Oh I tried a lot of things to make myself “feel better,” or worse, if I was in the mindset to torture myself, which would come around often, but I had always felt like there was something missing, a void, or black hole somewhere deep inside that made me different than everyone else, I always felt like something was missing. That, coupled with my need to control all things lead me down some dark roads. I just wanted to feel better, whole, perfect. I tried doing that with food, drink, sugar, shopping, moves to new cities, relationships, work, but nothing I did seemed to fill that hole, I was trying to solve an inside problem with outside things.
We all have our crutches, something we use to make ourselves feel better, or to forget, and sometimes it’s just nice to “get away” from the rumblings in our heads or that feeling of doom, but for me, as those rumblings got louder and the doom seemed overwhelming so did the crutches I was using to “get by,” I had stopped using them as a “crutch” and I was really using them as a way to live, and not actually fixing the problem.
The problem for me was not having an inner peace, not having self-love and acceptance, acceptance of myself and everything around me. It was hard for me to be quiet and just sit with my thoughts. In the past I had found that yoga had helped me and then I had stopped going for many years, never asking myself why. I would go to new studios, pick up the schedule, and never go to a class. It wasn’t until I made a conscious decision to work on myself that I realized why, I was afraid to sit quietly and listen to what my head was telling me. It was like all of my self-hatred, fears, and resentments had a microphone and a venue to scream at me. I had to learn, as I was healing, to sit in the uncomfortableness, to tell those thoughts and voices to shut up because they were lying to me, I had to replace them with positive affirmations, and at the very least, focus on my breath, I often would breath in and out saying to myself, “breath in the good shit, breath out the bad shit” and visual that, visually seeing white light coming in and the black coming out. It took time, and some days were better than others, and those voices can still pop up from time to time, usually if I am in H.A.L.T., Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, more on that later, but I know now to focus on the good and let the lies my head tells me pass, they always do.
For me, also, it was finding a way to ground myself spiritually, which is different for everyone. I found it’s a belief in something greater than myself looking out for me, I’ve had far too many examples in my life of something or someone stepping in when I could not or would not help myself, to not believe in something, even if it’s the universe around us, or a group of people in your life, you alone are not “God” or in control. When I was able to find something that worked for me, and connect with it, I was able to fill that void, and I no longer felt the need to try to fill it with the vices or crutches from my past because I was feeling fulfilled. I also found that giving back filled, and does fill, that void, which was my motivation for starting this blog, you have to give it back to keep it.
Today I make sure I do the things I need to do connect to my spirituality, whether sitting in silence, walking in nature, taking a yoga class, yes I’m back, or reading from books that help me to see things in the right perspective. It’s something that felt strange with at first, but the more I did it, the connected I felt, and do feel. Nothing we grab for on the outside will fix our inside, trust me, I tried. Today I want to be present and aware of my feelings, not hide from them, hiding from them nearly cost me my life, I won’t ever give them that much power over me again.
SLAY OF THE DAY: What does spirituality mean to you? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable? If so, why? If you could create someone or something that is looking over you, what attributes would they have? Why can’t you believe that is or what is looking over you today?
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
Last night, I received some potentially disturbing news about my son’s health. He’s 23, and in no mood for my emotional upheaval, so I had to tuck it back, and just deal with the information, head-on.
I’m good at that, though. I am my mother’s caregiver, and I’m used to waiting for test results before flipping out. This is my son, though. So, instead of breathing through it, and being patient, I drank. Now, I’ve never had a problem with substance abuse. I didn’t even try marijuana, until I was 40 years old, and even then, I was afraid I’d have an allergic reaction. (This fear made my friends laugh until one of them fell off a chair.) However, substance abuse is rampant, in my family. From alcohol, to prescription pills, to food, to over-exercising, we run the gamut. It was drilled into me, at a very young age, “If you ‘need something’ to help you deal, that’s the time when you need it, the least.”
By the time I’d hung up with my boy, I’d decided that only vodka would do. So, I looked in my liquor cabinet, and found dust. I can’t describe how disappointed I was. And angry. Holy shit, I was so pissed off. No vodka?! On the way to the liquor store, I actually blamed Trump, for making us live in a world where we ran out of vodka. It wasn’t my finest moment.
When I got home with my prize, I mixed it with lemonade, and sitting on the kitchen floor, just kept refilling, and drinking until I was numb. In the midst of pouring more vodka into my cup, for the fourth time, the realization hit me, that I was out of control. It was like a surprise splash of cold water on a hot day. I wasn’t prepared for conscious reality, and I certainly wasn’t prepared for my own mom-voice to turn on me.
So, I did what I should’ve done, in the first place. I scream-cried. It was ugly, loud, painful, and necessary. I laid on that floor, and cussed everything from feather pillows, to the Mother Goddess, Herself. I made it to the kitchen sink in time to throw everything up, and baby-stepped to my couch. I woke up a few hours later, still a little tipsy, still angry and afraid, and deeply ashamed of myself. I know better than to whitewash problems. I couldn’t even look at myself, while I was brushing my teeth. I crawled into bed, asked the Goddess for understanding, and slept like the dead.
