffer? Which do you think is better for you? Which is more difficult for you? What can you do to let go instead of suffer? We all have a desired result or outcome we would like in any circumstance, but trying to force a conclusion or end before it is time will only result in frustration on our part, when we can accept that things happen in their own time, and as they are meant to, we free ourselves from the suffering that burdens us as we wait.
S – self L– love A – appreciate Y – you