We often think of people-pleasing as a “nice” trait. We want to be liked, avoid conflict, and make others happy. But here’s the hard truth: people-pleasing is actually a form of manipulation.
I know that might sting. It did for me when I first realized it.
People-pleasing isn’t just about kindness—it’s about controlling how people see you. It’s about shaping their perception, keeping them happy so they won’t be upset with you, leave you, or think badly of you. And while it might look selfless on the surface, underneath it’s driven by fear and control.
When you live in that cycle, you’re not actually being authentic—you’re performing. And no performance lasts forever.
The Hidden Cost of Pleasing Everyone
For years, I lived in a world of quiet performance. I wanted everyone to like me. I thought if I kept everyone happy, no one could hurt me. I said yes when I wanted to say no. I laughed at things I didn’t find funny. I took on tasks I didn’t have time for. I agreed with opinions that didn’t reflect my own.
At the time, I thought I was being “easygoing” and “kind.” What I was really doing was trading my authenticity for approval.
Here’s the problem: people-pleasing keeps you stuck in a loop of resentment. You give and give to avoid conflict, but inside you feel empty, angry, and misunderstood. And the worst part? People aren’t seeing the real you—they’re seeing the version you think they want.
People-pleasing is not generosity. It’s fear in a nice outfit.
People-Pleasing Is About Control
When I finally started doing the work on myself, I realized that my need to please wasn’t selfless—it was controlling.
I wasn’t just helping others. I was managing their reactions to me. I was trying to avoid discomfort, dodge rejection, and secure love and approval without ever having to risk showing my true self.
Here’s the truth:
- When you say yes but mean no, you’re lying.
- When you overextend yourself to avoid someone’s disappointment, you’re manipulating their perception.
- When you pretend to agree just to keep the peace, you’re abandoning yourself.
It’s hard to admit, but once I faced it, I felt…free. I wasn’t “nice.” I was scared. And I was hiding behind compliance to stay safe.
Breaking the Cycle
Learning to stop people-pleasing is like building a new muscle. At first, it feels foreign. It feels risky. It even feels mean—because you’re so used to putting everyone else first.
Here’s what helped me break free:
- Get Honest About Your Motives
Before saying yes, ask yourself: Am I doing this out of love and choice, or fear and control? - Sit with Discomfort
Saying no, setting boundaries, or letting someone be upset with you will feel uncomfortable. Sit in it. That discomfort is your freedom forming. - Reclaim Your Voice
When you start telling the truth—“I can’t commit to that,” “I don’t feel comfortable,” or simply, “No”—you’ll feel your power return. - Detach from Approval
Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will understand you. But people who love the real you will stay, and those who only loved the performance will fade.
The Power of Authenticity
The shift from people-pleasing to authenticity changed my life.
When I stopped performing, I discovered who actually belonged in my life. I learned that relationships built on honesty are stronger than relationships built on compliance. And most importantly, I learned to trust myself again.
When you release the need to control how others see you, you also release the constant exhaustion of managing everyone else’s feelings. You step out of manipulation and into freedom.
So the next time you feel the pull to please, pause. Ask yourself: Am I doing this out of love, or out of fear? Am I honoring myself, or abandoning myself to keep the peace?
The real you is always worth showing. And the people who are meant for you will meet you there.
Choose truth over performance. Choose authenticity over approval. Choose you.
SLAY Reflection
- Do you often say yes when you mean no? Why?
- How does people-pleasing keep you in cycles of resentment?
- Can you recall a time you were honest about your boundaries? How did it feel?
- What relationships in your life are based on performance instead of authenticity?
- What’s one small step you can take today to stop people-pleasing and start honoring yourself?
S – Stop and notice when you’re abandoning yourself for approval
L – Let go of the need to manage how others see you
A – Align your choices with your truth, not your fear
Y – Yield to authenticity, even when it feels uncomfortable
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
Where does people-pleasing still show up in your life, and how are you working to break free?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s struggling with saying yes when they want to say no, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is permission to stop performing.