Today, the big scary problem my son might be facing, is still here. All that fit throwing, and acting like an idiot, didn’t make anything go away. Because, that’s not how any of this works. You can throw rocks at life, but you’re only gonna hit yourself in the head. So, instead of beating myself up for being a childish brat, I lit a candle, and did a blessing ritual. I prayed for peace, healing, and insight. Then, I did yoga, and went for a walk. Later on, I’m going to paint, and write in my journal. I might even take a bath, and use that special cream I’ve been saving for when the Queen visits.
I’m going to make a point to be gentle with me, in the coming days. Clearly, I need it, and ignoring that need, or trying to cover it up with vodka or food or whatever else, isn’t going to make that need go away. So, I’ll listen to myself, and take my time. It may not work right away, but at least I won’t wake up with a hangover.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mimicreature, thank you for sharing your truth here, my heart goes out to yours during this time of struggle.
Your honesty and frankness about what is happening for right now touched me in a very personal way, I’ve been in there so many times in the past. The fact that you can recognize that your actions will not change the facts, nor honor your authentic self, is already a victory, it took me many many years, and being close to death, to have those realizations myself.
Love that you followed up with some self care, and honored yourself in mind, body & spirit.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers, sending light and love to surround you, and no matter what comes down the path in the future, know that you have an army of us walking with you, you are not alone.
And make sure to use that special cream from time to time, the Queen isn’t visiting, the Queen is you and you deserve nice things.
SLAY on!
LikeLiked by 1 person
OH, and most importantly, sometimes we all just need a big, messy, ugly cry and let all the shit out, hell to the yeah!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Carrie,
Thank you. I don’t have an update about my son, yet. I’m still sitting on pins and needles, but we’re ok. And, we’re gonna be ok. Eventually.
About the scream-crying: I never do that, but it’s amazing how clean and refreshed I felt, after I scraped the snot off of me. It takes a lot of energy to throw a fit, as an adult. I’d forgotten that my body wasn’t used to that level of deliberate involvement, just to make a point. If you don’t think you can kick your own ass, try throwing a childish fit, as an adult. But stretch first. Trust me.
About self-realization: Therapy. Years of therapy. I’m, also, medicated, and I make my own herbal teas specifically for relaxation, and to help calm my racing thoughts. I have C-PTSD, which is a form of PTSD that happens over a long period of time, rather than through a severe shock, or act of violence. It’s not awesome, and if I don’t make self-care a minor priority, it gets difficult to deal with. So, I don’t let it get that far, anymore. I try to be a good mommy to myself, and sometimes, I succeed.
About the special cream: It’s Obagi and it was expensive AF. My son gave it tot me for Christmas, probably 4 years ago, and I only use a tiny bit, once in a while. I know it’s silly, but it feels like I’m rubbing silk into my skin, and I’ll be sad when it’s gone. Which, it almost is, but it was worth it.
About the Queen already being here: I’ve actually never thought about it that way, but damn if you aren’t right. That made me cry. Thank you.
This page is much more than cathartic, though it is that. I’m learning about myself, and you and others. I’m, also, being reminded that no matter how much different we are, we all have the same kinds of worries, stresses, and wonders. It makes it easier to love myself, if I’d love you through your ups and downs. That’s important, and I’m going to remember it.
You’re a gift, Carrie. I’m sending you hugs, love, and gratitude.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the update! I’ll continue to keep you and your son my prayers.
You all will be OK, we always are no matter what.
Your comment about throwing an adult childish fit made me laugh, I’ve thrown a few in my day, and have had a few bruises, and one very swollen hand to prove it, because if you’re going to go childish fit, you have go all in! I feel like you’re right on the stretching though, probably a smart move as we move up in age, but damn does it feel good from time to time.
I have a friend who had a NDE and she remembers coming up and out of her body and going to a different place with a group of people in robes, one told her it wasn’t her time and she had to go back and she told me she threw a fit, that what she felt there she didn’t want to let go off, that love was the only way she could describe, but there wasn’t anything like it on earth, she said she thought that’s what we were always searching here on earth, but it doesn’t exist here, she wanted to stay, she was told it wasn’t her time, and saw herself going back into her body. So, even in times like that, it seems it is in our nature to throw a fit now and again.
I’m glad you have found this page a safe place to speak your truth and to connect with others, that was my hope for it, to show us all how much we are all the same, how we are connected, and how we as a group can find strength when we’re having trouble finding it on our own. It’s funny, I found myself thinking about you yesterday and was happy to see your comment today, I think as we move forward we become more connected, our hearts and souls creating a bond through our scars and struggles, we’re creating something beautiful from our past and starting an army of survivors who are showing the world what can be done when we step out of the shadows and learn to live in the light.
I wish you a blessed evening Queen, always remember to nurture that woman and love her with everything you got.
Until next time…
With love, Carrie
LikeLiked by 1 person