We’ve all been there, those moments when we feel 100% in the right and 100% wrong. Our anger flares up, we warned them not to do this, we told them it was coming if they did, so stand back and take my wrath. At the end of the day if we have a problem with someone, it is our problem, not theirs. We get to decide who we engage with and who we let into our lives, and by let in, I mean, how far we let them in. There will always be people we have to interact with that may not be our choice, whether a co-worker or family member, but we set the boundary of how much we let them in. This goes back to a lot of the topics I’ve touched upon before, it goes back to People Picker, choosing the right people, and situations, to have in our lives. It goes back to Ask For What You Want, asking for and making it clear what you want with those people you’re engaging with. It also goes back to Intentions: The Truthseeker, making sure your intentions are known and shared and making sure they align with those around you. It’s also Finding Grace In The Gray Areas, seeing that not everything is black and white and a lot of times things fall into the middle, in the gray areas of life, and not getting stuck with things only going one way, your way.
Sometimes too, we get ourselves into situations we know are not good for us, that we know are not going to end in a solution we are looking for, and we get ourselves involved anyway, so we have a reason to feel superior, so we can say “I told you so,” or we can get angry at that person. Anger is like a fire, it grows as more fuel is added, and sometimes when we feel less than, we use that fuel to add flames to the fire so we can feel better about ourselves, and it may in the moment, and then the fire dies down and we feel empty. We feel empty because we started that fire only to satisfy a hunger inside of us, or to fill a hole that can’t be filled with outside things, so we cause drama, we yell, we scream, to no avail, we still don’t feel whole.
When you feel righteous, when you feel justified, when you feel like lashing out at someone to “teach them a lesson” ask yourself why, ask yourself if you could have avoided this situation, ask yourself if you knowingly entered into the situation to justify your anger, your behavior, or your engagement with someone you shouldn’t have been involved with. It can also be a matter of control, of finding that you are not in control of the situation so you get angry and try to manipulate it into what you want by sheer force. This is a cycle that never brings good results, we only have control over our own actions, so trying to control others will always bring us back to the same place, a place of disappointment, frustration, or anger.
So how do we avoid self-righteous anger? By engaging with people who are aligned with our way of thinking, who want what we want, by being flexible and always ready to learn, but setting boundaries to protect yourself from those who may not be on the same page, but you have to engage with them anyway, by making yourself clear, and, by not exploding when someone does exactly what they always do and you expected something different due to wishful thinking. Getting angry rarely gets us what we want, and acting morally superior to someone else within that anger is only meant to belittle them and make yourself feel bigger and better, but in the end it only shows your insecurity, self-doubt, and emptiness to those you’ve targeted. As SLAYERS we are responsible to engage with others in a compassionate and caring way, we engage with others in a way we want to be engaged with, and we love and respect ourselves enough that we don’t engage with people and in situations just so we can justify our anger. Our anger is our business, if you have it, figure out why, and take care of it. SLAY that dragon and go on to live a happier and healthier life.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find you get involved in situations or with people who you know will disappoint you or let you down so you can get angry? Why do you think you do this? How does this behavior benefit you and those around you? How does it hurt you or those around you? How do you think you can stop from doing this? What do you think the benefits of stopping this behavior would be? Write them down SLAYER, and next time you want to lash out, look at that list, before letting yourself engage in self-righteous anger. SLAY on.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
Amazing peice! Lovely put…So helpful in learning to live right sized as anger is unmanageable when unleashed and keeping score of the ways I sometimes chose to act out by trying to control others is a full time job. Leaning To take care of hurtful wounds that may remain open, even after an experience has long past is the beginning of building a resentment brick by heavy brick.I find when the bricks get to heavy to carry I start hurling them at people to lighten my overwhelming load, all the while forgetting why I was stock piling them. Acceptance to the ways I cover up my own pain is key for me to living a life of light with ease bearing less weight.
I am always trying to teach Someone a lesson when I remember the lesson is my own.
keeping my side of the street is fairly simple when I carry a broom, but remembering to carry the dustpan for the removal of anger directed outward, is equally important.
