I find myself in a place I’ve never been. A place I don’t think I thought I would ever be in. A place that is new, where I am vulnerable, and I’ve been, and am vulnerable, but this is a new kind of vulnerability, a good kind, a sweet kind, a kind I should be, and am blessed to be experiencing, and yet I find that I get scared in this place. That in itself surprises me. I have walked this road for almost 13 years now, and I’ve learned that my vulnerability is one of my strengths, but what I’ve learned, in this place that I am, is that there is still a part of me that doesn’t believe I am worthy of this kind of love. No one is more surprised by this than I am. My whole being is about self-love, receiving love, and sharing love with others, so now, in this place of ultimate love, how I can I be so scared? How can I still have this doubt deep inside that I’m not worthy of someone else’s love?
When I first realized that that is what my fear was based in, it made me sad. It saddened me to think that there was still a part of myself that didn’t believe, and that that part of me that had been laying dormant, silent, while the rest of me celebrated myself and the love I did have in my life, but this love is different. This love is true. Not that the other love in my life isn’t, or wasn’t, but this is a kind of love I’ve never known, one that I had seen, in other people, or in the movies, but never really believed was real or could happen to me. But here it is. And here I stand, scared of what that kind of love means. It seems silly to me when I think about it, that fear, but it’s there, and very real, and then that sadness rolls like low fog telling me I don’t get to have this kind of love. But I do, and I am, but that part of me that is sick, the disease, is trying to make one last stand to get in the way of me and my happiness, and all of the work I’ve done that had led me here.
So what now? Well, I know I have to walk through this fear. I know it’s not real and I know it’s based on the stories I used to tell myself. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to be loved. I do deserve to have this kind of love in my life, and I know I can have it, I do have it. I have to conquer my fears, and tell those voices that they’re wrong, they’re lying to me, they’re not going to win. For some reason it feels like it used to when I had to fight, it’s brought up those feelings of doubt, but I know I have it in me, I know the truth, and I deserve to walk away beating my fears to something really wonderful, and I will. I guess, in my my commitment to always be honest with all of you, I had to say all of that out loud, to share it with you all so that it would lose some power over me, and to know that all of you SLAYERS are standing by my side with your torches ablaze as I walk through my fears.
If you find yourself in fear, or feeling not worthy of love, walk with me, because you do, and are, let us stand together and move forward through our fears to the love that is waiting for us, that is ours. Stop listening to those voices or old stories that tell us we don’t get to have it, we do, and are meant to. Focus on the love in your life and see the love all around you, the love you receive and the love you give, know that you are worthy of all of it, and that there is much more love out there waiting for you. Tear down the darkness of your fears and let the light of love in, even if you’re afraid to let it, it is in the light of love that our true spirit shines, and we fully become who we are meant to be. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel worthy of love? If not, why not? Why do you think you don’t feel worthy? Is it because of things that have happened in your past, or things you were told? Are these things valid today? Are they true? Or are they just stories or experiences from our past from before you became the person you are today? Let go of the past SLAYER, focus on who you are and what you need. Let love in, and don’t listen to those negative voices that tell you you don’t deserve love, they don’t speak the truth, and only you can silence them by showing them just how much love you are capable of having. Let your light shine.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you