Thank you for this reminder to Check in with all of this!
In Gratitude on this day!
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Wonderfully put M!
We do like to “teach” people lessons, and as you said, the lessons are our own. WE are in charge of how we engage with others. WE are in charge of how we react. WE are in charge of us, and only us, that is our only job, not what others’ are doing.
We do need to carry the broom and the dustpan on our journey, and look at our anger as a way to learn, to do things differently, to do thing better, and, to do things with people who don’t trigger us, but if they do, know that is with us where the problem lies.
Keep walkin’ the walk, and always…SLAY on!
Thank you for sharing with us today.
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Just a random thought….what if your lesson is to teach them a lesson? Ever consider that?
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We teach the most by being our best selves and living by example : )
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Still, there are those who can stay calm and be at peace in the midst of the most infuriating people. How do they do it, and can anyone gain that ability? I’ve been doing a bit of research on this topic and have concluded it is entirely possible, even doable for anyone (even those most prone to anger) who is able to see things from a new perspective. Generally this ability comes from truly empathizing, not just understanding, and not just sympathizing, but to truly give yourself another’s perspective, no matter how deranged we might think that perspective might be. But that isn’t even the first step … that’s the bridge to empathy … the first step is to see them as a brother or sister whose value as a person is as great as your own, who is hurting, has challenges, and if you can muster nothing more for them than pity, well that’s a start. If you can move that pity to some level of compassion then you can move it to love, then you can muster up the will to try to understand why they perceive as they do, then you can empathize. Only then are you in the position to be at peace despite their caustic personality, and though this may not be your goal to help them, you will at that point start feeling the selfless desire to do so in a way that will actually work.
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You seem like you’re on the right track. And, I have found that the best way to help others is to lead by example, if someone is interested in finding a better way of life, your way may be attractive to them, causing them to ask questions, which may cause them to find a better solution for themselves.
You seem to be right on with your thinking.
Keep on SLAYING on!
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I feel like having empathy for the people who wrong you merely offers additional reasons why they shouldn’t be liable for their actions, even though what they did was wrong. I’m in a situation right now where two coworkers are talking shit about me behind my back, belittling me and basically making snide comments about my job performance that I’m not sure are valid. They also actively pretend like I’m not part of their department even though I am, and don’t even recognize my presence.
I feel like having empathy for them makes an excuse for them. An excuse that won’t always be there when it’s me causing a problem, even under similar circumstances. Worst case scenario, self-reflection may make it seem like you deserved the actions, whether it was warranted or not.
Can you have empathy for a colleague causing you grief/resentment in a way that doesn’t mitigate their actions or cause you to resent yourself, and if so, how?
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Hi James,
Thank you for your comment.
For me, until I was able to find empathy for those who wronged me I continued to let them hurt me by carrying it around. Even after their actions may have stopped, my resentments for them kept damaging me even after the incidents themselves.
To find empathy isn’t to excuse their behavior, but to look at their behavior from a different perspective. Most times, those who bully or talk badly about us behind our backs have low-self esteem and feel badly about themselves, so they attempt to feel better by passing that on to someone else.
I have also found that those who speak badly about others only make themselves look bad, and when we don’t fall into the trap of lowering ourselves to their level, we show, by our actions, who we really are.
In most circumstances we do play a part, in a case where there is unwarrented negative comments or behavior towards us we have to ask ourselves if we have allowed this to go on, have engaged with those who are doing so, or, if not, what we can do to not let these things, or people, get to us. We always have a choice in how we react to any situation, that is within our power, and where we can take our power back if we have been feeling powerless.
It is not our job to fix people, it is our job to be our best selves, those who are not able to do that for themselves are not our problem unless we let it become our problem.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this at work, perhaps let it strengthen who you are and how you feel about yourself, you know the truth and when you don’t give something energy many times it goes away because what the other person or people are looking for is negative energy to fuel theirs.
This has just been my experience and what I practice today, it has helped me a lot to let go and not get invovled in situations that really are not my problem, but someone else trying to uload theirs onto me.
SLAY on!
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